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Parking Celebrities In London.


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Parking in London has changed. I said nothing when the City of Westminster got rid of all the parking metres in the West End.

And I stayed quiet when they began charging eight thousand pence for an overstayed visit to a parking metre that didn’t exist. After all those huge-ass potholes don’t just pay for themselves.

Nowadays you text their asses with your registration number and then pay with your credit card. They don’t even issue you with a physical parking ticket anymore. I think nowadays the parking fine just comes through to your social media account.

I am now totally confused by this new virtual parking system. Not confused as in young boy gets confused as he watches woman undress. I mean confused as in why the hell did they ruin a perfectly good system of parking in the first place, kind of a way.

I mean, if you’re not going to at least provide me with a Somali born traffic warden to put a parking ticket on my window then you can fuck off.

And what about celebrities getting parking tickets stuck on their windscreens. You don’t see that anymore. I used to love seeing those tabloid pictures of a rich and famous person getting their parking ticket.

“Hold The Front Page! Celebrity Gets Parking Ticket. See The Riveting Video Here.”

I used to love reading those articles because they always reminded me that beneath all glittering veneer of fame celebrities are just like you and me.

But y’know, beautiful celebrities shouldn’t have to pay for parking. I mean look at Kelly Brook struggling with a parking meter in Los Angles. Kelly’s a big star now. She has a busy schedule, she can’t be circling around the streets all day looking for a parking space. Kelly Brook just needs to stop and then shop for her conditioner, lingerie and sex toys in peace. I’m just kidding, she doesn’t shop for that last one.

How is this world made better if Kelly were to start shopping online and the streets became filled with pensioners who motor down the road at snail defying speeds and forget to turn their indicators off for a week?

What we need is a system of parking which favours the beautiful and disfavours you know, those smarmy blue badge holders.

I think women with enormous cleavages and short skirts should get some kind of preferential treatment. This is how society could show how it values attractive women and how everyone should just shut the fuck up.

Rita Ora Topless For Instagram.


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Rita Ora has struck a blow for the Free The Nipple campaign by posting a photo of herself looking topless on Instagram.

In an identical pose posted to the social media site by Rihanna Rita’s begging Instagram to stop their sexist bias against topless women and allow nipples to roam free.

We all know that Rita Ora is a mediocre singer but she’s smart enough to know that freedom of expression doesn’t apply to private social media services. Instagram and Facebook can censor whatever the hell they want for whatever reason they want. Which is why Rita hasn’t actually gone topless in this picture.

If the police won’t let you show off your boobs in a public place you have the right to petition the House of Lords. That’s democracy in action. But try taking a bath on Facebook and see what happens. Be the happening celeb who rubs herself so furiously that nearby woodland ignites. See where that gets you. Let your famous vagina dance like nobody’s watching, you’ll be suspended. It’s not that you’re trying to be evil, you’re just trying to remain relevant. But Instagram and Facebook will censor your ass anyway.

Let’s face it, ladies love to show off their tits on these social media sites. It’s their dream scenario. Flash their yabbos to tons of men and no-one gets to cop a feel. I can respect any woman who wants to share her tits with the world.

Dare to bare used to be taboo. Woman had to cover themselves in unflattering clothing and hide their tits-n-bits away in their bedrooms. It took the famous, the progressive,  show biz and Hollywood to say, “Here are my boobs, take a good look baby cos you ain’t getting any.”

Just imagine how many jobs for EU migrants naked boobs have created. Check out Polish women for example, a lot of them have huge boobs. They also seem like hard workers and solid additions to our multicultural pie. Open tops, open borders, I stand with a lady and her breasts.

And besides anything else, Rita Ora is just trying to keep her name in the papers here as the world forgets her ‘How We Do’ music.

If her nipples ever do break out on social media then she shall be my Celebrity Queen.

Kanye West Stops Talking.


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In a move that was probably intended to mock lisping people all around the world, Kanye West decided to drop by The Jonathan Ross show and say something stupid. It’s safe to say the interview didn’t go too well.

Naturally “Kanye’s people” agreed with “Jonathan’s people” that West would refrain from ranting like a moron despite the fact that he’s more famous for the idiotic shit that he says than he is for his music.

Jonathan was hoping for more. He wanted to ask Kanye West about why his slutty wife had retired from the porn industry.

And why people call his sister-in-law (Khloe) “the slow one.”

And is it true what some online commenters have speculated, namely that he’s a SUCKERRRRRRRrrrrrr of COCKSSSSSSSssssss. (see: Givenchy creative director Riccardo Tisci.)

Yes, Kanye West loves the sound of his own ranting voice more than his mother-in-law loves her weight-restricting undergarments. Wossy believed there was no way that this American ass-clown could keep his mouth shut. An epic 30 minute rant was all but in the bag.

Unfortunately what Wossy actually got was total silence. Kanye West had stopped talking. Yes, after singing a shitty little song Kayne just lay down on the floor and refused to speak to the lispy presenter.

Jonathan tried everything he could think of to get the ‘super tough’ rapper to speak. But to no avail. So a baffled Jonathan eventually lay down beside him and made jokes about the size of Kim Kardashian’s bottom.

He said:

“If you want to spoon I don’t mind. It’s not as big as Kim’s but it is all yours.”

But Kanye West still stayed silent. After a while he got up, left the stage and stomped out of the studio.

I’m going to call bullshit on this show before it even begins. This nonsense was scripted. Had to be. Kanye loves the sound of his voice more than any man I know. His feelings aren’t real until he shares them in some unintelligible manner with a microphone. He can’t help his dumb ass.

Besides, it’s one thing for Kanye West to stop talking, it’s quite another to quit his entire ‘raison d’tre.’ It just can’t be done.

BRIT AWARDS – Dress Disasters.


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Last nights Brit Awards – Dress Disasters were held at The O2 in London last night and Holly Willoughby (above right) landed on the red carpet looking like this. How does this happen?

For some reason this dreadful look reminds me of when my 10-year-old sister used to cover herself in bubble wrap and then jump around in a pillow case. Seriously, I don’t know if Holly fell into a Christmas trees or the Christmas tree fell into her.

And where are her boobs?! Why didn’t she wear a low-cut neckline with her cleavage hanging out like the ethereal mist rising above Mt. Olympus?

And that hair is only okay if you’re a Katie Hopkins look-a-like on Job Seekers allowance. Either that or a floppy eared bunny rabbit who just got banged in a tornado.

And what about this leftover wrapping paper affair (above left) from Radio One presenter Gemma Cairney? Maybe her hormones were messing with her sanity because she obviously doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong.

And that dress was all WRONG!

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Speaking of shit that didn’t need to happen last night. Ant and Dec.

These two talentless fools opened the proceedings looking like they’d just been beheaded by Jihadi John. The very act of viewing such an unpleasant image forces you to dip your toes in the pool of crazy ass crazy that is Islamic jihad.

I mean what were these two clowns thinking? These are the last faces you’re going to see in that pitiful life of yours perhaps?

I’m sorry but this is precisely the kind of desperation that happens when creative free thinking gives way to cheap booze and cheap sex. Somebody should arrest these imbeciles on suspicion of being exceptionally distasteful.

And whilst we’re on the subject of nasties lets end Brit Awards – Dress Disasters with a word or three about Kanye West who graced the audience with a performance of his hit tune All Day.

Awful, truly awful.