DAVID WALLIAMS: If you’ve been holding out for a single 31-year-old super model with one child, one dog and a terrible attitude then The Sun have good news for you this morning. David Walliams and his wife Lara Stone have split.
According to the nation’s favourite tabloid David Walliams was left devastated last night after watching his wife, Lara Stone walk out of their London townhouse. The tabloid say that she took their baby son Alfred and their little dog Bert with her.
Nobody knows why Lara left or where she went but I heard that she’s gone to live under a bridge (I didn’t hear that). Apparently the couple have agreed to a trial separation.
I guess Lara just couldn’t take it anymore. I mean, living with David must be like living with a pantomime horse and a sneaky little snake. And if you nodded your head and thought, “yes, I agree” well then I hate you. Poor David.
It’ll be weird to see David out on dates after this. Actually it’s hard to imagine him doing anything normal. He’s so much larger than life. He’s like the Mona Lisa and Nelson’s Column had a son.
I don’t know, Lara is a super model. Most super models sit at home all day and practice being annoying in the mirror. This is why very few of them can do better in life than to find a man like David Walliams.
Poor David. I sat in a cab with him once. It was parked outside his house. He refused to get out because the paps were waiting for him. We sat there for half an hour. The paps eventually got bored and left. Then we had tea.
So that’s that. I’m sure that before I hit publish on this mess, Lara will have scheduled a hand-holding photo-opportunity with her new boyfriend and I really hope that her new squeeze is Justin Bieber. He’s perfect for her.