The BBC don’t like messy exits. Murders, poisonings, suffocations are one thing but forcing the viewing public to watch a Great British Bake Off competitor having a bearded tantrum is quite another.
On last night’s GBBO contestant, Iain Watters let out a silent scream after he discovered that a fellow contestant, 69 year-old Diana Bird had removed his Baked Alaska pudding from her freezer just minutes before judgment time.
Because the show was filmed during a heat wave the ice cream in the middle of Iain’s creation had melted into a flaccid floppy mess. What should have looked like Boris Johnson’s wig, the ovaries of an albino panda and the vagina of a blanched unicorn it looked instead like a plate of sucked donkey balls.
Mrs Bird blamed the whole sloppy mess on Iain telling him: ‘Sorry Iain, it’s still there. Anyway you’ve got your own freezer haven’t you’.
Well that didn’t exactly turn Iain’s angry ass into a funnel of rainbows because he yelled back at Mrs Bird: ‘Why would you take it out of the freezer?’
When the show’s host Sue Perkins asked Iain how he intended to serve the slop-like mixture instead of saying something subtle and poignant like, ‘Don’t tell me what to do! You’re not my boss! Stop eating my food! Get out of my kitchen! I hate you’ Iain retorted: ‘I’ve got a serving suggestion for you’ and then poured his Baked Alaska into the nearest bin.
He then stalked off in a fury.
When it came to the judging Iain thought he’d be a cleaver ass and present the judges with his sponge, meringue and melted ice cream while it was still slopping around at the bottom of the bin!
He explained to the panel:
“I threw it in the bin because I didn’t want to present it. I didn’t want them to judge the way it came out so I’d rather present nothing. I’m gutted. I had some issues with the ice cream and I let the frustration of that get the better of me.”
Well, Iain might as well have pulled his pants down and rubbed himself because the judges response to his desperate pantomime was to slap him around the face with a resounding NOPE. Iain was then gently shuffled off to the nearest bus stop by the show’s support staff.
Media mogulling Simon Cowell and the woman he knocked up, Lauren Silverman, hit the red carpet at the X-Factorpress launch last night. They sure look happy together.
In fact, I can’t tell who looks the happier – the man who ran off with his best friend’s wife or his best friends ex-wife who found a ridiculously wealthy man to knock her up.
I’ve always thought that shame-filled baby making, home wrecking, gold digging and humping on mega rich celebrities must make one feel like you’ve hit the Lotto jackpot. But what do I know.
There are rumours that Simon might be marrying this woman. If these are true then Simon is more loved up than I thought he was. I mean seriously, who among us could resist a woman who believes in romance and fairytales, if not your offshore holdings. Certainly not me.
Now on to the Say Something Nice….okay….um…errr…um… well, those sunglasses look nice.
The media, Instagram, Twitter and the Kardashian Klan are obviously in CAHOOTS today because there’s nothing going on. Nothing at all. It’s a very very slow news day. Again!
I read that Kate Bush gave her first live concert for 35 years years last night and sang like a magical fairy on acid. But she didn’t bite her tongue off so there’s nothing I can say here that everyone else hasn’t already said.
I also heard that Lauren Goodger has admitted peeing in the CBB swimming pool. The papers say that Lauren’s celebrity housemates made her laugh in the pool while she was drunk. Nobody saw it coming until Lauren’s face contorted into a crafty pout that said, “I just peed in the water.” So the Mail et-al have given her a ride to the gossip columns. Oh shit!
However the best news for all you gutter-drunk party weasels today is that the Queen of glitter-covered filth dragons, Rita Ora has taken her drag act all the way to the columns of shame this morning.
Yes, Rita has admitted to having the magical moment of a lifetime – and one we all wish we could experience – by going to the VMA awards without wearing any underwear.
In an interview with Capital FM Rita was asked if she’d worn knickers under the red Donna Karan dress that she wore to the VMAs on Monday night. Rita replied: “Oh no, I didn’t actually! I just literally knew my angles and I made sure that I didn’t move!”
Part of me thinks that nothing could be worse than Rita’s weird ass posing on a red carpet, her horn of plenty filled with feathers, headless Barbie dolls and hot chilli sauce packets. Another part of me just wants to weep for her tragic loss of dignity.
Stalker people are so bizarre. Why would anyone want to stalk Coronation Street’s Alison King? I’ll admit that whenever I watch her on TV it feels like she’s talking to me and only me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to dress up as Batman to go through her trash. Okay, I might do that for Michelle Keegan, but never Alison King. I mean, Alison King?! Really?
What’s even crazier is that the Sun says Alison’s stalker might be a female nut-job who may have psychiatric problems. Oh, you think? I mean, stalking Alison King should automatically get you a one-way ticket to the loony bin. I could understand Stephen King the author, but Alison?! Okay, I’m just going to have to swallow this insane fact and deal with it.
Alison’s latest encounter with her stalker happened when she made an appearance at the Southport Flower Show on Merseyside this weekend. As Alison was talking to fans the lady stalker rushed towards her and tried to push a dossier of ramblings into her hand. Obviously security stepped in and the stalker was ejected from the event but it left Alison more than a little shaken.
This crazy lady has been stalking Alison’s ass for weeks now. Apparently she waits outside the studio gates and is a regular visitor to the Granada studio. A source said,
“This woman is a regular at the show studio and often waits by the gates. She seems to be obsessed with Alison and has been repeatedly warned by police and our security staff to back away.
Her behaviour has grown more intense and Alison is very distressed. The worry is the woman will find out where she lives.”
Alison now wants all possible security measures to be taken because she is now constantly looking over her shoulder and fears for her safety.
I’ve tied to imagine what this crazy stalker woman might look like. In my mind I see a woman around 4 feet tall, weighing 15 stone with a face covered in hairy moles. Her breath smells like fish and chips and she dresses in a Spider Woman outfit whenever she’s out stalking soap stars.
I don’t think her psychiatrist had this in mind when he told he told her to take up a hobby. Alison King?!!!??!!
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