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Program Note Hosted By Morecambe and Wise.


Morecambe and Wise

Remember when Morecambe and Wise were your Saturday night entertainment? Well of course you don’t because those guys have long since been replaced by the new source of entertainment – the internet.

And guess what? My local newspaper IS the internet. Yes indeed. My local newspaper’s website is the biggest English speaking title on Earth. It’s true, 300m visitors a month give or take a few million.

Life is one world and yet life seen by the Daily Mail is quite another. They really should re-launch themselves as the Kardashian Times.

I mean seriously, look at their coverage of show business. The Reality TV Awards? Kim Kardashian’s backside? Beauty and charisma with no more entertainment value than a fillet-o-fish. Feckless and fishy follies indeed.

We can thank the rise and fall of show business reportage to Lord Leverson and the dreaded reputation lawyer. Between them they have created a mortal fear that stretches from Fleet Street and way beyond. Indeed, when it comes to ‘reportage de ragots’ the fear of legal action knows no bounds.  I don’t think there’s an editor alive today who’s brave enough to say boo to a goose let alone expose that fat little singer from Brighton as a…… never mind.

So. Rest in Peace show business, 3AM, Kevin O’Sullivan, Page 3 and all. It’s been fun, I’ll miss you.

(And yes, I hate myself for typing that last paragraph.)

Which this brings me nicely round to our programming notice. As many of you are aware I’ve been spending more and more of my time with my friend ArtPopper, the online art gallery.

Such is the nature of the beast I’ll be spending even more of my time with him over the coming weeks as I brush his teeth, comb his hair and generally making his ugly ass presentable to investors. That’s if I don’t get arrested and charged with disturbing the peace for trying to reproduce a Monet on a cushion of course.

So what I’m trying to say is that I’ll be throwing up less posts than usual here on NMi. Things will go back to normal eventually as writing is my true love.

So for now, I’ll leave you with Morecambe and Wise…. Bring Me Sunshine….


 

Adele trumps Trump.


Adele,Trump,newsmediaimages.com

For some inexplicable reason Adele drives me wild. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. I don’t know if it’s the way she waddles around the red carpet like a sexy emperor penguin or the fact she looks like bag of potatoes every time she stuffs herself into one of those award dresses.

It could be that she’s actually very talented and doesn’t take shit from anyone. Take her “Rolling in the Deep” song for example. It’s such a great tune that US Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump has been using it to stoke up the crowds at his campaign events.

Well, Adele isn’t about to allow a distasteful narcissist who makes jokes about women’s periods to use her music without paying for it. No sir. She has therefore told Donald Trump that he does not have permission to use her songs and to cease and desist immediately.

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This comes after another musician, Steven Tyler also ordered Donald Trump to stop using his music at campaign events. Lawyers for the Aerosmith frontman have now sent two cease-and-desist letters to Trump’s campaign committee. TWO!!!

An extract form the letter;

 “Donald Trump does not have our client’s permission to use “Dream On” or any of Tyler’s other songs and that it “gives the false impression that he is connected with or endorses Mr Trump’s presidential bid”.

You either believe that Donald Trump is a loud mouth who you’d love to punch in the face or he’s an incredibly clever wordsmith who uses the subtleties of the English language to lure in voters.

I know, like Adele and Tyler you want to kick his ass. However, musicians really need to think ahead. Seriously, if this looney tune gets elected to the White House he’ll be able to spill their porn history to the world in three clicks or less.

Rest in Peace: Sir Terry Wogan 1938 – 2016.


Sir Terry WoganDim all the lights from London to Dublin because the demon of 2016 has claimed yet another treasure. The broadcaster and friend to all children in need, Sir Terry Wogan (KBE) has died.

Sir Terry was 77 years young.

According to the BBC Sir Terry Wogan died last night. As he embarked on his final journey he was surrounded by his loving family who were at his bedside. Once again cancer, the disease without cure, mercy or boarders has claimed another victim.

Naturally a statement has been issued. It says;

“Sir Terry Wogan died today after a short but brave battle with cancer. 

He passed away surrounded by his family. While we understand he will be missed by many, the family ask that their privacy is respected at this time.”

(via: BBC News)

BBC director general Tony Hall said: “Terry truly was a national treasure.”

Terry Wogan was born in Ireland in 1938. Long before the internet was born Terry Wogan left Ireland and began working for BBC Radio on the Light Program. Later he presented the Tuesday edition of Late Night Extra on Radio One. He became an instant success. In 1969 ‘Auntie’ offered him a regular afternoon show between 3 and 5.

In 1972, Terry took over the breakfast show on BBC Radio 2. Wogan enjoyed unprecedented popularity, achieving audiences of up to 7.6 million.

During his time with Radio 2 and by popular request from his listeners Sir Terry Wogan released a vocal version of the song “The Floral Dance”. His song reached number 21 in the charts. In 1984, Wogan left his breakfast show to pursue a full-time career in television.

In 1980, the BBC’s charity appeal for children was broadcast to the nation first time. It was the first ever telethon which we all now know as the Children in Need appeal. Wogan has been the presenter of this annual event ever since. In 1981 Wogan was given his own chat show, Wogan, which was broadcast on Saturday nights and lasted for more than ten years.

Sir Terry Wogan was also the voice of Eurovision. We’ll say nothing about that.

In 1997 Terry Wogan was appointed an Honorary Officer of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) and elevated to an Honorary Knight Commander of the same order (KBE) in the Queen’s Birthday Honours in 2005. In 2007 he was made a Deputy Lieutenant of Buckinghamshire. 

Wogan also set a number of world records. The world record for the longest successful golf putt ever televised, which was 33 yards at Gleneagles in a pro-celebrity match broadcast by the BBC. Appearing on Top Gear, Terry Wogan managed to become the slowest person to go around the track in a “Reasonably-Priced Car”.

Talking of his many years in broadcasting Sir Terry said “I put it all down to clean living and plenty of roughage.”

Yes, Terry Wogan, he was like that.

Rest in Peace, Sir Terry, you are now in heaven where the angels sing and the leprechauns can’t.

Thank you for this:

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Dad’s Army Premiere.


Catherine Zeta Jones

Last night all eyes were on Catherine Zeta-Jones as she attended the World Premiere of Dad’s Army in London’s Leicester square. And I agree; her cleavage really is a sight to behold.

Anyway. I read all about Catherine in the hallowed Daily Mail today. I read all their picture captions and it seems to me that Catherine Zeta-Jones showing up with her cleavage last night clearly saved their day! Yaay, she did it! The rise and fall of the Hollywood breast!

But seriously, apart from Catherine Zeta-Jones the event was a wet and windy flop as only a mishmash of wannabe desperadoes bothered to turn up. A storm in a bra cup is how I’d describe this premiere.

Anyway, I’m no film critic and besides I haven’t seen the film so lets get to the Daily Mail.  As regular readers will know my job is to sit here, drink tea and throw shit balls at the rich and famous. (Just so as you know, a shit ball is a funny, a turn of phrase, a sarcastic or sardonic witticism.)

As part of my daily routine I go through all the newspapers to see if there are any show business stories which I can bless here on NMi with a little acerbic commentary (means throw a shit ball).

Today I’ve been looking at the Daily Mail and their use of adjectives and descriptive nouns. I got to wondering if their readers really understood what the scribes are trying to say. The hidden meaning within the adjectives and descriptive nouns in their sentences – the tongue-in-cheek if you like.

Here’s a list of expressions the Daily Mail used in their coverage of Catherine Zeta-Jones at last night’s premiere…. and the real meaning behind the wordage.

‘a blue dress with a daring thigh-high split’  

Means: Hideous and showing her minge.

And what about this little gem?

‘showing off her ample cleavage’ 

Means: Those tits are OUTRAGEOUS.

Modesty is one my favourite words and a regular at the Daily Mail.

‘the blustery weather threatened to expose her modesty’ 

Means: Almost showed her vagina to the crowd.

Beautifully put. Here’s another.

‘showcased her svelte legs thanks to the racy side-split’ 

Means: She’d look good in a bin bag.

Whoever invented this phrase ‘needs to be taken from his home and shooting in the street in front of his family’ (Jeremy Clarkson)

‘narrowly avoiding a wardrobe malfunction’  

Means: Nearly flashed her panties and gave the press something to look at. 

And finally.

‘classic cut, including ruching at the waist’  

Means: I have no idea what that means. 

I honestly don’t know how these newspapers would cover a male celebrity getting a vasectomy, they’d probably think he was buying an Italian sports car. It’s not their fault. Anyway you’ve still got five lines to write on those tits. Get back to work.

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Donald Trump Raped Former Wife Claims Channel 4.


Donald Trump C4 Rape

Donald Trump has made the The Sun again today. This time it’s because a Channel 4 documentary has sensationally claimed that the wannabe American President ‘raped’ his former wife Ivana.

The documentary is titled, The Mad World of Donald Trump and in it Channel 4 reveal the shocking allegations which Ivana Trump made about her ex-husband during their divorce battle back in 1992. She later withdrew her allegations but none the less in 1993 a postman delivered a STFU order through her door.

So what’s what here. Essentially what you’ll hear tonight is Trump biographer, Harry Hurt telling Channel 4 that the Trump rape allegedly happened back in 1989.

He says;

 “One night, he comes in — in a rage — and starts pulling Ivana’s hair. Then according to her sworn deposition testimony ‘he raped me’.

“At this point she is terrified, runs out of the room, runs down the hall to her mother’s room and locks the door behind her. She stays up crying all night.

“The next morning, again according to her testimony, she comes creeping out and sees him and he goes, ‘Did it hurt?’”

Naturally enough Donald Trump has denied Ivana’s claims. His lawyer Michael Cohen said only last year;

“He never raped anybody. You cannot rape your spouse. She felt raped emotionally. She was not referring to it as a criminal matter and not in its literal sense.”

There’s already been protests over sexist comments that Donald Trump claims he never made so I’m guessing social media will pick this one up too. They’ll probably invent a hashtag – #PresidentsThatRape – and breathless female bloggers will rush to their laptops to report how the hashtag has been tweeted 20million times.

I’m not saying I would agree with such a hashtag, but I would write Go Fund Me a big fat cheque to make it happen.

Ultimately I guess everyone will have to figure this one out for themselves. Just let me know when you’re done so we can stop watching Donald Trump edging closer to the White House.

The Mad World of Donald Trump airs on Channel 4 tonight at 9pm.
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Rita Ora: Love Is Not Enough.


Rita OraTwo things happen during Paris Fashion Week. People exchange conversation about absurd looking clothes and a rather small number of straight men wait for famous women to flash their bits. I spy Rita Ora.

Clearly Rita Ora has all the confidence that a beautiful young star needs in order to look after her brand, her advertisers and the Daily Mail. Yes really, take last night at the Versace Fashion show for example. When Rita arrived she was wearing little more than a smile over an orange mini dress held together with string.

Naturally everyone paid attention to her because lets face it nothing says ‘look at me’ like flashing your bits at a fashion show. Have you seen my boobs? Go on then, take a picture. Upload it to Instagram it’ll make you famous. My tits are famous, ask anyone. Isn’t this is fun but when do I get my dignity back?

Rita Ora once claimed that her abundant levels of self confidence are too much for the men that she dates. Who has she dated? Calvin Harris, that wonderfully coiffed DJ of electronica? I don’t know how to describe him. What about Rob Kardashian? She turned him into a fat hapless fool.

And Chris Brown? After buying awesome amounts of cocaine and humping him like a rabbit at the Four Seasons hotel a brave army of internet warriors took to social media to decry the outrage which brought it to a timely end.

So now Rita is all alone. I guess Rita still has the option of dating a man who won’t curl up into a protective ball at the first hint of her perfume. To be honest I don’t know much about her but I do know that listening to her music will make the blood to flow from a mans ears and cause his testicles to shrink to the size of raisins.

Love alone is not enough. Still, Rita does know how to flash her lady parts like nobody’s business. Nice tits.

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