Remember back in June when the police arrestedTulisa Contostavlos after a Sunday newspaper had published a tape of her boasting that she could get cocaine for an undercover reporter to stick up his b-hole? Well there’s some news on that and none of it says Happy Christmas Tulisa.
Yes. The Crown Prosecution Service buried Tulisa’s cherished dough-face in a puddle of poo yesterday when they announced that they have now charged her ass with supplying class A drugs.
Prosecutors say that by putting the undercover reporter in contact with her friend, rapper Mike GLC, (aka Michael Coombs who is accused of selling the reporter half an ounce of cocaine at the Dorchester Hotel in London), Tulisa committed a big ol’ crime. Coombs has also been charged with supplying class A drugs. They will both appear in court in London next week.
Prosecutors are saying they have enough evidence to give them a realistic prospect of conviction.
A realistic prospect of conviction? Well, if Tulisa does get a guilty verdict then she’s headed for a place where they hump each other with broomsticks, make best friends with mice, write sexy letters to strangers and make grilled cheese on the radiators.
I absolutely love Christmas time because it’s the only time of year one gets to see sexy and erotic films disguised as aftershave adverts.
Seriously, some of them are so damned hot they’re bordering on pornographic. I’m surprised you don’t need an 08 number to just to watch them.
My favorite one is Givenchy’s Gentlemen Only, I have no idea what it smells like, but if it turns a man into a suave, sophisticated, smooth smoldering gentleman like Simon Baker, then I’ll buy my man a bath tub full of it.
Simon is the epitome of male fitness and elegance, he’s 44 year and comes from Tasmania. For me this man is an example to all men in how to treat a woman. In how we like to be cherished and adored, with long lingering looks and soft sensual kisses on our foreheads. How to make us feel like we’re only the woman in the world.
Sometimes I wonder if these advertisers even know that a million and one women out there are secretly fiddling….. I’ll stop.
Dappy from N-Dubz, best known for being a walking Faces of Meth poster, is to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house in January after getting his ass into a ridiculous amount of debt.
The Sun say that the Inland Revenue’s favourite wet dream owes them a pile of cash which is bigger than the pile of dirty bong bowls piled up in his kitchen sink. Yes, Dappy’s financials are about as broken as his sanity and the only way to pull his ass out from under a mountain of HMRC late payment notices is to file for bankruptcy or check into the Celebrity Big Brother house.
Here’s your source:
“Dappy has been given a stark warning to pay off his tax bill but he needs cash fast. Celebrity Big Brother has come knocking and it’s been tough to say no.”
Whenever Shia LaBeouf gets a fight boner on it usually ends with him visiting an Accident and Emergency room to have some bitch’s foot removed from his ass.
You’ll remember how, back in October Shia was punched in the face and kicked in the nuts after filming some girl being sick in Leicester Square. Well, last night Shia had to have another bitch’s foot removed from his ass after barking at the wrong lady at a restaurant in Covent Garden.
According to the Sun-on-Sunday Shia had to be bundled out of the diner by waiters after he passed several remarks to a woman sitting at the next table which were so rude and vulgar that her boyfriend eventually rose up and went after Shia’s dumb ass.
After the waiters broke the mess up, (aka pulled the man off while Shia pretended that he was being held back) Shia had his broken dick thrown out and was forced to drag his sorry ass all the way back to his hotel in Hertfordshire.
However, what the SOS haven’t reported is how staff at that Hertfordshire hotel have been complaining about a jaw dropping ‘stinkavicious’ smell coming from Shia’s suite. According to a source the stench coming from Shia’s room is the kind of stink-o-stank that you only experience in the men’s room of a cheap Mexican restaurant.
Apparently Shia’s homeless hobo smell is so damn pungent that it’s been bringing tears to the eyes of the hotel’s chambermaids who claim the stench du Shia has a shelve life similar to Plutonium and cannot be disguised with perfumes, flowery sprays or even their strongest industrial strength deodorants.
Don’t you just love it when the jokes write themselves.
Anyway since we’ve gone this far, let’s go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor laughing. Here’s Shia’s street fight in Vancouver:
While everybody is using up their bandwidth on the achievements of Nelson Mandela I’m sitting here wondering why Ed Sheeran has sandblasted his own face. Yes, welcome to this week’s Ugly Faces Of Show Business.
Ed’s face has got to be the ugliest face I have ever seen. Seriously, it looks like it’s been run over by several trucks. And oh that hair! Cut with rusty pinking shears right? Also he’s got a little wonk in his eye which make him look like he’s permanently winking all flirty-like, which is a bad thing.
There are hookers out there who, for the right price will gladly sit on a face. I think that’s exactly what Ed’s face needs right now. Someone to sit on it. (I said sit, no h)
Last night wasn’t the best night of the 21st century for Cosmopolitan magazine to hold their Ultimate Women of the Year Awards. But they did, which means the sun won’t be coming out today, because Rebecca Ferguson’s extra dragalicious dress is blocking it! Rebecca Ferguson should not go out dressed like she was about to judge some drag […]
Warner Bros have announced this week that Gal Gadot will play Wonder Woman in the upcoming Batman V. Superman movie. So that’s why she’s our Morning model today. Gal is 28-year-old Israeli actress/model who won Miss Israel in 2004 and played Gisele in the Fast & Furious movies. Director Zack Snyder had this to say about his all new Wonder Woman: “Wonder Woman is […]
I had just finished typing up a ‘Royals night out’ post when I heard Hue Edwards announce on BBC News24 that Nelson Mandela has died. So I’m guessing that nobody will be at all interested in what Princess Kate was wearing as she attended the UK premiere of Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom at the Odeon […]
When Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t funnelling her smug-ass hatred into bringing down Vanity Fair or teaching online fatties not to be fatties anymore she’s looking for ways to help you waste your money on an overpriced fragrance which is so damn average that Gwyneth wouldn’t even spray it on the mice that live in her maid’s room let […]
Nicole Schwhatshername is basically a stripper who doesn’t strip and whilst I can see how that would have gone down well in the 1930s, today you can download any old random porn and it’ll feature hot women, totally naked, doing unspeakable things to one another. (Or so I’m told.) The problem I have with Nicole […]
The only legal phrase that I understand is ‘billable hours’ so I’m probably not the one to be commentating on a courtroom drama because all that legal procedure just confuses me. Watching Legally Blonde was hard enough. Anyway here goes. As your asses will have heard a jury over at Isleworth Crown Court have been putting […]
Ever since Tom Daley jumped onto the rainbow-coloured highway everyone has been speculating who it might be that is making him feel so good, so safe and so brave. Well I’m sorry to have to burst all your pink thought bubbles here but according to the Daily Fail (via Queerty) Tom’s secret boyfriend is 39-year-old Academy Award-winning […]
Stop me if you’ve heard me say this before… Welcome to another slow-assed Wednesday where nothing is going on. I’ve checked all the gossip pages and all could find (via ONTD) was a naked Lady Gaga picture on the cover of Candy magazine. I’m so mesmerised by Gaga’s bearded glamour that I’ve had to throttle it […]