I’m going to need an priest, a gallon of holy water, my aunt’s sex toy which looks like Jesus, a bottle of Old Spice that’s been blessed by an evangalist, prayers and some fire. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll gouge my eyes out and pour Tabasco sauce into the holes, because I just can’t look at that Susanna Reid woman anymore.
The annual TRIC awards took place in London today which meant a crowd of has-beens, hangers-on and never-wases turned up to the Grovesnor House hotel wearing a variety of what-the-hell-is-she-wearings.
Susanna caused the veins in photographers eyeballs to pop first when she arrived wearing a sequin-stained black dress that I can only assume doubles as some kind of a booger rag. She might have got away with it had she not paired her cheap-ass ensemble with the nation’s least favourite dookie shoes. Amazingly Susanna resisted the temptation to flash her underwear.
Anyway, Ms Reid smiled twerked and twirled before heading inside to receive her award for News Reader of the Year which caused the Mail-on-Line to publish 5000 words about her ill fitting shock-frock. (for the readers at home, I’ve just made a ‘sarcastic jerking off’ hand motion).
I wish I could tell you how the nation’s A-list royalty, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty and Pete Burns turned up as well, but unfortunately I can’t. The Television Radio Industries Club have very strict rules governing class and decorum.
So, here’s the full list of your winners.
Satellite/Digital TV Personality – Peter Andre
Digital Radio Personality – Emma Bunton
Weather Presenter – Carol Kirkwood
Sports Presenter – Gabby Logan
News Presenter/Reporter – Susanna Reid
TV Personality of the Year – Ant and Dec
Soap Personality – Ashley Taylor Dawson (Hollyoaks Darren Osborne)
Reality Programme – Strictly Come Dancing
Factual Programme – Paul O’Grady – For The Love Of Dogs
HD Drama Programme of the Year – Doctor Who
Digital Radio Programme – The Chris Evans Breakfast Show
Daytime Programme – This Morning
Crime Programme of the Year – Broadchurch
Entertainment Programme – Gogglebox
Satellite/Digital Programme – Celebrity Juice
TV Soap of the Year – Coronation Street
Tric Special Award – Dancing On Ice