Karen-Danczuk-2Big shocker. The curtain to the private world of politicos and Lego collectors has been pulled back. Karen Danczuk – wife of Labour MP Simon Danczuk – has flashed her cleavage to the people.

Like many men, I find that Christmas can bring on the blues. It can only be cured by drinking lots of seasonal spirits and looking at an MP’s wife dressed up as Santa Clause.

Karen Danczuk-Santa-Pose

At some point next year I fully expect to see Theresa May pushing this same pose as she continues with her ‘common woman just like you’ image relaunch.

Thank you Karen. Happy Christmas everyone.


VIDEO: How A Homeless Man Spent $100.

by Mike D.W on December 24, 2014

in Celebrity

Josh Paler Lin-Homeless-experiment-film-Thomas-LiquorstoreI’m taking a short break from our regular program of silliness to bring you a sweet story which proves there are some beautiful people in this world who do good things for others.

The Homeless. This piece of trash thinks that homeless people have pretty flexible work schedules. He thinks they should all be rounded up and made to sweep the streets for a handful of food tokens.

Unfortunately the esteemed member for Chingford and Woodford East knows little of what being homeless actually is or what it means.

Being a homeless person means chewing on other people’s half smoked cigars and having all your possessions tied up in a hankie hanging from a stick. Being a homeless person means wearing no make-up and warming your hands over a fire in a deserted park. Being a homeless person means chasing chickens for food and living on the ground. Sometimes it means having a crack pipe to erase the pain of life on a cold and lonely street.

As it turns out some of the homeless are simply excellent people who have fallen on hard times, often through no fault of their own. Take a moment to watch the video below. It was made by vlogger Josh Paler Lin and it’s had over eleven million hits.

It tells the story of Thomas, a homeless man in America. Thomas had to quit his job in order to look after his ailing parents. Sadly both of them died. Afterwards Thomas had no job and he couldn’t afford to pay for his parents mortgage. The house was repossessed and Thomas was made homeless.

The story begins with Josh handing Thomas $100 in cash. Josh then secretly follows Thomas with a camera to film how he spent the money. Press play, the results are as surprising as they are moving.

Seriously, if the world can’t be saved by that amazing video then I’ll be truly shocked. Watching it was like finding ten thousand Russell Brands all following me on Twitter. Ten thousand Russells who don’t ask silly questions.

And yes, you really should go here and give something to our homeless people this Christmas. It’d be a good thing to do.


MelB-Stephen Belafonte-Phoenix-GunWelcome to another slow-ass news day where nothing is going on in the sad and scandalous world of celebrity gossip.

In fact it’s been so calm and peaceful without the sound of Z-Listers incessantly shrieking their woes in the Daily Mail that I’m beginning to think that a judge may have ordered them all to take their meds and cool their throbbing tongues off in a bowl of iced vodka.

Take Mel B for example. Ever since the gossip columns began wallpapering their fronts with her marital problems Melanie has kept pretty quiet. Perhaps she’s re-charging her crazy and waiting for the New Year. Then she’ll go for it.

Yes, maybe 2015 is the year that Melanie tells us that she doesn’t want to be married anymore, she’s moved to Florida, picked up another trick, married that trick and she’ll keep doing it over and over again until she’s got more ex-husbands than she has shitty tattoos.

Maybe 2015 is when all the birds singing in the trees get drowned out by the sound of Mel and her husband ripping each other’s throats out while fighting over money in London’s High Court of Justice.

But y’know, the Daily Express are equally desperate for celebrity news today. So desperate in fact that they’ve had to drag an old story out of their archives. They’ve re-published the story about Mel’s mum, Andrea Brown and how she once accused Stephen Belafonte of scaring her grand-daughter with a gun.

Andrea originally made the allegation back in 2009 (in US court papers) when Mel and her ex Jimmy Gulzar were battling over the custody of their daughter Phoenix.

The tabloid reports Andrea as saying:

“Phoenix told me Stephen had a gun and that he had scared her with it. While at [Mel’s sister] Danielle’s house, Phoenix said that Stephen told her that when she is 16, he is going to throw her out of the house.

I was shocked at this time to hear Phoenix say she hated her stepfather Stephen and I dismissed this as a result of her having to share her mum with him and sister Angel.

Phoenix has never spoken like that about Mel’s previous partners.”

(Via: Daily Express)

If these two do divorce it’ll add another sad day to their salacious lives but I don’t think Mel will miss Stephen’s brick house head knocking against hers during missionary. And I don’t think he’ll miss the fear he feels whenever Mel smiles her glossy hamster teeth at his dick shaft.

And yes, it’ll be a sad day for all of us too but at least we’ll always have this.


Sandra-Orangutan-non-human-person-human-rights-court-buenos airesSandra, a shy 29-year-old 137-pound orangutan who almost escaped from a Buenos Aires zoo has been granted the equivalent of human rights. In a landmark ruling a court in Argentina has granted all Orangutans the status of “non-human persons” with legal rights.

The decision clears the way for Sandra to be freed from the Buenos Aires Zoo after spending her entire life in captivity. The ruling came after animal rights campaigners filed a habeas corpus petition – which is normally used to challenge the legality of a human being’s imprisonment – on behalf of the Sumatran orangutan, who was born in zoo in German and sold to the Buenos Aires state zoo twenty years ago.

The whole case hinged on whether Sandra should be treated as a “thing” or a “person” The Association of Officials and Lawyers for Animal Rights (Afada) argued that Sandra should not be treated as an object because of her intelligence and complex ways of thinking.

Here’s why.

When she was younger this clever ape caused the zoo to evacuate after she almost broke out. Sandra pushed a stick into the electric fence surrounding her enclosure which caused it to short circuit. This enabled her to get to a glass viewing wall which kept her away from the public. The Frank Morris of monkeys then built a makeshift ladder from sticks, grass and plant roots.

Just as Sandra was just about to jump over the wall, zoo officials rang the alarm. Sandra had a moment of clarity and realised that her dream of running away to the big city to become a stripper wasn’t going to happen. Sandra dropped back into her enclosure.

The zoo was forced to close until Sandra’s enclosure could be made secure. At the time an official from the zoo said, “She’s an ingenious animal.” The court was forced to agree. Yes, Sandra deserved her basic rights, albeit those of a “non-human person”.

Well Sandra, you can stop building that helicopter from rocks, banana peel and worms now, you don’t need to worry about escaping your enclosure anymore. Your day of sweet freedom has come. You’re a free “non-human person”.

This is what we’re talking about.


Rest In Peace: Joe Cocker 1944 – 2014.

by Mike D.W on December 22, 2014

in Celebrity

Jo-Cocker-Died-rest-in-peace-lung-cancerThrow yourself on your fluffiest pillows and weep because another musical legend has just floated up to the great stage in the sky. Joe Cocker passed away earlier today the young age of 70.

Joe died from lung cancer at his home in Crawford, Colorado while surrounded by his family.

Joe was the founder member of the Grease band back in 1966 but his first big hit came as a solo artist in 1968 when he released a cover of the Beatles hit tune, With A Little Help From My Friends.

Joe was a still an unknown back then but when he rocked the shit out of that song live at the Woodstock festival a year later the music industry realised that Joe’s iconic voice would make him one of the world’s most revered rock and blues singer of all time. His single You Are So Beautiful reached number five in the US charts in 1975. Since then the lyrics have been sent to a million beautiful women by a million hopeful lovers. (see vid below.)

Cocker won several awards, a Grammy Award for Up Where We Belong in 1983, a Brit award nomination in 1993 and an OBE for services to music in 1993.

A few years ago Joe told everyone that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. He fought the good fight with that bitch. He won, the cancer went away but only for a while. In 2012, Joe’s cancer came back. Once again Joe screwed up his face, put his hat on and then fought that cancer for a second time.

After months of chemo, the cancer went into remission. But because cancer is a piece of shit who can’t take a hint it came back again.

In his heyday Joe went out almost every night, he drank the finest brandy, smoked the best weed and didn’t get up before 2pm. Everyone loved Joe Cocker. Gas fitter from Sheffield to music legend of the world.

Rest in peace, Joe Cocker. You’re up in heaven now, out-singing all the angels.


Daniella-Westbrook-HomelessThere can be no ego more fragile than that of celebrity’s. Which is why poor Danniella Westbrook has been forced to quit Twitter. Over the weekend the former EastEnders actress took to Twitter and said that she was leaving the site because the constant abuse was tipping her “over the edge.”

None of the aforegoing is in the least bit funny. Unless you’re an internet troll, then trust me, it’s fucking hilarious.

I think everyone knows that Danniella is an ex-drug addict who has fallen on desperately hard times. Earlier this month we heard how she’s living in sheltered accommodation with her two children, Jody and Kai. There is no TV to entertain them. Just a bedside radio, their mobile phones and Twitter. Danniella has no money, her acting work has all dried up and there’s no man looking out for her. She’s desperate and all alone.

On Saturday evening Danniella received a bunch of twisted tweets from a Twitter troll calling himself Viking_Dad1976. His vile messages told Daniella that she should kill herself, take an overdose, do her kids a favour. 

Danniella tried in vain to defend herself, she pleaded with the troll to stop. She tweeted: “The person who’s tweeting me telling me to go & o.d and do my kids a favour this Christmas. Please stop its really evil at this time.” But the troll wouldn’t stop.

There was a lot more from the troll, too evil to print here but eventually poor fragile Danniella had suffered enough. She burst into floods of helpless tears and then posted the desperate tweet you see below.

Westbrook-tweets-quits-twitter

So there you have it – a fragile soul appears on Twitter hoping that her followers will reassure her that everything is going to be ok and then an anonymous troll crawls out from the damp cracks of the Internet and forces her to leave.

And here’s my message to the anonymous troll.

Oh, you dumb-ass troll. You’re too lazy for proxies. You may have deleted your Twitter account but the police will soon track your IP address back to the filthy housing block that you call home. England is not a super big place. Already the police’s GPS is saying ‘that way’ and pointing right at you.

You’re not an anonymous troll anymore, you’re a nailed troll. See you in court.


Farage Bans Twitter.

by Mike D.W on December 21, 2014

in Celebrity,Social Media

Alessandra Ambrosio-ukipOne of the fun things about being a member of UKIP is the world of social media. If a member spends their every waking moment tweeting incredibly stupid things they then have to delete it almost immediately.

However, there’s still a chance that someone from the Daily Mail has already screen grabbed it. The offending tweet is then reprinted in the paper and an awful lot of people get offended by the tweet in question.

Now UKIP party leader Nigel Farage has had enough of that unruly mess. He’s tired of paying scores of retarded teens to wade through his party members tweets about gay marriage, women priests, immigration reform, human rights protests in Ramsgate, people setting themselves on fire in Hartlepool, breast feeding at Claridges and tranny attention seekers kissing each other in public.

No. Social media is not fun if you’re the only one enjoying it. That’s why both Nigel and UKIP have withdrawn their digital stamp of approval from all tweets which bear the party logo.

Here’s snippet from their constitution;

“Party members shall refrain from using the Ukip logo in terms of their online postings, including avatars, unless they have express written consent to do so from the party leader, the party chairman, the party secretary, the general secretary, the party director, the regional chairman or regional organiser for their region”.

Politicians all seem to think that Twitter is best left to diplomats and not a party’s incoherent social media army. Herein lies the fundamental flaw in all political marketing on social media.  For some reason their soul selling social media outlets don’t feature pictures of hot women. That’s a game changer right there. You can’t win an election without a cleavage.

It’s cute that politicos think their earnest twitterings are enough. But it’s like men who think that growing a beard will get them laid. Wake me Nigel when you’ve got some Brazilian supermodels in the mix. See Above.


Thumbnail image for Tony Blair: No I’m NOT Talking About That Damn Deng Woman.

Tony Blair: No I’m NOT Talking About That Damn Deng Woman.

December 20, 2014 Celebrity

Regular readers will know that we don’t normally do politics here on NMi. However, according to some we’re not doing the ‘fifth estate’ the justice it deserves if we don’t throw a bouquet of bitchiness at a politician occasionally. So behold, Mike D.W – the David Brent of political reporters! Tony Blair’s name has hit the headlines […]

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Thumbnail image for Wot, Perez (_!_) Hilton To Enter Celebrity Big Brother?

Wot, Perez (_!_) Hilton To Enter Celebrity Big Brother?

December 19, 2014 Celebrity

The producers of Celebrity Big Brother have announced that penis drawing blogger Perez Hilton has signed a contract worth £150,000 to enter the CBB house in January. So, a closeted gay will have his intimate sexual thoughts broadcast on live TV. Oh Celebrity Big Brother – turning “Z-listers” into dumb bitches since 2001. That’s terrible. Other celebrity […]

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Thumbnail image for Poor Sinitta.

Poor Sinitta.

December 19, 2014 Celebrity

While serving up his annual “Christmas in Barbados” pictures, Simon Cowell went for an old-fashioned paparazzi stroll down the beach. He took his two dogs, Squiddly and Diddly, his gold digging fiancee, Lauren Silverman and the crestfallen tag-a-long we all know as Sinitta.  What a mess. I’m sure Lauren has told Sinitta a million times that there’s no room for an ex-lover’s shit in […]

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Thumbnail image for Program Note: Sponsored By A Blackmailing Hacker.

Program Note: Sponsored By A Blackmailing Hacker.

December 18, 2014 Celebrity

For the past few days, NMi has been dealing with a blackmailing hacker who just wouldn’t go away. I’ve bitched about it on Twitter a few times. It felt like an obese burping frog had got stuck in our server. We tried everything but to no avail. NMi was down, our pile of scandalous scribbles seemingly unplugged from the world wide web forever. […]

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Thumbnail image for MEL B and Stephen Belafonte – To Sue or Not To Sue, That Is The Question.

MEL B and Stephen Belafonte – To Sue or Not To Sue, That Is The Question.

December 16, 2014 Celebrity

Today, while the world’s diamonds slowly lose their sparkle millions of ducks have begun quacking and it’s all because the Sun Newspaper have reported that Mel B has left her husband Stephen Belafonte. Yes indeed, it’s a sad day for everyone when love between a duck basher and a vinegar-scented Barbie goes numb and dies. However, while strolling through the Sun’s report today it was easy to see how their story is […]

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Thumbnail image for Lily Allen Threatens To Leave Twitter.

Lily Allen Threatens To Leave Twitter.

December 14, 2014 Celebrity

Good morning everyone and guess what? In news that we’ll all continue to post about for years to come the Daily Mail has reported how Mel B missed her slot on last night’s X Factor. A tummy problem they say. Anyways, things may not going well for Mel B but they’re going SO WELL for all of us. Why? Because Lily Allen has threatened to quit social […]

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