POLL: Should Gemma Collins Quit TV?

by Mike D.W on November 21, 2014

in Celebrity

Gemma-CollinsIt’s been one of those days. The kind of day where you just want to crawl inside a vodka bottle and watch TOWIE re-runs through the bottom of it.

Because of this I’m grateful to the Sun newspaper for the screen grab of Gemma Collins‘ face you see above. It’s given me my first proper laugh of the day!

I have no idea what Gemma’s face was saying in that picture or what it was doing but I hope Gemma won’t ever make it stop. Gemma’s face needs to adopt me so that we can eat jelly and cake together, then I’ll be able to make a face just like hers whenever I want.

But wots this? Gemma’s face won’t be appearing on television ever again? Seriously? How can that be? Gemma’s face IS the face of television.  YES. IT. IS.

On a more serious note … the Sun who are reporting on this one today have quoted Gemma as saying….

“This [I’m A Celebrity] has been such a massive wake-up call. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. I’ve been on a roller-coaster ride for the last three years and it might be time to get off. The jungle was torture, but it gave me time to think. I have to completely re-evaluate my life.”

(via: The Sun)

The Sun are also quoting one of Gemma’s pals who apparently told them, “Gemma’s realised what’s important — friends and family, not the glitzy fake world of reality TV.”

Reality TV. Glitzy? Fake? Really? I don’t know what to say but that can’t be why Gemma is calling quits on her spectacular career. Surely not!

No, I think it’s those uncultured face-hating haters on social media, the one’s that can’t handle Gemma’s sans fards follies. She’s got super pissed-off with them and is simply ‘threatening’ to quit TV in order to teach their nasty asses a lesson.

Yes, Face-Haters. Unless someone had nothing better to do and made this whole mess up, it’s the only explanation.

Should Gemma Quit TV?

SADS: Rest In Peace Duchess Of Alba.

by Mike D.W on November 20, 2014

in Celebrity

Rest in Peace-RIP-died-passed away-Duchess of AlbaA black veil hung over the people of Spain today after it was announced that their beloved Duchess of Alba had been tragically taken from them and had danced a light Fandango all the way up to heaven.

Yes, the sad news came earlier today when her family announced that their Duchess passed peacefully in her sleep after suffering a short illness. She was 88.

The Duchess is survived by her husband Alfonso Diez, her six children, nine grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.

This little known fact will melt you into a sea of sadness – did you know that the Guinness Book of Records says the Duchess had more recognised titles than any other noble person on Earth.

So….

Duchess of Aliaga, Duchess of Arjona, Duchess of Berwick, Duchess of Híjar, Duchess of Liria and Jérica, Duchess of Montoro, Countess-Duchess of Olivares,  Marquise of the Carpio, Marquise of San Vicente del Barco, Marquise of La Algaba, Marquise of Almenara, Marquise of Barcarrota, Marquise of Castañeda, Marquise of Coria, Marquise of Eliche,  Marquise of Mirallo, Marquise of la Mota,  Marquise of Moya, Marquise of Orani, Marquise of Osera, Marquise of San Leonardo, Marquise of Sarria, Marquise of Tarazona, Marquise of Valdunquillo, Marquise of Villanueva del Fresno, Marquise of Villanueva del Río Countcies, Countess of Aranda, Countess of Lemos,  Countess of Lerín, Constabless of Navarre, Countess of Miranda del Castañar, Countess of Monterrey, Countess of Osorno, Countess of Palma del Río, Countess of Salvatierra, Countess of Siruela, Countess of Andrade, Countess of Ayala, Countess of Casarrubios del Monte, Countess of Fuentes de Valdepero, Countess of Fuentidueña, Countess of Galve, Countess of Gelves, Countess of Guimerá, Countess of Modica, Countess of Ribadeo, Countess of San Esteban de Gormaz, Countess of Santa Cruz de la Sierra, Countess of Villalba, Viscountess of la Calzada, Lady of Moguer AND….

… the Duchess of AlbaRest in Peace.


Eminem: Nasty Little TROLL!

by Mike D.W on November 20, 2014

in Celebrity

Eminem-Marshall Mathers-Rape-rap-tune-social media-uproarOver the years we’ve become accustomed to hearing Eminem songs, all of them stuffed with more nasties than a teenagers Facebook, so it comes as no surprise today that his latest rap foolery has made lots of women very angry indeed.

His latest tune is called Vegas and in it Mathers raps on about Iggy Azalea and how he’d like to drag her into a Humvee and then rape her. The toxic tune premiered on iTunes last night and immediately women of the free thinking world took to their anger to Twitter and voiced their dis-approval in no uncertain terms.

This of course comes on the same day our esteemed Home Secretary, Theresa May refused the world’s most hated man Julien Blanc an entry visa to our hallowed land. As readers will know from the thousands of protesting articles posted online that Blanc advocates the use of rape, violence and other horrors as the modern way of romancing a lady.

Readers will also remember that just two weeks ago Eminem’s name was smeared all over social media. That time the uproar was over his free-style rapping about punching Lana Del Rey in the face. When Azealia Banks heard about that she took to her Twitter and told Mathers to ‘go back to his trailer park, eat a microwave dinner and then suck on his sisters tits.’

According to reports in today’s papers Mathers’ upcoming album drops a number of songsters into his murky musical mess, namely – Nicki Minaj, Kesha and Lana Del Rey. Apparently they all suffer the same disgraceful treatment as Iggy and Lana.

Apart from being an age challenged ‘whigger’ with nowhere to go Mathers is also a massive hypocrite. Back in 2010 when interviewed for CBS’s 60 Minutes by Anderson Cooper Mathers talked about his three young daughters. Ironically this is what he said about swearing:

“Profanity around my house? No. I’m a parent. I have daughters. I mean, how would I sound, as a father…walking around my house saying, ‘Bitch, pick this up,’ you know what I mean?…I don’t cuss.”

Like any responsible father Mathers will have banned all three of his daughters from YouTube, iTunes, Daily Motion, MailOnline, TMZ and every other website running his nasty shit. However, if you really want to burn holes in your drums take a clickerty-clack below.

Obviously Mathers thinks that this kind repulsive rape rap is the best way get people talking about his nasty ass on social media. But y’know, at 42 Mathers seems to have learnt nothing of our modern world and continues to behave like a desperate hillbilly living in a field of dying trolls.

Someone needs to file a restraining order against him. For his own good.


Here’s Gaga’s Armpit: Nasty Business.

by Mike D.W on November 20, 2014

in Celebrity

Lady Gaga-Tattoo-Mother Monster-armpitThe World Wide Web is awash with news that will surely cause the entire universe to collapse in on itself. Lady Gaga has a new tattoo.

Great news!

In case you’re wondering what you’re looking at Gaga’s latest piece of body art is simply two messy squiggles which read “Mother Monster” together with some stodgy looking swirls tattooed just below her right armpit.

Just like the last time she got twattood, Gaga sent a billion pictures of the procedure to her Instashame together with a video nasty showing her soggy stubble-sprouting armpit in all it eye-gringing glory.

‘Mother Monster’ now joins the other 36 tattoos which randomly adorn Gaga’s body.

I know. Armpits. Gross. Seeing Gaga’s reminded me of the first time I saw mine and …. know what? I’ll stop right there. One armpit is quite enough.


Why Did Gemma Collins Leave I’m A Celebrity?

by Mike D.W on November 19, 2014

in Celebrity

Gemma Collins-I'm A Celebrity-FailYou may know Gemma Collins as the Towie girl who loves to eat McNuggets and embarrass herself by not looking OMG fabulous in a bikini. And then again you may not.

The sensational breaking news dominating ALL the front pages today (not really) is that Gemma has walked out of I’m a Celebrity.

As regular readers will know ITVs reality show, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here brings together a clutch of unemployed Z-listers, has-beens and the producers drinking chums then puts them together in a contrived jungle setting. Whilst there they are filmed wrestling with food nasties, plumbing unpleasantries and insect issues until they all burst into tears.

Depending on which reports you believe, the producers at I’m a Celebrity have either flown Gemma to a secret boot camp or, after hearing millions of shrieking shrew voices all calling her a ruinous loser Gemma left of her own accord.

Maybe it was a small clerical error in her contract which made her leave. Maybe Guy Richie had a leading role for her in Snatch 2.  Or maybe, Ant and Dec asked to romp her but she declined. (Consider that last one just a personal theory.)

But really, why did the producers even think about asking Gemma to enter the jungle in the first place? She was probably a little confused by it because up until now I doubt even her parents knew who she was let alone the general public. Poor thing.

Whatever, you shouldn’t really speculate when it comes to jobs at I’m A Celebrity.


Kim Kardashian: The Fifth Estate Must Try Harder.

by Mike D.W on November 19, 2014

in Celebrity

Kim Kardashian-Angelina Jolie-Unbroken-Fleur Fatale-unbroken-film premiereWell I guess there’s nothing else going on today except the glittering diamanté that is Kim Kardashian. Technically this woman is the perfect embodiment of a rapper’s trash toy but buying into the Christmas fragrance of this moronic midget isn’t something I’ll be doing this year.

Kim knows that over the Christmas period the soft-brained of this world will be buying millions of pounds worth of celebrity perfumes. Personally I’ve never wanted to smell like someone else but some women love to explore their female mimic fantasies far more than they should.

You can rush out and buy Fleur Fatale, which is Kim’s Christmas fragrance, or you can sit in front of your TV chomping on cheese bites until your fabulous life finally arrives. Either which way Kim doesn’t care, she’s rich, you’re poor, she wins and you lose.

But y’know, Kim isn’t wounded by the vitriol of abuse we throw at her. No, Kim’s a winner and that means there’s something admirable about her. I know, it also means that we in the Fifth Estate will have to try a little harder with the rumours and abuse throwing.

Take Australian website The Fix for example. They try hard. Yesterday they reported that Angelina Jolie had ‘personally barred’ Kim from attending her Unbroken film premiere which was held at Sydney’s State Theatre on Monday night. According to them Kim had ‘begged for tickets’ and ‘desperately tried to arrange a get-together with Brad and Angelina’.

As it turned out The Fix had made that shit up. In a denial of the story Kim’s rep said, ‘The story is preposterous. Completely false‎. She did not ask to attend the premiere’.

That’s about right, on Monday night Kim was on the other side of the country getting her boobs out for Vogue Magazine, but full marks to The Fix, a fine effort, well done!

I know, the golden rule – post anything you can to get yourself over the hump towards being a legitimate publication.


Ed Milliband Gets Owned By Klass.

by Mike D.W on November 18, 2014

in Celebrity

Klass-MillibandWe may as well prepare ourselves for another day of wondering how many more dirty brown puddles will Ed Milliband dive into before he realises he’s drowning in a sea of poop.

Seen above looking like a constipated toddler throwing a pout tantrum, the leader of the Labour Party was joined by Myleene Klass and Sir Christopher Meyer on The Agenda last night.

What went on before an ITV camera Ed will probably remember for the rest of his life. In fact when he retires and publishes his autobiography he’ll title it – The Night I Got Owned by Myleene Klass 

What should have happened here was a quick half hour of unscripted debate led by a man of vision, perception and credibility of mind. What actually happened was that Myleene Klass turned the ITV studio into a BDSM spank cavern. The esteemed leader of the Labour party couldn’t bend over fast enough.

Yes, Ed Milliband fluffed his fluster all over again. When the debating got round to his dreaded mansion tax ideas he opened up his insufferable mouth and then completely lost me. I had no idea what he was talking about. But Myleene Klass was having none of Eddie’s blustering buffoonery, she opened her spank hand and set about reddening Eddie’s protruding backside while an incredulous nation watched on.

I must admit I kind of expected Myleene simply to dribble on about the sex lives of blowfish or the week’s fashion fails or how Kim Kardashian is the greatest thing to happen in our world. But no, Myleene owns a house in Islington and it’s current value falls just beneath the £2m threshold where Ed’s mansion tax would kick-in.

So Myleene, ‘la donner des les whacks sur la bot’ seized her opportunity and voiced the feelings of many of her fellow Londoners.

If you really want to hurt your ears then you can hear the entire debate –> here. I’ve thrown in a few highlights below. WARNING: A flash flood of insanity lies ahead:

Ed Milliband

“The Mansion Tax? Oh I totally understand that people don’t like paying more in tax. The values of my government are going to be different to the values of this government.”

Myleene Klass

“For me, it’s so disturbing – the name in its own right: “mansion tax”. Immediately you conjure up an image of these Barbie-esque houses, but in London, which is where 80 per cent of the people who will be paying this tax actually live, have you seen what that amount of money can get you? It’s like a garage.

When you do look at the people who will be suffering this tax, it’s true a lot of them are grannies who have had these houses in their families for a long, long time.The people who are the super-super rich buying their houses for £140million, this is not necessarily going to affect them because they’ve got their tax rebates and amazing accountants. It’s going to be the little grannies who have lived in those houses for years and years.

You may as well just tax me on this glass of water. You can’t just point at things and tax them.”

Most of us are used to Ed filling our heads with dollops of dim-boy delusion, but this ‘The values of my government are going to be different takes the poop stained biscuit, doesn’t it?

I mean, what government would that be Eddie?

Seriously, if any of us believed this codswallop then men in white coats holding tranquilizer guns will start running straight toward us.

We’ll then wake up strapped to a radiator with our loved ones stroking our heads and whispering, “Tell the nice doctor you didn’t believe what a politician said about values….


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