Make Smells Like Kim Kardashian.

by Mike D.W on July 25, 2014

in Celebrity

Kim Kardashian, Kayne West, surveillance cameras,installed,house,toilet,loo-cam-frangrance,film,funny,If you want to launch a classic womans fragrance that brings style, sophistication and polish then you’re going to need an advertising agency, some moody selfies and a video clip with a fresh perspective.

Take a page out of the shameless fame whore guide by sending your husband off to the local Spy Shop to buy a high-tech surveillance camera. Then get him to install it in your loo.

Now, sit your ass down and let the camera do the work. It will record all your stomach growls while you chomp raw toilet paper like it was something out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe book.

When you’ve finished making a complete mess of yourself put the film in a parcel along with your selfies and then Fed-Ex it to your advertising agency.

Voila! Eau De Toilet- by Kim Kardashian.

I’ll have to wait till I get really stoned to understand any of that, but I’m sure it’s the only explanation I have as to why Kayne West would install loo cams in the bathrooms of his house.


Shia LaBeouf,arrest,legals,actor,charges,Manhattan Criminal Court,Broadway,show,Cabaret,After being handcuffed for slapping asses, smoking and acting insane during a musical on Broadway last month smellard smellbag Shia LaBeouf found himself standing before a judge in the Manhattan Criminal Court today.

The smellarocious actor was facing charges of harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal trespass for allegedly yelling abuse and slapping actors during their opening performance of ‘Cabaret‘ on June 26.

In court the actor spoke only to confirm his name and nodded as the charges were read out to him.

His lawyer, G. Robert Gage told the judge that he and the prosecutor were still trying to work out an agreement so the case was adjourned until September 10th.


Nicola Roberts: Hot Flush Of The Day.

by Mike D.W on July 24, 2014

in Celebrity

Nicola Roberts,singer,Girls Aloud,Nandos,peri-peri,opens,restaurant, Gatwick,sauce,funny,lol,Damn it’s turning into a slow news day, Fleet Street should be shut down and prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making celebrities look like fish.

I knew this day would come and now it’s finally here, just in time for the end of the world. I’ve read every inch of the gossip columns today and now I’m covering the story of a former girl bander who opened a restaurant in Gatwick’s south terminal.

I’m about to write about Nicola Roberts and how her public engagements are so full of desperation that I just want to slather her in peri-peri sauce and eat her whole. All in the name of ‘gossip-in-limbo’ you understand.

This BREAKING NEWS story was first reported by the mailonline at around midnight and then I picked it up this morning. Congratulations to us all.

Most us know that the mailonline creates some major shit bombs (see: Chilli Sauce Kills Donkey) but their source on this story failed to tell them that whilst opening a new Nandos restaurant at Gatwick airport yesterday, Nicola Roberts not only trashed the last of her relevancy but she also suffocated in the ladies toilet after one of her freckled poops exploded.

And there’s my explanation for Hot Flush of the Day!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have better things to do with my life today….

Sun-front-peaches-inquestToday The Sun’s front page looks like that picture above as they report on the inquest into the sad death of Peaches Geldof which happened last April.

When her death was first reported everyone said that no trace of the baddest of all bad – heroin – was found anywhere in Peaches’ house but that the police suspected somebody had gotten rid of any drugs/paraphernalia before the cops had showed up.

Yesterday a coroner told an inquest in Gravesend, Kent that those reports were all wrong and that Peaches’ death had only happened because she’d taken an overdose of heroin.

The inquest was told that Peaches was a hopeless heroin addict and that she’d been using for several years before her death. Apparently when the police searched her home they did find drugs and associated paraphernalia including burnt spoons, syringes and hundreds of pounds worth of ‘high quality’ heroin.

The inquest also heard that during a post-mortem examination puncture marks were found on the front of Peaches’ right elbow and more on the front of her right thigh.

If you check in the ashtray of your car and count the loose change you keep in there you’ll probably find that you have about half of NMi’s picture budget for the entire month. This is why I’m grateful to the anonymous Reddit user who sent in this picture below, sad though it is.

Peaches Geldof,heroin,overdose,inquest,death,cause,coroner,Bob,daughter,picture,puncture marks,thigh,

The question mark has now been erased over the cause of poor Peaches’ death, her messy antics are over. She’d been doing that dragon chasing shit, she fucked around with an insanity just for a quick second. Her life ended in a puddle of vomit on the floor.

Rest in Peace – Peaches Geldof.


Thumbnail image for Rant On Katie Rant On….

Rant On Katie Rant On….

July 23, 2014 Celebrity

Go ahead, start pouring that vodka into your bathtub now, because you’re going to have to soak your body in a whole lot of booze after you’ve read the latest chapter in the messy and sad marriage that has become Katie Price’s latest pay cheque. For over a week now Fleet Street’s literary journal of truth, The Sun […]

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Thumbnail image for Twitter Troller Threatens To Rape Maria Fowler.

Twitter Troller Threatens To Rape Maria Fowler.

July 23, 2014 Celebrity

Former Towie star Maria Fowler says she’s being stalked by an internet troll who has threatened to blow up her house and then rape her. Detectives with the Derbyshire police force are investigating after Maria told them that a rape-threatening troller messaged her on Twitter about a week ago. Before this story made it to the Sun or any […]

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Thumbnail image for Myleene’s Two Piece Pap Pose.

Myleene’s Two Piece Pap Pose.

July 21, 2014 Celebrity

For the past month or so the paparazzi on the island of Ibiza have been wandering the beaches wondering what to do with themselves. Every so often they’d come across a dead seahorse lying in the sand and they’d burst into tears as they remembered all the beautiful staged bikini moments they’d had with Myleene […]

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Thumbnail image for Mad Madge Gets Parking Ticket.

Mad Madge Gets Parking Ticket.

July 21, 2014 Celebrity

Welcome to the ‘made-up news’, a post where most of the content has been exaggerated in order to fill the white spaces left between the facts and the truth. After eating at London’s Firehouse restaurant on Saturday night the queen of pension-pop, Madonna returned to her car only to find a parking ticket tucked under her windscreen wiper. The thing, […]

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Thumbnail image for There Are No Words….

There Are No Words….

July 19, 2014 Celebrity

Forget all about the other workouts because ‘Chutercise’ is the only workout you’ll ever need. One of our nation’s finest blooms, Helen Flanagan, is here to show us how to burn the fat with parachutes. Yes, chute chute chute, chute like you’re Jane Fonda galloping through a field of daisies while being chased by a swarm […]

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Simon Cowell: Too Gay Or Not Too Gay?

July 18, 2014 Celebrity

He may dress like a gay on a budget but that doesn’t mean the ladies should stop throwing their underwear at Simon Cowell. No sireee. During ‘that drugs trial’ over at Southwark Crown Court yesterday the jury were played a secret recording in which Gareth Varey was heard to tell undercover reporter, Mazher Mahmood that Simon Cowell is gay. The recording: […]

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Thumbnail image for Lets Feel Sorry For Lily Allen Today.

Lets Feel Sorry For Lily Allen Today.

July 17, 2014 Celebrity

“Know when to shut-up” isn’t just one of the taglines for Lily Allen’s new single URL Badman. It’s also what everybody is saying to themselves now they’ve heard her latest contribution to the music industry’s growing mountain of turds. Lily is still trying to be a huge musical success story yet Britain is still trying to tell […]

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Thumbnail image for Jeremy Kyle Goes To Magaluf. Gets Peppered.

Jeremy Kyle Goes To Magaluf. Gets Peppered.

July 16, 2014 Celebrity

In hell’s only franchise on Earth (aka Magaluf) sex-hungry slusters have been going crazy over discounted cocktails for months now. So when trash is acting like trash everyone in the British media calls them trash, right? Wrong, when trash is acting like trash, Jeremy Kyle calls them uneducated. That is his insult for everything and everybody. […]

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Thumbnail image for A Blind Post: Hope For Madame Moody?

A Blind Post: Hope For Madame Moody?

July 16, 2014 Celebrity

If you happen to see a bald woman running down the street screaming, “NOOO” don’t pay any attention to her. It’s just the Mirror’s Madame Moody. Yes, Clemmie Moody lost her mind and tore out all her hair because she wasn’t allowed to even think the word “marriage” while in One Direction’s presence and now one of […]

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