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Jennifer Metcalfe: Morning Model

Jennifer Metcalfe, morning model,newsmediaimages.com

It’s easy to imagine that girls from Bradford think that life is a cold pie stuffed with dejection. Except for Jennifer Metcalfe that is, because she’s the hottest thing Bradford has ever produced.

I’ve been to Bradford. Meh, it’s like most places but if you’re the hottest girl in the town, then you owe it to the world to become an actress, a model or an exhibitionist. Or all three.

If you follow the plan then you’ll rewarded with hunky boyfriends and all the powder you can snort in your London based penthouse. You’ll be able to stash the cash and apply some Pilates to those tanned and beautiful curves.

This is what Jennifer Metcalfe has done. It’s proved way more fruitful than working at Lidl.

Sepp Blatter Nearly Arrested.

Seb Blatter fifa corruption newsmediaimages.com

I think FIFA President Sepp Blatter was probably sodomising some exotic dancer when the FBI arrested seven of his officials yesterday and then threw their passports in a carbon neutral incinerator.

Just look at this bad-ass. Forget Dominique Strauss-Kahn, this ugloid looking dwarf has been corrupting thousands of officials by forcing them to snort piles of money laundered bank notes without a filter.

Sepp Blatter isn’t ready to admit he loves corruption yet and is still blaming everyone else for his problems in brazenly delusional rants. His latest line of logic finds the media actively plotting to ruin his life and clearly it’s succeeding.

Blatter calls the international media a global conspiracy ring which throws darts at random FIFA officials and then has them falsely arrested.

In his latest avant garde stunt Sepp Blatter takes a photo of super-grass, Mr Chuck 10% Blazer and begins humping it repeatedly while howling like a dog. This can’t help his case much because it leads you to believe that FIFA officials always do this just prior to having arrest warrants shoved up their bottoms.

The bad news is that neither the cyber-crime laws in Qatar or rivers of blood in Crimea have stopped Blatter’s bank account from swelling to over $20 million.

However Sepp Blatter continues to drift in and out of reality with his belief that large corporate entities such as Barclaycard are the real shameless ones here, true profiteers and exploiters of the world’s football fans.

Well, if the word FIFA implies a level of organizational intelligence, as opposed to, say, a cartel of meth smoking drug barons then that line of thinking is the slippery slope for Sepp Blatter. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up in a place where he’ll carry a personalised poop bucket and lots of roidy looking men will doink him for hours on end.

So, if we’re all ready… let us pray.

Michelle Keegan Honeymoon picture newsmediaimages.com

NMi would like to be the first to publish pictures of Mark Wright and Michelle Keegan having sex in a hot tub while on their honeymoon in Mexico.

However, there don’t seem to be any decent scans online yet and none of these totally uncensored pictures have hit Vivid Entertainment. But they will be available to view very soon. Most likely.

Mark hinted that the saucy pictures do actually exist when he told Hello Magazine that they were no big deal.

‘They’re no big deal but I am really excited about them, they’re for our long term security. We now have our sexy fairytale.’

Yes. Fairytale. Which is what this post is. I don’t know why I even bothered to make it up.

Whatever, welcome to another slow-ass news day. There’s nothing to do because there’s nothing going on…. except that picture above which Mark sent to his Instagram yesterday.

ALSO: I don’t know if Mark and Michelle are spending their honeymoon in Mexico, that was a wild guess.

At some point Michelle Keegan is going to realise that she’s super hot and Mark Wright looks like an ogre, so banging her in Mexico seems the perfect place.

Mexico is the where I’d spend my honeymoon if Michelle were my wife. But I’ve been banned from all Mexican resorts.

I got kicked out because of what they described as “racist dancing”. Hey peons, it takes two to be a racist. If my dancing was too close to home, whose fault is that? Certainly not mine.

And yes, I made that last part up too.

Rita Ora Didn’t Deserve Better Things.

Rita Ora, Better Things,Newsmediaimages.com

Nothing says gobble up my music like A$AP Rocky releasing a track about a lady who touched his privates and then put his crinkly wrinkly in her mouth. A million plays later, Rita Ora’s reputation is in a shit hole.

I don’t know very much about Rita Ora and even less about her ex-boyfriend A$Ap Rocky. I know that Rocky has just released a new album (the Sun told me) called At.Long.Last and that in one of the tracks (Better Things) he raps about Rita Ora allegedly performing an unmentionable act on him.

Perish the thought. Obviously this guy is a first class prick with revenge sex issues as he clearly holds a special place in his black satanic heart for girls with big mouths.

And as for his music, it’s shit. This Better Things tune isn’t going to cure famine in Africa, nor will it turn Rita’s native Greece into a thriving economic juggernaut. No, all it’s intended to do is flush Rita Ora’s ‘pristine reputation’ down the toilet.

So. Better Things. From verse two. [click to continue…]

Keira Knightley Morning Model Gives Birth.

Keira Knightley Morning Model newsmediaimages.com

They say you have to be skinny to model lingerie but I’m not sure what to make of Keira Knightley. She is quite a plain looking girl and with that tiny boyish chest she isn’t exactly my idea of an unthinkably beautiful paradise.

To be perfectly honest with you Keira Knightley could walk past me with a broom handle sticking out of her ass and I still wouldn’t notice her.

I suppose being plain, thin and unnoticeable kind of works for Keira. She’s an incredibly successful actress who’s been nominated for an Academy Award and now she can add “working mum” to her impressive list of accomplishments.

Yes, the Daily Mirror says that Keira just gave birth to her first child. Nobody seems to know if it’s a baby boy or a baby girl. There’s probably a good reason for that.

I don’t know what else to say, maybe I should focus on the the fact that Keira is now a mother, instead of imagining pouring breakfast cereal over her and not apologising.

Please feel free to tweet me with your thoughts on Kiera becoming a mum. No need to put little hearts at the top of your tweet, and remember that your employer or family will disown you if you say anything incredibly stupid.

What’s that? There are millions of women giving birth every day? Carry on, everyone.

Katie Price: Pregnant 2015.

katie price,pregnant,newsmediaimages.com

What a fun girl Katie Price is. I especially admire the way she dresses like a tart in front of her children. I don’t know, what is a good age to be introduced to a smut-bag? Children have to grow up eventually.

Back in 2012 Foxy Bingo named Katie Price as their celebrity mum of the year. Doesn’t that just bring a tear to your eye? It really was beautiful. “Get your tits out and be our Mother of the Millennium.”

Y’know I’ve completely forgotten why I started writing this post. I know it had something to do with Katie Price and children…..

Oh yes, Heat Magazine tweeted something about Katie taking to her Twatter earlier today and posting a picture (above) of herself with something shoved up her jumper. They didn’t know what it was. [click to continue…]