Yesterday afternoon while I was getting drunker than a thousand Apaches in a cocktail bar in north London the Internet exploded. Every website on Earth burst into a thousand pieces after naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Teresa Palmer, Kiki Dunst, Amber Heard, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kate Upton and others were splattered over the world’s digital servers.
What seems to have happened here is that an anonymous hacker was able to access a whole load of celebrity phones due to a security lapse at iCloud which acts as a back-up storage device for Apple users. The hacker claims he has stolen more than 60 NSFW pictures of Jennifer Lawrence alone. Her rep pretty much confirmed it when she told TMZ that they’ve contacted the authorities.
“This is a flagrant violation of privacy. The authorities have been contacted and will prosecute anyone who posts the stolen photos of Jennifer Lawrence.”
The hacker also claims that he has a video of Miss Lawrence performing a sex act which he will sell for donations to his paypal account. He also says that he has nipple pictures of, Ariana Grande Latte, Mary-Kate Olsen, Avril Lavigne, Selena Gomez, Winona Ryder, Hilary Duff, Kelly Brook, Cat Deeley, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna and on and on and on…..
Some celebrities denied that the pictures were real, calling them fakes, however Mary Elizabeth Winstead took to Twitter and said:
To those of you looking at photos I took with my husband years ago in the privacy of our home, hope you feel great about yourselves. Knowing those photos were deleted long ago, I can only imagine the creepy effort that went into this. Feeling for everyone who got hacked.
You know, I agree. And so does Twitter who have threatened to suspend anyone who tweets these stolen artefacts to their followers. And you know I can’t show you these pictures either since I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. However you can see them all here.
Of course, everyone is now screaming, “WHY KEEP PICTURES OF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS ON YOUR PHONE!” I agree. I mean who wants to find their artistic nude pictures turning up on social media sites where shitty bloggers (Why is everyone looking at me?) can pick them apart and even worse Photoshop the naked bits onto a milk carton.
There’s good news and bad news this morning. The good news is that Prince Harry’s new girlfriend is featured in the Mail on Sunday! The bad news is that she’s not a porn star. Well, you can’t have it all.
The Sunday tabloid says that the tears of a thousand hopefuls are flooding the streets of Kensington today as news leaks out that our ginger Prince has been staying with a new love interest - Camilla Thurlow - on a yacht in St Tropez.
Apparently Camilla is the mystery girl who was spotted kissing Harry in a nightclub last June. So, what do we know about her. According to the tabloid Camilla was born in Dumfries, attended the Fettes College in Edinburgh and earned herself a first-class honours degree in sport and exercise science at Loughborough University. And at 25, Camilla’s made the incredibly wise decision of going to work. She works for the Halo Trust, the landmines organisation that Princess Diana supported.
Congratulations Camilla. It must be nice to be a cut above a Nandos waitress. I guess if you’ve kissed a prince then your soul can’t smell like fried chicken. But if you’re dating a royal then the work never really stops. Pilates and yoga. That’s every day. Feel like a hamburger? Screw you, nibble on pea soup instead. Too tired to go to clubbing tonight? Well suck it up, your insurance policy IS your ass in a short skirt.
The BBC don’t like messy exits. Murders, poisonings, suffocations are one thing but forcing the viewing public to watch a Great British Bake Off competitor having a bearded tantrum is quite another.
On last night’s GBBO contestant, Iain Watters let out a silent scream after he discovered that a fellow contestant, 69 year-old Diana Bird had removed his Baked Alaska pudding from her freezer just minutes before judgment time.
Because the show was filmed during a heat wave the ice cream in the middle of Iain’s creation had melted into a flaccid floppy mess. What should have looked like Boris Johnson’s wig, the ovaries of an albino panda and the vagina of a blanched unicorn it looked instead like a plate of sucked donkey balls.
Mrs Bird blamed the whole sloppy mess on Iain telling him: ‘Sorry Iain, it’s still there. Anyway you’ve got your own freezer haven’t you’.
Well that didn’t exactly turn Iain’s angry ass into a funnel of rainbows because he yelled back at Mrs Bird: ‘Why would you take it out of the freezer?’
When the show’s host Sue Perkins asked Iain how he intended to serve the slop-like mixture instead of saying something subtle and poignant like, ‘Don’t tell me what to do! You’re not my boss! Stop eating my food! Get out of my kitchen! I hate you’ Iain retorted: ‘I’ve got a serving suggestion for you’ and then poured his Baked Alaska into the nearest bin.
He then stalked off in a fury.
When it came to the judging Iain thought he’d be a clever ass and present the judges with his sponge, meringue and melted ice cream while it was still slopping around at the bottom of the bin!
He explained to the panel:
“I threw it in the bin because I didn’t want to present it. I didn’t want them to judge the way it came out so I’d rather present nothing. I’m gutted. I had some issues with the ice cream and I let the frustration of that get the better of me.”
Well, Iain might as well have pulled his pants down and rubbed himself because the judges response to his desperate pantomime was to slap him around the face with a resounding NOPE. Iain was then gently shuffled off to the nearest bus stop by the show’s support staff.
Media mogulling Simon Cowell and the woman he knocked up, Lauren Silverman, hit the red carpet at the X-Factorpress launch last night. They sure look happy together.
In fact, I can’t tell who looks the happier – the man who ran off with his best friend’s wife or his best friends ex-wife who found a ridiculously wealthy man to knock her up.
I’ve always thought that shame-filled baby making, home wrecking, gold digging and humping on mega rich celebrities must make one feel like you’ve hit the Lotto jackpot. But what do I know.
There are rumours that Simon might be marrying this woman. If these are true then Simon is more loved up than I thought he was. I mean seriously, who among us could resist a woman who believes in romance and fairytales, to say nothing of your offshore holdings. Certainly not me.
Now on to the Say Something Nice….okay….um…errr…um… well, those sunglasses look nice.
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