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Donald Trump, tweets, Marla Marples,

The carousel of destruction that is the American political system spins faster with each passing day. That’s right, just when you thought Donald Trump couldn’t get any worse he opens his twattering mouth and twitters again.

Nothing is shocking anymore. President Donald Trump could punch a baby in the face or call Mother Teressa a zoo monkey and you’d just shrug your shoulders.

Last week, Trump went on another of his Twitter rants. In a series of tweets he admitted that he’d given classified information away to the Russians. A gift, a freebie!

Can this be true? A gibbering buffoon fresh from the rubber room can throw classified secrets at anyone on the planet and not be guilty of treason? This is beyond frightening.

This latest act of incompetence came hot on the heels of Trump firing his FBI director James Comey who, coincidentally was leading an investigation into his campaign’s ties with Mother Russia.

In an effort to assure the American people that the current threat level has decreased to WTF, Trump stated that the firing of Comey was not an attempt to obstruct the course of justice. No sir, Comey was fired because he was crap at his job.

So there you have it, masterful mockery at it’s finest!

The relationship that Trump’s election campaign may have had with Russia raises the thorney issue of Michael Flynn’s short tenure as his national security adviser. You’ll remember how Flynn was forced to resign after being caught giving hand jobs to the Russians on the very day Obama issued new sanctions against them.

Everyone is now looking at the Oval Office like, “hmmm,”

Most Unfairly Treated Politician In History

Yesterday President Trump faced another crisis. This time the word IMPEACH was thrown into the mix.

Al Green, a Democratic congressman from Texas has called for Trump’s impeachment citing his campaign’s ties with Russian and the dubious sacking of FBI director James Comey.

This was most unfair retorted Trump. Speaking (ranting) at a coastguard graduation ceremony in Connecticut the US President squawked that no politician in history” had been “treated worse or more unfairly” than himself.

Trump has also been excusing his aides for not giving journalists accurate information. He has threatened the “fake media” by suggesting that he may stop press briefings altogether.

Everyone is now waiting for Sean Spicer to hose the White House Press corps down with a fire extinguisher because they’ve been lying to him.

It’s worth Googling the names of people who expose things about Donald Trump that make him feel uncomfortable.

Take his ex-wife Marla Maples for example. According to a report she employed a ghost writer to write a tell-all book about her marriage to Trump. The book was scheduled for publication during the election campaign.

Marla’s book never made it to print.

It begs the question. How much would you pay to stop the world from knowing that your ding-a-ling is the size of a Cheeto? Clearly we’re looking at a baby carrot here. No, it’s fine, seriously it’s big.

Donald Trump is now spiraling out of control, a ludicrous buffoon trolling anyone outside of his immediate family. Please don’t start a war.

Election Day – You decide….


jeremy-corbyn,theresa-May,Election,Election day will be here soon but will we still be here or will the World have been blown to smithereens by then? After all Donald Trump has just got cross with Kim Jong-Un again. Donald hates Kim and is threatening to blow the fat off his face with the biggest bomb since Hiroshima. Let’s face it – things are not looking good over there in North Korea.

Election day is coming to Britain and deciding who to vote for isn’t as easy as spotting an elephant in a cupboard. No sir, some of the British public are still undecided on who will make the best Prime Minister. Even legitimate reporters and academicians seem divided over the true impact of this election.

So what’s going on? Your friends on Facebook are busy signing petitions so that refugees can set up bean shops in North London, while crotchety old men and angry college girls are protesting in the streets.

They’re obviously not protesting enough because the gap between those working for a pay cheque and those young and stupid enough to think they can change the world while Daddy subsidises their rent has never been wider.

Is this election about the political philosophy you cherish while drinking wine and discussing Karl Marx? Or is it more to do with control, power and money?

Who knows, perhaps it’s the latter.

So who do we want to be the next Prime Minister? Do we want a left wing socialist who is threatening to choke us to death on taxpayer funded steroids or do we want a true blue Tory who will keep us flush in false hope, monopoly money and little else?

Lets consider the candidates:

Tories – Theresa May.

Some people believe that it’s time for a female Prime Minister. Any female will do. Just pick one and we’ll pretend she’s amazing at everything she does. Honest, hardworking, selfless, sturdy, excellent legs.

You could ask Theresa May’s supporters to name her top three achievements but they will simply retort with their campaign slogan,  

I’m With Her – Any Her Will Do.”

That’s not a reasoned answer but this isn’t about reason. This is about electing a woman and it will change everything.

Theresa really wants to be the next Prime Minister and so do the vast majority of the media. Maybe that’s why they ignore her deplorable record and frightening facial expressions.

Labour – Jeremy Corbyn.

Despite the fact that thousands of young Labour party activists have declared Jeremy Corbyn as their hippy atheist god almighty, every pollster is predicting he will lose this election by a country mile.

I’m reluctantly forced to admire these young utopian dreamers. Before you get your first crappy job or unwanted pregnancy or lousy marriage this is the time to dream of a perfect world.

Yes, this is Jeremy’s world, where everybody chooses bikes over cars, the homeless are no longer hungry, alcoholics are misunderstood poets and the guy at Starbucks makes £40:00 an hour.

But Jeremy’s politics aren’t about childish dreams are they. No they’re about his manifesto being dropped in the trashcan of reality.

Finally, Brexit.

Has Brexit has made our people less tolerant or more open minded? What used to be reasoned debate has now been high-jacked by the five hundred people that you’ve friended on Facebook because they think just like you do. Now you’re certain you’re right. Debate has been replaced by emojis and likes.

It really doesn’t matter now. Soon your days of open travel to Italy for the amazing Venice festival will be over. You will need to get a visa at the airport.

Yeah, Brexit. The people have spoken. Was this democracy in action or will it ultimately prove to be repression at the hands of that vengeful Eurocrat Jean Claude Juncker?

You decide.

General Election – Now Hiring.


General Election,News-media-imges,By now everyone must know that the 8th June is the day that Britain holds a General Election. If you believe Teresa May then this is also the day that everyone wakes up to find themselves less fat, less unhappy and recycling has become sexy again.

General Election. Who to vote for?

I’m not sure who would ruin our country better? The Workers Socialist Party, Labour or the Conservatives. Personally I’m in favour of the United Voices of Samba Socialists. Not heard of them? Well head over to the Brazilian consulate where you’ll see models showing off their legs.

What is an election manifesto?

An election manifesto is a document which is published by a political party. It launches a series of political pledges on a range of different issues. These papers are then critiqued by anyone with an axe to grind. After the election these manifestos are torn up and largely ignored. 

This General election poses a number of questions for me and I’m not seeing them answered in any party political manifesto.

For example. Will ten thousand pounds pay my rent next month? Why is there no exchange rate for the Greek drachma? What does Jeden Biały Coffe proszę” mean?

What about the pollsters? They can read the prevailing winds like Victoria Beckham can read an OBE.

Seriously, they can. If the pollsters come out for Jeremy Corbin then it’ll be less about his political philosophy and more about a life-line for a scandal-plagued old fool that nobody likes.

What about the TV news stations? They’ll spend the next six weeks grabbing their viewers by the ankles and dragging them back to the chunky hellscape that was the 2015 general election. Although, compared to what’s happening now, I look back at those innocent, sweet days with a degree of fondness.

The voters.

Most over the age of 50 will bitch and posture. Then they’ll vote UKIP. If anyone younger than 30 actually bothers to vote, then the Green Party will be neck and neck with Plaid Cymru, after agreeing that cannabis should replace war and 90% is an appropriate tax rate.

The Politicians:

I have but one word for politicians. Narcissistic Bags of Delusion. I know, like politicians everywhere, I lied. That was three words.

 

Kim Jong-un: A Close Shave For North Korea.


Kim Jong-un, hairstyle.hairstyle,

It continually baffles me that Kim Jong-un still describes North Korea as a country. To me it’s a dysfunctional work camp full of emaciated peasants all sporting ‘happy crappy’ haircuts.

It’s true as it is ridiculous. Ever since 2015 North Korean men have been made to wear their hair in the same style as Supreme leader Kim Jong-un. Known as the “ambitious” style North Korean men are forced to keep their hair less than 2cm in length and cut in a sweptback bouffant with shaved sides.

Unfortunately some North Koreans are less than thrilled about the look. A former Pyongyang resident (now living in China), told the Korea Times that the Kim Jong-un haircut is highly unpopular because it apparently resembles the ‘Chinese smuggler’ style.

The Kim Jong-un look may be unpopular but maybe it’s one way to keep Donald Trump off the front page. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if the Supreme Leader had a sense of style but no, you can’t part the skin of a sausage.

I’m not sure what this all means in the greater scope of world affairs but when you put on a state sponsored uniform there are certain inhibitions that you have to accept. Apparentley western hairstyles are not the subtle pantomime that armchair activists are looking for in North Korea.

Ah, to be young and free in North Korea in the spring time. At least the people don’t spend valuable smile time complaining about their plastic surgery while leafing through a Helena Bonham-Carter catalogue of designer gowns.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words—well words might just spark a nuclear war.


Shia LaBeouf,Art Project,He-will-not-divide-us, trump-protest,art

On a white wall watched over by the occasional lesbian and a live stream camera the Shia LaBeouf living art project titled “He Will Not Divide Us” has been shut down for the forth time. Shia LaBeouf’s anti-Trump ‘art daub’ was originally painted on a wall outside New York’s Museum of the Moving Image on the day of Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The idea, which involves the live video streaming of Shia LaBeouf (and others) chanting “He Will Not Divide Us” into a camera lens was first intended to run for the duration of Donald Trump’s presidency.

However, the museum involved quickly closed this Shia Labeouf buffoonery down after declaring that violence (caused after LaBeouf hired a gaggle of out of work actors pretending to be neo-Nazis thugs) had resulted in gunshots being heard near the installation.

I so agree with you, this all sounds very alt-right and yes, Shia LaBeouf certainly understands the value of drama.

Anyways, Shia’s “He Will Not Divide Us” attempt at modern art was then moved to the wall of a cinema in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  Once again Shia’s “alt-right” agitators caused more violent shenanigans. Consequently it was removed.

From there the camera was moved to an undisclosed location, only this time the words “He Will Not Divide Us” were scrawled across a white flag. Now, depending on who you believe, (and if it’s Shia LaBeouf, then you’ve got some major issues) this not so secret location was sussed out by 4Cahan who then sent out a few more ultra-right cyclops, this time to deface the flag.

As a last resort, the installation was then moved to  a silly little museum in Liverpool,

LaBeouf said:

“…events have shown that America is simply not safe enough for this artwork to exist”

Oh come on! Liverpool is safe enough alright – if you’re wearing a stab proof vest that is.

And yes that’s right everyone some more politicos then got involved, this time posting pictures of themselves standing on top of Liverpool’s Liver building. They promised to keep ruining LaBeouf’s “He Will Not Divide Us” installation until us bored and unemployed Brits fell asleep just like our American cousins had done before us.

Well what will happen next? Will the western world ever see those anti-Trump protesters again? Will it ultimately be discovered that LaBeouf himself is behind all of these social disruptions? Will we all be tickled pink to discover that Twitter’s infamous troll brigade have fallen for his obvious trickery?

Seriously folks, you don’t want to be caught on the wrong side of a Shia LaBeouf con trick. Lets face it that would be akin to being the slowest sheep in the herd.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson Has Died.


Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, died, rest-in-peace,Prince Charle’s goddaughter and the most splendid of British socialites,Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was found dead at her home in south west London earlier today. She had been battling with a brain tumour. Sadness personified  – the brain tumour won.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was just 45 years young.

Officially obituaries only come out after ten million unofficial versions are published first on social media. However in the print media celebrity RIPs are still a work in progress because there exists a protocol from which few dare to deviate.

The protocol goes something like this.

After mentioning the loss of a wonderful talent it’s normally followed by an obligatory tribute statement from friends and family. Because there’s never been a desire to mention how said celebrity suffered harsh criticism from those writing the obituary the mistakes that said celeb made in their life are quite rightly forgotten.

During her colourful life Tara frequently made the pages of newspapers and celebrity magazines. In 2002 she appeared on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! She also appeared on a celebrity special of Blind Date and A Place in the Sun.

She also contributed to several publications, writing for the Sunday Times, the Spectator and Tatler. In 2010 she released her first novel, The Inheritance.

She spoke candidly about her well-documented battle with drugs. She told a newspaper in 2016: “I haven’t done drugs for 10 years” and said she was now “a bit obsessed with healthy eating”.

Tara was also an accomplished pianist and spent many a party making her drunken friends dance barefoot to the sound of Beethoven.

Tara was one of my favorite “red carpeteers” who always brought fun, glamour and sparkle. However in recent years Tara struggled with depression and anxiety. These she said had turned her from “a party girl into a recluse”.

I understand that, really I do.

Rest in Peace, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Thank you for everything, especially this piece of musical perfection.