Program Update: Sponsored By Three Royals.

by Mike D.W on November 26, 2014

in Celebrity

Portrait-Prince William-Prince George-Duchess Kate,-Unofficial-royalsI’ll probably get royally executed for posting this but hey ho, onwards and upwards. A photo sharing web-site has released this unofficial portrait of Prince William, Duchess Kate and baby George. Nobody knows where or how the site came by it.

The untitled and autographed photograph shows Duchess Kate looking like she’s about to lick a window and makes the second-in-line to the throne look like he just had a glimpse of Camilla’s G-String after her dress blew up. Yes, it’s absolutely stunning.

May I be as bold as to suggest that all three of them look like they’ve just eaten the dreams of a thousand obese children. But you know what this picture really needs? A photo-bombing glass of champagne. BOOM!

Anyway on that note, I’m on a quick business trip this week. It means I won’t be around much for the next few days.

While I’m off guzzling Dom Pérignon Rosé and talking up NMi as a viable investment opportunity my part time partner in blogging foolery, Celebrity Shade will be here posting her seeds of devil worship.

I’ll be back full-time next week, that is if I don’t get arrested for scribbling the words “screw you” on some investor’s forehead.

Gaga: A Star Is Born.

by Mike D.W on November 25, 2014

in Celebrity

Lady-Gaga-Siver-Star-Outfit-Wrap Party-Paris-picture-funny,Lady Gaga, whose very name reminds me of a 1980’s porn star is still pimping her diva hard. It’s true, when she’s not waking the dead with her scream-songing then she’s bringing us shades of ridiculous in big heavy doses.

While looking like a Transformers logo this piece of tin-foil trash (above) stepped out of her Artpop wrap party and posed before the Parisien Photographic Society. Then the ensuing photographs got insta-sent around the world. There Gaga – fame for a day. Again!

Words are beginning to fail me now but y’know what, wasn’t our world an innocent place before we had the Internet. It was a time when emotionally unstable teenagers could sit in their bedrooms doing self harm to themselves whilst their parents had swinger parties in the garage. Pictures like that one above would never have seen the light of day. Nowadays, with newspapers turning into digital Insta-Cams I think we’ve seen every damn camera angle that Gaga has ever poked her bum at.

Oddly I feel guilty about this. When I see people peering at the sky, naturally I peer at the sky. If I look up and I see Michelle Keegan’s magical boobs, then I’m going to tell everyone else to look at them too. It’s what the papers have us doing nowadays. It’s a sort of herd mentality. (BTW herd mentality doesn’t count if you’re peering at Cheryl Cole’s beaver.)

Fuck-it, I’ve gone way off topic now and completely lost my focus so yes, words really have failed me.

Liz Hurley,LBD,Book Launch,cleavage,I’m glad that Liz Hurley still looks this good in a semi-sheer LBD. As you know Elizabeth is a genius when it comes to harnessing the power of a fine cleavage. However, when she attended a book launch last night she kept what her biology teacher referred to as “really nice boobs” all covered up!

It’s also good that a 49-year-old woman like Liz and her amazing tits can still look OMG fabulous in a bikini, but it’s also troubling. I mean, where are all the new hotties?

Every day the Daily Mail publish wave after wave of Kim Kardashian pictures, Jennifer Lawrence, Kyle Jenner and Taylor Swift. They’ve all been done to death. At 28 Lindsay Lohan looks worse than Camilla Parker-Bowles and Milly Macintosh well… she should start eating.

WTF, I can’t think of even one new hottie who is as stunning as Elizabeth Hurley. A few years ago we had them all and now there’s none. Megan Fox is still hot, she could be stuffed, mounted and humped but really, we need a new generation of hotties to step up to the plate.

Mel-sykes-Jack-cockings-slapsThis article is brought to you courtesy of Virgin Media. On Friday afternoon Virgin Media’s network became slower than Josie Cunningham’s brain waves. So slow in fact that NMI was forced to cease publishing. We made enquiries of Virgin’s customer services and whilst they accepted that it was 100% their fault they refused to do anything about it. NMi would be ‘sans net’ until Tuesday.

Well, you can always count on us to make the smart decisions. We decided to take @Virginmedia to the Court of Outraged Twittering. We asked the court to decide if Virgin had taken all reasonable steps to repair their network and further, had they shown a willingness to expedite those steps promptly and efficiently.

The tweets rained down upon Richard Branson’s finest but despite their best efforts to defend the indefensible you, the jury found their corporate asses guilty of incompetence, complacent arrogance and of showing a couldn’t-care-less attitude towards a fee paying customer.

It wasn’t long before Virgin had no choice but to hang their heads in shame and set about repairing their failed network. And to their eternal credit that’s what they did. Virgin’s network was restored within a few hours.

What have we learned from this? Well, anybody who imagines Virgin Media is an office full of jolly chaps drinking tea and making jokes have no idea what the true nature of a corporate multi-billion pound business is. It’s a serious enterprise filled with serious people and a large legal team enforcing their many corporate policies.

Nowadays when we investigate corporate arrogance, it’s not Peter Falk hobbling around in a Columbo coat asking a couple of sad assed questions before taking an afternoon nap. No it’s us, the people. TWITTER!

So corporate Britain do please note. ‘The tweet is mightier than the board.’ 

So. Lets get to it. After all there’s no business like show business is there. You’ll remember back in 2013 the police arrested I’m a celebrity star Melanie Sykes after her husband, Jack Cockings accused her of slapping him. Oh how we joked about the cops coming to the Cocking residence in order to break up a nasty fight between wife and toy-boy. Yeah, that was funny. Well there’s more thigh slapping funny on that marriage today.

Roof tiler, Cockings has spoken to the Sun-on-Sunday and he’s told them how in his six month marriage Melanie peppered his face in slaps. In an article published today Jack claims that his former wife slapped him while  on honeymoon, slapped him while at his parents house on Christmas day and slapped him at their home in Hampstead.

In fact if you believe Jack’s account of the marriage Mel just never got bored with slapping him.

Every adult has the god-given right to do stupid shit. You can run between lorries on a motorway or bareback prostitutes with herpes if you like, but you don’t have the right to slap a stupid person. Even if they have the most slappable face in the country and have it coming to them.

I know, you think that’s a generalisation but when you look around at the guys like Jack Cockings, you’ll see that I’m right.

POLL: Should Gemma Collins Quit TV?

by Mike D.W on November 21, 2014

in Celebrity

Gemma-CollinsIt’s been one of those days. The kind of day where you just want to crawl inside a vodka bottle and watch TOWIE re-runs through the bottom of it.

Because of this I’m grateful to the Sun newspaper for the screen grab of Gemma Collins‘ face you see above. It’s given me my first proper laugh of the day!

I have no idea what Gemma’s face was saying in that picture or what it was doing but I hope Gemma won’t ever make it stop. Gemma’s face needs to adopt me so that we can eat jelly and cake together, then I’ll be able to make a face just like hers whenever I want.

But wots this? Gemma’s face won’t be appearing on television ever again? Seriously? How can that be? Gemma’s face IS the face of television.  YES. IT. IS.

On a more serious note … the Sun who are reporting on this one today have quoted Gemma as saying….

“This [I’m A Celebrity] has been such a massive wake-up call. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. I’ve been on a roller-coaster ride for the last three years and it might be time to get off. The jungle was torture, but it gave me time to think. I have to completely re-evaluate my life.”

(via: The Sun)

The Sun are also quoting one of Gemma’s pals who apparently told them, “Gemma’s realised what’s important — friends and family, not the glitzy fake world of reality TV.”

Reality TV. Glitzy? Fake? Really? I don’t know what to say but that can’t be why Gemma is calling quits on her spectacular career. Surely not!

No, I think it’s those uncultured face-hating haters on social media, the one’s that can’t handle Gemma’s sans fards follies. She’s got super pissed-off with them and is simply ‘threatening’ to quit TV in order to teach their nasty asses a lesson.

Yes, Face-Haters. Unless someone had nothing better to do and made this whole mess up, it’s the only explanation.

Should Gemma Quit TV?

SADS: Rest In Peace Duchess Of Alba.

by Mike D.W on November 20, 2014

in Celebrity

Rest in Peace-RIP-died-passed away-Duchess of AlbaA black veil hung over the people of Spain today after it was announced that their beloved Duchess of Alba had been tragically taken from them and had danced a light Fandango all the way up to heaven.

Yes, the sad news came earlier today when her family announced that their Duchess passed peacefully in her sleep after suffering a short illness. She was 88.

The Duchess is survived by her husband Alfonso Diez, her six children, nine grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.

This little known fact will melt you into a sea of sadness – did you know that the Guinness Book of Records says the Duchess had more recognised titles than any other noble person on Earth.


Duchess of Aliaga, Duchess of Arjona, Duchess of Berwick, Duchess of Híjar, Duchess of Liria and Jérica, Duchess of Montoro, Countess-Duchess of Olivares,  Marquise of the Carpio, Marquise of San Vicente del Barco, Marquise of La Algaba, Marquise of Almenara, Marquise of Barcarrota, Marquise of Castañeda, Marquise of Coria, Marquise of Eliche,  Marquise of Mirallo, Marquise of la Mota,  Marquise of Moya, Marquise of Orani, Marquise of Osera, Marquise of San Leonardo, Marquise of Sarria, Marquise of Tarazona, Marquise of Valdunquillo, Marquise of Villanueva del Fresno, Marquise of Villanueva del Río Countcies, Countess of Aranda, Countess of Lemos,  Countess of Lerín, Constabless of Navarre, Countess of Miranda del Castañar, Countess of Monterrey, Countess of Osorno, Countess of Palma del Río, Countess of Salvatierra, Countess of Siruela, Countess of Andrade, Countess of Ayala, Countess of Casarrubios del Monte, Countess of Fuentes de Valdepero, Countess of Fuentidueña, Countess of Galve, Countess of Gelves, Countess of Guimerá, Countess of Modica, Countess of Ribadeo, Countess of San Esteban de Gormaz, Countess of Santa Cruz de la Sierra, Countess of Villalba, Viscountess of la Calzada, Lady of Moguer AND….

… the Duchess of AlbaRest in Peace.

Eminem: Nasty Little TROLL!

by Mike D.W on November 20, 2014

in Celebrity

Eminem-Marshall Mathers-Rape-rap-tune-social media-uproarOver the years we’ve become accustomed to hearing Eminem songs, all of them stuffed with more nasties than a teenagers Facebook, so it comes as no surprise today that his latest rap foolery has made lots of women very angry indeed.

His latest tune is called Vegas and in it Mathers raps on about Iggy Azalea and how he’d like to drag her into a Humvee and then rape her. The toxic tune premiered on iTunes last night and immediately women of the free thinking world took to their anger to Twitter and voiced their dis-approval in no uncertain terms.

This of course comes on the same day our esteemed Home Secretary, Theresa May refused the world’s most hated man Julien Blanc an entry visa to our hallowed land. As readers will know from the thousands of protesting articles posted online that Blanc advocates the use of rape, violence and other horrors as the modern way of romancing a lady.

Readers will also remember that just two weeks ago Eminem’s name was smeared all over social media. That time the uproar was over his free-style rapping about punching Lana Del Rey in the face. When Azealia Banks heard about that she took to her Twitter and told Mathers to ‘go back to his trailer park, eat a microwave dinner and then suck on his sisters tits.’

According to reports in today’s papers Mathers’ upcoming album drops a number of songsters into his murky musical mess, namely – Nicki Minaj, Kesha and Lana Del Rey. Apparently they all suffer the same disgraceful treatment as Iggy and Lana.

Apart from being an age challenged ‘whigger’ with nowhere to go Mathers is also a massive hypocrite. Back in 2010 when interviewed for CBS’s 60 Minutes by Anderson Cooper Mathers talked about his three young daughters. Ironically this is what he said about swearing:

“Profanity around my house? No. I’m a parent. I have daughters. I mean, how would I sound, as a father…walking around my house saying, ‘Bitch, pick this up,’ you know what I mean?…I don’t cuss.”

Like any responsible father Mathers will have banned all three of his daughters from YouTube, iTunes, Daily Motion, MailOnline, TMZ and every other website running his nasty shit. However, if you really want to burn holes in your drums take a clickerty-clack below.

Obviously Mathers thinks that this kind repulsive rape rap is the best way get people talking about his nasty ass on social media. But y’know, at 42 Mathers seems to have learnt nothing of our modern world and continues to behave like a desperate hillbilly living in a field of dying trolls.

Someone needs to file a restraining order against him. For his own good.

Thumbnail image for Here’s Gaga’s Armpit: Nasty Business.

Here’s Gaga’s Armpit: Nasty Business.

November 20, 2014 Celebrity

The World Wide Web is awash with news that will surely cause the entire universe to collapse in on itself. Lady Gaga has a new tattoo. Great news! In case you’re wondering what you’re looking at Gaga’s latest piece of body art is simply two messy squiggles which read “Mother Monster” together with some stodgy looking swirls tattooed just […]

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Thumbnail image for Why Did Gemma Collins Leave I’m A Celebrity?

Why Did Gemma Collins Leave I’m A Celebrity?

November 19, 2014 Celebrity

You may know Gemma Collins as the Towie girl who loves to eat McNuggets and embarrass herself by not looking OMG fabulous in a bikini. And then again you may not. The sensational breaking news dominating ALL the front pages today (not really) is that Gemma has walked out of I’m a Celebrity. As regular […]

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Thumbnail image for Kim Kardashian: The Fifth Estate Must Try Harder.

Kim Kardashian: The Fifth Estate Must Try Harder.

November 19, 2014 Celebrity

Well I guess there’s nothing else going on today except the glittering diamanté that is Kim Kardashian. Technically this woman is the perfect embodiment of a rapper’s trash toy but buying into the Christmas fragrance of this moronic midget isn’t something I’ll be doing this year. Kim knows that over the Christmas period the soft-brained of this world will be buying […]

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Thumbnail image for Ed Milliband Gets Owned By Klass.

Ed Milliband Gets Owned By Klass.

November 18, 2014 Celebrity

We may as well prepare ourselves for another day of wondering how many more dirty brown puddles will Ed Milliband dive into before he realises he’s drowning in a sea of poop. Seen above looking like a constipated toddler throwing a pout tantrum, the leader of the Labour Party was joined by Myleene Klass and Sir Christopher Meyer on The Agenda last night. What […]

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Thumbnail image for No Words – Funny Video For November 18th 2014.

No Words – Funny Video For November 18th 2014.

November 18, 2014 Celebrity

BEHAVE!   Tweet

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November 17, 2014 Celebrity

Evil seems to live on the Internet forever. Recently the World Wide Web has been inundated with thousands of blog posts, think articles and comments about an unsavoury piece of trash called Julien Blanc. Blanc is a “Pick-Up Artist” (PUA). He’s from America, (where else) and works for a PUA organisation called Real Social Dynamics. RSD is […]

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