The Roon’s are getting one baby closer to outnumbering us non-Roons and it’s only a question of time before they take over the world, enslave us all then force us to take their laundry to to the launderette.
In the early hours of this morning Coleen Roon popped out baby number two followed by Wayne Roon tweeting these immortal words that will haunt his son until the child learns how to complete a name-changing form on his own.
Because the Roon’s have a dream, hijacking the eleventh letter from the alphabet, they’re sticking with the letter K theme and have decided to call their new baby son Klay.
Kai and now Klay, what’s next one going to be called? A K47? Ketamine? How about an emoticon like k:-( for a child born with an axe in it’s head.
Seriously, if you’re thinking of naming your baby with a K, then I’d type that name into Google first. If it automatically re-directs you to whatthefuckiswrongwithyourstupidass.com then you’ll know, the Roons have got there first.
Yes, misery loves company. For Tulisa Contostavlos it’s what happens when your X Factor P45 party gets together with someone that says your love life has just passed away. More unhappiness.
We have two choices here:
1. Grab a soggy weetabix then slide down the kitchen wall before melting into a heartbroken pool of tears on the floor because The Sun’s Emma Foster just said this:
“Tulisa’s fiery relationship with her footballer lover Danny Simpson was on the rocks last night following a string of bust-ups.”
or
2. Flush that rumours down the toilet, (along with Emma’s hotness) because they’re obviously still together and completely happy as Tulisa’s agent just said this:
“There’s no truth in that rumour, Tulisa and Danny are still very happy together”
And why do we have to hear this from her agent?! Tulisa and Danny are always knocking on each others doors, sitting on their sofa together and telling us to how to cuddle up to our favourite sofa pillows. So let’s just cancel this rumour altogether since it’s obviously a LIE!
After all, who wants to be a miserable, lonely little girl filling her empty heart with tears?
Last Friday prayer circles were formed in dozens of men’s toilets when the news leaked out that George Michael had been hospitalised after a car accident on the M1. Today there’s more news on that story and once again it comes from The Sun.
Yes, The Sun have found an eye witness to what happened on that near fateful Friday afternoon.
According to Katherine Fox, who was right behind George’s car when the accident happened, it was looking pretty bleak there on the M1 for a while because she’s saying that George actually fell out of his damn car while it was travelling at over 70mph!
Here’s what Katherine told The Sun:
“There was a nasty cut on his forehead and the back of his head. There was blood all down his face and on his teeth. He was breathing and conscious but in shock. I thought someone had run across the road and been hit.”
“I asked what had gone on and was told he tried to open the car door and shut it again because it wasn’t shut properly and apparently fell out at 70mph.”
“I was on the phone to the ambulance and said, ‘You’d better come quick. This doesn’t look good’.”
“George was wearing a black and gold Adidas tracksuit that was ripped all down the arm and shoulder. He had no trainers on.”
“I grabbed one from the second lane because cars were swerving to avoid it.”
“His sunglasses were also in the road. I could hear the crunch as cars drove over them.”
George Michael’s trainers SAVED! Is that our story? George’s shades were busted while driving under the influence of the good herb? Is that our story?
No. Our story is that George Michael’s day was totally filled with misery last Friday after his head was bounced down a motorway at over 70 mph AND yet his spirit refused to leave his body. AND secondly our story is that at the time his lying spokie told us this!
“George Michael was a passenger in a vehicle involved in a traffic accident yesterday evening; no third party was involved. He is being treated for superficial cuts and bruises but is fine. We have no further comment at this time.”
I’m sick of these dumb skank spokespersons charging hundreds of pounds for something that I can do in a quick minute. (Lie like a Thai watch) Spokies like that deserve to get booed wherever they go.
Some people are looking at that picture and saying it’s the opposite of sexy. I get that. Katie is currently playing a manic depressive in love in a Spike Lee-produced movie called Mania Days and it’s a damn miracle they get any filming done at all, because if the boys see her bare lady knee, they’ll hump a bastard child into it. I get that too.
Bare lady knees are the true dark-sided enemy of God, obviously.
It’s way too early in the morning to type the V-word so let me hand you over to the guys at the Thirty Mile Zone, who’ll explain what we’re talking about here.
And so the mutiny begins. For some of you, the news that Justin Bieber got booed at the Billboard Awards last night will keep you smiling for the rest of the day. For the rest of you, here’s a lesson in booing.
Booing is a way of passing wind over somebody without leaving a smell, which makes it a priceless tool. There are so many things you can use a boo on. You can boo at your dick after it leaves a dribble and makes your pants all wet. You can boo at your dog when he shits on an abandoned dog poo, making you pick them both up. BOTH!
And you know what else you can boo at? Yes, that’s right you can throw your boo at a precocious little dick-shit like Justin Bieber.
When I watched this clip below at first I booed, then I laughed, then I was sick and I can’t remember what happened after that.
So in case you haven’t seen it, here’s the clip of Justin getting booed. Click.
Oh dearie dearie dear. Madonna can feel that face? She can feel it! Can’t you see? She can feel it? No. No she can’t. Sometimes the headline and the picture tell the audience everything they need to know about a story. Actually, I have no idea what Madge’s face is made of nowadays, but I wouldn’t put [...]
David Beckham isn’t crying because he just got arrested for acting the fool outside a gay bordello in Soho nor did he care about effin’ up his make-up by bursting into tears at the end of the final match of his illustrious career. Yes, David played his last professional game of football last night at the [...]
OK! Say Hello to the new MRS COCKINGS! Yes, that’s right Melanie Sykes has finally become Melanie Cockings. In a ceremony held at Sherborne Castle in Dorset yesterday Melanie married the roof-tiler that she met on Twitter last year. Jack Cockings. Twitter should be held account for this by allowing an innocent piece of photo-call foolery to [...]
Today’s BIG-NEWS is the great Eva Longoria vagine expose! Yes, The Mail are telling everyone how Eva allowed her lady parts to flap in the wind as she arrived for the screening of Jimmy P. Psychotheraphy Of A Plains Indian at the Cannes film festival last night. Eva’s ‘vadgetable’ was exposed to the world as she adjusted her hem [...]
What in praying mantis hell is this from Cow-Posh Beckham!? That tentacle arm is like the octopus alien from Men In Black! I really didn’t think you could get arms like these from playing with Barbies all day. But seriously, she looks like a giraffe. I want to drive up next to her in a Jeep and feed her leaves. So [...]
Here’s some siren breaking news. George Michael has been injured in an accident on the M1 motorway. This news is developing but according to the Sun web-site a few moments ago George suffered cuts and bruises in the incident which happened near the junction for the M25 near Watford yesterday afternoon. An air ambulance was called to [...]
This messy Celebrity Juice show is awkward comedy at its finest. Keith Lemon’s idea of funny is about as amusing as my little spaniel dog’s swollen anal gland (I’m taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don’t worry) Kelly Brook is leaving this childish disaster of a show next week before her growing reputation as diva-plated asshole makes her [...]
If you walked past the Palais des Festivals et des Congrès in Cannes last night and wondered why hundreds of Harry Potter fans were licking the ground it was because Emma Watson had melted their nipples off after drops of her DNA were spotted all over the red carpet. Emma also appeared on the cover of [...]
The Roon’s are getting one baby closer to outnumbering us non-Roons and it’s only a question of time before they take over the world, enslave us all then force us to take their laundry to to the launderette.
