Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace always knew that being a Jehovah’s witness would eventually have to way for making money. Pushing her boobies into underaged halter tops and acting crass at church events just wasn’t putting money in the bank. She was getting snapped, but no cash.
So at the age of 16 Aisleyne left home, took a beauty course and started dressing like the inexpensive stripper that your uncle took to your Mum’s second wedding. She went to lots of nightclubs, met Mike Tyson and learned how to uncross her legs for the paparazzi.
Now, with her circus sized tits, Aisleyne’s finally getting some peanuts. Celebrity Big Brother, men’s magazines, photo shoots, even Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe. It’s not a fortune, but it puts her on track for decent strip club money, fetish porn and a retirement age of 35. Then she can supplement her modest pension by selling her used underwear online.
It’s not the Katie Price story, but which of the them would you rather see upside down and naked a foot from your face. That’s right, Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace.
I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you dumb tool!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments in television history occurred right before my eyes. Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs fell down a hole.
It all happened during the BET Awards show which were being held at the Microsoft Theater in Los Angeles on Sunday night. During his performance to celebrate the 20th anniversary of his Bad Boy record label Diddy fell through the stage. Diddy quickly got up and then carried on, apparently unhurt.
I was getting so loose I fell! LOL, but really though I busted my ass! #AppleMusic IF YOU EVER FALL DOWN, get your ass up and FIGHT!!!!!!! But really though, I crack up every time I see this shit! It’s like I f**king disappeared. HAAAAAA!!!! I was scared as f**k but I had to get up! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 #BadBoyFAMILY#WeLikeHavingFun
I want to feel bad for him, but all I can think of is all those stupid ass names he’s gone by. Puffy, P. Diddy, Sean Comes, Puff, Piddly, Diddly, etc.. and now after this I’m sure his stupid ass is expecting us to call him by yet another name.
Because I don’t really think like a multicultural gang member from Harlem I don’t know whether I should headline this story with “Puffy Plunges,” Piffy Plummets or “Potty Plops.” Or just plain old “Sad Diddy Falls”.
Well, we all have our own definition of cool so let’s keep shit simple. Sad Diddy.
So now that that dumb little headline problem has been put to rest, we can now focus on more important things. Like watching Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs falling down a hole for real. Enjoy.
Last week self-proclaimed idiot Jeremy Clarkson said that BBC news 24 didn’t want you to watch the final episode of Top Gear because the licence fee payer no longer approves of complete clusterfucks like….. himself.
“Strange that BBC news is talking down the last Top Gear tonight. Do they not want big ratings for some reason?”
Well, the proof is in the pudding because last night’s final episode of Top Gear attracted just 5.8 million viewers.
Sources tell me that Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are taking the news in their stride, and by that I mean they’re hopelessly lost and confused. I heard that one of them tried to marry a Chippendale the other day.
I wouldn’t over think it if I were you. Just say thanks for the cultural pollution and move on. It should be interesting to see who Clarkson will try to disappoint in the future as, up to this point in his career he has alienated all personal contacts and family members.
Your fat mouth is your living Jeremy, perhaps they need a gobby Pastor in rural Tibet.
Just about everyone has now reported how comedian Simon Brodkin bum-rushed Kanye West as he headlined at the Glastonbury Festival on Saturday night. However, not so widely reported has been the flag of eternal shame!
Here’s what happened. A very resourceful youngster made a flag depicting Kanye West’s wife, Kim Kardashian sucking off Ray J. While Kanye West rapped around on stage like a cure for haemorrhoid’s that fabulous youngster just waved and waved his flag.
Everybody saw it. At last, the sex tape which broke the internet and the entire civilised world has finally been put to good use. Everybody saw it.
Kanye must have realized this. So veeking validation, he informed the crowd that they were “watching the greatest living rock star on the planet!” The definition of humble.
In the good old days rap gangstering, that youngsters’ body would have been found in a wheelie bin five minutes after that flag picture hit the web, but knowing Kanye West, he’ll probably respond by recording a song about his own multiple orifice experiences with the highest earning Kardashian.
And finally. Bear in mind that sex tape was made back in 2007 and just about everybody on Earth has seen it. Therefore the government should now purchase that flag and use it to educate teenage girls so they’ll be better prepared for their careers in porn when they turn 18.
According to the tabloid the couple have been have been arguing a lot recently and have not been seen together since April. Yesterday Jamie was spotted getting “touchy-feely” with an unnamed woman at the Glastonbury Festival while Kate spent the weekend sulking somewhere in the country.
True love is fragile. Especially when it’s between two of the dumbest people on earth. However, looking at Kate Moss and Sam Hince it seems hard to believe that they both may have agreed on divorce.
I get the feeling it might be Kate’s idea to get a divorce, and Jamie’s idea to stand outside the house and whimper while watching her silhouette bounce up and down in the bedroom window.