It’s a sad day for everyone when a middle-aged businessman has to appear in court to answer for his crimes against humanity. Ian Wilson, 56, has admitted squirting a water pistol at two women while they were shopping in Blackburn, Lancashire. The water pistol was full of Mr Wilson’s own urine.
The Mail reports that Blackburn Magistrates’ Court ordered Mr Wilson to pay £50 compensation to each of the women after he pleaded guilty to two charges of common assault.
AND here comes the worst part … the court also ordered Mr Wilson to surrender his water pistol!
Mr Wilson’s lawyer said that when the incident took place his client’s relationship with his wife had all but collapsed and that he was suffering from a mental breakdown.
And yes, the jokes write themselves.
Since we’re all hooting with laughter and taking the piss, let me tell you about what happened to my beloved her indoors (aka HiDs) last year.
After giving a splendid sample of her wee-wee for a routine check-up, HiDs claimed that she’d been the victim of urine theft. She said that she’d given her urine sample to the practice nurse and was horrified when her doctor said that she’d need to give another one because some crazy crazoo patient had stolen her first one.
Here’s what HiDs told me the day she got back from the surgery:
“The doctor said, ‘We asked you for a urine sample, so where is it’? I told him that I’d already given it to the nurse. So the doctor left and went off to find the nurse.
When he came back he said, ‘This is really embarrassing but another patient saw your sample on the nurses table and he stole it. So we are going to need another sample from you.’”
When I first heard this nonsense from my beloved I thought, way to cover your ass HiDs. She was probably so hopped up on her ladies little helpers (pills) that she thought her urine sample was a delicious lemonade, so she drank it.
Clearly she was too ashamed to tell the doctor that, so she made up this desperate lie.