Here’s Jennifer Lopez, surely the freshest of all the flowers picked from heaven’s most beautiful of gardens. Seen here in her latest music video, Booty ft. Iggy Azalea, J-Lo twerks and grinds her bits around like she was humping her way to an early hip replacement.
And if you didn’t think it possible for the reincarnation of Linda Lovelace to serve you more ass muddling moments than Deep Throat ever did then these four minutes of grandma grindbotting will change your mind forever. The Internet can now be charged with sending this peep show around the world and in doing so it will teach our young impressionable daughters how bad ass sexiness is really done.
I guess that every so often a lady has the right to pull up her dress and give everyone an eyeful of her ‘hctans’ as she twerdles it at anything that moves but when I first watched the video I barely noticed JLo’s petals of purity humping the air like they were the embodiment of a feminist icon. No, I was concentrating more on the philosophical mosaic of heterogeneous lyrics that grace this musical masterpiece. (that’s a lie right there)
I’m sure that when the world’s parents see this soft porn super show they’ll immediately shuffle their daughters off to the nearest convent before Jennifer’s rampant camel toe can devour all their innocence.
But seriously, you’d think that a world that’s brought us such graceful examples of demure womanhood as Miley Cyrus and Rihanna would appreciate another middle-aged hoebagel showing off her felted mound in a skimpy leotard. But it hasn’t. After seeing Jennifer popping her parts like a deranged duck with a hot curling tongue up it’s bum the parental voices of social media have issued their verdict. It’s a resounding NOOOooooooo!
You should not expose yourself to this flip flop of mess but if you do insist on seeing it for yourself then JLo’s performance is below. May your God have mercy on your soul. (thankyouverymuch).
I know this isn’t exactly BREAKING NEWS this morning but for all you die-hard Scottish independence fans out there who are wondering what caused the YES campaign to go so very wrong last night, well it’s all because of this man here:
Name: Ross Somethingorother
Claim to Fame: Ross is the #1 male Barbie in Scotland. Ross believes that you can never be too orange, you can never wear enough makeup and your kilt can never be too short.
Had Scotland voted to leave the union last night then Ross’s organic orange face was going feature on the back of a new Scottish ten pound note. Yes, Scotland would have had it’s own money that the Scots could have spent in the shops just like real money.
An independent Scottish government were going to put a “president” face on the front their note and naturally that president’s face would have been Alex Salmond’s.
Well, here’s where things went a bit wrong. On the back of the notes the original idea was to have a man running away with an oil drum but then someone thought it might be a better having the face of that handsome gent in the sassy tie you see above.
Had Ross appeared before the BBC cameras standing back to back with Alex Salmond then they’d have looked like that bank note and the YES vote would surely have prevailed.
But where was Ross last night when Scotland really needed him? Ross was either doing himself with a bronzer stick or at the doctors being treated for foundation poisoning.
Wherever he was, Ross punished Scotland last night by not appearing with Alex Salmond to rally the Scottish into voting YEEEEES!
Cressida Bonas (which is a skin condition in Japan) and Prince Harry made a public appearance together last night when they went to the cinema to watch a film called Sex Tape. There, Prince Harry, Cressida Bonas and Sex Tape all in the same sentence. The search engines are gonna love this.
Anyway, Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas watching Sex Tape together? What I really want to know is did Harry ‘Bonass’ Cressida in the back row? People do that in cinemas you know, really they do. I’ve been refreshing the BBC’s site all morning and I haven’t see any reports of a flooding at a cinema, so it seems that Cressida managed to save her lady place for later in the evening.
The Sun are reporting this one and they’re saying that the pair left the cinema in separate cars – which both drove straight back to Kensington palace. The clever tabloid also found a source who told them “It’s early days for Harry but he knows that she’s the one”
Y’know what? I’m delighted, at least he’s not dating that polystyrene peanut Pippa Middleton.
If you stumbled into Beyonce’s bedroom you might catch her eating a hedgehog or telling a giant glow worm that it will feel nothing when she stabs it with a painted talon.
Seriously, this woman is madder than a Madagascan monkey and if she thinks that she can hoodwink every smart-ass on the Internet into believing that those thighs are the real deal then her foolish trollopness knows no bounds.
In that picture (above) which Beyonce sent out to her fans via Tumblr earlier today, it’s supposed to show her super slim thighs. But it’s messed up. What it really shows is the horror of incompetence that lurks behind her inability to master Photoshop. I mean look at that step between her legs for example.
That being said if Beyonce wants to airbrush her thighs so badly that she looks like she’s been filtered with a gallon of distemper then that’s entirely up to her.
Yes, fill your boots honey, but seriously now those thighs look like they’ve been lipo’d with a rusty vacuum cleaner.
Over the last few weeks more than 10million people have talked about the Scottish referendum on Facebook, research has found. So, Facebook have decided to add an “I’m a voter” button on the news feeds of all those who are eligible to vote in tomorrows referendum. Elizabeth Linder, Facebook’s big boss for politics and government issues in Europe said: “In just […]
After learning that the cost of a typical home in London is £514,000, first time buyers are probably crying their eyes out and shaking their fists at the moon. A market being pushed to the brink of madness by opulence, financial freedom and luxury is fine for the privileged few but for a first time buyer looking to settle in London then […]
For young musicians an international music competition can prove a rumble tumble battle full of nail-biting moments. This proved the case for Japanese flutist Yukie Ota last weekend when she encountered an unusual distraction while performing in the highly competitive Carl Nielsen International Flute Competition in Denmark. In the clip below, you will see a glorious butterfly […]
Katie Price’s new baby daughter has officially been named as BUNNY HAYLER and this picture on the cover of OK Magazine shows the paralysed look of a baby who’s just learned that it’s entire life will be tainted by the sound of it’s own name. I sincerely hope for this child’s sake that someone can invent time travel within the next […]
This is how a headline and the picture can tell the reader everything they need to know about the story. And yes, when you’re featuring the Columbian ladies cycling team you know it’s a slow news day. This ladies cycling outfit is probably the nearest Columbia will get to a weapon of mass destruction. Nowhere is safe. […]
There’s nothing like a heartwarming tweet to spoil our appetite for fast food. Hot dogs in particular. Jack P Shepherd, who plays David Platt in Coronation Street, discovered this when he shook his Twitter fans out of their backsides by tweeting jokes about the Manchester Dogs’ Home fire. The actor tweeted: “I have a million “hot dog” jokes” and “You guys need […]
According to the Sun newspaper today a sex tape starring the man with the most punchable face in Britain is up for sale and he’s trying really hard to keep it from scorching our eyeballs. The tabloid insists that in the tape Tumble judge Louis Smith is seen stripping off, talking sexy and performing an unmentionable act on himself. Dan Wooton […]
Tonight the angels are going to hear Anita Dobson singing Anyone Can Fall In Love because all the papers are saying that today another veteran of the soap opera, John Bardon has followed Sir Donald Sinden and the Reverend Ian Paisley up to heaven. John suffered a massive stroke seven years ago which left him needing round the […]
The Reverend Ian Paisley, who had a history of double double toil and trouble fire burn and cauldron bubble, travelled up the great orange box in the sky this morning complaining of everything he could think of. A few hours later God told him that he was dead and to please STFU. Yes, the very Reverend Ian […]