While everybody is using up their bandwidth on the achievements of Nelson Mandela I’m sitting here wondering why Ed Sheeran has sandblasted his own face. Yes, welcome to this week’s Ugly Faces Of Show Business.
Ed’s face has got to be the ugliest face I have ever seen. Seriously, it looks like it’s been run over by several trucks. And oh that hair! Cut with rusty pinking shears right? Also he’s got a little wonk in his eye which make him look like he’s permanently winking all flirty-like, which is a bad thing.
There are hookers out there who, for the right price will gladly sit on a face. I think that’s exactly what Ed’s face needs right now. Someone to sit on it. (I said sit, no h)
Last night wasn’t the best night of the 21st century for Cosmopolitan magazine to hold their Ultimate Women of the Year Awards. But they did, which means the sun won’t be coming out today, because Rebecca Ferguson’s extra dragalicious dress is blocking it!
Rebecca Ferguson should not go out dressed like she was about to judge some drag show in Luton. That is the opposite of right. One should only wear a mess of dress like this while creating excessive flatulence, chewing bubble gum or listening to stripper music. Awful, truly awful.
And try not to stare but look who fell off the shelve at the Muppet factory. It’s Nicole Scherzinger. Bitch looks like she tried to swallow a frog made out of foundation but it got stuck in her throat so she just let it stay there. Poor rotting frog.
Since we ran a Dress Disasters post on Tuesday I really can’t find the strength to put myself through another one so soon. Oh I know, a swirling vortex of drunkass sloppiness can be entertaining so’ll leave you to reflect on Caroline Flack, who toddled into last night’s event wearing the kind of an outfit I can only describe as “a howl at the moon and then gallop off into the darkness” kind of an outfit. You can see that mess HERE.
And here’s Rebecca’s’s latest single, “I Hope” which sounds like a twerking tornado.
Warner Bros have announced this week that Gal Gadot will play Wonder Woman in the upcomingBatman V. Superman movie. So that’s why she’s our Morning model today.
Gal is 28-year-old Israeli actress/model who won Miss Israel in 2004 and played Gisele in the Fast & Furious movies. Director Zack Snyder had this to say about his all new Wonder Woman:
“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”
Gal photographs well. You can’t see any of the circles or bags she’s acquired since leaving Israel and ventured out into the world of really terrible movies and modelling. Can’t blame a girl for wanting to get paid.
Check out Esquire if you want to pretend you’re interested in all the crazy fun stuff Gal has to say… while you mostly just look at her breasts.
I had just finished typing up a ‘Royals night out’ post when I heard Hue Edwards announce on BBC News24 that Nelson Mandela has died.
So I’m guessing that nobody will be at all interested in what Princess Kate was wearing as she attended the UK premiere of Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom at the Odeon Leicester Square earlier this evening.
South Africa’s President Zuma delivered the news tonight that Nelson, the father of the South African democratic nation has taken the tour all the way up to heaven at the age of 95. Nelson Mandella died of natural causes peacefully in his sleep while surrounded by his family. (Note to my family: Don’t watch me sleep, even if I’m about to die. Thank you.)
I’m not qualified to write an obituary for a man like Nelson Mandella. You can read one here but let me just say what a shot of sadness this news truly is.
I’d like to think that after you die, you really don’t care that you died since you’ll be partying with the angels up there in heaven. Yeah, I’d like to think that.
When Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t funnelling her smug-ass hatred into bringing down Vanity Fair or teaching online fatties not to be fatties anymore she’s looking for ways to help you waste your money on an overpriced fragrance which is so damn average that Gwyneth wouldn’t even spray it on the mice that live in her maid’s room let alone spray it on herself.
Yes, the latest version of Gwyneth Paltrow’s BOSS JOUR Pour Femme advert is out on YouTube (see below) and this time Goopy G is blithering on about Christmas in the hope that her words of nostalgia have you all rushing off to the nearest perfume shop, debit card at the ready.
Well no. When I heard Gwyneth gushing on about “being together, all the food and the mulled wine and everything” it told me that Hugo’s production team probably had to replace words like ‘Godless’ and ‘Path to Salvation’ with “great gift” and “way to mark the passage of time” because they didn’t want their Christmas campaign sounding like some born-again Christian bus driver on a recruitment mission.
Yes, ‘Boss Jour for messes like Gwyneth Paltrow‘. She should come with a bright red warning label stuck over her mouth because every time she talks she makes you want to stick a chopstick in your ear and then stab yourself in the brain with it. But you know what’s funny? Press pause on the video below, then it looks like a tampon made out of a Cadburys Flake.
Nicole Schwhatshername is basically a stripper who doesn’t strip and whilst I can see how that would have gone down well in the 1930s, today you can download any old random porn and it’ll feature hot women, totally naked, doing unspeakable things to one another. (Or so I’m told.) The problem I have with Nicole […]
The only legal phrase that I understand is ‘billable hours’ so I’m probably not the one to be commentating on a courtroom drama because all that legal procedure just confuses me. Watching Legally Blonde was hard enough. Anyway here goes. As your asses will have heard a jury over at Isleworth Crown Court have been putting […]
Ever since Tom Daley jumped onto the rainbow-coloured highway everyone has been speculating who it might be that is making him feel so good, so safe and so brave. Well I’m sorry to have to burst all your pink thought bubbles here but according to the Daily Fail (via Queerty) Tom’s secret boyfriend is 39-year-old Academy Award-winning […]
Stop me if you’ve heard me say this before… Welcome to another slow-assed Wednesday where nothing is going on. I’ve checked all the gossip pages and all could find (via ONTD) was a naked Lady Gaga picture on the cover of Candy magazine. I’m so mesmerised by Gaga’s bearded glamour that I’ve had to throttle it […]
Because the 2013 British Fashion Awards took place at the London Coliseum last night it was only a matter of time before another NMi Dress Disasters article took shape and hobbled through the broken gates of the internet. It’s true to say that a cloud of pity coloured sadness is now hanging over my office (dining […]
Welcome to another slow-assed Monday where nothing is going on except the news that Jonathan Ross is looking like a crackhead. I know, I’m going to have to chose my words very carefully or I’ll come across as sounding like a law suit waiting to happen. (too late dummy, you already used the term crackhead). Essentially that […]
When I read that Adam Levine was chosen by People magazine as their sexiest man for 2013 I had to throw a “who the hell is he” at Google. And then I had to say, “WOW” People magazine have got it ALL together this year because this Adam guy just spells gorgeous with a capital G. I really I don’t […]
Just typing the name “Tom Daley” into Google images has caused thousands of women to dream of sleeping in his bedroom while wearing the silkiest of negligees and the sultriest of underwear. However, Tom has been telling YouTube today that contrary to the dreamy holograms floating before their lust filled eyes, he is in fact… gay. “In […]