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General Election – Now Hiring.


General Election,News-media-imges,By now everyone must know that the 8th June is the day that Britain holds a General Election. If you believe Teresa May then this is also the day that everyone wakes up to find themselves less fat, less unhappy and recycling has become sexy again.

General Election. Who to vote for?

I’m not sure who would ruin our country better? The Workers Socialist Party, Labour or the Conservatives. Personally I’m in favour of the United Voices of Samba Socialists. Not heard of them? Well head over to the Brazilian consulate where you’ll see models showing off their legs.

What is an election manifesto?

An election manifesto is a document which is published by a political party. It launches a series of political pledges on a range of different issues. These papers are then critiqued by anyone with an axe to grind. After the election these manifestos are torn up and largely ignored. 

This General election poses a number of questions for me and I’m not seeing them answered in any party political manifesto.

For example. Will ten thousand pounds pay my rent next month? Why is there no exchange rate for the Greek drachma? What does Jeden Biały Coffe proszę” mean?

What about the pollsters? They can read the prevailing winds like Victoria Beckham can read an OBE.

Seriously, they can. If the pollsters come out for Jeremy Corbin then it’ll be less about his political philosophy and more about a life-line for a scandal-plagued old fool that nobody likes.

What about the TV news stations? They’ll spend the next six weeks grabbing their viewers by the ankles and dragging them back to the chunky hellscape that was the 2015 general election. Although, compared to what’s happening now, I look back at those innocent, sweet days with a degree of fondness.

The voters.

Most over the age of 50 will bitch and posture. Then they’ll vote UKIP. If anyone younger than 30 actually bothers to vote, then the Green Party will be neck and neck with Plaid Cymru, after agreeing that cannabis should replace war and 90% is an appropriate tax rate.

The Politicians:

I have but one word for politicians. Narcissistic Bags of Delusion. I know, like politicians everywhere, I lied. That was three words.

 

Kim Jong-un: A Close Shave For North Korea.


Kim Jong-un, hairstyle.hairstyle,

It continually baffles me that Kim Jong-un still describes North Korea as a country. To me it’s a dysfunctional work camp full of emaciated peasants all sporting ‘happy crappy’ haircuts.

It’s true as it is ridiculous. Ever since 2015 North Korean men have been made to wear their hair in the same style as Supreme leader Kim Jong-un. Known as the “ambitious” style North Korean men are forced to keep their hair less than 2cm in length and cut in a sweptback bouffant with shaved sides.

Unfortunately some North Koreans are less than thrilled about the look. A former Pyongyang resident (now living in China), told the Korea Times that the Kim Jong-un haircut is highly unpopular because it apparently resembles the ‘Chinese smuggler’ style.

The Kim Jong-un look may be unpopular but maybe it’s one way to keep Donald Trump off the front page. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if the Supreme Leader had a sense of style but no, you can’t part the skin of a sausage.

I’m not sure what this all means in the greater scope of world affairs but when you put on a state sponsored uniform there are certain inhibitions that you have to accept. Apparentley western hairstyles are not the subtle pantomime that armchair activists are looking for in North Korea.

Ah, to be young and free in North Korea in the spring time. At least the people don’t spend valuable smile time complaining about their plastic surgery while leafing through a Helena Bonham-Carter catalogue of designer gowns.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words—well words might just spark a nuclear war.


Shia LaBeouf,Art Project,He-will-not-divide-us, trump-protest,art

On a white wall watched over by the occasional lesbian and a live stream camera the Shia LaBeouf living art project titled “He Will Not Divide Us” has been shut down for the forth time. Shia LaBeouf’s anti-Trump ‘art daub’ was originally painted on a wall outside New York’s Museum of the Moving Image on the day of Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The idea, which involves the live video streaming of Shia LaBeouf (and others) chanting “He Will Not Divide Us” into a camera lens was first intended to run for the duration of Donald Trump’s presidency.

However, the museum involved quickly closed this Shia Labeouf buffoonery down after declaring that violence (caused after LaBeouf hired a gaggle of out of work actors pretending to be neo-Nazis thugs) had resulted in gunshots being heard near the installation.

I so agree with you, this all sounds very alt-right and yes, Shia LaBeouf certainly understands the value of drama.

Anyways, Shia’s “He Will Not Divide Us” attempt at modern art was then moved to the wall of a cinema in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  Once again Shia’s “alt-right” agitators caused more violent shenanigans. Consequently it was removed.

From there the camera was moved to an undisclosed location, only this time the words “He Will Not Divide Us” were scrawled across a white flag. Now, depending on who you believe, (and if it’s Shia LaBeouf, then you’ve got some major issues) this not so secret location was sussed out by 4Cahan who then sent out a few more ultra-right cyclops, this time to deface the flag.

As a last resort, the installation was then moved to  a silly little museum in Liverpool,

LaBeouf said:

“…events have shown that America is simply not safe enough for this artwork to exist”

Oh come on! Liverpool is safe enough alright – if you’re wearing a stab proof vest that is.

And yes that’s right everyone some more politicos then got involved, this time posting pictures of themselves standing on top of Liverpool’s Liver building. They promised to keep ruining LaBeouf’s “He Will Not Divide Us” installation until us bored and unemployed Brits fell asleep just like our American cousins had done before us.

Well what will happen next? Will the western world ever see those anti-Trump protesters again? Will it ultimately be discovered that LaBeouf himself is behind all of these social disruptions? Will we all be tickled pink to discover that Twitter’s infamous troll brigade have fallen for his obvious trickery?

Seriously folks, you don’t want to be caught on the wrong side of a Shia LaBeouf con trick. Lets face it that would be akin to being the slowest sheep in the herd.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson Has Died.


Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, died, rest-in-peace,Prince Charle’s goddaughter and the most splendid of British socialites,Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was found dead at her home in south west London earlier today. She had been battling with a brain tumour. Sadness personified  – the brain tumour won.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was just 45 years young.

Officially obituaries only come out after ten million unofficial versions are published first on social media. However in the print media celebrity RIPs are still a work in progress because there exists a protocol from which few dare to deviate.

The protocol goes something like this.

After mentioning the loss of a wonderful talent it’s normally followed by an obligatory tribute statement from friends and family. Because there’s never been a desire to mention how said celebrity suffered harsh criticism from those writing the obituary the mistakes that said celeb made in their life are quite rightly forgotten.

During her colourful life Tara frequently made the pages of newspapers and celebrity magazines. In 2002 she appeared on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! She also appeared on a celebrity special of Blind Date and A Place in the Sun.

She also contributed to several publications, writing for the Sunday Times, the Spectator and Tatler. In 2010 she released her first novel, The Inheritance.

She spoke candidly about her well-documented battle with drugs. She told a newspaper in 2016: “I haven’t done drugs for 10 years” and said she was now “a bit obsessed with healthy eating”.

Tara was also an accomplished pianist and spent many a party making her drunken friends dance barefoot to the sound of Beethoven.

Tara was one of my favorite “red carpeteers” who always brought fun, glamour and sparkle. However in recent years Tara struggled with depression and anxiety. These she said had turned her from “a party girl into a recluse”.

I understand that, really I do.

Rest in Peace, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Thank you for everything, especially this piece of musical perfection.

                                                                                                   

Beyonce Sued Over Lemonade.


Beyonce and her seminal album/film Lemonade are under fire from filmmaker Matthew Fulks, who is suing her for copying his short film Palinoia.

Folks is claiming that Beyonce and her team were well aware of his 2014 film and was even contacted by Columbia Records (with whom Bey works) to work with one of their other artists, MS MR last summer. Months later, Lemonade began filming, apparently referencing elements of Fulks’ work.

Fulks claims multiple elements of his movie were copied by the singer including “graffiti and persons with heads down”, “black and white eyes”, “side-lit ominous figures”, “parking garage” and “the grass scene”.

The complaint even features side-by-side examples of the alleged plagiarism. And, whilst the tone of each film does appear different, Fulks’ illustrated examples do show similarities between the movies.

Beyonce and her team are yet to comment.

What do you think?

Prince Harry And Miss Markle.


Royal Family, Prince Harry, Mergan Markle,

The Sun have just published dramatic pictures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle leaving the Gielgud Theatre. The blurry photographs were supplied by a member of the citizen paparazzi.

Royals watchers across the world will be beside themselves as this was the first time the pair had been photographed together in public.

However the Royal Family will be furious by this invasion of Royal privacy and will probably instruct the Court of St James to file a lawsuit,

“Legal proceedings are underway after a breach of privacy occurred in London.”

I guess the legal enforcement of royal privacy is inevitable. Lets face it those infamous pictures of Prince Harry naked while partying in Las Vegas, quickly followed by a topless Kate Middleton in France drew a red line in Royal sand. 

However it goes without saying that being born Prince Harry was as sweet a roll of the dice as any child could get. All his life he’s been given chauffeurs, body guards, mountains of money and yes, girls galore.

Just for being born Prince Harry.

On the other hand some of those pesky commoners on social media might say that Prince Harry is actually living on state benefits. Is that a fair point or just snarky jealousy?

Lets consider their case. Our glorious ginger prince doesn’t have a proper job so the state pays his rent and the British tax-payer coughs up his living expenses.

So why doesn’t Prince Harry go out and find a proper job? (Er no, the DWP says that cutting ribbons is not a proper job). It might prove a good move for Prince Harry, after all getting a proper job makes a man virile and proud. (As opposed to being prematurely bald and constipated.)

Would a Royal working work? Unfortunately for those haters out there no, it wouldn’t. The Royal family do work, albeit royally and that really matters to the British economy.

Why?

Because every year thousands of foreign tourists spend millions of pounds coming to England and staring at all things royal. By putting our Royals into proper jobs would only result in those tourism pounds disappearing from the economy.

Then where would we be?