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Tony Hall Death Threats Over Clarkson.

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Just like the Twitter pages of those who dared to talk trash about Zayn Malik last week the e-mail inbox of BBC director-general, Tony Hall has been filling up with death threats.

Seriously, this is true. The Daily Mail have reported that in a terrifying e-mail sent to Tony Hall last Wednesday an insane crazy, who is still screaming his anus off over the sacking of Jeremy Clarkson, has made chilling threats to kill.

This person is acting like Clarkson had saved his ass from a burning building, given him a litter of James May clones and sent him the DVD from the porn season of Footballers Wives. Because DAMN! Poor old Tony Hall has now had to hire a contingent of SAS guards to keep him safe in his Oxfordshire home.

The Mail says that Tony Hall had to place the security men around his home because he’s also received death threats from other viewers (or ex-viewers) who are still mad as hell that their darling Clarkson has been pushed to the sidelines.

They are also furious at rumours suggesting that the entire Top Gear family aren’t going to go on with the show if Clarkson is out. However, the BBC say that they haven’t met with either James May or Richard Hammond since Clarkson was given a forced-quit from the show.

So death threats, really? If you’re phoning Tony Hall and threatening to kill him simply because the BBC have suspended your favourite TV show, then hang up the phone and call 111 for the NHS HELPLINE instead. This really isn’t that serious.

I mean, when ITV yanked Davina McCall out of my life by cancelling PopStars: The Rivals, did I call them up and threaten to murder their faces? No, I didn’t. Okay, I might’ve called them and played Geri Halliwell’s “It’s Raining Men” into their voicemail, which I guess is considered attempted murder…..but still.

And because I don’t want to end this post with MURDER talk, let’s end it with naughty footballer talk!

The Sunday Mirror (via Sunday people) have pointed out that Max Clifford, the jailed creator of smut, has been arrested at Littlehey Prison by police.

They say that the police are investigating claims made by a well know model that she was hired by Clifford to sleep with married Premiership footballers. Allegedly Clifford would then threaten to reveal the results of their ‘away games’ to the press. I think that means he blackmailed them.

Anyway I wish I’d smoked a lot of weed and then made this whole post up. Really I do, but I didn’t.

Newsjacker Reacts To Celebrity News.

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For a newsjacker like me a slow-ass news day + a slow-ass news week = another boring day where all the celebrity columns are full of non stories.

I mean stories about Katie Price moving to Australia – Kim Kardashian going ‘back to black’ – the funniest man on TV is desperately striving to become even funnier (Stephen Fry to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear) are actually masquerading as ‘Breaking Celebrity News’ today.

Between supermodels banging on my door and pirates trying to steal my treasure, this kind of nonsensical twaddle has kept me pretty busy this week.

By busy I mean sifting through an endless array of mushy mashy headlines in pursuit of something ANYTHING interesting to voice my unsavoury opinion about.

That’s right, it sure as hell has been a dog eat dog world out there this week.

I don’t know about you but headlines like, “Holy Moly, Ellie Goulding Holds Hands With Dougie Poynter” (Mail) “Jennifer Lawrence Goes Spinning” (People Magazine) and “Will Young re-enters Hall of Fame – Releases New Album” (Sun) just don’t cut the mustard for me. [click to continue…]

Directioners: #CutForZayn Trends.

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Poor sad Directioners – the world has stopped spinning.

When Zayn Malik said he was leaving One Direction toddler life across the world was turned inside out and upside down. The news really hit them hard. A conspiracy of sadness swept the globe.

Harry Styles may or may not have wept as the ‘One Direction Quartet’ sang their  “Best Song Ever” in Jakarta the other night but that was nothing compared to the tornado of tears that has flooded Twitter and social media sites ever since.

Woe are the Directioners. School playgrounds and kindergartens remained empty yesterday, because what child wants to play or laugh when their religion is falling apart?

Now thousands of Directioners, who weren’t fed a crushed Valium with their Sugar Puffs, have let Liam know that they still love him, adore him, worship him. But they just can’t go on without him. No, they just can’t.

#CutForZayn is a hashtag which is currently trending on Twitter. More than 4,600 tweets a minute are hitting the worldwide timeline as Directioners post pictures of their slashed arms and [more disturbingly] encourage others to follow suit. [click to continue…]

Jeremy Clarkson Has Been Sacked.

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Jeremy Clarkson has been sacked. SACKED! After days of speculation the BBC Director General, Tony Hall has gone ahead and sacked the nation’s most controversial figure, Jeremy Clarkson.

Yes, it’s sad but it’s true. Despite over a million people signing a petition to have Clarkson reinstated [to Top Gear] after he was suspended for punching that bitchy little producer, Oisin Tymon in the mouth the hallowed BBC sent out a press release this afternoon confirming everyone’s worst fears. See below.

[click to continue…]

David Beckham – Bearded Genius.

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Nowadays it seems that when you’re a world-famous hipster like David Beckham you can only call yourself trendy if you’re sporting a cumbersome beard.

I first saw this picture in the Daily Mirror. Unfortunately for me their excellent reporter, Zoe Shenton has taken all the best turns of phrase.

For example:  ‘Heavily tattooed torso’ – ‘bulging biceps’ – ‘impressive bushy beard’ and ‘looked rather handsome.’ Those turns of phrase have all gone. Zoe took the lot. Nothing left for me.

Ordinarily I’d call time on this one now and move right along. However, it’s another slow-ass news day, there’s nothing going on and I really must post something to NMi.


As you can see from the picture David has grown a face full of ‘beard-age.’  It’s so damn ‘beardazzling’ it will probably make Victoria hand over her credit card and tell David the pin number.

That said, slinky sly Vici spice knows that whilst David looks like a bearded pitbull there’s posh amounts of money to be made. [click to continue…]

Jaguar XF Hi-Wires Thames.

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Introducing the hi-wired Jaguar XF.

Are you a soulless muppet who’s bored with watching Top Gear’s star in a reasonably priced car? Are your wheels too ordinary to get noticed? Is your motor too ugly to get pregnant? Does the mystery of how an elf mounts a giant fascinate you?

I’m not sure about the last one but those are the questions which faced Ian Callum, Director of Design, at Jaguar Cars recently.

Yes, Ian looked at his company’s Jaguar XF and wondered how people were ever going to notice their flagship car. How could they make it stand out in a crowd?

Never aspire to be the same as everyone else, do something different you’ll get noticed that way. Do something different, thought Ian…. but what? [click to continue…]