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Newsjacker Reacts To Celebrity News.


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For a newsjacker like me a slow-ass news day + a slow-ass news week = another boring day where all the celebrity columns are full of non stories.

I mean stories about Katie Price moving to Australia – Kim Kardashian going ‘back to black’ – the funniest man on TV is desperately striving to become even funnier (Stephen Fry to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear) are actually masquerading as ‘Breaking Celebrity News’ today.

Between supermodels banging on my door and pirates trying to steal my treasure, this kind of nonsensical twaddle has kept me pretty busy this week.

By busy I mean sifting through an endless array of mushy mashy headlines in pursuit of something ANYTHING interesting to voice my unsavoury opinion about.

That’s right, it sure as hell has been a dog eat dog world out there this week.

I don’t know about you but headlines like, “Holy Moly, Ellie Goulding Holds Hands With Dougie Poynter” (Mail) “Jennifer Lawrence Goes Spinning” (People Magazine) and “Will Young re-enters Hall of Fame – Releases New Album” (Sun) just don’t cut the mustard for me.

Yeah, shit’s been real on the streets this week alright. I mean, apart from copying each other’s Zayn Malik stories WTF have Fleet Street’s most beautiful been doing all week? Their damn make up?

Oh I know, you write like a bitch and then someone steals your story. However my message to the luscious lovelies of Fleet Street is this;

Newsjacker: Newsjacking is the art and science of injecting your own ideas into a breaking news story and generating tons of media coverage and social media engagement around it.

Unlike all of you I’m a newsjacker, that’s my job. I don’t produce exclusive reports sourced from an army of unnamed insiders. That’s your job.

No girls, my job is to sit here, drink tea and throw shit balls at all of your reports. That’s what a newsjacker does. So please girls gimme something to jack-off to.

I guess I’m the lucky one here, at least I don’t have to explain my lack of performance this week to an editor. I am the bloody editor.

But if I did have to explain myself then I’d probably be told the same thing as you. You’re fired!

Directioners: #CutForZayn Trends.


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Poor sad Directioners – the world has stopped spinning.

When Zayn Malik said he was leaving One Direction toddler life across the world was turned inside out and upside down. The news really hit them hard. A conspiracy of sadness swept the globe.

Harry Styles may or may not have wept as the ‘One Direction Quartet’ sang their  “Best Song Ever” in Jakarta the other night but that was nothing compared to the tornado of tears that has flooded Twitter and social media sites ever since.

Woe are the Directioners. School playgrounds and kindergartens remained empty yesterday, because what child wants to play or laugh when their religion is falling apart?

Now thousands of Directioners, who weren’t fed a crushed Valium with their Sugar Puffs, have let Liam know that they still love him, adore him, worship him. But they just can’t go on without him. No, they just can’t.

#CutForZayn is a hashtag which is currently trending on Twitter. More than 4,600 tweets a minute are hitting the worldwide timeline as Directioners post pictures of their slashed arms and [more disturbingly] encourage others to follow suit. [click to continue…]

Jeremy Clarkson Has Been Sacked.


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Jeremy Clarkson has been sacked. SACKED! After days of speculation the BBC Director General, Tony Hall has gone ahead and sacked the nation’s most controversial figure, Jeremy Clarkson.

Yes, it’s sad but it’s true. Despite over a million people signing a petition to have Clarkson reinstated [to Top Gear] after he was suspended for punching that bitchy little producer, Oisin Tymon in the mouth the hallowed BBC sent out a press release this afternoon confirming everyone’s worst fears. See below.

[click to continue…]

David Beckham – Bearded Genius.


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Nowadays it seems that when you’re a world-famous hipster like David Beckham you can only call yourself trendy if you’re sporting a cumbersome beard.

I first saw this picture in the Daily Mirror. Unfortunately for me their excellent reporter, Zoe Shenton has taken all the best turns of phrase.

For example:  ‘Heavily tattooed torso’ – ‘bulging biceps’ – ‘impressive bushy beard’ and ‘looked rather handsome.’ Those turns of phrase have all gone. Zoe took the lot. Nothing left for me.

Ordinarily I’d call time on this one now and move right along. However, it’s another slow-ass news day, there’s nothing going on and I really must post something to NMi.

So….

As you can see from the picture David has grown a face full of ‘beard-age.’  It’s so damn ‘beardazzling’ it will probably make Victoria hand over her credit card and tell David the pin number.

That said, slinky sly Vici spice knows that whilst David looks like a bearded pitbull there’s posh amounts of money to be made. [click to continue…]

Jaguar XF Hi-Wires Thames.


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Introducing the hi-wired Jaguar XF.

Are you a soulless muppet who’s bored with watching Top Gear’s star in a reasonably priced car? Are your wheels too ordinary to get noticed? Is your motor too ugly to get pregnant? Does the mystery of how an elf mounts a giant fascinate you?

I’m not sure about the last one but those are the questions which faced Ian Callum, Director of Design, at Jaguar Cars recently.

Yes, Ian looked at his company’s Jaguar XF and wondered how people were ever going to notice their flagship car. How could they make it stand out in a crowd?

Never aspire to be the same as everyone else, do something different you’ll get noticed that way. Do something different, thought Ian…. but what? [click to continue…]

Madonna: Radio 1 Deny ‘Ageism’ Snub.


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If you’re an elderly person and don’t have Snapchat on your iPhone then it’s probably because the Werther’s Original app has taken up all your free disc space. And that means you didn’t get to hear Madonna’s new tune “Living For Love” when it premiered there last month.

Yes Madonna’s “Living For Love” debuted on Snapchat’s Snap Channel section, (whatever the hell that is) and the app’s 200 million users simply ignored it.

In fact you probably didn’t hear Madonna’s new tune when she tried to perform it at the Brit Awards either. That’s because she fell off the damn stage. OK… and the world was too busy laughing to hear it.

RADIO 1. They’ve ignored her Living For Love tune too by not including her song on their latest playlist. When Madonna found out she accused them of snubbing her ageing bones and called the station “a bunch of ageism terrorists.” [click to continue…]