Split And Unsplit: Kelly Brook Again.

by Celebrity Shade on November 27, 2014

in Celebrity

Kelly-Brook-David-McIntosh-Relationship-romance-splits-break-upJust pretend to care, okay! Hearts have been broken! All you media skanks can go and comfort Kelly Brook’s 36NNN boobs while I try to sooth David McIntosh’s broken heart with some Häagen-Dazs ice cream.

After splitting and unsplitting more times than a policman’s walkie talkie gets rogered, David McIntosh now insists that he’s back together with Kelly. However David says he was very upset the last time Kelly dropped their relationship in the trash.

“I was hurting man. I didn’t even know. I said a lot of things that I didn’t actually mean.”

He probably got sick of Kelly claiming that she’s a size 8. The nerve of some people. She probably got sick of him giving sexy eyes to small animals. I mean look at the man! You know he’s into some sick shit!

But Kelly’s not stupid (she is). Kelly knows if you need to dump someone, break it off after Christmas so that you can still collect your presents! Don’t ever do it before. If you think you’re going to get dumped, stall that shit until your gift is underneath the tree!

And if they didn’t give you a present because they knew you were going to end it then sue their asses! Judge Judy will definitely come down on your side.

Anyway I’m sure it won’t be long before we see Kelly’s fat ass on the cover of a glossy magazine somewhere under the headline: “I’m single and loving it! And I’m still a size 8!

LEGALS: Eastender Accused Of Racially Aggravated Abuse.

by Celebrity Shade on November 27, 2014

in Celebrity

Linda-Henry-courts-legals-Court-legals-Racially Aggravated Abuse-EastendersActress Linda Henry who plays Shirley Carter in the BBC soap opera, Eastenders has been accused of racially aggravated abuse. Allegedly the racist abuse happened outside Jamie Oliver’s restaurant in Greenwich.

Linda is accused of hurling the abuse during a row with person or persons unknown on September 14. The actress isn’t saying much about the accusation other than she intends to fight it “tooth and nail” when the case comes to court next February.

A source told the Sun newspaper:

“Linda is horrified at the accusation and intends to fight it tooth and nail. “Those close to her know the truth and the type of person she is. She has never been in trouble before, has never been accused of this type of thing before and is determined to prove she is innocent of these deeply offensive claims.”

At a plea and directions hearing at Bexley magistrates court yesterday Linda pleaded not guilty to the allegations via her lawyer. She did not attend the hearing. The BBC have refused to comment but it’s understood that Linda’s EastEnders work will continue until the trial begins.

What do I think? Personally, I’ve heard horror stories about [redacted]. I have also heard that she’s a [redacted] and [redacted] everyone on set. So, it doesn’t surprise me that her stupid ass would [redacted].

Of course this is all unsubstantiated hearsay, which is why Mike D.W has just redacted everything I just said. Bitch!

Program Update: Sponsored By Three Royals.

by Mike D.W on November 26, 2014

in Celebrity

Portrait-Prince William-Prince George-Duchess Kate,-Unofficial-royalsI’ll probably get royally executed for posting this but hey ho, onwards and upwards. A photo sharing web-site has released this unofficial portrait of Prince William, Duchess Kate and baby George. Nobody knows where or how the site came by it.

The untitled and autographed photograph shows Duchess Kate looking like she’s about to lick a window and makes the second-in-line to the throne look like he just had a glimpse of Camilla’s G-String after her dress blew up.

Yes, it’s an absolutely stunning picture, all three of them look like they’ve just eaten the dreams of a thousand obese children.

But you know what this picture really needs? A photo-bombing glass of champagne. BOOM!

Anyway on that note, I’m on a quick business trip this week. It means I won’t be around much for the next few days.

While I’m off guzzling Dom Pérignon Rosé and talking up NMi as a viable investment opportunity my part time partner in blogging foolery, Celebrity Shade will be here posting her seeds of devil worship.

I’ll be back full-time next week, that is if I don’t get arrested for scribbling the words “screw you” on some investor’s forehead.

Gaga: A Star Is Born.

by Mike D.W on November 25, 2014

in Celebrity

Lady-Gaga-Siver-Star-Outfit-Wrap Party-Paris-picture-funny,Lady Gaga, whose very name reminds me of a 1980’s porn star is still pimping her diva hard. It’s true, when she’s not waking the dead with her scream-songing then she’s bringing us shades of ridiculous in big heavy doses.

While looking like a Transformers logo this piece of tin-foil trash (above) stepped out of her Artpop wrap party and posed before the Parisien Photographic Society. Then the ensuing photographs got insta-sent around the world. There Gaga – fame for a day. Again!

Words are beginning to fail me now but y’know what, wasn’t our world an innocent place before we had the Internet. It was a time when emotionally unstable teenagers could sit in their bedrooms doing self harm to themselves whilst their parents had swinger parties in the garage. Pictures like that one above would never have seen the light of day. Nowadays, with newspapers turning into digital Insta-Cams I think we’ve seen every damn camera angle that Gaga has ever poked her bum at.

Oddly I feel guilty about this. When I see people peering at the sky, naturally I peer at the sky. If I look up and I see Michelle Keegan’s magical boobs, then I’m going to tell everyone else to look at them too. It’s what the papers have us doing nowadays. It’s a sort of herd mentality. (BTW herd mentality doesn’t count if you’re peering at Cheryl Cole’s beaver.)

Fuck-it, I’ve gone way off topic now and completely lost my focus so yes, words really have failed me.

Liz Hurley,LBD,Book Launch,cleavage,I’m glad that Liz Hurley still looks this good in a semi-sheer LBD. As you know Elizabeth is a genius when it comes to harnessing the power of a fine cleavage. However, when she attended a book launch last night she kept what her biology teacher referred to as “really nice boobs” all covered up!

It’s also good that a 49-year-old woman like Liz and her amazing tits can still look OMG fabulous in a bikini, but it’s also troubling. I mean, where are all the new hotties?

Every day the Daily Mail publish wave after wave of Kim Kardashian pictures, Jennifer Lawrence, Kyle Jenner and Taylor Swift. They’ve all been done to death. At 28 Lindsay Lohan looks worse than Camilla Parker-Bowles and Milly Macintosh well… she should start eating.

WTF, I can’t think of even one new hottie who is as stunning as Elizabeth Hurley. A few years ago we had them all and now there’s none. Megan Fox is still hot, she could be stuffed, mounted and humped but really, we need a new generation of hotties to step up to the plate.

Mel-sykes-Jack-cockings-slapsThis article is brought to you courtesy of Virgin Media. On Friday afternoon Virgin Media’s network became slower than Josie Cunningham’s brain waves. So slow in fact that NMI was forced to cease publishing. We made enquiries of Virgin’s customer services and whilst they accepted that it was 100% their fault they refused to do anything about it. NMi would be ‘sans net’ until Tuesday.

Well, you can always count on us to make the smart decisions. We decided to take @Virginmedia to the Court of Outraged Twittering. We asked the court to decide if Virgin had taken all reasonable steps to repair their network and further, had they shown a willingness to expedite those steps promptly and efficiently.

The tweets rained down upon Richard Branson’s finest but despite their best efforts to defend the indefensible you, the jury found their corporate asses guilty of incompetence, complacent arrogance and of showing a couldn’t-care-less attitude towards a fee paying customer.

It wasn’t long before Virgin had no choice but to hang their heads in shame and set about repairing their failed network. And to their eternal credit that’s what they did. Virgin’s network was restored within a few hours.

What have we learned from this? Well, anybody who imagines Virgin Media is an office full of jolly chaps drinking tea and making jokes have no idea what the true nature of a corporate multi-billion pound business is. It’s a serious enterprise filled with serious people and a large legal team enforcing their many corporate policies.

Nowadays when we investigate corporate arrogance, it’s not Peter Falk hobbling around in a Columbo coat asking a couple of sad assed questions before taking an afternoon nap. No it’s us, the people. TWITTER!

So corporate Britain do please note. ‘The tweet is mightier than the board.’ 

So. Lets get to it. After all there’s no business like show business is there. You’ll remember back in 2013 the police arrested I’m a celebrity star Melanie Sykes after her husband, Jack Cockings accused her of slapping him. Oh how we joked about the cops coming to the Cocking residence in order to break up a nasty fight between wife and toy-boy. Yeah, that was funny. Well there’s more thigh slapping funny on that marriage today.

Roof tiler, Cockings has spoken to the Sun-on-Sunday and he’s told them how in his six month marriage Melanie peppered his face in slaps. In an article published today Jack claims that his former wife slapped him while  on honeymoon, slapped him while at his parents house on Christmas day and slapped him at their home in Hampstead.

In fact if you believe Jack’s account of the marriage Mel just never got bored with slapping him.

Every adult has the god-given right to do stupid shit. You can run between lorries on a motorway or bareback prostitutes with herpes if you like, but you don’t have the right to slap a stupid person. Even if they have the most slappable face in the country and have it coming to them.

I know, you think that’s a generalisation but when you look around at the guys like Jack Cockings, you’ll see that I’m right.

POLL: Should Gemma Collins Quit TV?

by Mike D.W on November 21, 2014

in Celebrity

Gemma-CollinsIt’s been one of those days. The kind of day where you just want to crawl inside a vodka bottle and watch TOWIE re-runs through the bottom of it.

Because of this I’m grateful to the Sun newspaper for the screen grab of Gemma Collins‘ face you see above. It’s given me my first proper laugh of the day!

I have no idea what Gemma’s face was saying in that picture or what it was doing but I hope Gemma won’t ever make it stop. Gemma’s face needs to adopt me so that we can eat jelly and cake together, then I’ll be able to make a face just like hers whenever I want.

But wots this? Gemma’s face won’t be appearing on television ever again? Seriously? How can that be? Gemma’s face IS the face of television.  YES. IT. IS.

On a more serious note … the Sun who are reporting on this one today have quoted Gemma as saying….

“This [I’m A Celebrity] has been such a massive wake-up call. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. I’ve been on a roller-coaster ride for the last three years and it might be time to get off. The jungle was torture, but it gave me time to think. I have to completely re-evaluate my life.”

(via: The Sun)

The Sun are also quoting one of Gemma’s pals who apparently told them, “Gemma’s realised what’s important — friends and family, not the glitzy fake world of reality TV.”

Reality TV. Glitzy? Fake? Really? I don’t know what to say but that can’t be why Gemma is calling quits on her spectacular career. Surely not!

No, I think it’s those uncultured face-hating haters on social media, the one’s that can’t handle Gemma’s sans fards follies. She’s got super pissed-off with them and is simply ‘threatening’ to quit TV in order to teach their nasty asses a lesson.

Yes, Face-Haters. Unless someone had nothing better to do and made this whole mess up, it’s the only explanation.

Should Gemma Quit TV?

Thumbnail image for SADS: Rest In Peace Duchess Of Alba.

SADS: Rest In Peace Duchess Of Alba.

November 20, 2014 Celebrity

A black veil hung over the people of Spain today after it was announced that their beloved Duchess of Alba had been tragically taken from them and had danced a light Fandango all the way up to heaven. Yes, the sad news came earlier today when her family announced that their Duchess passed peacefully in […]

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Thumbnail image for Eminem: Nasty Little TROLL!

Eminem: Nasty Little TROLL!

November 20, 2014 Celebrity

Over the years we’ve become accustomed to hearing Eminem songs, all of them stuffed with more nasties than a teenagers Facebook, so it comes as no surprise today that his latest rap foolery has made lots of women very angry indeed. His latest tune is called Vegas and in it Mathers raps on about Iggy Azalea and how he’d like to drag her into a Humvee and then rape […]

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Thumbnail image for Here’s Gaga’s Armpit: Nasty Business.

Here’s Gaga’s Armpit: Nasty Business.

November 20, 2014 Celebrity

The World Wide Web is awash with news that will surely cause the entire universe to collapse in on itself. Lady Gaga has a new tattoo. Great news! In case you’re wondering what you’re looking at Gaga’s latest piece of body art is simply two messy squiggles which read “Mother Monster” together with some stodgy looking swirls tattooed just […]

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Thumbnail image for Why Did Gemma Collins Leave I’m A Celebrity?

Why Did Gemma Collins Leave I’m A Celebrity?

November 19, 2014 Celebrity

You may know Gemma Collins as the Towie girl who loves to eat McNuggets and embarrass herself by not looking OMG fabulous in a bikini. And then again you may not. The sensational breaking news dominating ALL the front pages today (not really) is that Gemma has walked out of I’m a Celebrity. As regular […]

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Thumbnail image for Kim Kardashian: The Fifth Estate Must Try Harder.

Kim Kardashian: The Fifth Estate Must Try Harder.

November 19, 2014 Celebrity

Well I guess there’s nothing else going on today except the glittering diamanté that is Kim Kardashian. Technically this woman is the perfect embodiment of a rapper’s trash toy but buying into the Christmas fragrance of this moronic midget isn’t something I’ll be doing this year. Kim knows that over the Christmas period the soft-brained of this world will be buying […]

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Thumbnail image for Ed Milliband Gets Owned By Klass.

Ed Milliband Gets Owned By Klass.

November 18, 2014 Celebrity

We may as well prepare ourselves for another day of wondering how many more dirty brown puddles will Ed Milliband dive into before he realises he’s drowning in a sea of poop. Seen above looking like a constipated toddler throwing a pout tantrum, the leader of the Labour Party was joined by Myleene Klass and Sir Christopher Meyer on The Agenda last night. What […]

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