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Harrison Ford Crash Landed.


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By now you’ll all have heard about Harrison Ford and how he cheated death yesterday after the vintage plane he was flying fell out of the sky and crash landed on a golf course.

Nobody on the ground was hurt, or if they were they weren’t famous so it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Harrison Ford is still alive and unhurt.

I first heard the news on TalkSport radio this morning. I woke up to hear someone making a joke about golf courses and crashing planes. They were saying that if you were going to crash your plane then you should crash it on a golf course because that’s where all the NHS doctors are.

So if you’re a lazy doctor playing golf on NHS time, then fuck you. I’m crashing my World War II plane in your face.

As you know, my job is to sit here, drink tea and ‘funnytate’ on the lives of those that live in the glittery world of show business. Plane crashes just don’t do it. I mean, WTF is funny about Harrison Ford crashing his plane? Nothing.

And yet this plane crash is different. We have Harrison Ford and we have Star Wars. So yes, lets try and be funny by filling the rest of our 300 word quota with Star Wars.

There’s no geek like a Star Wars geek. I think it might be their sheer size in numbers that puts them on top of the internet’s smelly heap of whinging trolls.

If you’re a Star Wars geek then your entire nervous system seems to depend on how you interpret the Star Wars universe. It’s like some kind of biblical orthodoxy.

So what will they make of this. They’ll wring every possible percent out of this plane crash. They’ll say that the head Jedi has secretly announced that Han Solo has crashed and burned. Then they’ll start a ponder wander around the globe as to why Chewy didn’t engage hyperspace and save the day.

I mean, what do these fictitious characters actually do when they’re not overthrowing Empires anyway? The Star Wars geeks will have you believe that in a world where everyday problems are so well-defined these characters just aren’t normal. They are different in every way.

I guess that’s the interesting part about a Jedi’s life. The everyday stuff. However, the Star Wars movies never really explain what would happen if Luke Skywalker forgot his wedding anniversary, or if Han Solo and Chewbacca opened a Vietnamese restaurant.

That kind of wrecks the whole Star Wars franchise for me because I really want to know.

There. Quota filled.

Kim Kardashian New Hair Colour.


Kim Kardashian' new hair colour-News-Media-Images

Kim Kardashian new hair colour. If you can get your smutty mind past the fact that her Serbian bodyguard looks like he’s rogering her from behind and concentrate on the issue at hand then we can move on…

Kim is seen here on her way to the Balmain show at Paris Fashion Week earlier today. And what could be more edgy and outrageous than an American woman in Paris with big tits and dyed blond hair. Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing long haired German guinea pigs to make wigs out of.

That is a wig right? Oh I know, it’s real but it does look like a wig …. one that’s been stuck together with clumps of blonde hair found in a beauty salon’s drain.

Kim needs to stop with this blonde already! Go back to black. This blonde game is too way too Klum, Shiffer and Kruger. And besides the hair on Angela Merkel’s backside looks more appealing.

Of course John Galliano did this. Who else? He knows the blonder Kim goes, the more German she’ll look.

One thing this Kim Kardashian new hair colour has taught us is that the blonder her hair the more evil she looks. This is hair is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer across the charred remains of innocent souls.

That said this hair also looks fresh and natural but only when Kim stands next to the pout of frayed hope that is Kayne West’s sulky little face.

But that doesn’t matter. It also doesn’t matter that Kim has bleached her hair until it’s turned to the color of a yeast infection. (I’ve been Googling again).

You know, once again I’m over analyzing a non-issue. It’s simple, I should STFU, Kim just wants to make a fashion statement without saying a word.

One last question. Did she also bleach her pubes?

Michael Jackson: From ArtPopper.


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Michael Jackson (1958 – 2009) An American. A singer, a songwriter, a record producer, a dancer, and an actor. He was called the King of Pop. His music and dancing made him a global star adored by millions across the world.

His much publicised personal life didn’t.

Here’s some fun facts about one of the most controversial figures in modern history.

For many years Michael Jackson employed various full-time plastic surgeons. Over 25 years Michael’s ever changing face became the subject of much discussion. And humour.

Some said he looked like a crackhead leprechaun on all the wrong stuff. Others that he was the bride of Jocelyn Wildenstein. Many pointed out that they’d seen Venetian masks look more human. Watching Michael’s ever changing appearance was like witnessing a Shakespearian tragedy play out in slow motion.

Eventually Michael’s surgeons managed to pull his face to infinity and beyond. It was only a matter of time before people wondered if Michael Jackson could even open his mouth. One day the world noticed that Michael Jackson had no nose. Literally, just a hole in his face. There were so many questions.

Perhaps the greatest controversies to engulf Michael Jackson’s life were in his personal relationships and behaviour. In the mid-1990s, he was accused of child sex abuse, but the civil case that ensued was settled out of court. No formal charges were ever brought.

In 2005, Michael was tried in court on more child sexual abuse allegations. He was ultimately acquitted after the jury found him not guilty on all counts.

I think the less said about this aspect of Michael’s life the better.

So, moving on….

Michael Jackson was also a drug addict. It was well known as far back as 1993 that Jackson was ordering his private doctors to issue prescriptions in other people’s names in order to acquire pain killers for him. The use of these pain killers ultimately led to his untimely death.

In June 2009 while preparing for his comeback concert tour, ‘This Is It’ Michael Jackson died from acute propofol and benzodiazepine intoxication after suffering a heart attack.

Later that year, the Los Angeles County Coroner ruled that Michael Jackson’s death was a homicide. At trial his personal physician, Conrad Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter. He was sent to jail.

Michael Jackson was laid to rest in a crypt inside the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California.

Even in death Michael was surrounded by controversy. Some said that he was buried in concrete, others that he buried without his brain. Another rumour was that his body was never even in California and that he’d been secretly buried with Princess Diana.

After his death The Michael Jackson Estate signed the biggest recording contract in history, a 200 million dollar deal with Sony. Keep this in mind the next time the music industry tells you they’re going bankrupt because of illegal file sharing.

And so to that picture above. It’s a print of a silk screen created by Armenian artist Liza Vescia.

Max Cisotti photographed Liza’s silk screen print so now it’s available to buy at the ArtPopper online gallery.

You can buy it printed on a cushion, as a framed print, on a canvas board, a sheet of metal or even as your mobile phone cover. (Sorry but you can’t buy it on one of Michael Jackson’s famous hats.)

Head over to ArtPopper.com where you’ll find Michael Jackson in the Celebrity gallery.

David Walliams And Lara Stone Split.


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DAVID WALLIAMS: If you’ve been holding out for a single 31-year-old super model with one child, one dog and a terrible attitude then The Sun have good news for you this morning. David Walliams and his wife Lara Stone have split.

According to the nation’s favourite tabloid David Walliams was left devastated last night after watching his wife, Lara Stone walk out of their London townhouse. The tabloid say that she took their baby son Alfred and their little dog Bert with her.

Nobody knows why Lara left or where she went but I heard that she’s gone to live under a bridge (I didn’t hear that). Apparently the couple have agreed to a trial separation.

I guess Lara just couldn’t take it anymore. I mean, living with David must be like living with a pantomime horse and a sneaky little snake. And if you nodded your head and thought, “yes, I agree” well then I hate you. Poor David.

It’ll be weird to see David out on dates after this. Actually it’s hard to imagine him doing anything normal. He’s so much larger than life. He’s like the Mona Lisa and Nelson’s Column had a son.

I don’t know, Lara is a super model. Most super models sit at home all day and practice being annoying in the mirror. This is why very few of them can do better in life than to find a man like David Walliams.

Poor David. I sat in a cab with him once. It was parked outside his house. He refused to get out because the paps were waiting for him. We sat there for half an hour. The paps eventually got bored and left. Then we had tea.

So that’s that. I’m sure that before I hit publish on this mess, Lara will have scheduled a hand-holding photo-opportunity with her new boyfriend and I really hope that her new squeeze is Justin Bieber. He’s perfect for her.

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