For a newsjacker like me a slow-ass news day + a slow-ass news week = another boring day where all the celebrity columns are full of non stories.
I mean stories about Katie Price moving to Australia – Kim Kardashian going ‘back to black’ – the funniest man on TV is desperately striving to become even funnier (Stephen Fry to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear) are actually masquerading as ‘Breaking Celebrity News’ today.
Between supermodels banging on my door and pirates trying to steal my treasure, this kind of nonsensical twaddle has kept me pretty busy this week.
By busy I mean sifting through an endless array of mushy mashy headlines in pursuit of something ANYTHING interesting to voice my unsavoury opinion about.
That’s right, it sure as hell has been a dog eat dog world out there this week.
I don’t know about you but headlines like, “Holy Moly, Ellie Goulding Holds Hands With Dougie Poynter” (Mail) “Jennifer Lawrence Goes Spinning” (People Magazine) and “Will Young re-enters Hall of Fame – Releases New Album” (Sun) just don’t cut the mustard for me.
Yeah, shit’s been real on the streets this week alright. I mean, apart from copying each other’s Zayn Malik stories WTF have Fleet Street’s most beautiful been doing all week? Their damn make up?
Oh I know, you write like a bitch and then someone steals your story. However my message to the luscious lovelies of Fleet Street is this;
Newsjacker: Newsjacking is the art and science of injecting your own ideas into a breaking news story and generating tons of media coverage and social media engagement around it.
Unlike all of you I’m a newsjacker, that’s my job. I don’t produce exclusive reports sourced from an army of unnamed insiders. That’s your job.
No girls, my job is to sit here, drink tea and throw shit balls at all of your reports. That’s what a newsjacker does. So please girls gimme something to jack-off to.
I guess I’m the lucky one here, at least I don’t have to explain my lack of performance this week to an editor. I am the bloody editor.
But if I did have to explain myself then I’d probably be told the same thing as you. You’re fired!