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Lindsay Lohan Broke Photoshop.


Lindsay-Lohan-Photoshopped-Instagram

Last night the new Queen of Liquefy, Lindsay Lohan celebrated another successful week of being an idiot by releasing a sexyface selfie to her Instagram. Unfortunately it looks like she ‘shopped’ herself using a broken version of Photoshop and the ‘greasy trash in a trash bag’ tool.

Yes, it appears that Lindsay Lohan’s project manager decided to take a nap on a pile of stolen artefacts instead of going over this picture (above) with a magnifying glass – LIKE HE’S SUPPOSED TO DO – because another ‘My Body by Still Learning To Use The Fool Filter’ has caused the World Wide Web to shudder with laughter.

This picture is as ridiculous as Lindsay’s, “It wasn’t me” protest in front of Judge Marsha Revel back in 2010.

Part of me wants to phone Adobe and ask them if they offer an on-site tutorial on waist clinching, but I think the real problem here is Lindsay. Lindsay is clearly too confident about her skills as a Photoshop artiste! Why else would she stand in front of those bottles in the background! Verticals! Get your shit together, Lindsay!

And another thing: if you’re going to go to all the trouble of Photoshopping your waist, why stop there? What about that those scrawny butt cheeks? Those would be the first thing Kim Kardashian would make go BOOOOM! Boost those bum cheeks!

But you know the most confusing take-away from all of this: Lindsay Lohan isn’t a professional model? My whole world just turned upside down! What does Lindsay do then? Exist solely as a gorgeous gusset goddess who was pulled from a dirty field in Texas?

Yes, I’m sure that’s it.

RIP Adobe.

Katie Hopkins – Bum Flash


Katie-Hopkins-Ass-CBB-Newsmediaimages

Katie Hopkins: Just when you thought Channel 5 would keep your children safe from harm here comes the stupid one from Celebrity Big Brother flashing her bare bottom on live TV.

It always starts this way. You know, after the nine o’clock watershed. I’m pretty sure that’s how World War 2 began. Somebody flashing their ass at the Germans. Nobody believes in war anymore, so Katie Hopkins can now expect a whole lot of hot gossip on social media.

Gossip like this:

Q: Did you see Katie Hopkin’s ass today? I did.

A: Yes.

Q: Do you think she’s going to screw my husband?

A: No… yes…. maybe. I don’t know.

Y’know, I think Katie is looking for something. She doesn’t know what but I think it’s her soul. Keep that in mind the next time you see her wearing magic string around her wrist. It’s to ward off evil spirits because Katie Hopkins believes that spells can manipulate the laws of nature.

What weird shit is Katie Hopkins really into? I don’t know but I’ll bet you a pound to a peanut it’s not enchanted string.

For some people their soul searching leads them to crude hippy clinics in Thailand. For talented performers it’s watching dark foreign language films.

For a humpingly hot MILF like Katie Hopkins it’s writing unintelligible pieces for the Sun newspaper. After all how else do Britain’s white van men get to read their way to a case of the flaming hot shits?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I found reading the KATIE HOPKINS column in today’s Sun was a bit like shoving a rusty nail up my ass.

Last point:

Now that Katie has shown the nation her bum cheeks she should now upgrade her tits to a pair of DD’s. I bet she won’t though. She’ll say that’s a madness beyond believe. She’s an idiot.

Look lady, do you want to be Prime Minister or not?

Kris Jenner Wears a Skinned Werewolf.


Kris Jenner-National TV Awards-Newsmediaimages

Kris Jenner has once again caused my eyeballs to suffer that special kind of pain which only comes from looking at her.

Yes. Kris Jenner turned up to last night’s National Television Awards in London wearing something you might dispute with Paypal after eBay had delivered it to your door.

I should have seen this coming; fashion disasters always come in threes. First Davina McCall arrived wearing a tragic looking builders jacket and then Claire Sweeney stood before the assembled crowd wearing some kind of DIY robot dress that was probably designed by Bacofoil.

Anyways. In winter nothing keeps you warm like a natural animal pelt and so in fine Kardashian tradition Kris Jenner wore today’s internet controversy.

The Kardashian clan are always creating controversies. They do so so that they can take to their Instagrams and then harangue the flurry of websites who are posting shit about them.

All these websites will be ridiculing the Kardashian girls today because their managing mama Kris Jenner spread fur all over the hallowed red carpet. Kris clearly forgot that the slow daughter, Khloe recently starred in a PETA campaign.

In Kris’ defence you almost never hear anything from her about the fur industry, so it’s unreasonable to assume that she had any idea that the animals who died for her last night had all been skinned alive. She had no idea. How could she? How could anyone?

I read somewhere that all skinned animals had to sign a consent form, so that after they die others may enjoy their fur too. Maybe Kris read the same thing. Perhaps it was mentioned in ‘Fur Coat Weekly’.

Even though Kris looks the definition of wrong, I can still salute her for being brave enough to dress like something Batman would fight.

And yes, I will always give a round of applause to anyone who has the courage to say “Damn it, I’m going to dress like I’ve been snorting bath salts and watching Netflix all day!

Wots this? It was fake fur? Oh plurlease….

Katie Price and Alex Reid’s Bottom.


Katie-Price-CBB-Sex-Talk-Alex-ReidNewsmediaimages

Last night in the Celebrity Big Brother house the pride of Britain, Katie Price was chatting with her fellow house mates. They were talking about rude things. You know, stuff they’d done in the name of love.

As you know NewsMediaImages.com is a family orientated web-site (it’s not) so, if you’re easily offended please look away now.

Here’s what happened.

During Katie’s chat with Cami Li, Michelle Visage and Kavana the subject of their sex lives came up. The discussion became more and more graphic the longer it went on as they all tried to outdo each other with exposés about their sordid bedroom antics.

Had Katie Price really wanted to shock her housemates with some fucked up shit then she could’ve told them how she once gave Dane Bowers a pedicure with her twat. But no she brought up her stunt marriage to Alex Reid instead.

Katie told her housemates how Alex turned her into a ‘lady rump ranger’.

If you’re sucking on the tip of a sex toy right now then you might not want to read the rest.

This is what Katie told her housemates about….. I dunno, her life as a female fudge packer?

Referring to Alex’s bottom:

“I couldn’t put enough up there. A lot of straight men like to have the pinkie up there, but Alex wanted it all.

That’s why I divorced him. Because I didn’t want to be the man.”

Couldn’t put enough up there? Poor old Alex. Once again he finds the tabloids taking a piss in his pockets. The story’s gone everywhere. The entire nation has sprained it’s tonsils from laughing so much.

Alex should be used to being laughed at by now. Remember that press conference back in 2012 when Katie launched her book In The Name of Love?

To remind you. When a reporter asked Katie what was the rudest thing she’s ever done she replied:

“I f*cked Alex up the arse with a vodka bottle.”

(Via: Now Magazine)

Do NOT Google that unless you want your organs to drop out of your ass. That could happen, I don’t know.

Kim Kardashian – Selfish Selfies.


Kim Kardashian-Selfies-Selfish-NMi

The picture you see above is the image on the cover of Kim Kardashian’s new book entitled Selfish. The book is a collection of Kim’s selfies, most of which you can see for free on her Instagram.

Kim’s new book comes out in May so naturally the Kardashian obsessed Daily Mail have spent the afternoon clogging up Google with all the details. Seriously, only abandoned dropouts who were teething during the London Olympics could apply themselves like this and still come up with an article so lame.

Anyways.

I do kind of get why the publishers, Rizzoli decided to get involved with this messy woman and promote Kim’s Instagram account for her. That’s right, because nobody else gives a shit.

Oh that’s not fair. Nor is it true. Last year Kim Kardashian’s wedding photo got 2.4 million Likes on Instagram. That was the most Likes a photo on Instagram had ever had.

Mind you 2014 was a slow year. Millions of retarded teens and benefits recipients had to wade through countless boring pictures documenting the first gay wedding, the Higgs-Boson particle, a World Cup, the first woman priest, a cool Pope, a meteor storm, a total lunar eclipse, people setting themselves on fire in Beijing, the fake winter Olympics in Russia and crowds of tranny attention seekers all kissing each other.

I’m no psychologist, but I did get paid a hundred pounds once for an erectile dysfunctional pill company to ask me an alarming number of questions about my sexual attraction to inanimate objects.

I guess that’s why I’m posting about that picture above.

Madonna Records Duet With Mike Tyson.


Madonna-Rape-Rebel Heart-NMi

Madonna thinks she lives on a mountain of pudding pop and is therefore untouchable so of course she’d have to record a duet with the convicted rapist Mike Tyson.

So Mike Tyson’s a musician now? I thought he was a notorious face-puncher who had to be told stop punching and raping people. Silly me. Obviously.

Anyway, to get people excited about her upcoming album, Rebel Heart (which has been leaked on the internet by impatient types who can’t wait until March to fill their ears with the sound of autotuned sex grunts), Madonna has released the full track listings on iTunes earlier today. Among them is track 9, Iconic where Tyson is listed as an artist.

Some celebrity lady wrecks poke fun at their “troubles” and “scandals” by making jokes of all the stupid shit in their lives, but making rape songs while hidden camera videos (below) depict what it’s really like for women to walk up and down the sexist streets of New York absolutely baffles my ass and takes the Queen of pop down to a new low.

The release of Rebel Heart has already been clouded in controversy after Madonna described her latest musical monstrosity as “a form of terrorism” and “artistic rape”.

Terrorism? Artistic rape? You stupid stupid bitch. Like the world needs to hear the auto-tuned rape warbles of a perpetually-horny pensioner.

Nowadays some parts of the world are filled with rape culture. Everything is tantamount to rape. These raping rapists rape the living rape out of women with their raping eyes, their raping thoughts and ultimately their raping dicks. Yes Sharia I’m looking at you.

Rapists constitute a relatively small number of men who all need to be shot in the head or even better locked up for life to be raped by other rapists.

Catcallers. Yes, they need to be punched in the nose. I wish my Dad were still alive, he could explain this better.

I’ve never catcalled a woman. Never in my life. I’ve always known that I’m like the majority of men who all know they have to make a little effort to attract women. Y’know… flowers, chocs, anonymous cards on Valentine’s day.

Yeah. Romance. The idea of leading with my exposed dick has never fitted into that strategy. I’m sure it sucks for women that some men are socially retarded dicks.

This shit from Madonna won’t help matters. Not at all.

RIP: Anne Kirkbride 1954 – 2015.


Anne Kirkbride-Deirdre-Barlow-RIP

Anne Kirkbride: Fun fact: The word “fabulous” was invented by Deirdre Barlow from Coronation Street. That is one hundred percent true. No, it’s not, but I like to think it is.

Soap opera has lost another rose. Last night NMi favorite, Anne Kirkbride, aka Deirdre Barlow spread her angel wings and flew off to heaven. She died in a Manchester hospital. She was 60 years young.

For 43 years Anne played Deirdre Barlow in Coronation Street. Last September Anne announced she was taking a three month break from the show but was set to return to the soap later this month. Sadly that won’t happen now.

Wiki says that Anne was born in Oldham Lancashire and was the daughter of a newspaper cartoonist. Originally she started playing the part of Coronation Street’s Deirdre Hunt back in November 1972, but as her character grew in popularity she eventually became Deirdre Barlow and secured her place in television history.

As Deidre Barlow she married four times (twice to Ken Barlow) and had 13 lovers but in real life Anne married just the once to David Beckett, her husband of 20 years.

Anne was a chain smoker so I bet the moment she arrived in heaven God handed her a microphone and told her to announce everyone’s names in her signature husky voice as they arrive at the pearly gates.

Rest in Peace Anne Kirkbride, you are now in heaven where Hilda Ogden is taking orders from you and Elsie Tanner is gagging over your choice in men.

And thank you for this:


Justin Bieber-Calvin Klein-ad-spoof-kate McKinnon-saturday night live

On Sunday morning Justin Bieber got angry. He threw down his Transformers comic, kicked over his potty and then snatched up a telephone.

Justin then called his lawyer, Mr Paddingtus Beartum and instructed him to throw a custom made lawsuit at the producers of NBC’s Saturday Night Live show. Because after all no one spoofs Justin Bieber’s #MyCalvins ad and gets away with it.

Actually, that’s all a lie. Here’s what really happened.

On Saturday SNL dressed impersonator Kate McKinnon in a pair of Calvin Klein’s, painted her body in sloppy faketoos and then allowed her to drag-persinate Justin Bieber all the way to hell and back. And so far nobody has got tired of laughing.

In one clip from the spoof Kate points at ‘le bite renflement’ and says: “Yo, my pee-pee’s in there” That might prove to be the most manly thing Justin has never said but more importantly that McKinnon woman does a better Bieber than Bieber can do himself.

Take a look for yourself, she’s hilarious. Press play.

Yes Justin, take note – this is how to man it up.

ALSO:

TMZ are saying that Bieber’s lawyers really have threatened to sue someone’s ass over this farcical nonsense. The Breathe Heavy website published a picture which compared Justin’s teeny pre-Photoshopped dick to the one seen in the Calvin Klein ad.

Breath Heavy claimed that they had received a ‘SANS SHOP’ pic (below right) from someone who worked on the CK campaign.

Justin Bieber-Klein-ad-before-afterHmmmm but y’know what, since everything on the internet eventually turns out to be a lie, I’m skeptical about that picture on the right. The so-called “original” still looks Photoshopped to me.

Obviously CK had to pad Bieber’s bulge up a bit since he’s still a few years away from puberty. I think the only way I could believe I was truly looking at an un-retouched picture of Bieber’s CK ad was if I saw —> THIS <—- picture.