This article is brought to you courtesy of Virgin Media. On Friday afternoon Virgin Media’s network became slower than Josie Cunningham’s brain waves. So slow in fact that NMI was forced to cease publishing. We made enquiries of Virgin’s customer services and whilst they accepted that it was 100% their fault they refused to do anything about it. NMi would be ‘sans net’ until Tuesday.
Well, you can always count on us to make the smart decisions. We decided to take @Virginmedia to the Court of Outraged Twittering. We asked the court to decide if Virgin had taken all reasonable steps to repair their network and further, had they shown a willingness to expedite those steps promptly and efficiently.
The tweets rained down upon Richard Branson’s finest but despite their best efforts to defend the indefensible you, the jury found their corporate asses guilty of incompetence, complacent arrogance and of showing a couldn’t-care-less attitude towards a fee paying customer.
It wasn’t long before Virgin had no choice but to hang their heads in shame and set about repairing their failed network. And to their eternal credit that’s what they did. Virgin’s network was restored within a few hours.
What have we learned from this? Well, anybody who imagines Virgin Media is an office full of jolly chaps drinking tea and making jokes have no idea what the true nature of a corporate multi-billion pound business is. It’s a serious enterprise filled with serious people and a large legal team enforcing their many corporate policies.
Nowadays when we investigate corporate arrogance, it’s not Peter Falk hobbling around in a Columbo coat asking a couple of sad assed questions before taking an afternoon nap. No it’s us, the people. TWITTER!
So corporate Britain do please note. ‘The tweet is mightier than the board.’
So. Lets get to it. After all there’s no business like show business is there. You’ll remember back in 2013 the police arrested I’m a celebrity star Melanie Sykes after her husband, Jack Cockings accused her of slapping him. Oh how we joked about the cops coming to the Cocking residence in order to break up a nasty fight between wife and toy-boy. Yeah, that was funny. Well there’s more thigh slapping funny on that marriage today.
Roof tiler, Cockings has spoken to the Sun-on-Sunday and he’s told them how in his six month marriage Melanie peppered his face in slaps. In an article published today Jack claims that his former wife slapped him while on honeymoon, slapped him while at his parents house on Christmas day and slapped him at their home in Hampstead.
In fact if you believe Jack’s account of the marriage Mel just never got bored with slapping him.
Every adult has the god-given right to do stupid shit. You can run between lorries on a motorway or bareback prostitutes with herpes if you like, but you don’t have the right to slap a stupid person. Even if they have the most slappable face in the country and have it coming to them.
I know, you think that’s a generalisation but when you look around at the guys like Jack Cockings, you’ll see that I’m right.