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Rita Ora Didn’t Deserve Better Things.

Rita Ora, Better Things,Newsmediaimages.com

Nothing says gobble up my music like A$AP Rocky releasing a track about a lady who touched his privates and then put his crinkly wrinkly in her mouth. A million plays later, Rita Ora’s reputation is in a shit hole.

I don’t know very much about Rita Ora and even less about her ex-boyfriend A$Ap Rocky. I know that Rocky has just released a new album (the Sun told me) called At.Long.Last and that in one of the tracks (Better Things) he raps about Rita Ora allegedly performing an unmentionable act on him.

Perish the thought. Obviously this guy is a first class prick with revenge sex issues as he clearly holds a special place in his black satanic heart for girls with big mouths.

And as for his music, it’s shit. This Better Things tune isn’t going to cure famine in Africa, nor will it turn Rita’s native Greece into a thriving economic juggernaut. No, all it’s intended to do is flush Rita Ora’s ‘pristine reputation’ down the toilet.

So. Better Things. From verse two.

I swear that bitch Rita Ora got a big mouth.

Next time I see her might curse the bitch out, kicked the bitch out once cause she bitched out.

Spit my kids out, jizzed up all in her mouth and made the bitch bounce…

(via: Genius.com)

Yuk. Nasty little man. The full sound track is below. However, a word of caution, if you happen to admire the way you’re hanging right now then pressing play will cause the blood to flow from your dick and make your testicles shrink to the size of sultanas.

Keira Knightley Morning Model Gives Birth.

Keira Knightley Morning Model newsmediaimages.com

They say you have to be skinny to model lingerie but I’m not sure what to make of Keira Knightley. She is quite a plain looking girl and with that tiny boyish chest she isn’t exactly my idea of an unthinkably beautiful paradise.

To be perfectly honest with you Keira Knightley could walk past me with a broom handle sticking out of her ass and I still wouldn’t notice her.

I suppose being plain, thin and unnoticeable kind of works for Keira. She’s an incredibly successful actress who’s been nominated for an Academy Award and now she can add “working mum” to her impressive list of accomplishments.

Yes, the Daily Mirror says that Keira just gave birth to her first child. Nobody seems to know if it’s a baby boy or a baby girl. There’s probably a good reason for that.

I don’t know what else to say, maybe I should focus on the the fact that Keira is now a mother, instead of imagining pouring breakfast cereal over her and not apologising.

Please feel free to tweet me with your thoughts on Kiera becoming a mum. No need to put little hearts at the top of your tweet, and remember that your employer or family will disown you if you say anything incredibly stupid.

What’s that? There are millions of women giving birth every day? Carry on, everyone.

Katie Price: Pregnant 2015.

katie price,pregnant,newsmediaimages.com

What a fun girl Katie Price is. I especially admire the way she dresses like a tart in front of her children. I don’t know, what is a good age to be introduced to a smut-bag? Children have to grow up eventually.

Back in 2012 Foxy Bingo named Katie Price as their celebrity mum of the year. Doesn’t that just bring a tear to your eye? It really was beautiful. “Get your tits out and be our Mother of the Millennium.”

Y’know I’ve completely forgotten why I started writing this post. I know it had something to do with Katie Price and children…..

Oh yes, Heat Magazine tweeted something about Katie taking to her Twatter earlier today and posting a picture (above) of herself with something shoved up her jumper. They didn’t know what it was. [click to continue…]

Alesha Dixon – Mime Swiper!

Alesha Dixon,Cheryl fernandez-Versini,Newsmediaimages.com

I’m not sure when lip-syncing became the art form that it now is. Cheryl Fernadez-Versini is more of an expert than I. And so is Alesha Dixon it seems.

In a recent interview Alesha Dixon has taken a ‘mime swipe’ at Cheryl whatshername and her apparent aversion to singing live. You will remember how Cheryl gave a somewhat underwhelming performance of ‘I Don’t Care’ during last year’s X Factor finals.

So, speaking to The Sun:

“In the past Cheryl has been given a bit of stick, but we’re very different artists. I’m not one of these people who shy away from a challenge. I’m not afraid, I’ll be singing live on BGT ”

I don’t talk crazy speak, but if I did, then I’d ask Twitter to launch an attack on the evil sounds that come out of the world’s musical powerhouses. (Cheryl wake up…) [click to continue…]

Emma Watson: Morning Model.

Emma Watson,Morning Model,Newsmediaimages.com

This is not good news if you always wanted to see Hermione Granger dressed slutty. And yes, be mindful of the consequences of running a Google search on that. This is why it was difficult to make Emma Watson our Morning Model today.

It was difficult to make Emma Watson our morning model today because she is not interested in wearing sexy underwear. She feels no need to be seen as incredibly hot and thinks that highly paid lingerie modelling would be a serious gender disaster for her reputation.

That goes way beyond my male understanding of course.

Emma occupies herself with more important things. Like being a Goodwill Ambassador for United Nations Women. [click to continue…]

Big Brother Big Banana.

Big Brother,bananna, newsmediaimages.com

About Big Brother… I skimmed through the bios of all the messes that are getting drunk, humping, fighting and acting like asses for our TV enjoyment and they look like the same old, same old.

There’s a scientist, (no really) an aging rock chick, a pair of broadly bents and the rest are a bunch of 20-somethings who look like they were rejected from The Naughty Girls Strip Club for being a tad too skanky. [click to continue…]