How We Nearly Lost This Precious Angel.

by Mike D.W on April 20, 2014

Kerry Katona,births,daughter,traumatic,baby,reality,show,pre-eclampsia,Kerry Katona’s daughter, Jorgie was born less than a month ago, but people are already asking where the million pound baby pictures are. A source says they might be a while.

Kerry is currently busy working on getting her pre-baby body back. She’s working really hard to drop the chunk because she’s due to show up in OK magazine very soon. Baby Jorgie will make her debut in the same issue – if Kerry’s mum can finish knitting her dress in time.

The source says that “some photos have already been shopped, but nothing’s finished yet.

Damn. Give Kerry some time to settle. The woman went through a very traumatic experience. She needs some time to chill, freshen up, get a body scrub, get some botox, a boob job, etc… She has to get camera ready.

Talking of traumatic experiences, you’ll remember how it was reported last week that Kerry had a terrible time giving birth to baby Jorgie. Well, there’s some news on that today and it’s coming from OK magazine’s stable mate, the Daily Star Sunday.

According to the tabloid when Kerry was checked into the birthing parlour doctors discovered she was suffering from pre-eclampsia. I know, it sounds like an STD virus for computers but this nasty complaint causes high blood pressure in women and can lead to strokes, problems with the liver, kidneys and lungs as well as severe bleeding from the afterbirth. Fatal if undiagnosed is what they say.

Anyway, according to the source, no one realised Kerry had the condition until she went into labour and was taken to hospital.

Let me pass you over to the source:

“The birth didn’t go smoothly at all, she nearly died. Kerry had pre-eclampsia and her legs and feet swelled up.

The condition can be fatal for both mums and babies but thankfully Kerry’s baby was fine. It was Kerry who was in danger. Her mum Sue was really scared that Kerry was going to die. She lost a lot of blood.

George was there throughout.He was terrified but had to stay strong for her – he thought he was ­going to lose her.”

(Via: Daily Star Sunday)

I also hear that Kerry will soon start shooting a warts-and-all reality show. The show will follow her life with her children Molly, Lilly-Sue, Heidi, Maxwell and baby Jorgie.

It’s always bizarre to me when celebrities rent out their children in order to boost her their own careers, but they say that making a reality show can save a couple’s marriage and bring them closer together.

But y’know, that’s probably because when they watch their reality show for the first time, they bond in a mutual hatred of what their puddle of trash lives have just become.


NHS boob job,Josie Cunningham,abortion,baby,pregnant,Big Brother,interview,Pregnant NHS boob-job girl, Josie Cunningham is back in the papers today to remind us that something other than a 12-inch dildo is knocking at the walls of her womb.

However, whilst Josie confirms (in a video interview with the Sunday Mirror) that she’s still knocked up she also says the chance of appearing in TV’s Big Brother is worth way more than her unborn child’s life.

So she’s going to ‘take care of everything’ by having an abortion.

Cunningham says she came to the decision to have an abortion after recent negotiations with Channel 5 to appear in Big Brother broke down.

Cunningham-scanOnce Josie has ‘taken care of it’ she says she’ll no longer be facing the terrifying prospect of her career being terrorised by a crack-smoking baby who’ll eat her chandeliers or strangle a TV producer with it’s pudgy little hands.

I’ll let Josie tell you the rest in her own eloquent words:

“Channel 5 were keen to shortlist me then they found out I was pregnant. Then they suddenly turned cold. That was when I started considering an abortion.

After the operation I will be going back to them and asking if they will still consider me.

An abortion will further my career. This time next year I won’t have a baby. Instead, I’ll be famous, driving a bright pink Range Rover and buying a big house. Nothing will get in my way.

I’ve also had loads of other offers to further my career – and I’m not willing to give them up because I’m pregnant.

(Via: Sunday Mirror.)

Josie explains that even though she doesn’t think her unborn baby was made on a street corner, it probably belongs to a client, either a premiership footballer or a high-flying doctor but she’s not sure. 

Well isn’t this midget trollop just a messed up mess! I don’t know if I should worship at her feet or dip my fingers in a bowl of holy water each time I type her name.

I know one thing though, I’m going to file this sorry assed tale under: ‘You’re not helping the keep abortion legal argument Josie so eat a cup of birth control pills and STFU.’

You can hear Josie’s interview here and for those of you that wish to tweet your views to her direct then go here.

Did Someone Pee In David Cameron’s Face?

by Mike D.W on April 18, 2014

David Cameron,stung,sting,jellyfish,pee,piss,Samantha,When I first read Fleet Street Fox’s imaginary interview with the jellyfish that stung David Cameron I thought what a beauty! I can confidently say that the Mirror’s wine loving woman has written the best piece of pure fiction since Kelvin McKenzie told us about sneezing fish.

However Fleet Street Fox’s ‘interview’ seems to be missing an important transitional scene and a specific insert. The aforegoing adds the part of the story which hitherto remains untold by the Fleet Street Fox.

Essentially what both our tales are about is our esteemed leader, David Cameron who is currently holidaying in Lanzarote with his wife Samantha. Yesterday they visited the popular resort beach of Arrieta. It was so hot that David decided to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he was attacked by jellyfish.

Here’s what happened next.

Covered in sting marks, David barely manages to drag himself to shore. “Ouch Ouch Ouch” he shouts as members of the public immediately surround him. Spurred into action David’s quick thinking wife immediately pushes everyone out of her way, then pops a squat and out comes a golden number-one. All over the Prime Minister’s face.

You had better believe that whenever a woman pees on David Cameron’s face, a camera is always in attendance. So yes, a photographer did get close-ups of Dave’s golden shower. Watch.

Note To Lawyers: Clearly neither myself nor Fleet Street Fox had anything better to do today so we both made shit up. Apart from dodgy Dave getting stung by a jellyfish none of this is true but don’t you all wish that it was.

Candice Swanepoel,naked,pussy,picture,instagram,video,

Does a Victorias Secret’s model need a reason to throw sexy pictures up to her Instagram. No of course not, and Candice Swanepoel is always on hand to blow kisses and wink at a camera in order to convince men to buy bras and perfume from her employer.  

Obviously Candice’s pictures are a veritable armageddon of sexy but watch out for this multi-talented angel, because right now she’s handling the all important duty of posting images of herself wearing little or no clothing very differently. 

Take this picture for example, (above) how long did it take Candice to incorporate such a wild and risky idea into her PR game? Probably as long as Candice has been alive. Maybe longer. Now I hate pussy pictures.

Someone get a puppy and throw it at her.

In the video below you will see more of Candice’s pussy, it’s around the .56 mark. Watch.

Andre Johnson Has Cut His Penis Off.

by Mike D.W on April 18, 2014

Andre Johnson,Christ Bearer,rapper,cuts_penis_off,suicide,attempt,Northstar, Cedars-Sinai hospital ,TMZ are reporting how rapper Andre Johnson, who once worked with the group Wu-Tang Clan, cut his own penis off and then jumped from a second floor balcony in an apparent suicide attempt.

Andre was found screaming on a pavement in West Hollywood at 1:00 am last Wednesday morning. He was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital in a critical condition.

The hospital refused to comment on Andre’s condition but TMZ have said that all attempts to reattach him to his penis have now failed.

Johnson (now known as miss Johnson) also goes by the name of Christ Bearer and is in the rap band Northstar.

Two members (sic) of the band who live in the same apartment building told TMZ that they were in the room when Johnson, without any prior warning, suddenly sliced off his penis, ran to the window and then jumped. They said he was not doing “any hard drugs that would cause him to do such a thing” and think that Andre must have been suffering some kind of a mental issue.

I have a brain full of questions marks over this one. What could possible drive a man to cut his own penis off? AND, if they can’t stitch it back on again, what happens to it? Does it get pickled and put in a jar? Placed on the mantlepiece for all to see?

Maybe they just bury it, you know in a tiny wooden coffin. What do they say, Dust to dust or Woodie to woodie? And on the headstone? Here lies my beloved Dick – Rest in Peace?

Oh I know, the jokes start right here.


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Game Of Drones.

by Mike D.W April 18, 2014

I’m no expert on prisons, so I don’t know what life ‘on the inside’ is really like, but I think we can all agree that prison is a place that nobody wants to go. If television has taught us anything, it’s that life in jail is a non-stop parade of felony-level violence, face tattoos, shower stabbings, […]

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Peaches Geldof Interviewed For Judges Role On Australia’s Next Top Model.

by Mike D.W April 17, 2014

Well damn, the Sun are saying that Peaches Geldof, who was found dead at her home in Kent last week, had been talking to the producers of Australia’s Next Top Model about becoming a judge on the next series. This tale has a tragic twist because had Peaches got the job then she would have been replacing former model Charlotte Dawson who […]

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Happy Birthday – Victoria Beckham – 40 Today.

by Mike D.W April 17, 2014

Our little Posh Spice is all grown up and middle aged! It was only 40 years ago that our very own “Fashion Designer of the Year” came into this world and brought some glamour into our dreary lives! Who knew that the little girl from Essex would become an international superstar and grow up to make millions? Please grill a small mushroom, spread […]

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Nick Clegg Knew Nothing Of Cyril Smith’s Pedophile Lifestyle?

by Mike D.W April 16, 2014

The groovers and movers over at Conservative party HQ must be cackling like bloated walruses today because the memories that reside in Nick Clegg’s head have become the subject of nationwide ridicule. Most of us have heard of Cyril Smith, the 29 stone former Liberal Democrat MP for Rochdale who died in 2010. After his death, […]

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Thumbnail image for A Royal Mess – By The Express.

A Royal Mess – By The Express.

by Mike D.W April 16, 2014

Oh Daily Express, keep being you, keep being you. I’m actually surprised that HMQ hasn’t called MI5 and told them to take care of your ass. I really don’t know what that headline is doing with that picture of Princess Kate and baby George but I think I know what might have happened here. Last […]

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Miley Cyrus Hospitalised After Suffering From Something.

by Mike D.W April 16, 2014

The musical mini miracle we know as Miley Cyrus was rushed to hospital in Kansas City yesterday after suffering a severe allergic reaction to her antibiotics. Miley’s twerking show in Kansas City had to be canceled and that meant thousands of twerching twerkers got the sads, because they didn’t get to watch Miley twerdle a giant […]

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Should Oscar Be Nominated For An Oscar?

by Mike D.W April 15, 2014

Oscar Pistorius is still free to shoot up intruders tonight despite South Africa’s state prosecutor, Gerrie Nel finishing his cross examination of the para-olympian. The court has listened to seven gruelling days of Oscar constantly breaking down and sobbing as he recounted his version of how Miss Reeva Steenkamp met her death behind a locked toilet door on February […]

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Was Coleen Rooney Abducted by Aliens?

by Mike D.W April 15, 2014

Coleen Rooney and her husband Wayne both have exactly the same scar in exactly the same place and that can only mean one thing: they were both kidnapped by aliens, microchipped and then programmed to meet each other. Obviously. Coleen tells The Mirror that when she was in junior school aliens beamed her up into their spaceship and […]

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