When I first read Fleet Street Fox’s imaginary interview with the jellyfish that stung David Cameron I thought what a beauty! I can confidently say that the Mirror’s wine loving woman has written the best piece of pure fiction since Kelvin McKenzie told us about sneezing fish.
However Fleet Street Fox’s ‘interview’ seems to be missing an important transitional scene and a specific insert. The aforegoing adds the part of the story which hitherto remains untold by the Fleet Street Fox.
Essentially what both our tales are about is our esteemed leader, David Cameron who is currently holidaying in Lanzarote with his wife Samantha. Yesterday they visited the popular resort beach of Arrieta. It was so hot that David decided to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he was attacked by jellyfish.
Here’s what happened next.
Covered in sting marks, David barely manages to drag himself to shore. “Ouch Ouch Ouch” he shouts as members of the public immediately surround him. Spurred into action David’s quick thinking wife immediately pushes everyone out of her way, then pops a squat and out comes a golden number-one. All over the Prime Minister’s face.
You had better believe that whenever a woman pees on David Cameron’s face, a camera is always in attendance. So yes, a photographer did get close-ups of Dave’s golden shower. Watch.
Note To Lawyers: Clearly neither myself nor Fleet Street Fox had anything better to do today so we both made shit up. Apart from dodgy Dave getting stung by a jellyfish none of this is true but don’t you all wish that it was.
Does a Victorias Secret’s model need a reason to throw sexy pictures up to her Instagram. No of course not, and Candice Swanepoel is always on hand to blow kisses and wink at a camera in order to convince men to buy bras and perfume from her employer.
Obviously Candice’s pictures are a veritable armageddon of sexy but watch out for this multi-talented angel, because right now she’s handling the all important duty of posting images of herself wearing little or no clothing very differently.
Take this picture for example, (above) how long did it take Candice to incorporate such a wild and risky idea into her PR game? Probably as long as Candice has been alive. Maybe longer. Now I hate pussy pictures.
Someone get a puppy and throw it at her.
In the video below you will see more of Candice’s pussy, it’s around the .56 mark. Watch.
TMZ are reporting how rapper Andre Johnson, who once worked with the group Wu-Tang Clan, cut his own penis off and then jumped from a second floor balcony in an apparent suicide attempt.
Andre was found screaming on a pavement in West Hollywood at 1:00 am last Wednesday morning. He was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital in a critical condition.
The hospital refused to comment on Andre’s condition but TMZ have said that all attempts to reattach him to his penis have now failed.
Johnson (now known as miss Johnson) also goes by the name of Christ Bearer and is in the rap band Northstar.
Two members (sic) of the band who live in the same apartment building told TMZ that they were in the room when Johnson, without any prior warning, suddenly sliced off his penis, ran to the window and then jumped. They said he was not doing “any hard drugs that would cause him to do such a thing” and think that Andre must have been suffering some kind of a mental issue.
I have a brain full of questions marks over this one. What could possible drive a man to cut his own penis off? AND, if they can’t stitch it back on again, what happens to it? Does it get pickled and put in a jar? Placed on the mantlepiece for all to see?
Maybe they just bury it, you know in a tiny wooden coffin. What do they say, Dust to dust or Woodie to woodie? And on the headstone? Here lies my beloved Dick – Rest in Peace?
I’m no expert on prisons, so I don’t know what life ‘on the inside’ is really like, but I think we can all agree that prison is a place that nobody wants to go.
If television has taught us anything, it’s that life in jail is a non-stop parade of felony-level violence, face tattoos, shower stabbings, filed toothbrush handles and strangers who want to pierce your lips with a fishing lure.
Most people get sent to jail for acting like a loud mess in public or for not paying their taxes, certainly not for growing god’s gift to mankind in their spare bedrooms. I mean, apart from a majestic manifestation of male masculinity how can the police know what a chap is growing in his bedroom?
The answer? DRONES.
Drones started life in the military but simpler remote-control models equipped with thermal imaging equipment are now being used by police to spot weed farms.
The Sun are reporting how West Midlands Police are flying drones over homes looking for any that emit a white glow — which is a tell-tale sign of cannabis production because weed plants need hydroponic heat and light in order to grow. The glow is picked up on the drone’s camera, which then relays the image to a police iPad.
“Growing cannabis has gone mainstream and the people growing it are not gangsters. They are fair game. If you break the law, then you enter our new game of drones .”
The police didn’t really say that, I made it up but none the less if you see one of these (click below) outside your bedroom window, then prepare yourself for a jail cell cuddle with Bubba the Scrubber.
Well damn, the Sun are saying that Peaches Geldof, who was found dead at her home in Kent last week, had been talking to the producers of Australia’s Next Top Model about becoming a judge on the next series.
This tale has a tragic twist because had Peaches got the job then she would have been replacing former model Charlotte Dawson who was found dead in her Sydney home last February.
In an interview [published last weekend] Peaches hinted that she had plans to relocate to Australia with husband and their two children.
“I can’t say what it is yet, but I’ll be there for three months. My children will come with me because, obviously, I wouldn’t leave them for that long.”
Foxtel’s director of television, Brian Walsh has now confirmed that discussions did in fact take place but he also said that Peaches hadn’t got the job:
“Peaches was just one of several candidates being considered for the job. The idea was not progressed beyond an initial stage.”
The police and the coroner are still trying to piece together all the events that led to the death of poor Peaches. Until their findings are made public I guess the unsettling breeze of an unsolved mystery will keep on blowing.
Our little Posh Spice is all grown up and middle aged! It was only 40 years ago that our very own “Fashion Designer of the Year” came into this world and brought some glamour into our dreary lives! Who knew that the little girl from Essex would become an international superstar and grow up to make millions? Please grill a small mushroom, spread […]
The groovers and movers over at Conservative party HQ must be cackling like bloated walruses today because the memories that reside in Nick Clegg’s head have become the subject of nationwide ridicule. Most of us have heard of Cyril Smith, the 29 stone former Liberal Democrat MP for Rochdale who died in 2010. After his death, […]
Oh Daily Express, keep being you, keep being you. I’m actually surprised that HMQ hasn’t called MI5 and told them to take care of your ass. I really don’t know what that headline is doing with that picture of Princess Kate and baby George but I think I know what might have happened here. Last […]
The musical mini miracle we know as Miley Cyrus was rushed to hospital in Kansas City yesterday after suffering a severe allergic reaction to her antibiotics. Miley’s twerking show in Kansas City had to be canceled and that meant thousands of twerching twerkers got the sads, because they didn’t get to watch Miley twerdle a giant […]
Oscar Pistorius is still free to shoot up intruders tonight despite South Africa’s state prosecutor, Gerrie Nel finishing his cross examination of the para-olympian. The court has listened to seven gruelling days of Oscar constantly breaking down and sobbing as he recounted his version of how Miss Reeva Steenkamp met her death behind a locked toilet door on February […]
Coleen Rooney and her husband Wayne both have exactly the same scar in exactly the same place and that can only mean one thing: they were both kidnapped by aliens, microchipped and then programmed to meet each other. Obviously. Coleen tells The Mirror that when she was in junior school aliens beamed her up into their spaceship and […]
Whenever a woman buys herself an insanely big pair of boobs, everybody mocks her. Everybody that is except her surgeon, her mum and me. Her surgeon got paid, her mum made a vow and I know that no sweeter love exists than between a man and a woman with huge pair of bazookas. So that’s why most […]
Katie Hopkins must have sent UKIP into a full-body tingle this weekend after she mentioned their name in a tweet which blasted Britain’s Got Talent for featuring too many foreigners. Under BGT rules, anyone who has the right to live and work in the UK can apply to appear on the show. Among those taking part in Saturday […]