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Spice Girls Reunion?

Spice Girls,Reunion,Newsmediaimages.com

The 1990s keep finding new ways to let us know that they’re officially back but when are they going to prove that they’re really REALLY back by giving us a reboot of the Spice Girls?

Yes, five mums all in their forties wearing ill-fitting, age-inappropriate costumes and lip synching (badly) to songs that sucked fifteen years ago! That mess sounds really hot! That’s right, it’ll be like five secretaries going on a karaoke night, except it’ll cost you £250!

To be perfectly honest with you I’m not entirely sure which one is which anymore. Well, except for Victoria because I think her uppity ass is actually quite hot.

I’ve seen the Spice Girls a couple of times and Victoria was always the best part. Bitch always did nothing. She just stood there in a hot dress, pointing at the crowd now and again and sort of moving her lips. I’ve seen dead grasshoppers move about more than she did.

But y’know, the Spice Girls are NOTHING without Victoria. Of course they could always try replacing her with a bitchy-looking broomstick in a brown wig. Nobody would know the difference. Well, they’d have to shave a few inches off of that broomstick to make it look as skinny as Victoria, but still… without a skinny black cloud of poutiness the Spice Girls just wouldn’t work.

And.. I would bin the one who wears the Union Jack dress too. She always looks like she’s drunk on battery acid or something.

I take it the Sunday Mirror isn’t exactly in love with the idea of a Spice Girls reunion either as they pretty much called them old and withered in an article they published yesterday.

People say that God looks out for the working man, but when is God going to look out for those of us who want to see a return of the News of the World? I mean WHEN!!?? That paper brought us proper scandal, salacious career destroying gossip – not made up nonsense like this.

I’m sorry readers but once again this really is another slow-ass news day.

Anyway… a quick Programming Note: My ass will be in London Town for most of the bank holiday and no-one will be filling in for me. I’ll be back full-time tomorrow.

Jorgie Porter – Morning Model.

Jorgie Porter,Morning Model,Lingerie,Bikini,Newsmediaimages.com

People often ask me, what is click bait? Jorgie Porter is click bait. Stop asking.

Islamic Fundamentalists may not agree with women showing off their bodies in public, but who actually believes that the universal scapegoat for events yet to be explained could create such bodies only to demand that they be covered up.

Reconcile your good book with some basic truths ISIS. To create something magnificent only to withhold it from others, well that’s the devil’s work. So, I ask you, who is the more pious? Your burqa beaters in Syria or a Hollyoaks actress with a sweet ass?

As much as it will cost a small Asian village a week’s wages, a few days of starvation rations are the price of seeing a world renowned actress wearing nothing but a smile and a tiny bit of lace. Get used to it Al-Queda.

Anyway, underwear is nothing more than a contrivance of polite society. An artificial waste of time. Jesus weeps when nice bodies are covered up. I’m pretty sure that’s in one of the Gospels.

If your girlfriend has a body like Jorgie Porter, then you’re going to want to buy her lingerie for her birthday. You might want to take photographs of her wearing said present. So, take her somewhere remote where the GPS doesn’t and work tell her model it for you.

And remember this, romance is an invention for the ugly people. Don’t pander to it, just plan ahead. Also. Make a sex tape before your girlfriend realises that she can do better than you.

Princess (Name) Of Cambridge Has Arrived.

Princess (Name) Of Cambridge, Birth,Royal,,Newsmediaimages.com

Princess (Name) of Cambridge has now arrived so we can all stop staring at that damn Lindo Wing door for hours on end and breath a royal sigh of relief.

Yes, the quickest royal birth in history is over. Yesterday at 8.34am, less than three hours after being admitted to hospital the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby princess – a little sister for George.

The second most powerful baby in Britain, whose nappies will have more say than the Prime Minister weighed in at 8lb 3oz. Peasant babies, eat your hearts out!

As part of their never-ending campaign to make us peasants think that we’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William stood on the steps of St Mary’s hospital in west London yesterday looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who enjoy nothing more than chilling out in their everyday, normal house.

Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace.

It’s true! And the normal, everyday baby in the picture above will have two nannies, a personal chef, a butler and four ladies-in-waiting to brush her hair with silver combs every day of her life.

The next royal event the fourth-in-line to the throne will attend will be her christening. She will then become Her Royal Highness Princess (name) of Cambridge.

I know that some of you are now furiously searching the Internet to find out who designed the last royal christening gown, because you want one for your baby. Well, I’m sorry wannabes, but that shit is vintage and no, you can’t buy it at Debenhams or one of those fancy shops where rich people buy used clothes.

And because she’s a potential future Queen of England Princess (name) of Cambridge will have seven godparents who will be her spiritual advisors and guide her through life.

They will be:

1. Jodie Marsh.
2. Katie Price.
3. Jedward.
4. Jeremy Kyle.
5. Lauren Pope.
6. Pete Doherty.
7. Pippa Middleton’s ass.

Oh, I wish.

Kim Kardashian,Selfish,Sel;fies,Book,Newsmediaimages.com

If you’re like me, you’re counting the days until Kim Kardashian’s book of scandalous selfies comes out.

If the first five chapters don’t grab your attention then nothing will.

In no particular order: Essential Selfies, Summer of Selfies, Chlamydia Selfies, Crap Selfies and Cleavage Selfies.

No doubt Kim will be out and about next week promoting her new book and showing us just how easy it is to turn the simple selfie into a million dollar pay cheque.

Kim Kardashian will have rapper-cum-baby maker Kayne West to follow her around the book shops and stop people yelling, ‘Who’s done the sloppiest selfie in the ladies then?’

After all that would be an unkind thing to shout out at a book launch.

Kim Kardashian West: Selfish – published by Rizzoli – will be released on May 5.

Miley Cyrus. Some Praise.

Miley Cyrus,joint,instagram,newsmediaimages.com

I’m not here to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m her to praise her. Not for her skinny little body. Nor for how she used her minuscule cleavage to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman on Earth.

Nope, not here for her music either. Nor her stage show and certainly not those midgets who auto-tune her music into hideous levels of corruption.

No. I am here to praise Miley Cyrus for persuading the world that self-expression means getting fucked-up and sticking your tongue out.

For fucked-up see above. For sticking your tongue out see below.

Miley Cyrus, tongue,Newsmediaimages.com

The Hatie Katie Hopkins Column.

Katie Hopkins,Hate Column,newsmediaimages.com

It is widely known that Katie Hopkins is being afforded Kim Jong-un style propaganda space in the Sun newspaper. Because there are wars going on nobody should give a damn. But they do.

A week or so back we told you how 200,000 people had signed a petition demanding that the Sun fire Katie Hopkins’ monstrous mouth out of their newspaper and far far away. But they haven’t.

In her brief time as a public figure Katie Hopkins seems to have redefined the word vindictive. She’s taken swipes at everyone and everything that the decent and fair minded people of our nation hold dear.

In my opinion one of the worst verbal atrocities Hopkins has ever committed was the one that befell former boxing promoter Kellie Maloney, who had been left with mortifying injuries following horrifying cosmetic surgery that left her bleeding from the eyes and moments from death.

Alongside a picture of Kellie’s terrible facial injuries Hopkins tweeted,

“I don’t care what you say, Kellie Maloney is looking blinding.”

Hopkins has also stated that she doesn’t really like fat people and that she wouldn’t want to meet a ginger person in the dark. [click to continue…]