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Wayne Rooney Banned For Drunk Driving.


Wayne Rooney - Drunk driving - court -convictedWAYNE ROONEY must believe that if OJ Simpson got away with murder, then he could get away with drunk driving. Unfortunately on September 1st he found out otherwise.

While his wife, Coleen, was on holiday in Spain Wayne Rooney had a night out. He went to the Bubble Room and the Symposium, a late-night cocktail bar in Wilmslow. After dancing on tables and singing along to Oasis songs Wayne left with 29-year-old office worker, Laura Simpson.

Once outside they jumped into her black Volkswagen Beetle and headed for her place. Wayne decided to drive.

Well, it’s easier to hide a porn riddled browser history than a drunken footballer. A few minutes later Wayne was pulled over by Cheshire Police.

The officers told Wayne to get out of the car and guess what happened next? Yes, that’s right…. the officer smelt post-bender seepage all over Wayne’s breath.

Naturally enough the officer then breathalysed Wayne and to his surprise (not), discovered his alcohol level was 104 micrograms for every 100 millilitres of breath. That’s almost three times the legal limit. The drink-drive limit in England and Wales is 35 micrograms per 100 millilitres of breath.

Wayne was then arrested and spent the rest of the night in a concrete cell shivering like a chihuahua.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and the former England captain appeared at Stockport Magistrates’ Court to answer for his crime.

After pleading guilty as charged Wayne Rooney was banned from driving for two years while being ordered to pay £170 in court costs. He was also given a 12-month community order and instructed to perform 100 hours of unpaid work.

Not Enough?

What kind of a judge gives a man earning £150k per week 100 hours of community service and fines his stupid ass just £170? What the hell is wrong with that judge?

How can that be fair? The judge could have fined him 200k and he’d still be living a life of opulence and luxury.

Why not order Rooney to dance around in his underwear at a Everton game. Or put him in a metal can with a bunch of lit fireworks.

Alternatively the judge could have hung him. I mean how much does a good rope cost nowadays, eight pounds?

Wayne is rapidly becoming one of the most popular public nuisances in history. If only Oasis had a song for that…


Brexit-Bill-UK-ParliamnentAS BREXIT continues to hover over Britain like a dark thunder cloud our politicians seem so entwined in this madness they cannot see the wood for the trees.

Seriously, it seems incredible that I’m even reporting on this. Last Monday, the House of Commons voted on the European Union Withdrawal Bill. Essentially this Brexit related bill will give Teresa May’s minority government sweeping new powers to make laws without parliamentary scrutiny.

The EU Withdrawal Bill is like the Enabling Act.

The proposed powers in the EU Withdrawal bill bear an uncanny resemblance to Hitler’s Enabling Act of 1933. Essentially this act allowed the Fuhrer to bypass the Reichstag and govern by proclamation.

My reference to Nazi Germany is not a melodramatic exaggeration. Here’s my justification for it.

Following the general election Prime Minister May did not win an absolute majority in the British Parliament. Neither did Hitler in the Reichstag back in 1933. If the EU Withdrawal Bill is passed as it stands, then Theresa May’s minority government will be able to reverse and adapt primary legislation. Without reference to Parliament!

As a result Theresa May could make laws by decree. Just like Hitler did.

I believe this bill represents the greatest attack on the British constitution in modern history. The Hansard Society agrees. This is an organisation that works tirelessly to strengthen parliamentary democracy in the UK and around the world. Last week in a report into the bill they said,

“The broad scope of the delegated powers (including Henry VIII powers) within the EU (Withdrawal) Bill, the inadequate constraints placed on them, and shortcomings in the proposed parliamentary control of the delegated legislation that will be made using them, constitute a toxic mix for Parliament and the balance of power between executive and legislature.”

It’s ironic. We were told that Brexit was the only way to reclaim parliamentary sovereignty from Brussels. The harsh reality is that Brexit is about to deliver quite the opposite.

As this dangerous bill progresses through it’s parliamentary stages we will discover which politicians have the stomach to fight for the independence of ‘the mother of all parliaments’.

Rule Britannia ! That’s all I have to say.

 

Kim Kardashian: Surrogate Is Married With Children.


Kim Kardashian, news media imagesIt seems like forever since we’ve had Kim Kardashian on the front page. However, it’s appropriate as on Wednesday it was announced that she is expecting her third child – a girl.

I should have said “sort of expecting”. Because Kim Kardashian suffers with placenta accreta she has hired a surrogate to carry the baby for her. That’s right, after two children Kim has finally realised that pregnancy is best left to the poor and underprivileged.

Apparently American model Chrissy Teigen offered to be Kim’s surrogate. Outwardly, the American model seemed a perfect match. However, Kim declined Teigen’s offer because deep down she doesn’t want her third child smelling like an unwashed gym towel.

The Surrogate is married….

More details have now emerged about the mystery surrogate. She is a married African-American in her 20s with two sons of her own. She is being paid $45,000 but if there are multiple births then she will receive an additional $5k for each one.

The surrogate is also required to behave herself. During her pregnancy she must refrain from smoking, drinking or taking drugs. She has also agreed to restrict her sexual activities in the weeks leading up to the birth.

Such are the contractual restrictions the surrogate cannot enjoy a hot tub or a sauna. Nor is she allowed to change cat litter, apply hair dye or drink more than one caffeinated drink per day. Or eat raw fish.

Yes, surrogacy is so in but here’s the best part. If the surrogate loses her reproductive organs, then Kim will pay her a bonus of, wait for it … $4,000!

I have to ask why the clause for the surrogate losing her reproductive organs. Lets face it even Roman Polanski let Rosemary keep her uterus in his Hollywood blockbuster

Oh well you can’t win a contractual argument with Kim Kardashian. You know why? Because Kim has no idea what you’re talking about and in the time you spend making your point her net wealth has increased by half a million.

Anyway. With every little girl in America being raised on reality television they must think this is a promotion for Planet of the Apes 2.


David Davis Michael Barnier Brexit EULast week, at the end of more than 50 hours of hard negotiating, David Davis made it clear that Britain’s dream Brexit exit might not become a reality.

In a news conference on Thursday, the European Union’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier, appeared deeply frustrated and angry while Brexit secretary David Davis frowned and shook his head at most of Mr Barnier’s comments.

According to Barnier trade talks between the UK and the EU are unlikely to proceed as planned.

The original plan was that serious talks on a trade deal would start in October. However, this was always dependant on the UK demonstrating “sufficient progress” on three preliminary issues. The financial ‘divorce settlement’ – the rights of EU citizens in the UK and Northern Ireland.

Unfortunately party pooper Barnier said that no progress on any of these issues had been made except that of Northern Ireland, where there had been some positive movement. In the press conference he said,

At the current state of progress we are far from saying that ‘sufficient progress’ has taken place.

We did not get any decisive progress on any of the principal subjects even though the Ireland subject was fruitful.

When the news filtered through to the UK press corps, reporters raged and wailed their indignation. Then they tore off all their clothes. Such was their fury a riot seemed likely with demented scribes demanding Michael Barnier’s head on a stick! Fortunately, after Brexit secretary David Davis made his more placatory statement, they all calmed down.

 The Brexit Dream

Last week’s press conference was the same old song and dance from both sides of the negotiating table. It was like one side wanted to force gay people to get married in front of a flaming stack of Bibles while the other side wanted Britain’s working class to suffer a slow and painful death.

But which side is which? Who cares? Neither side are going to fix the student loan crisis or stop chatty bike riders throwing intellectual assaults at car drivers.  

However both sides still appeal to the nasty feral xenophobia that led us to Brexit in the first place.

So what’s become of our glorious vision of Brexit? We don’t know because we haven’t been told what it is. David Davis continues to assure us it will be glorious. Even if we end up with no deal at all, it will still be glorious.

And we must believe him even though we have no idea how glorious it will be. You simply can’t believe a word of any of it.

However, one thing I do believe is that we are now a fawning press conference away from all things counterculture because Barnier and Davis have a lot in common. Their  credibility is waning, their logic rambling and neither could spot an elephant in a cupboard.

No, you’d never hit the Like button on Facebook for either of them.

People Want Prince William For King.


Prince William Prince Charles nmi newsmediaimagesACCORDING to the Sun newspaper, who once reported a story correctly in 1998, most of the British people want to see Prince William become their next King. Not his father Charles.

A poll conducted for The Sun showed that 51 per cent of the people want Prince William to be their next King with only 22% backing Charles – most of his support came from the over-75s.

Ken Wharfe, Diana’s royal protection officer, said she had always believed her son William would become King before Charles.

Of the poll Ken said:

“I cannot disagree with these statistics. No other monarch has ever reigned   as long as The Queen – the thought of getting an ageing grey-haired King Charles is perhaps not the best option.”

Whilst Prince William is clearly the peoples choice it’s hard not to feel slightly sorry for him. I mean spending his formative years wondering if he’d inherit those big ears from his father. What must that have felt like? Then he goes prematurely bald at twenty-two – thanks Dad.

Then there was the etiquette school. Who wants that at the age of five?

Really, I honestly feel quite sorry for Prince William. After all he can’t be happy. He may have a ton of money in the bank but he can’t spend it.

Recreation

As for his pastimes and recreational pursuits Prince William has been forced to play polo most of his adult life which can’t have been much fun.

He used to love flying his air rescue helicopter but they’ve taken that away from him now.

Married Life

Now that he’s married there’s the constant worry that North Korea might kidnap his wife and hold her to ransom. I think it would be pretty awful if countries started doing that kind of thing again.

There’s worse things of course. How about having to tell your wife to stop wearing summer dresses with high hemlines while getting in and out of helicopters? That can’t be easy.

And worse still, what about all the pain he went through when he guillotined that French magazine for publishing boobtastic pictures of his wife’s bare chest? Awful, simply awful.

Poor chap, I think he’d be so much happier selling men’s suits at Debenhams.

Yes, if you’re forced to pity a billionaire, then Prince William is the one to choose.

Simon Cowell – Gender Pay Pioneer.


simon Cowell,newsmediaimages, equal pay,BBC,X FactorSimon Cowell has achieved so much in life, signing a whole bunch of pop acts no-ones ever heard of, berating emotionally disturbed singers on national TV and having a baby with his best friends wife. But this all pales into insignificance compared to his latest achievement. That’s right, Simon Cowell has just become a gender pay ‘pioneer’.

Following the recent BBC salaries scandal which revealed an embarrassing  pay gap between men and women, Simon Cowell has revealed that he pays Nicole Scherzinger and Sharon Osbourne more than he does Louis Walsh.

And this makes him a ‘gender pay pioneer.’

The music mogul said that despite being hugely embarrassing for the broadcaster the unequal pay scandal had been a good thing for everyone who had discovered they were being underpaid.

Of his own pay policy at the X Factor Simon said;

“Over the years I would say we’ve probably paid the girls more money than the guys. If they get the money, it doesn’t matter to me whether you’re a boy or a girl.

For once this is good news. Victory…, I just don’t tell Louis. Besides he’s got enough money for a bum implant so he shouldn’t be complaining.”

Yeah, I’m a pioneer I guess.”

If you’re going to be proud of anything Simon, then be proud of that.

Anyway moving on…. The BBC pay gender scandal.

Who are the players here? Of the 96 highest earners at the BBC, 62 are male and 34 female. The average man earns £295,000 while the average woman earns £210,000.

This is unconventional madness. We are no longer living in a feminist bubble where everything is rainbows and struggle-free sunshine. No sir, lets face it the lady told the BBC that she was worth more. She explained why she was worth more. So they paid her less.

This is as unfair as it is immoral. Firstly, that someone believed she could live off £2100,000 a year and secondly the courage she showed in the face of male privilege. Cheek of it!

I don’t begrudge anybody working their butt off and getting paid more than the GDP of the world’s poorest nation. Not by a little but by a lot. However, I’m sure the BBC now have a name for these poor ladies. It probably rhymes with program glitches.