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Mila Kunis: Mind Your Own Business.

Mila Kunis Ashton Kutcher,married,newsmediaimages.com

Nobody wants to be seen romancing a buffoon and that’s why the news surrounding Mila Kunis’ marriage to Ashton Kutcher is a little sketchy to say the least. After reading about their ‘secret marriage’ in People magazine the busy MailOnline say that they tried to contact the new Mrs Kutcher for further information.

Unfortunately for everyone the MailOnline were told to ‘go away in short jerky movements.’ Or something like that. It’s none of your business said Mrs Kutcher. According to all the monkeys who clapped their hands together at London Zoo yesterday what Mila Kunis said was a very brave thing to say. After all it takes guts to tell the world’s biggest English speaking website to fuck-off.

Lets face it, even though we all knew about it, Mila Kunis’ relationship with Ashton Kutcher has been a secret for some time now. However, I don’t really care about the secrecy of the union what I really want to know is if Ashton is still learning to speak Russian. Really, I do.  Once Ashton has learned Russian then he will finally understand all the terrible things that his father-in-law is saying about him.

I guess that’s a question the MailOnline wanted to ask Mila as well.

One day Ashton will sit down and write his auto-biography and tell us how it felt to move on from his grannies bridge partner and how he made a career out of an idiot’s grin and a baseball hat. The rest of the book will consist of photographs of himself laughing while wiping his ass with thousand dollar bills.

He’ll probably title it “Smell The Bottom Line” …. or something like that.

Karen Danczuk – There’s No Sex Tape.

Karen Danczuk,sex,newsmediaimages.com

Whenever somebody tells me about their sex life I can’t help thinking one thing. Unless it involves Liz Hurley and two donkeys, then I’ve heard it all before. Still, some people just insist on sharing. Especially people like Karen Danczuk who must be getting a bit desperate now.

Here’s why. Yesterday Karen was quoted by the Sun newspaper as saying that her marriage to Labour MP Simon Danczuk was “sexless”. Karen, who continues to deny she’s had a fling with her personal trainer Ben Bate, was also reported as saying that she thought her husband was having an affair because they stopped sleeping together.

 Apparently she said:

“There was no sex and we weren’t even kissing by the end. I stopped fancying him and we had no spark left. I used to think, ‘If he is cheating, then he’s not coming to me for it’, which was a relief.”

(Via: The Sun)

You don’t need to give Karen much of an opening to brag about her humping habits. I would investigate these claims further but to be honest I’m starting to feel a little queasy. Plus Karen didn’t mention donkeys.

I don’t know, maybe these two were never truly in love. That said, I’m pretty sure that being on the business end of a penis two hours after the door to your marriage closes does rather qualify you as a “Good Time Girl.”  Well, “Good Fun” at the very least.

Now to the big rumour of the day. Twitter. Karen Danczuk has made a sex tape. Seriously? Are we being serious? Karen Danczuk. Having sex? And she filmed it. Seriously?

Jesus Christ.

It isn’t true. It can’t be. Not Karen Danczuk. I mean look, here’s the tape.

Alesha Dixon: Sung Song Wrong.

Alesha Dixon,Grand prix,National Anthem,newsmediaimages.com

When you read this do please keep in mind that every single person who writes a website is a blithering idiot. Like Alesha Dixon here who sang the national anthem at the British Grand Prix yesterday. Many are saying that it was the worst version that they’ve ever heard.

For reasons best known to herself, Alesha Dixon decided to sing her rendition of God Save The Queen in an American accent. However what’s upset all the national newspapers is the fact that she got the words wrong. “God Save Our Queen” rather than “God Save The Queen”.

It’s understandable why Alesha messed up. The National Anthem is unnecessarily complicated and long winded for a ditty that only gets sung at the Royal Variety Performance, Royal Ascot, Henley Royal Regatta and the last night of the Proms.

In fairness to Alesha Dixon there’s a lot of pressure that goes with performing in front of 100,000 speed freaks and a national TV audience. What is not forgivable is the way Alesha sang. Think drunken hobo screaming over a chainsaw while a public school boy belts out a Vice Regal Salute on the playing fields of Eaton.

That said, posh people always freak out when pop people sing the national anthem like this. They really should be more tolerant. Like me. I’m trying to heal our world with my gentle and supportive website.

Lily Allen: Slibbering And Slobbering.

Lily Allen,Penis Costume,Glastonbury,stoned,newsmediaimages.com

Here’s something funny about that Lily Allen woman. Last night at the Glastonbury festival she slibbered, she slobbered, she quivered and she gurnibated.

I mean really, it’s true! At around 9 pm Lily Allen slibbered and slobbered until she collapsed into an unconscious heap of trollopness right behind the VIP area of Glastonbury’s Wow Stage.

Well that’s right, you just haven’t lived.

One witness told the Sun Newspaper:

“Lily was out of it, she didn’t know where she was. She had collapsed next to a camper van. Her friends were saying, ‘You all right?’ and trying to give her water.

“Her eyes were rolling and her chin was moving from side to side, chewing constantly.

(Via: The Sun.)

Eventually paramedics arrived on the scene but they left again after 45 minutes. Lily’s husband Sam also arrived. He took one look at his bedraggled wife and then dragged her off to their Lamborghini camper van. I did hear that Sam later drove Lily to the nearest cliff, but I can’t be sure about that. However I understand that Lily was not hospitalised.

You know, it’s one thing to get stoned and make an ass of yourself without crossing your legs. It’s quite another if your friends then behave like dicks and send incriminating foto-phonage to a tabloid newspaper.

These pictures from the Sun-on-Sunday today are just boring but it’s still fun to see Lily Allen so splendidly stoned that she smashed her spocky little face against a camper van door. When asked for a comment, the door apparently said, “I am not the grass. Get away from me. Not everything is grass.”

No. The camper van didn’t say that. I made it up. However, grass, drugs, slibbering, slobbering… no way to go through life.

Pic courtesy: Harriet.Verney/Instagram

Phil Taylor 0 – 1 Sun Newspaper.

Phil Taylor,High Court,Sun,Newsmediaimages.com

Our Morning Model has had to step aside. She’s stepped aside because the Sun have run a heart breaking story about dart thrower Phil Taylor…. and we needed her space to tell y’all about it.

Lets start from the beginning. When Life and Style magazine said that Tom Cruise had abandoned his daughter Suri the demented little dwarf tried to sue their asses for $50m. Ultimately Tom’s lawyers failed to achieve their objectives so Tom had to pay them their legal fees and quietly abandon his case.

Yes, Tom Cruise knows only too well that trying to keep secrets locked in a closet of shame can remove an awful lot of change from a fellows wallet.

Dart thrower Phil Taylor is reportedly worth an estimated £10million. He really should have paid more attention to Tom Cruise and his failed law suit because after a High Court ruling earlier today he’s very likely to be worth a lot less than he was.

Here’s why. Despite his best legal efforts in the High Court of Justice today Phil Taylor failed to stop the Sun newspaper from being allowed to publish an interview with two of his daughters.

In court the 16-time world darts champion claimed that his two daughters, Kelly and Natalie were invading his precious privacy by telling the terrible tabloid how he had cut them off financially following his divorce from their mother.

Taylor, 54, told High Court judge Mrs Justice Elizabeth Laing that he had “never put any aspect of his personal life into the public domain” and didn’t intend to now. He also claimed that publishing his daughters interviews would constitute a breach of the Data Protection Act.

I mean really, he did.

Well, when a member of the Sun’s legal team heard that he stood up and muttered something about the two autobiographies Taylor has had published. He also brought the courts attention to the fact that Taylor had also given several interviews about his marital break-up four years ago.

When High Court judge Mrs Justice Elizabeth Laing heard this it came as no surprise to anyone that she tossed Taylor’s claims into the nearest bin and with complete prejudice to his unwinnable case she awarded The Sun newspaper a lorry load of legal costs.

You see? Legal costs. A lorry load. Do the math. £10m – Legal Costs = £0m.

Poor old Taylor. Now everyone will hear how his daughter Kelly lives in a hostel filled with drug addicts and prostitutes. They’ll hear how terribly frightened she is, how she self-harms and suffers from depression. How she says that her father knows where she is but doesn’t seem to care. How both his daughters have tried and tried again to contact him but his PA refuses to give them his number.

A spokesman for Phil Taylor told the Sun that he was indeed aware of his daughters’ position but refused to say why he has done nothing to support them.

Our Morning Model is unconsolable by what she’s read here and apologises for not stripping off and showing you her lady patch. She hopes you’ll understand.

Karen Danczuk – The Bumage Is Borne.

Karen Danczuk,max clifford,newsmediaimages.com

The other day we posted an article about Karen Danczuk and her obsession for tweeting selfies. We spoke of how Karen loves bending over and photographing her pulsating bumage and heaving cleavage.

We told of how Karen’s husband, Labour MP Simon Danczuk had announced the end of his marriage to the self proclaimed Queen of Seflies.

For legal reasons we didn’t speculate on why Mr Danczuk had announced the end of his marriage. No sir, we did not. Our words were chosen without malice aforethought, their intention merely to amuse.

However, after publishing the article our friends over at @offcentrenews told us something that we should have known about but we just didn’t.

Fortunately Popbitch have just sent us their weekly newsletter, an email in which they confirmed exactly what offcentrenews had told us.

Essentially this is what it’s all about;

As you know Karen’s soon to be ex-husband Simon has been building a political reputation around his ability to seek and destroy pedophiles where ever he finds them. At the same time his soon to be ex-wife has been building her career by splashing her tits and ass across Twitter.

Well you can’t build a career on tits and ass alone. You gotta sexualise the media – and to do that a girl needs representation.

Karen Danczuk is represented by Borne Media. Borne Media are a public relations company set up by Max Clifford’s daughter Louise and several former execs from the now defunct Max Clifford Associates.

In their newsletter Popbitch suggested that, for Karen Danczuk at least Borne Media is “perhaps the perfect home for someone looking to distance themselves from someone best known for his pursuit of famous sex offenders.

So there you have it. Mrs Karen Danczuk is represented by a sex offenders daughter. I don’t know how Mr Danczuk felt about that, he hasn’t said.

And finally, the bipolar woman who kidnapped me from my home and raised me as her own says that makeup is the only thing keeping Karen Danczuk’s bulging cleavage from looking like a Mr Whippy ice cream that got left out in the sun.

She has a point.