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Kanye West Stops Talking.


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In a move that was probably intended to mock lisping people all around the world, Kanye West decided to drop by The Jonathan Ross show and say something stupid. It’s safe to say the interview didn’t go too well.

Naturally “Kanye’s people” agreed with “Jonathan’s people” that West would refrain from ranting like a moron despite the fact that he’s more famous for the idiotic shit that he says than he is for his music.

Jonathan was hoping for more. He wanted to ask Kanye West about why his slutty wife had retired from the porn industry.

And why people call his sister-in-law (Khloe) “the slow one.”

And is it true what some online commenters have speculated, namely that he’s a SUCKERRRRRRRrrrrrr of COCKSSSSSSSssssss. (see: Givenchy creative director Riccardo Tisci.)

Yes, Kanye West loves the sound of his own ranting voice more than his mother-in-law loves her weight-restricting undergarments. Wossy believed there was no way that this American ass-clown could keep his mouth shut. An epic 30 minute rant was all but in the bag.

Unfortunately what Wossy actually got was total silence. Kanye West had stopped talking. Yes, after singing a shitty little song Kayne just lay down on the floor and refused to speak to the lispy presenter.

Jonathan tried everything he could think of to get the ‘super tough’ rapper to speak. But to no avail. So a baffled Jonathan eventually lay down beside him and made jokes about the size of Kim Kardashian’s bottom.

He said:

“If you want to spoon I don’t mind. It’s not as big as Kim’s but it is all yours.”

But Kanye West still stayed silent. After a while he got up, left the stage and stomped out of the studio.

I’m going to call bullshit on this show before it even begins. This nonsense was scripted. Had to be. Kanye loves the sound of his voice more than any man I know. His feelings aren’t real until he shares them in some unintelligible manner with a microphone. He can’t help his dumb ass.

Besides, it’s one thing for Kanye West to stop talking, it’s quite another to quit his entire ‘raison d’tre.’ It just can’t be done.

BRIT AWARDS – Dress Disasters.


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Last nights Brit Awards – Dress Disasters were held at The O2 in London last night and Holly Willoughby (above right) landed on the red carpet looking like this. How does this happen?

For some reason this dreadful look reminds me of when my 10-year-old sister used to cover herself in bubble wrap and then jump around in a pillow case. Seriously, I don’t know if Holly fell into a Christmas trees or the Christmas tree fell into her.

And where are her boobs?! Why didn’t she wear a low-cut neckline with her cleavage hanging out like the ethereal mist rising above Mt. Olympus?

And that hair is only okay if you’re a Katie Hopkins look-a-like on Job Seekers allowance. Either that or a floppy eared bunny rabbit who just got banged in a tornado.

And what about this leftover wrapping paper affair (above left) from Radio One presenter Gemma Cairney? Maybe her hormones were messing with her sanity because she obviously doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong.

And that dress was all WRONG!

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Speaking of shit that didn’t need to happen last night. Ant and Dec.

These two talentless fools opened the proceedings looking like they’d just been beheaded by Jihadi John. The very act of viewing such an unpleasant image forces you to dip your toes in the pool of crazy ass crazy that is Islamic jihad.

I mean what were these two clowns thinking? These are the last faces you’re going to see in that pitiful life of yours perhaps?

I’m sorry but this is precisely the kind of desperation that happens when creative free thinking gives way to cheap booze and cheap sex. Somebody should arrest these imbeciles on suspicion of being exceptionally distasteful.

And whilst we’re on the subject of nasties lets end Brit Awards – Dress Disasters with a word or three about Kanye West who graced the audience with a performance of his hit tune All Day.

Awful, truly awful.

Madonna – Stumbled and Tumbled.


As Madonna performed “Living For Love” at the Brit Awards last night her ugly ass cape and some crafty old gravity conspired together to bring her down.

By now you’ve already pressed play on that video above so the ‘Happening’ needs no further explanation from me.

As Madonna’s ass hit the floor she was immediately surrounded by hungry cameraman all trying to get pictures of her wee-wee stained underwear. However, stalwart to the end  she got up and kept right on yodelling.

Everyone is to blame for this. The inventor of music, the creator of capes, Sir Isaac Newton, the cameraman who shot this video, the Brit Awards themselves and whoever built that stage. Yes. They should all face criminal charges for their role in this crime against an innocent songster and her music.

I think even the London Major, Boris Jonson had better consult his lawyer. I mean what if she’d fallen on her exquisite porcelain face? God would’ve been so damn mad.

So. Madonna was doing humanity a favour and this is what she gets for it? Well I’m truly amazed that the planet hasn’t stop spinning. Seriously folks, the ooohs of concern were so serious that Sky News had to break into their story about jihadi brides (they probably did) to report that Madge hadn’t broken any bones nor was she cancelling her career.

After the show Madonna took to her Instagram to say that she’s still alive;

My beautiful cape was tied too tight! But nothing can stop me and love really lifted me up! Thanks for your good wishes! I’m fine! ❤️#livingforlove

Of course this all goes to prove that nothing good comes from wearing a cape. Whenever you wear a cape bad shit happens to your ass.

Anyway at least Madonna didn’t die or break any bones, which means it’s okay to laugh. But your laughs had better turn to applause because you really have to hand it to her. She fell all that way down and yet her wig didn’t come off. Now that is one tight wig game. I’m sure Beyonce would like to know which brand of wig glue she uses.

Brit Awards 2015: Predictions.


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Once again the magnificent Brit Awards are upon us. Tonight. Those attending. Teenage girls, old ladies and strange foreign females with fake boobs that nobody will remember inviting. All the lady folk will go braless. Braless is the new trend in style. I suppose it’s better than wearing shiny little hats.

Most of these girls won’t belong at a music awards ceremony, but ditch their bras and they’re on every short list going, including the speed dial over at Operation Yewtree’s mentor program.

NMi’s advertisers still hate tits so I don’t know what they’re going to make of all those ‘accidental’ wardrobe malfunctions they’ll see spattered across tomorrow mornings papers.

Anyway, the giant wig-wam they now call The O2 is where you’ll find all the braless sparkles who’ll be attending the 2015 Brit Awards.

Later tonight you’ll be able to watch a bunch of sunken eyed anorexics talk about the Brit Awards on ITV. You can also listen to all the auto-tuned robotic sounding songsters streaming live through your Google Play.

And if that isn’t enough tomorrow morning you’ll have all the papers to sift through. Page after page after page….. nothing but Brit Awards. (Daily Mail, I’m looking at you.)

But what will happen tonight? Who will get what? And why?

Of course, I’m guessing but here are my predications.

Madonna will be given a lifetime achievement award. Then she’ll donate the award to her official fan club, the Madonna Army. They’re a bit like the Columbian Army but with trendy tops and skimpy skirts instead of the white powdered mood enhancer.

And then there’s Milly Pye. She’s the 18 year-old singer from Chester who once saw a real life @MillyPye mention turn up on Liam Payne’s Twitter feed. She will given an award for being a young influencer. Who she influenced will not be spelt out, so assume they mean underaged girls getting half naked in bedroom selfies.

Katy Perry will win an award for best lyrics, yet nobody will mention that she doesn’t write her own songs.

Rihanna won’t even turn up yet she’ll still win the Instagram Award. That’s right, it’s the same award you give to the hot work experience girl you’re trying to bone at your office.

Ed Sheeran will win an award for red people. He does a good job. Rita Ora’s interstellar boobs will win the Defied Gravity Award. Lily Allen will be there to collect her Stuffed Monkey Award. Harry Styles I’ll skip. And the thought of heckling Noel Gallagher after winning his Gimp and Sex Award makes me feel less than comfortable.

And the Brit Award for Best Female Not Yet Rated will go to Cali Lili™

And then we’ll come to tomorrow morning when all the PR newsflashes will tell us how the Brit Awards 2015 were great success.

None of them will say how the event would’ve been soooo much better if Chris Brown had escaped jail and come to the Brit Awards looking for his woman.

Yes, an angry Chris Brown chasing Rihanna around the Brits would’ve been epic.