Legals: The Jokes Write Themselves.

by Mike D.W on April 24, 2014

Ian Wilson, water pistol,urine,Blackburn,court,common assault,squirting,It’s a sad day for everyone when a middle-aged businessman has to appear in court to answer for his crimes against humanity. Ian Wilson, 56, has admitted squirting a water pistol at two women while they were shopping in Blackburn, Lancashire. The water pistol was full of Mr Wilson’s own urine.

The Mail reports that Blackburn Magistrates’ Court ordered Mr Wilson to pay £50 compensation to each of the women after he pleaded guilty to two charges of common assault.

AND here comes the worst part … the court also ordered Mr Wilson to surrender his water pistol!

Mr Wilson’s lawyer said that when the incident took place his client’s relationship with his wife had all but collapsed and that he was suffering from a mental breakdown.

And yes, the jokes write themselves.

Since we’re all hooting with laughter and taking the piss, let me tell you about what happened to my beloved her indoors (aka HiDs) last year.

After giving a splendid sample of her wee-wee for a routine check-up, HiDs claimed that she’d been the victim of urine theft. She said that she’d given her urine sample to the practice nurse and was horrified when her doctor said that she’d need to give another one because some crazy crazoo patient had stolen her first one.

Here’s what HiDs told me the day she got back from the surgery:

“The doctor said, ‘We asked you for a urine sample, so where is it’? I told him that I’d already given it to the nurse. So the doctor left and went off to find the nurse.

When he came back he said, ‘This is really embarrassing but another patient saw your sample on the nurses table and he stole it. So we are going to need another sample from you.’”

When I first heard this nonsense from my beloved I thought, way to cover your ass HiDs.  She was probably so hopped up on her ladies little helpers (pills) that she thought her urine sample was a delicious lemonade, so she drank it.

Clearly she was too ashamed to tell the doctor that, so she made up this desperate lie.

Lizzy Vaid,naked,pictures,for sale,UKIP,poster girl,NMi,scandal,Allow me to introduce you to Lizzy Vaid, who you may know from the UKIP poster campaign. Last year after writing on her blog that UK leaders “Have failed a generation” she made the front cover of Ukip’s monthly bulletin.

Now she has become famous for an entirely different reason because today the Sun are bringing the news that Lizzy’s naked pictures are up for sale.

The pictures, which were taken when Lizzy was just 20 years-old have apparently been leaked by an ex-boyfriend. The Sun are saying:

“We have seen the sexually explicit shots, which are too graphic to reproduce — or even describe — in a family newspaper.”

(via: the Sun)

What in the name of Page Three is that from The Sun!?! Surely they could’ve said something about these pictures. What’s the matter with them, why didn’t they make something up?

Making shit up really isn’t that difficult. Like this for example:

There are at least three photos of Lizzy … In one photo, she is facing the camera, topless. It’s shot from the waist up and will certainly not disappoint her male fans.

A second photo shows Lizzy slightly turned, but with her back toward the camera. She is wearing a skimpy top around her boobs but that does not obscure her nipples! She’s also wearing thigh high boots.

The third photo is a full frontal and Lizzy is pla.. oh I’ll stop, I can’t make something up for this one. My mind is filled with pure filth!

That said Lizzy has just proved herself to be a veritable genius of Einstein proportion. Here’s why.

Any woman who wants to become famous will tell you that the quickest way to fame and fortune is to leak naked pictures of herself. How? By e-mailing them to me for example.

That’s what Michelle Keegan did and now look at her. She was nobody before we published her naked pictures, now she’s as rich as you like and engaged to George Clooney.

(What do you mean, she’s not engaged to George Clooney? How do you know? What are you, a detective? Are you sure?) 


Imogen Thomas,weight loss,selfie,gym,picture,Twitter,Mike D.W,NMi,Ryan Giggs,It seems like forever since a drunken fool has taken command of NMi’s command centre so tonight Imogen Thomas is going to help us do something about that.

Ever since her affair with Ryan Giggs everything in Imogen’s career has turned into the poo version of the Midas touch so it was only a matter of time before she gave up trying to have a career altogether.

What I’m trying to say is that every model over the age of 30 with no career prospects and more issues than you can shake a condom at has had to ask herself the same question - How do I become a Twitter pin-up girl?

Imogen’s latest picture (via Twitter) brings up so many questions. How did someone her age end up with boobs that look like outdoor holiday inflatables that have collapsed in on themselves?

AND who the hell is that she’s eyeing up in the mirror because I’m way more interested in knowing what he’s fisting than I am in looking at Imogen?

You know it must have taken Imogen forever to prepare herself for this incredibly artistic and poignant shot. She’ll have spent hours selecting the perfect Wet-n-Wild makeup and tugging at her greasy hair until it’s the perfect  Croydon facelift.

Imogen has already updated her résumé to say that she’s a professional model who loves to work despite knowing that anyone with eyes in their head can see that a mirror, an iPhone and a SELFIE does not a professional model make.

And about that two stone weight loss? Yes, well the Mirror posted something about that, go here.

Behind the Mask,Emma Sayle,Luisa Zissman,sex,debauchery,memoirs,published,There is always something poetic about staring into an abyss of dirty slutdom. The Sun newspaper knows what I’m talking about. Today they’re running an interview with Emma Sayle, the controversial founder of the sex party club Killing Kittens.

In the interview The Sun talk to Emma about her newly published memoirsBehind The Mask. Obviously Emma’s memoirs are all about taking Britain’s stately homes and turning them into club night venues awash in sex and debauchery. Apparently only stunning single girls and beautiful rich couples are invited to attend these riotous pleasure parties and all must wear a mask.

Sadly Behind The Mask has no censored photographs showing A-List ladies bumping and grinding each other in strawberry flavoured jacuzzies. No doubt their personal lawyers have all threatened to sue Emma’s ass if pictures like that ever get to see the light of day.

I guess that’s also why Emma hasn’t named any of the politicians, footballers, actors or supermodels all whom her parties have helped reach the pinnacles of their pleasure.

Well all except for Luisa Zissman that is who, in an interview with a tabloid last year, named herself.


In the Sun’s interview with Emma she describes Luisa as “a typical Killing Kittens alpha female.” 

Here’s an extract:

“Luisa has been to quite a few parties. I think she used to come to the big ones we held at Portland Place in London.

“She oozes confidence. She’s quite sexually aggressive and she says exactly what she wants.

“I think Luisa likes the freedom but also the control. Females are in control at my parties — it’s not about what the guy wants at all.”

(Via: The Sun.)

Yes, there you were thinking that Luisa was a virginal nun who wears cotton knickers both over and under her pantyhose. Perfect image shattered.

The Sun also asked Emma if she had been tempted to join in with all the fun. She replies, “No, never. When you’re counting bottles of champagne, you’re not thinking about stripping off.”

Emma is four months pregnant with her first baby and one day she’ll need to look her kid in the eye and explain what you have to do to pay the rent. On that day, it’ll be so much better if she can say simulated sex and not real sex.

Behind the Mask is published today by Harper Collins. You can read the rest of the Sun’s interview with Emma here.

My New Favourite Picture – Courtesy Of Mel B.

by Mike D.W on April 23, 2014

Mel B,Spice girl,scratching,bum,pictured,photographed,funny,No matter what time of day it is, I just know that somewhere in this cruel dark world there’s a Spice Girl huffing hate at a paparazzi while everybody else is dying of second-hand embarrassment.

I don’t know what filter (or lack of one) the photographer used to make Mel B look like her thong has caught around her haemorrhoids but I actually really like the picture.

And yes of course I’ve sprained something by laughing so damn hard at it but this picture really does have everything it needs to win a Pulitzer prize in the Exquisite Composition category.

I know, book me a room at The Bethlam.

Picture: PCN.

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by Mike D.W April 22, 2014

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Property and Mortgages – Part One.

by Admin April 22, 2014

PEOPLE say that one of the causes of the financial crash back in 2008 was the subprime mortgage market in America. Those guys made loans to buyers who were most unlikely to ever meet their repayment obligations. Ever since then the system for granting people mortgages has – quite rightly – been tightened up. Mortgages are now harder […]

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Murder Most Fowl: Four Beautiful Swans Beheaded!

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by Mike D.W April 22, 2014

Because it’s another slow-ass news day lets talk about the interesting part about being a Jedi knight. The everyday stuff. The things the movie never really explains. What would happen if Luke Skywalker ever killed his wife or if Hans Solo and Chewbacca ran from a restaurant without paying the bill. What could possibly go wrong? They’d get their […]

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by Mike D.W April 21, 2014

   “Josie is deluded if she thinks this will improve her chances of signing up, which were slim to non-existent to start with. How can we work with her — or pay her — if she admits having an abortion to achieve that? It would be a minefield.” Channel 5   Tweet

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by Mike D.W April 20, 2014

Kerry Katona’s daughter, Jorgie was born less than a month ago, but people are already asking where the million pound baby pictures are. A source says they might be a while. Kerry is currently busy working on getting her pre-baby body back. She’s working really hard to drop the chunk because she’s due to show up in OK magazine very soon. Baby Jorgie will make her […]

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by Mike D.W April 20, 2014

Pregnant NHS boob-job girl, Josie Cunningham is back in the papers today to remind us that something other than a 12-inch dildo is knocking at the walls of her womb. However, whilst Josie confirms (in a video interview with the Sunday Mirror) that she’s still knocked up she also says the chance of appearing in TV’s Big Brother is worth way more […]

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