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Rita Ora – Sexy Fish!

Rita ora-Sexy Fish-restaurant-campaign

We all know about Rita Ora and her auto-tuned vocals but nobody has ever mixed a fish and the chance of having sex with a hot woman before.

The Sexy Fish restaurant which is due to open in Berkeley Square later this month, is the latest addition to a chain of London restaurants owned by Caprice Holdings. In order to promote man’s domination over the seas they’ve hired Rita Ora’s cleavage to promote their delicious salad nicoise with a hint of cadmium isotope from Fukushima.

I mean really!

Some might call this an imaginative promotional campaign. Yes good idea chaps, lets dress her up as a mermaid. That says ocean and tons of chum like nothing else. Right chaps?

Well wrong chaps. While a mermaid is a great choice, it always reminds men how much they wanted to have sex with that girl from The Little Mermaid, even though she was half-fish… and that’s disgusting.

And Rita Ora? Are you kidding my ass? You’ve really got to love fish to order it with Rita staring back at you from the menu because now I’m thinking Cod Burger…with onion rings.

Most alley cats wouldn’t take the chance. But there’s no denying it, visiting the Sexy Fish restaurant might result in sex with Rita Ora. Or dysentery.

Oh I know, The Ivy, The Caprice, Sheekies and Scots – they’re all quality restaurants owned by Caprice Holdings – but grant me a little poetic here.

Ola Jordan – Strictly Calendar.

Ola Jordan, dream, Artpopper,calendar

Why would Strictly Come Dancing star Ola Jordan care what the BBC think about her sexy 2016 calendar? According to sources the calendar will be full of steamy pictures and ‘billions’ are being produced ready for Christmas. But who will buy all these calendars. I just don’t know.

BBC executives are concerned that this latest calendar could make the Strictly ladies seem too raunchy which would have a negative impact on it’s ‘family brand’.

However sources have also confirmed that whilst ‘auntie’ has spoken to Ola Jordan about their concerns the wicked Polish hussy HAS taken no damn notice.

Ola, who is married to James Jordan spoke to the Daily Mail:

“My new calendar will be as sexy as my last ones.”

I remember my Granma gave me a calendar when I was a kid. It had pictures of puppies in it and she’d tell me to look at the cute doggies then jab me with her finger when my attention wandered.

I learned not to trust pensioners. Or puppies. Or bloody wall calendars. They were all in on it.

Maybe if I could’ve looked at a woman with big boobs instead of a basket full of Labradors then I might be less ambivalent about the retirement age.

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Katie Hopkins – The Rage Is Gone.

Katie Hopkins,column, hate

Over the years journalists have observed that Fleet Street is, without question, one of the worst places on Earth to further your career. Everything is illegal, everything is expensive and everything is 1000 times harder than it should be. Unless you’re a parking-meter, because they have an entire branch of government dedicated to them. If you don’t believe me then ask Katie Hopkins.

For those who care, or just those of you who want another chance to write ‘horrible witch’ in the comments section of her weekly column, Mrs Hopkins’ career has gone on holiday. And, by holiday, I don’t mean a fanciful trip to the South of France, I mean, holiday as in mafia, ‘it’s time Katie took a little holiday’.

It may or may not be legal to deliberately kill off a persons career, I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer, but if it is, then Fleet Street has surely shown us the way.

Here’s how they’ve done it.

Firstly. The Katie Hopkins column of hate which was normally published each and every Friday by the Sun Newspaper is no more. Further. Her name has been expunged from the record. It’s gone and all her horrid articles have gone with her. Everything with Katie Hopkins’ name on it has been removed from the Sun’s website, it’s like she never existed.

Secondly. Despite the fact that Mrs Hopkins is due to join the MailOnLine next month it’s hardly a career enhancement. No. Quite the reverse.

People will now start trolling the comments section of the new column, plying it with ‘hatebait’. It will become a hater-raid of hatelicious proportion. Ultimately this will prove the final act in Hopkins’ salacious career of hate mongering.

Eventually people will stop visiting the MailOnline. Their traffic will start to vanish faster than a disappearing salami in an Italian restaurant.

And that their advertisers will not tolerate. Katie Hopkins will have to go.

Then the rage will be gone, and the anger will begin…

Artpopper.com, Photography Prints

Walton Ford: Pacific Theatre. SOLD!

Walton Ford,Leonardo Dicaprio,pacific theatre,Everybody wants to own piece of the artistry that is Walton Ford. Even our part-time overzealous neighborhood watch commander said he would remortgage his family for one of Walton’s paintings.

I can only imagine the groundswell of curiosity – what does Walton Ford actually do with his days?

I guess there must be many people asking that question today because Leonardo DiCaprio, who painted the Mona Liza, opened the bidding at $250k for one of Walton’s paintings at the Turtle Ball auction. which was held in New York.

The Turtle Ball auction, which was held in New York, brought together some very rich people and asked them to lay down six figures for designer paintings and some artistically created earbuds. The proceeds would be going to fight the good fight for endangered turtles around the world.

No. Not AIDS, Tuberculosis, or Malaria, TURTLES! Some artists call these auctions their personal ATM. When Bono sings about them everybody cries.

Pacific Theater,Walton Ford

Anyways. Lets get back on point.

When the auctioneer held up Walton Ford’s Pacific Theater DiCaprio placed the opening bid. $250,000. He thought he’d be outbid by the other guests, Patti Smith, Naomi Watts, Robert Kennedy Jr. and Richard Branson. But they all sat on their hands until the auctioneer declared DiCaprio as the winning bidder.

Oops and oh dear. Leonardo DiCaprio nearly fell off his chair, he pointed in disbelieve at Christie’s Loic Gouzer and art dealer Tico Mugrabi who were sat at his table. His eyes pleaded help me out here.

So eventually Gouzer agreed to split the $250,000 with DiCaprio.

And it all ended happily ever after.

Here’s why.

The Walton Ford painting is probably worth twice that paid which means one of these lucky fella’s is going to hang it in his loft and hear people say,  ‘Oh, I see you’re looking at my Pacific Theatre’. Yes Leonado, the ladies will surely swoon.

Yes, Richard Branson, the opening bid WAS a tactical one. Yes, Patti Smith, Leonardo DiCaprio and Walton Ford ARE close friends. Yes, Naomi Watts, the Pacific IS an ocean, not a theatre.

Katie Hopkins – A Rant Too Far.

Katie Hopkins,Jaxon Buell,tweet

We all know that social media has provided Katie Hopkins with a platform to rant about any subject that comes into her warped mind, including bleaching her anus, but yesterday this hateful woman went a ‘rantic’ too far.

This time, the priestess of anti-culture has ‘tweetied’ about a tiny baby and hasn’t given a damn about him as a person.

Here’s what happened.

Jaxon Buell was born last year with microhydranencephaly, which is an uncurable malformation of the brain. It means that his scalp is ridged – but that hasn’t stopped him from living life to the full. His parents Brittany and Brandon have been sharing his story in order to show other parents than the condition will not define Jaxon’s life.

And that’s how the lunatic prone to involuntary fits of narcissistic rage heard about him.

Tweeting about Jaxon yesterday Katie Hopkins branded him an ‘it’. See below.

Tweet, Katie Hopkins, Jaxon Buell

I know it’s easy to make fun of a celebrity who says stupid things or acts like a jackass because that’s what celebrities are supposed to do, but this from Katie Hopkins is just too hard to ignore.

Between her awful tabloid column and her even worse chat show (RIP), it’s pretty easy to want to pick this woman up by the feet and shake her until every last ounce of evil fat slides out of her pockets.

Seriously, when you look at pictures of her, in every one she looks like the face of a Boots branded testicle repellent. It’s almost impossible to not want to strangle someone like that.

Maybe the best thing Mrs Hopkins could do now is to put herself on a strict booze diet and stop watching gay porn. That way she’d stop seeing luminous ants crawling all over her ceiling at night and her hateful tweets would magically delete themselves.

It’d be a release for us all. Really, it would. Nobody would give a damn about her rantics anymore.

Oh well, until that time comes I’ll only have to post about her for what? Another twenty years?

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Delevingne – Musical Nightmare.

Cara Delevingne

By The ColdHeartedxx

Cara Delevingne is the media’s barely legal girlfriend who uses a satellite communication system to beam her ‘sapiosexual’ messages anywhere in the world in just three seconds.

In the latest message received from the Delevingne satellite she said she was in Brazil (for the Rock in Rio festival) and dancing around the maypole with Rihanna and Sam Smith. An addendum to the message said that she had visited a local music shop and bought herself a guitar.

Well the warning signs are there for all of us to see. Plain as day. Be afraid people, be very afraid. Unless someone can strap this scissoring blue blood into a Hannibal Lecter mask then her reign of lesbianic terror may soon be extended to Spotify and iTunes.

And then where shall we be?

Yes, we’ll be living in an auto-tuned nightmare, tainted by the love whose name we dare not speak. The media’s questions answered in musical blinks. A musical dreamland where shrunken models suck on cotton balls until they pass their own livers.

We’ll be surrounded by caterpillar eye-brows who’ll squirm and wiggle around while singing into the ears of the listening public.

Eventually the NHS will have to warn the world’s teenage future about the dangers of touching tongues with ‘lesbionic’ rainbows.

Simon Cowell and Syco productions will convene a priestly counsel to work out how to send this unquenchable Delevingne vampire back from whence she came before she grows a moustache and leaves them far far behind.

Yes, that’s where we’ll be.

And you thought that last night there was an eclipse of the moon….

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