The moon-bow that passed across England last night was made by Harvey Price as he rolled his eyes at the madness and foolery that has become his mother.
In London yesterday Katie Price, the Jane Austen of our time launched her 42nd ‘novel’ which she no doubt wrote all by herself with a feather quill while sitting under a willow tree in her garden. Katie launched the book she didn’t write in the same way she launches everything: with a shameless stunt.
Yes, Katie totally believe’s she’s a professional author so while looking like an insane stripper with straightened hair ripped out of the Honey Monster, she preened before the paparazzi and tried to shove her Make My Wish Come True novel down the nation’s wide open throat.
Well no, whilst her latest novel promises “plenty of sex and scandal”it probably reads like a rusty rag in a sex tape. Never mind that a pile of dog poo is more interesting than any character found in a Katie Price novel (I’ve read most of them, I know), the silly bitch is selling her book entirely the wrong way.
In order to make her wish come true Katie doesn’t need shove her bloated pumpkins down a hooker’s party dress and then drown a book launch in slutty glamour. No, to make her book the #1 best seller in the whole wooooorld all Katie needs to do is ask Harvey Price to say, “Buy Mum’s book.”
Amazon would then crash, every Mills & Boon would be looted and shushsters everywhere would be stabbing each other trying to buy a copy! That’s right, it would be some 50 Shades of What?
A few days ago SKY Sports news presenter and Sheffield United patron Charlie Webster told BBC Radio 5 Live that she will quit her role with the club if they re-sign Ched Evans. The 31-year-old, who was sexually assaulted in her teens said:
“You will have young people cheering him on when he scores a goal. Not under my name, under my club or community. He says he is innocent. He has shown no remorse. I feel like it is my duty to stand up to this.
Very few people would be able to walk back into the same job as they did before being a convicted rapist.”
Those comments led Ched’s sisterKylie Ann Evans to call Charlie a hypocrite and retweet a message she posted to her Twitter last month. In the tweet Charlie said that she wanted her photo taking with former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson. Tyson was convicted of rape in 1992 and served three years of a six-year sentence. Here’s the tweet.
Charlie has since deleted her tweet and apologised saying, “In that split second I didn’t register his past in my head.”
Didn’t register in her head? Well that just reminds me of sitting in front of the TV and watching Kelly Brook’s mouth banged face trying to repeat words that never registered her nugget-brained head. Dammit, I don’t want to relive that.
And as for hypocrites, well you’re looking at one. A while back I threw scathe over my friend next door after he’d admitted smoking meth. He hissed back at me saying that I was a hypocrite because I drank Coca Cola. The classic meth logic being that they’re both chemicals.
Watching a blustering whirlpool of slovenly sloppiness can be captivating, provocative and stimulating. However there comes a time when a flip-flopular mess stops being funny and starts being sad. Lauren Goodger has been in that camp for some time now and after seeing that picture above only the blackest of hearts would disagree.
Lauren uploaded the picture to her Flustagram this morning and told the world, “I make a mess when I get ready.”
Ready for what one wonders.
A woman’s bedroom is always the best kind of comfortable when she’s taken her underwear off and she’s laying on a love nest made from cushions. But when her mortgage goes into arrears and she needs to hop on a dick to make ends meet then her boudoir shouldn’t look like the home of an inebriated lizard they used in the lab trials of her face cream.
And yes Lauren, you’ve got to wrap that dramatically warped cleavage in some kind of Anne Summers before the boys at the supermarket will experience the overwhelming desire to slap you on the ass and start calling you bitch.
Y’know, if the lives of celebrity women weren’t so bloody depressing today then I’d be four drinks to the wind by now and convinced that the world is flat.
Oscar Pistorius is no longer free to shoot up intruders today after Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa sent him to jail for 5 years. Well, at least this time Oscar’s face didn’t collapse in a snot fall of gross. Last month, Judge Masipa dismissed the premeditated murder charge against Pistorius because, in her opinion the prosecution had failed to prove that he deliberately killed his […]
Thanks to sitting in front of a black and white television and watching re-runs of Tom and Jerry for hours, I’m pretty sure that the first word I ever learned to spell was OXO. Back then that word was featured in all the ad breaks. So today my black heart is pumping out a slow beat of sads for Lynda Bellingham. The BBC […]
Since it’s another slow-ass news day this is probably the most interesting thing I’ve seen all morning. And yes, I’ve only been up for an hour, but still! On Saturday night’s X Factor, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini attempted to wow the nation by wearing a bright green Lanvin gown complete with gigantic ruffles on one shoulder. The Peoples of […]
When People and Hello! published exclusive pictures of the most important wedding since the Duchess of Alba married that young toy boy, I thought that both magazine’s would have to close down because their bank accounts would be empty and their employees had been sold to slave traders. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave all that wedding money to […]
I could post a thousand words to say that these two twassocks faked an engagement so that they could fake a seperation so that they could fake a reunion for their fake reality show which they call Love Everlasting. But I’ll save myself some time by simply saying what you’re all thinking: WHO GIVES A […]
While they skip through the butterfly clouds, their cars are careering off the roads! Amy Childs got all shaken up last night after being involved in a serious car accident in north east London. The papers say that nobody else was involved in the crash and that Amy was shaken but not stirred. Amy was riding in her Range Rover at around […]