by Mike D. Wheeler on May 26, 2012
Here’s something I never thought would grace my inbox, but it has. Police have confirmed they are investigating a possible sexual assault that occurred somewhere in London this week.
This wouldn’t normally be a news item for these pages however when Eastenders and 16 year old actor Josshua Pascoe, who plays troubled Ben Mitchell in the soap, are added to this seemingly innocuous piece of ’newscandy’ then it becomes a true scandal in the making.
Police have issued this statement.
“A 16-year-old boy was arrested on May 24 in connection with an allegation of sexual assault.
“He was taken to Islington Police Station and has since been bailed to return to a North London police station in July pending further inquiries.”
Being arrested for sexual assault isn’t funny so in the absence of any further details there’s nothing more to say, other than The BBC must be grateful for another story line in the making.
(I know I don’t think we’re supposed to name a 16 year-old in a sexual assault case, you can blame – The Daily Mirror – for that.)
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by Mike D. Wheeler on May 25, 2012
I don’t know who told Alex Reid that when you give the media an oily rubdown you’re the one who gets the happy ending. Alex has been tweeting every damn minute this week trying to deny that he’s a fruitcake and all the charges Fleet Street has laid before him are entirely false.
The charges.
1) Chantelle has dumped him, DENIED says it was malicious reporting by the mailonline. 2) Chantelle has moved out, DENIED says it was scurrilous paps cropping pictures. 3) He did something terrible, DENIED says Roxanne did it.
Because Twitter is limited to 140 characters Alex has taken the war of words to his personal web-site and issued a statement clarifying the situation, as he sees it.
I’m happy to reproduce it here because Alex says it’s OFFICIAL ! (dumb dun duh)
Enjoy…
It has been reported that Chantelle left the family home last week because of an argument because of further ridiculous reasons revealed to the press by “a reliable source” over the past 2 days. The Official Statement in response to these reasons and revelations is:
Whoever created this story must be high on something themselves, and their PR for risking their professional reputation to release such nonsense. Alex and his management are utterly bemused by the shocking bad lies being rumoured about his private life and surprisingly can confirm they are untrue. “A reliable source” has apparently approached every newspaper and magazine with the “shockingly funny” story. Alex says”We have never laughed so much, we were in fits of laughter, it’s such a funny funny story, hilarious in fact! Hahahaha! We were rolling around the floor laughing hahaha! We would like to invite the “Reliable Source” to have drinks with us so he or she can tell us more of their funny funny hilarious stories, we will pay them to do a PA for us, brilliant stuff, next!!!!”
(Words spelling and pronunciation via AlexReid.co)
I take this to mean that Alex will not now be spending his days trying to erase the memories of Chantelle by remodeling the home they once shared together. The house won’t burn down, he won’t have to live in a tent in the back garden nor will he have sell his Grade A dick in Soho to make ends meet.
So there you go.
by Mike D. Wheeler on May 25, 2012
You should keep a glass of holy water close by while reading this. If you don’t have holy water, then any brand of vodka will do. Ever since Angelina Jolie’s slit dress was retired from the spotlight and hung in a bag to sip on a mojito cocktail the world has been awaiting its successor.
Well here it is. Jessie J has found slit dress 2.
At amfAR’s gala in Cannes this week, Jessie wore this stunning peek-a-beaver chorus girl dress which I’m pretty sure came straight from Curve Magazine’s ‘ladies who munch’ section. It is worth bestowing the honor of the slit on this dress because it provides easy access for all and it’s made from a fabric normally found on a beach with a tube of expensive sun tan lotion.
Whatever happens we’re going to need a sequel and soon, how about Cheryl Cole wearing one with a Minnie Mouse helmet on her head?
by Mike D. Wheeler on May 25, 2012
To all my fellow countrymen and women. Everyone better visit your foreign country of choice while you still can because as of 9pm on June 5th that hot bag of dumb, Big Brother returns to our screens.
Every season of Big Brother casts the same kind of freaks. There’s always the blonde bimbo, the gay guy who will probably be extremely annoying by the end of the season, the Christian who doesn’t drink and the psycho insane crazy woman who would probably stab you in your sleep. That’s why I have a feeling that every country these dumb dumbs have ever visited will pass a law banning all British tourists from ever crossing their borders.
Anway, if you do decide to spend more than a minute and a half watching channel 5′s flag-ship make a fool of itself then you’ll be interested to know that the shows stable mate, The Daily Star has declared that this season’s BB intends to bust all kinds of restrained faces over at Ofcom.
Apparently producers have added a brothel style bedroom and will be encouraging house mates to remove their clothes, divide their legs and pray they don’t multiply.
I think their idea might be to screen live sex scenes from the bedroom together with the gay guy massaging his wang in the shower and cause the moral crusaders to get so spazzed out they’re eyeballs will start shaking. Ratings are king after all.
TV watchdogs Ofcom are said to be on standby to ensure the show doesn’t go too far.
