Behind the Mask,Emma Sayle,Luisa Zissman,sex,debauchery,memoirs,published,There is always something poetic about staring into an abyss of dirty slutdom. The Sun newspaper knows what I’m talking about. Today they’re running an interview with Emma Sayle, the controversial founder of the sex party club Killing Kittens.

In the interview The Sun talk to Emma about her newly published memoirsBehind The Mask. Obviously Emma’s memoirs are all about taking Britain’s stately homes and turning them into club night venues awash in sex and debauchery. Apparently only stunning single girls and beautiful rich couples are invited to attend these riotous pleasure parties and all must wear a mask.

Sadly Behind The Mask has no censored photographs showing A-List ladies bumping and grinding each other in strawberry flavoured jacuzzies. No doubt their personal lawyers have all threatened to sue Emma’s ass if pictures like that ever get to see the light of day.

I guess that’s also why Emma hasn’t named any of the politicians, footballers, actors or supermodels all whom her parties have helped reach the pinnacles of their pleasure.

Well all except for Luisa Zissman that is who, in an interview with a tabloid last year, named herself.


In the Sun’s interview with Emma she describes Luisa as “a typical Killing Kittens alpha female.” 

Here’s an extract:

“Luisa has been to quite a few parties. I think she used to come to the big ones we held at Portland Place in London.

“She oozes confidence. She’s quite sexually aggressive and she says exactly what she wants.

“I think Luisa likes the freedom but also the control. Females are in control at my parties — it’s not about what the guy wants at all.”

(Via: The Sun.)

Yes, there you were thinking that Luisa was a virginal nun who wears cotton knickers both over and under her pantyhose. Perfect image shattered.

The Sun also asked Emma if she had been tempted to join in with all the fun. She replies, “No, never. When you’re counting bottles of champagne, you’re not thinking about stripping off.”

Emma is four months pregnant with her first baby and one day she’ll need to look her kid in the eye and explain what you have to do to pay the rent. On that day, it’ll be so much better if she can say simulated sex and not real sex.

Behind the Mask is published today by Harper Collins. You can read the rest of the Sun’s interview with Emma here.

My New Favourite Picture – Courtesy Of Mel B.

by Mike D.W on April 23, 2014

Mel B,Spice girl,scratching,bum,pictured,photographed,funny,No matter what time of day it is, I just know that somewhere in this cruel dark world there’s a Spice Girl huffing hate at a paparazzi while everybody else is dying of second-hand embarrassment.

I don’t know what filter (or lack of one) the photographer used to make Mel B look like her thong has caught around her haemorrhoids but I actually really like the picture.

And yes of course I’ve sprained something by laughing so damn hard at it but this picture really does have everything it needs to win a Pulitzer prize in the Exquisite Composition category.

I know, book me a room at The Bethlam.

Picture: PCN.

Pluck A Duck, What Have We Got Here Then?

by Mike D.W on April 22, 2014

Ducks,walks,leash,peckham,picture,viral,funny,Photo-op! People actually walk ducks? I thought it was just dogs. Architect Sam Jacob snapped this picture while he was out jogging in Peckham yesterday afternoon. It’s now gone viral on Twitter.

There are three reasons why I don’t keep ducks. First one: There’s no way I’d get up at the quack of dawn (sorry) to walk a pair of ducks. Second one: I’d probably sit them in front of the TV then go about my daily routine and ignore their asses. Third one: I have a cat and she’d probably eat the ducks, then she’d be a duck-filled-fatty-pus. (sorry again)

You’ll never catch me feeding the ducks. Mike D.W spent the day at the park, feeding the ducks….. boring.

Just kidding. I’d love to keep ducks.

Y’know, this does seem the perfect excuse to pull this video out from the archives.

Picture: Sam Jacob/Twitter


Property and Mortgages – Part One.

by Admin on April 22, 2014

Property,Mortgages,credit granting,regulations,applications,loans,building societies,banks,PEOPLE say that one of the causes of the financial crash back in 2008 was the subprime mortgage market in America. Those guys made loans to buyers who were most unlikely to ever meet their repayment obligations.

Ever since then the system for granting people mortgages has – quite rightly – been tightened up. Mortgages are now harder to come by. Next weekend you will see a new level of caution being applied as a result of new regulations which have come into force following the Mortgage Market Review.

You may have heard this mentioned on local radio. Under these new regulations mortgage applicants will have to answer a whole bunch of questions about their monthly outgoings and overheads.

These questions are designed to help the lender establish if an applicant will be able to pay a mortgage after putting food on the table, paying the bills and remunerating whoever takes them to work.

Many experts are not convinced by these new rules and say they are not strictly necessary because most applicants already have to answer detailed questions about their outgoings.

Others believe this is simply another attempt by corporate Britain to monitor people’s lifestyle as even their off-licence bills or payments to their bookmakers will be coming under scrutiny.

ARGLike it wasn’t already hard enough for young couples to find themselves a home today, now they’re expected them to have a crystal ball in their pockets because under these new regulations there will also be questions about their future plans, having a family and their job prospects for example.

There is now a clear and present danger that very soon it will become simply too difficult to think about a new home, let alone buy one.

The financial process is not helped by the burden of stamp duty, estate agents’ fees and legal costs. For many these are the real deal breakers.

We don’t want a housing market that is out of control but we certainly don’t want one that is hamstrung either.

Next week we will discuss the best way to set about buying your home. And about the best ways to obtain a mortgage!

Murder Most Fowl: Four Beautiful Swans Beheaded!

by Mike D.W on April 22, 2014

Swans,killed,heads,lake,milton keynes,RSPCA,Queen,So far it’s proving to be an awful month for birds and their admirers. Today, my heart was broken into a million pieces after reading (in the Huffington Post - don’t click unless you want your day completely ruined) about the senseless murder of four elegant swans.

The bodies of four graceful swans are now swimming on heaven’s crystal lagoon. They are in complete darkness and have no clue as to which way they are going. And that’s because last week persons unknown skipped hand-in-hand with Lucifer before……slicing off the swan’s heads off with a rusty blade.

This story has everything you’ll ever need to make you hiss with horror! Seriously, I want to measure myself up for a suicide face right now because this is the kind of murderess mess my worst nightmares are made of. 

Huffpo UK says that Steven Cooper, a fisheries officer and secretary of the Beacon Angling Club was the one to make the gruesome discovery next to the Mount Farm lake in Milton Keynes. He is now is urging the RSPCA to find the evil-doers behind the heinous crime.

He said:

“We have found four heads, and only one of them had the body close by it. That was near the Inn on the Lake pub, so the person may have been disturbed while doing it. As fisheries officer, I found them all, with bailiffs on the lake, over the last three weeks.

I have tended to find them early in the morning. There is an area of the lake that is currently out of bounds for fishing, and I have found them in that area, which is quiet. The swans are friendly, and an easy target. I’m beginning to think that people are doing it for food.

It doesn’t look like it was done by an animal, it was a blade that took the heads off. I have seen animal kill, and it does not look like that.”

And what about Her Majesty the Queen? Naturally it is she that owns all the beautiful swans that live in England and Wales. They are royal birds. What kind of a facial expression will she be pulling when they tell her these birds of supreme elegance have now ascended to heaven and are lost to the nation forever?

If the Queen is anything like me (she isn’t) then she’ll need to pump herself full of a numbing agent in order to calm down before declaring Milton Keynes a human free zone.

Now, lets cheer ourselves up by watching four black swans who have learned to surf.


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UK Prisons: The Empire Strikes Back.

by Mike D.W April 22, 2014

Because it’s another slow-ass news day lets talk about the interesting part about being a Jedi knight. The everyday stuff. The things the movie never really explains. What would happen if Luke Skywalker ever killed his wife or if Hans Solo and Chewbacca ran from a restaurant without paying the bill. What could possibly go wrong? They’d get their […]

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Oscar For An Oscar. Is Pistorious Taking Acting Lessons?

by Mike D.W April 21, 2014

OSCAR PISTORIOUS. Sources have been whispering into the ears of the South African media and one of them has been whispering to the former Sunday Times journalist, Jani Allen. So, here comes THE TRUTH about that defence which everybody knew would come. Firstly we can forget all that the prosecution have claimed. We can forget that Oscar got into a […]

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Who Didn’t See This Coming?

by Mike D.W April 21, 2014

   “Josie is deluded if she thinks this will improve her chances of signing up, which were slim to non-existent to start with. How can we work with her — or pay her — if she admits having an abortion to achieve that? It would be a minefield.” Channel 5   Tweet

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How We Nearly Lost This Precious Angel.

by Mike D.W April 20, 2014

Kerry Katona’s daughter, Jorgie was born less than a month ago, but people are already asking where the million pound baby pictures are. A source says they might be a while. Kerry is currently busy working on getting her pre-baby body back. She’s working really hard to drop the chunk because she’s due to show up in OK magazine very soon. Baby Jorgie will make her […]

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NHS Boob Job Girl Josie Cunningham Plans Abortion So That She Can Enter Big Brother.

by Mike D.W April 20, 2014

Pregnant NHS boob-job girl, Josie Cunningham is back in the papers today to remind us that something other than a 12-inch dildo is knocking at the walls of her womb. However, whilst Josie confirms (in a video interview with the Sunday Mirror) that she’s still knocked up she also says the chance of appearing in TV’s Big Brother is worth way more […]

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Did Someone Pee In David Cameron’s Face?

by Mike D.W April 18, 2014

When I first read Fleet Street Fox’s imaginary interview with the jellyfish that stung David Cameron I thought what a beauty! I can confidently say that the Mirror’s wine loving woman has written the best piece of pure fiction since Kelvin McKenzie told us about sneezing fish. However Fleet Street Fox’s ‘interview’ seems to be missing an important transitional scene […]

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Sometimes A Headline Just Writes Itself – Here’s Candice Swanepoel’s Pussy Picture.

by Mike D.W April 18, 2014

Does a Victorias Secret’s model need a reason to throw sexy pictures up to her Instagram. No of course not, and Candice Swanepoel is always on hand to blow kisses and wink at a camera in order to convince men to buy bras and perfume from her employer.   Obviously Candice’s pictures are a veritable armageddon of sexy but watch out for this multi-talented angel, […]

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Andre Johnson Has Cut His Penis Off.

by Mike D.W April 18, 2014

TMZ are reporting how rapper Andre Johnson, who once worked with the group Wu-Tang Clan, cut his own penis off and then jumped from a second floor balcony in an apparent suicide attempt. Andre was found screaming on a pavement in West Hollywood at 1:00 am last Wednesday morning. He was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital in a critical condition. […]

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