WARNING: This may cause your eyeballs to pop out, so hold on to them tightly if you read any further.
One Direction’s, Harry Styles has long since left the world spellbound by his fantastical beauty. Last week he was photographed being sick on the 101 freeway in California. The presence of Harry’s vibrant vomit quickly caused the locals to erect a shrine to commemorate the auspicious event.
And guess what? If you want to become the proud owner of the spectacular piece of pavement art that was once Harry’s puked up pizza then all you need is an eBay account connected to a valid credit card. Yes, according to the Sun Harry’s vomit is now up for sale on the internet auction site.
It sounds to me like One Directioners are ready to take a messy dump over what’s left of their sanity.
But go imagine. What if it were you and your bid won. Presumably Harry’s puke would be delivered to your home in an armoured truck. You’d have to barricade your windows and doors, close all the curtains before you gently opened the box. You’d then pour your newly aquired treasure into a resealable pot before blessing yourself with holy water.
If you ever poured a drop of Harry’s vomit onto your hand then time would surely start moving in slow motion. You’d let out a hushed oh ma gawd beforeasking your iPhone, “Siri, is this puke fake?” If Siri didn’t reply then you’d know that one of civilisation’s greatest creations was right there on your hand.
Back in the day whenever parents sent their beloved offspring out to play they always told them to mind their manners, say please and thank-you, be nice, don’t fight and be good little children.
Nowadays separating uncouth, uncivilized trash from the refined, sophisticated and polished pearls of our society is something of a challenge. Yesterday I was travelling back from town on a nasty, sweaty train. It was rush hour. The carriage was pretty full but I got lucky and grabbed the only seat available. When the train stopped at the next station a bunch of lame-ass sticky people pushed their way into the carriage. They all had to stand up, there were no seats, I’d taken the last one.
Standing in the heaving melee I spotted a woman. Clearly she was exhausted. She was in her mid-thirties and looked like she’d just been shot in the head by the Taliban. I stood up and offered her my seat. She smiled a thank you, accepted the seat and sat her tired ass down.
Well the looks of withering contempt I got from some of my fellow travellers. Mainly the men! They obviously felt guilty. Embarrassed. Such low-class gutter trash! Their parents should’ve pulled them out of school and enrolled them in the London School of Etiquuette, because they obviously needed a crash course in savoir-faire, courtesy and manners.
Good manners cost nothing but in this ungallant age a man even offering to open a door for a woman is often treated with suspicion. A survey reports that many women would rather stand than take a seat occupied by a man. It seems that acts of chivalry, however small, often lead to embarrassment. Embarrassment breeds fear in men. If a man is made to feel a fool for offering his seat to a woman then he won’t offer it a second time.
Fred Astaire once said that the hardest lesson facing kids today is learning good manners when none exist. Those medieval fellows who bequeathed us their code of gentlemanly conduct believed it their duty to show respect to women at all times. And so should modern man today – even if the looks we receive are withering.
THE APPRENTICE is embroiled in a monkey spanking mess this morning after it emerged that one of Lord Sugar’s candidates has made a sex tape. According to the Sun, Solomon Akhtar made the X rated film some time ago with an un-named ex-girlfriend.
Solomon was forced to admit to the show’s producers that the tape does exist after his ex-girlfriend told friends about it and the news then got posted on Twitter. When news broke that Solomon had made the tape I wondered if his ‘un-named ex-girlfriend’ might put it up for sale. After all if Solomon were to win The Apprentice…..
Actually that’s not so easy. You’d think it would go without saying, but you can’t go around selling movies of people having sex without their consent. Sexually explicit pictures or videos have to meet very strict laws. That’s why I can’t sell my documentary which I’ve called, My Neighbour Sunbathes Topless.
It’s true, the law demands that anyone who produces porn for money must keep records of every performer. This means that every person who has sex in a porn film has to sign a contract stating who they are, they’re real age, real name, and their agreement to be in the movie.
Yes, unnamed ex girlfriend’s should take note of that before they ask people to post stuff on Twitter.
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