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Dismaland – The Trailer.


Dismaland: I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say anything bad about Banksy, not ever. He’s talented, he’s quiet, he creates interesting things, and once he even tipped a waiter.

Every time one of the world’s most famous women takes off her clothes it’s a visual laxative for the tabloid soul and therefore it’s newsworthy. So I have to give a begrudging tick of respect to Daily Mail today who have reported on how Banksy has released a dark and sinister trailer for his Dismaland exhibition.

Tickets to the exhibition went on sale yesterday. Banksy’s website was selling them for £3 but his site crashed (twice) due to heavy levels of traffic.

I dunno, exhibitions they’re everywhere right now. Whenever I’m at a modern art exhibition and people are murmuring the word ‘genius’ about a vagina shaped sack of sand resting on an upturned coffee cup, I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. I just want to take my stupid tie off, grab a beer and watch some porn.

Dismaland is different. Banksy’s murals and installations are everywhere and they hold thought provoking messages for us all. His works make one think about our world and where it’s going. What are we doing with it and more importantly what are THEY doing with it?

The Dismaland experience makes me want to scream. Scream about the plastic bags that come floating across the ocean from those littering folk in NYC. I feel an irrational need to burn my girlfriend’s designer dresses on a fire of Greek coloured bank notes. I want to shout my protest about Hitler’s brain fluid being encased in the corporate strategies of greed.

That’s right, Dismaland makes me want to be a better global citizen.

I know, in the end I’ll probably do very little, other than moan and pay my tax bill a month in arrears – vat’ll lern ’em.

Anyway, here’s that trailer I mentioned.

Ricky Gervais v American Gun Lobby.

Ricky Gervais, American Gun Lobby,Twitter

Ricky Gervais. As you will have heard two young people were shot dead yesterday at a shopping plaza in America. They were journalists conducting an interview at the Bridgewater Plaza in Virginia.

WDBJ7 news station reporter Alison Parker, who was just 24, and her cameraman Adam Ward, 27 were both killed when ‘Bryce Williams’ – a disgruntled fellow employee of the station turned up at the interview and shot them both stone dead. He later died after turning his gun on himself.

I only need look at my status updates to know that pretty much everyone in the media now has an infallible diagnostic as to why these murders took place. Journalists across the world have penned 1,000 word essays about why Williams did what he did. They’ve all gleaned their information from the scant evidence available, social media and their own levels of genius.

Some have suggested that it was a long build up of dissociative psychosis, others that Williams felt he had been working in a racist monoculture for far too long. A couple or three whackjobs have suggested that he did these terrible deeds because his parents originally named him Vester Lee Flanagan the second.

So there’s your statistical correlation right there but the cold hard truth is simple. Another lunatic jumped out of his gimp closet, bought a gun and then shot two innocent people with it. Really, it’s that simple.

Last night because none of the tabloid newspapers were focused on what type of tampon Britney Spears is currently using comedian Ricky Gervais had nothing to read. So he took to his Twitter and spoke out against America’s crazy-assed gun laws, his hatred of bombs and dental floss.

Here’s what he had to say, “Shocked by the insanity of the Virginia shooting. My thoughts are with the loved ones and I hope we will find a solution to the madness that is guns.

Many of Ricky’s 10m followers saw that and tweeted ‘Me too!’

However not all agreed. Some dopey twat tweeted ‘guns aren’t the problem. Everyone who isn’t a killer should be allowed to have one.

Ricky responded. “Hahaha. Perfect.‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’ …. yeah, people with fucking guns!  ”

Then Ricky followed it up with this…

Ricky Gervais Twitter

So there you have it. The American Gun lobby in action. They’ll probably now start a petition to stop Ricky Gervais entering the United States. They’ll nail it to a tree like a wanted poster for the black Robin Hood.

I know, they’ve got guns, so they’re probably going to win this little contest.

Art Prints

Street Artists: Banksy v Robbo.

Street Artists,Banksy, robbo, graffiti, wars

Here’s the conundrum in dealing with street artists. Either they’re truly talented, in which case they’re  a self-obsessed, impossible, mood swinging pain in the ass. Or they’re not, in which case they’re a self-obsessed, impossible, mood swinging pain in the ass who’s also skint.

I don’t know how the pay-per-view system works for wall daubing street artists, but I do know they get paid a lot more than me.

I’ve often wondered if art magazines actually pay graffiti stars like Banksy and Robbo to express themselves in street murals so that they can write about them and thus feel more connected with the urban landscape into which they’ve rarely ventured.

I mean do they? Yes, of course they do. Why not.

All of that was stupid. Beyond stupid. Now might be a good time to mention that all that garbage above was written shortly after the paintings on my wall came to life and shouted “Get to the point Mike D.W”

Which brings me nicely round to this. Why would two street artists with more ego than sense go to war over a patch of dis-used nowhere land in South London?

Let me hand you over to a wall who’ll take it from here.

street artists,banksy-robbo-grafitti-fightI think the answer to this whole Banksy v Robbo situation is to have a man in a bathrobe follow them around with a rolled-up newspaper. If either of them do anything this bad again then they should get smacked across the snout.

If their behavior continues then they should be taken to the Battersea dog pound for a quick euthanizing.

Yes, then we’ll tell all their fans that they went to live on a farm. Or something.

Art Prints

Cecil The Lion Outfit.

Cecil the Lion,murdered, Newsmediaimages.com

Cecil the Lion: I’m still not sure why millions of Americans dress up in Halloween costumes each and every October. But they do. That’s why selling Halloween costumes online has become a hugely competitive business.

Because innovation doesn’t run in a straight line neither does the road to an online vault. So in order to follow the money and find their way to Banco de Easystreet the schemer clods of Costumeish.com sat down to have a little think about increasing their sales.

They thought way beyond adorable ghost (white sheet) or Dracula (plastic fangs). They even managed to think beyond Drunk and Slutty too.

When their finks were nearly all funk Costumish thought about the world’s most beautiful creature (Cecil the Lion) and the world’s most evil dentist (Walter Palmer). Yes. Why not? Turn them into a ‘Lion Killer Dentist’ costume.

Great thought thunk. Go right ahead. Call the Chinese. Sweat shops – sewing machines – products – website – sales – Halloween = RICHES!!!!!

Now millions of Americans can celebrate Halloween by wearing a bloody dentist’s smock and a severed lion’s head. How macabrely original. Here, have an apple with a razor blade inside.

The Costumeish outfit is now on sale for nearly £40. And now the people who save the world one indignant comment at a time have taken to social media.

They’re all saying that dressing up like Satan or the hooker version of Cinderella is cool, but mocking the opéra bouffe that was the death of Cecil the Lion is verboten.

Costumeish.com have responded by saying that 15% of all their proceeds will go to the African Wildlife Foundation #JusticeforCecil.

Well there’s a solid marketing technique right there. Stand out, give something back. That’s nice. Generous even.

However, I’m going to guess that anyone who will pay to dress up like a murdering butcher may also lean toward a little duplicity themselves.

Well, probably.

Sell Art Online

Porpora Painting Punched.

Paolo Porpora-hole-boy-punched-newsmediaimages

Everybody wants to see a cherished piece of Paolo Porpora artwork exhibited on a wall. However, nobody wants to see a dullabolical child punching a hole through it.

Unfortunately that’s exactly what a 12-year-old Taiwanese boy did over the weekend when he played out every artist’s nightmare.

Here’s what happened.

The unnamed child was wandering aimlessly around the Face of Leonardo: Images of a Genius exhibition in Taipei when he tripped and broke his fall on a 350-year-old painting by Paolo Porpora. In doing so Satan’s most stupid of children managed to punch a hole right through the middle of the oil on canvas painting.

According to experts the Pablo Porpora work is valued at $1.5m. Was valued, I meant to say.

In the footage below you will see the bumbling dimmock walk past the still life painting while holding a fizzy drink. Then the foolish boy appears to forget how to put one foot in front of the other. He stumbles and then breaks his fall on the Porpora.

And there you have it. Evil personified.

I can only imagine what this boy does with his days. Walking practice perhaps? Steps. Put your left foot forward, now the right one. Very good stupid little boy. Now repeat.

I have some lucky fella down for dialling up the owner and saying, ‘Oh, I noticed your Porpora had a slight finger mark on it so I cut a hole and now it’s gone’.

According to the Focus Taiwan News the organisers have said that they will not be asking the boy’s family to pay for the restoration costs. (Really? Why not?)

The exhibition organiser, Sun Chi-hsuan, said whilst the boy was very nervous he could not to be blamed (Again. Really? Why not?) and that because the painting was part of a private collection it was insured.

Stock Markets Crash – 2015.

Stock markets-crash-newsmediaimages

Yesterday the world’s stock markets plummeted faster than a poodle’s pecker at a Peking dog show. They were kind of asking for it. After all this was the global stock market.

Yes, the stock markets all crashed and burned amid panic over the Chinese economy. It’s been reported that more than £70bn was wiped off the value of Britain’s top companies alone.

In the United States stocks also crashed within minutes of the Dow J opening. A former US Treasury Secretary warned of a ‘serious situation.’ In the UK George Osborne said that the world stock markets crash was just a little bit ‘concerning’.

I’m not one to preach, but this mess sounds like it was inspired by, if not ripped off from, the makers of Viagra who have long since claimed responsibility for the city’s professional achievements

I always believed that it was hard work, dedication, charity or something equally stupid which would make a man healthy wealthy and wise. Silly me. Wrong. It’s shiftiness, dishonesty and playing with other people’s money.

It’s true, for a long time now these disreputable city traders have claimed the moral high ground in the expectation of what constitutes a fair day’s pay. How loudly have we heard them declaring that their inflated pay cheques were justified, simply the going rate, a fair reward for their daily endeavours.

Oh yes, these city traders were the ultimate in ‘content with their lot’.

Well I can barely put two and two together and make four but that certainly sounds like a blue pill short of a calculator. And that’s right everyone our world is going broke again.#thankyouverymuch. #citytraders.

But y’know, I’ve been through this struggle before, not being rich nor particularly well off. I’ve got my secrets. In fact the TRUTH is all in the big red capitals I’ve scrawled  across my curriculum vitae. No, don’t you throw me on your bonfire just yet Messrs Daily Mail because I’ve already won. I mean lost.

So let’s show these city traders how to invest in something that they can wear but don’t need to drive.

Wear gold. While wearing a golden chunk of precious metal you won’t become the victim of an impromptu strangulation. You’re protected as gold represents a return from purgatory. Just put your best foot forward when you step into the den of wasted welfare recipients where, with any luck, you’ll get what’s coming to you.

(BTW: Always remember chaps that someone will phone the cops if they ever find that dead hooker you stuffed in your recycling bin.)

Just kidding. There is no neutral zone here, not for a city trader, you’re all fucked but you were kind of asking for it.

Now, let me show you the world stock markets, they’re right here on the front page of this ~~>  newspaper.

Finally, it’s the long goodbye fellas, it was nice knowing you. Now, say hello to Spock….