Perez Hilton-CBB-Celebrity Big Brother-Katie Hopkins-contestants-TVThe producers of Celebrity Big Brother have announced that penis drawing blogger Perez Hilton has signed a contract worth £150,000 to enter the CBB house in January.

So, a closeted gay will have his intimate sexual thoughts broadcast on live TV. Oh Celebrity Big Brother – turning “Z-listers” into dumb bitches since 2001. That’s terrible.

Other celebrity contestants who are rumoured to be entering the house are: Katie Hopkins, Calum Best, Danniella Westbrook, Stephen Belefonte and Josie Cunningham.

Actually, the thing I love about Perez is that he’s been waging bitchy slap fights with celebrities for years. The only thing is no one knows why. However, my question today is this:

How in the name of discount vagina spray is Perez going to survive that goblin-faced piece-of-poo Katie Hopkins?

Now that is a bitchy question and one for which I don’t have an answer. Another question. Can two of the world’s ‘most famous entertainers’ ever become friends?

Well why not. I mean, Perez? That smiley face? Yes, anything’s possible.

Anyway lets put these silly questions behind us and draw a penis on a picture of Josie Cunningham instead.

(No, lets not)


Tony Blair-Wendi-Deng-Affair-Interview-economist-politics|Regular readers will know that we don’t normally do politics here on NMi. However, according to some we’re not doing the ‘fifth estate’ the justice it deserves if we don’t throw a bouquet of bitchiness at a politician occasionally.

So behold, Mike D.W – the David Brent of political reporters!

Tony Blair’s name has hit the headlines today. The reason? Well of course it’s that alleged affair with Wendi Deng again.

Earlier this year our former Prime Minister made headlines around the world after it was alleged that he’d had an affair with Rupert Murdock’s wife, Wendi Deng. This prompted Rupert’s grumpy old testicle face to divorce her practically overnight.

This week, in a article titled The loneliness of Tony Blair the esteemed Economist magazine asked Mr Blair a direct question about the alleged affair with Deng. And guess what? Mr Blair refused to answer it.

“This is not something I will ever talk about—I haven’t so far and I won’t now”.

(via: The Economist)

And with that he slammed down his coffee mug with such force that it spilt everywhere and made everyone in the room jump. According to the magazine a large pool of sweat then appeared under Mr Blair’s armpit.

Yes, a nasty business all round.

But is all this entirely fair? After all Arnold Schwarzenegger once said that Tony Blair should rank alongside JFK, Nelson Mandela, Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev as one of the greatest leaders of all time.

Ronald Reagan?! Set the drug sniffer dogs on Arnold!

There. A post on politics. Nearly.


Poor Sinitta.

by Mike D.W on December 19, 2014

in Celebrity

Cowell-Silverman-SinittaWhile serving up his annual “Christmas in Barbados” pictures, Simon Cowell went for an old-fashioned paparazzi stroll down the beach. He took his two dogs, Squiddly and Diddly, his gold digging fiancee, Lauren Silverman and the crestfallen tag-a-long we all know as Sinitta. 

What a mess.

I’m sure Lauren has told Sinitta a million times that there’s no room for an ex-lover’s shit in her closet. Go away! You’re an ex-girlfriend. No longer relevant, leave us alone!

Poor Sinitta. This Christmas her soul will be crushed every day as the gossip columns fill with pictures of Lauren and Simon walking the beaches of Barbados. Oh Sinitta just audition for BGT, that way you might hear a YES from Simon but then again, maybe not.

Personally, I think Simon should bend Lauren and Sinitta over the bar at the Sandy Lane Hotel. Two twats and a crazy dick – the formula for X-Factor success!

Oh, I nearly forgot. Top marks to Jenny Manning over at the Sun this morning. She opened her article about Simon and Lauren walking on the beach with this;

“LIFE’S a beach if you are one of Simon Cowell’s dogs.”

(via the Sun)

Can’t think what she meant by that.


Program Note: Sponsored By A Blackmailing Hacker.

by Mike D.W on December 18, 2014

in Celebrity

Alan Carr-Cheryl Fernadez-Versini-New year Spectacular-Picture-NMi-Celebrity-Gossip-show business-NewsFor the past few days, NMi has been dealing with a blackmailing hacker who just wouldn’t go away. I’ve bitched about it on Twitter a few times. It felt like an obese burping frog had got stuck in our server.

We tried everything but to no avail. NMi was down, our pile of scandalous scribbles seemingly unplugged from the world wide web forever.

I knew it was serious on Tuesday when my web manager looked me in the eye and said, “Stop drinking and help me fix this shit.” He might as well have said, “Just die slowly.” I don’t even know how I’m still alive.

So, on a no booze, no coffee and a no fun diet I requested the help of an expert who can exist on a Salvation Army budget.

It worked! After 53 hours our budget fix-a-trick managed to kick that blackmailer’s ass black, blue and all the way back to Russia. Or wherever. He’s gone now. Without his ransom.

And finally I’ve managed to get to my laptop to drool out some incoherent nonesense about some shit you probably don’t care about.

Yes it’s Alan Carr posing as Cheryl Fernandez-Versini for his upcoming New Year Spectacular. See pic above.

But no, I really don’t want any of you to send me e-mails saying: “I WAS FIRED FOR HAVING A LACE-COVERED ALAN CARR ON MY SCREEN WHILE AT WORK!”

This pic will be on top for the next few hours while I’m lying on my back, mouth wide open, guzzling down the boozeahol.


Thumbnail image for MEL B and Stephen Belafonte – To Sue or Not To Sue, That Is The Question.

MEL B and Stephen Belafonte – To Sue or Not To Sue, That Is The Question.

December 16, 2014 Celebrity

Today, while the world’s diamonds slowly lose their sparkle millions of ducks have begun quacking and it’s all because the Sun Newspaper have reported that Mel B has left her husband Stephen Belafonte. Yes indeed, it’s a sad day for everyone when love between a duck basher and a vinegar-scented Barbie goes numb and dies. However, while strolling through the Sun’s report today it was easy to see how their story is […]

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Thumbnail image for Lily Allen Threatens To Leave Twitter.

Lily Allen Threatens To Leave Twitter.

December 14, 2014 Celebrity

Good morning everyone and guess what? In news that we’ll all continue to post about for years to come the Daily Mail has reported how Mel B missed her slot on last night’s X Factor. A tummy problem they say. Anyways, things may not going well for Mel B but they’re going SO WELL for all of us. Why? Because Lily Allen has threatened to quit social […]

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Thumbnail image for RIDICULOUS STORY: Queen Arrested For Drugs.

RIDICULOUS STORY: Queen Arrested For Drugs.

December 12, 2014 Celebrity

Her Majesty The Queen was arrested last night for possession of illegal drugs and given a warning by London police. This was Queen’s second drug related arrest. Last year, she was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs after she was found passed out in her car near London’s Hyde Park. If you forced me to make up the worlds most ridiculous story, […]

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Thumbnail image for BOE Publish New Mortgage Lenders and Administrators Statistics.

BOE Publish New Mortgage Lenders and Administrators Statistics.

December 12, 2014 Money Matters

The Bank of England, together with the Financial Conduct Authority have released the latest Mortgage Lenders and Administrators Statistics for the United Kingdom. The figures cover the third quarter of 2014. The data, which is published quarterly was compiled from the Mortgage Lenders & Administrators Return from information provided by regulated firms. The total of outstanding residential […]

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Thumbnail image for Girl Online: Zoe Didn’t Quit The Internet.

Girl Online: Zoe Didn’t Quit The Internet.

December 10, 2014 Celebrity

Welcome to another slow-ass news day where nothing is going on except Kim Kardashian’s bottom, Katie Price’s boobs and some ugly bitches who clearly want a first-class ticket to hell. Oh where to begin? I’m writing a novel. It’s for children. I’ve written the first chapter. I get blogging but I’m not very good at writing novels. Not like Zoe Sugg, […]

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Thumbnail image for Danielle Lloyd’s Marriage Gets A Decree Nisi Today.

Danielle Lloyd’s Marriage Gets A Decree Nisi Today.

December 10, 2014 Celebrity

Jamie O’Hara and Danielle Lloyd had 3 children during their seemingly happy marriage, but now those children are orphans (or whatever) because their Mum and Dad’s marriage is being rubber stamped with a Decree Nisi today. Danielle filed for divorce back in September after she saw pictures of her philandering husband enjoying a night out with […]

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Thumbnail image for Sara Puts The X In XMAS.

Sara Puts The X In XMAS.

December 9, 2014 Celebrity

Santa’s eyes are smiling today because Sara X has just put the X in Xmas. In her latest video Sara delivers her boob-ballet to Jingle Bells and it’s no surprise that her video is already a viral hit. ITV should definitely slip Sara into Ant and Dec’s upcoming Christmas Show. More exposure for Sara. Make […]

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Thumbnail image for Russell Brand: Tweets Private Telephone Number Of Fleet Street Journalist.

Russell Brand: Tweets Private Telephone Number Of Fleet Street Journalist.

December 9, 2014 Celebrity

In a business where everyone has such a ridiculous accent it makes them seem smart for precisely one sentence Britain’s broadsheets have excelled themselves today. All of them have reported on how Russell Brand has tweeted the private telephone number of one of their most hallowed journalists. Here you go. Yes. Mr Brand tweeted that photo of Neil Sears’ business […]

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Thumbnail image for Daniella Westbrook Is Homeless – Living In Sheltered Accommodation.

Daniella Westbrook Is Homeless – Living In Sheltered Accommodation.

December 9, 2014 Celebrity

While a harem of naked boys bathe the cast of Eastenders in sesame oils while burning fifty pound notes in an onyx cauldron because the smell of burning money feeds their greedy souls, let us spare a thought for their former colleague, Daniella Westbrook who has fallen on hard times this Christmas. It seems that the former actress (and […]

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