For those of you who found your way here by Googling dickmasize then I apologize because I’m not going to give what your sick ass wants. However, here’s some news that will make you want to shake your dick at the floor whilst howling, “MASIZE ” at the moon.
Yesterday the Sunday Mirror told of a slutty goblin who sank to a new level of shamelessness. In their exposé a blonde kiss-n-tell girl told the tabloid how she’d taken a risqué ride on Danielle Lloyd’s husband, Jamie O’Hara.
The woman, in her late twenties claimed that O’Hara had bought her cocktails in a Birmingham night club one Saturday night before ‘dickmasizing’ her at a nearby hotel and then again at his £2.3m family home in Sutton Coldfield.
Here’s an extract;
“He had been really sweet, cuddling up to me. Inside his house there were pictures of Danielle and the kids all over the place but he just didn’t seem to bother about his wife. He told me they weren’t together.”
“I know what I did was wrong and I regret it now. But I’m single and I was drunk and fancied him. He lied to me. He said they had split up. The worst thing is he showed no remorse.”
And now all the tabloids are reporting that a desperately distraught Danielle has walked out on her husband. Yes, the poor woman is so upset that she’s packed a bag and left her marital home.
Jamie O’Hara always looks to me like he’s about to impart some really bad news, like he’s just smoked your entire stash or something, so I don’t think I could wake up to that ugly face every morning. But Danielle could. So yeah, if you think the hot piece from Wolverhampton Wanderers football club looks bad now, just wait until you see what he looks like when a divorce court sucks all the hotness out of him.
But why? Why to all of this? This story should come with a sticker on the front that says “Find out more on the Internet! No really.
Anyway. Lets take a break from all this sadness and listen to some music…..
Normally I’m the first person to tell the police to calm the hell down and get back to investigating important things, like parents who pack their kid’s lunch boxes with deep fried Mars bars but on this occasion I’ll stay quiet because someone really needs to find out why Lily Allen was handcuffed after stepping off a flight in Queensland Australia.
Lily, who is currently touring Australia, landed at Gold Coast Airport in Queensland yesterday ahead of her appearance at the Splendour In The Grass festival. A small number of Australian Federal Police officers were there to greet her, presumably to make sure that she hadn’t hopped off the plane with a whole lot of sex drugs and rock n roll shoved down her panties.
Being the mouthy mess that she is Lily quickly persuaded the officers to slap her in handcuffs and then frog march her through the airport before allowing people to take pictures of her faked arrest.
Lily then posted a picture of the event to her Instagram where it received more then 7500 likes. The image has since been removed.
How were the public was bamboozled! However AFP bosses say that their coppers have played a stupid trick on the general public and the bottom of it must be gotten in to.
An spokesman said:
“At Lily Allen’s request members of the AFP placed open handcuffs on her for a photo opportunity. It appears the officers involved were caught up in the moment and breached our standard protocols. This situation is now subject to our internal processes.”
Yes, there I was thinking that Lily was about as bland as lukewarm tap water but no, the bar for stumbling around like the missing link has been raised, Pete Doherty; get back to me when they’ve got another story about you.
If you want to launch a classic womans fragrance that brings style, sophistication and polish then you’re going to need an advertising agency, some moody selfies and a video clip with a fresh perspective.
Take a page out of the shameless fame whore guide by sending your husband off to the local Spy Shop to buy a high-tech surveillance camera. Then get him to install it in your loo.
Now, sit your ass down and let the camera do the work. It will record all your stomach growls while you chomp raw toilet paper like it was something out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe book.
When you’ve finished making a complete mess of yourself put the film in a parcel along with your selfies and then Fed-Ex it to your advertising agency.
Voila! Eau De Toilet- by Kim Kardashian.
I’ll have to wait till I get really stoned to understand any of that, but I’m sure it’s the only explanation I have as to why Kayne West would install loo cams in the bathrooms of his house.
After being handcuffed for slapping asses, smoking and acting insane during a musical on Broadwaylast month smellard smellbag Shia LaBeouf found himself standing before a judge in the Manhattan Criminal Court today.
The smellarociousactor was facing charges of harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal trespass for allegedly yelling abuse and slapping actors during their opening performance of ‘Cabaret‘ on June 26.
In court the actor spoke only to confirm his name and nodded as the charges were read out to him.
His lawyer, G. Robert Gage told the judge that he and the prosecutor were still trying to work out an agreement so the case was adjourned until September 10th.
Damn it’s turning into a slow news day, Fleet Street should be shut down and prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making celebrities look like fish. I knew this day would come and now it’s finally here, just in time for the end of the world. I’ve read every inch of the gossip […]
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Go ahead, start pouring that vodka into your bathtub now, because you’re going to have to soak your body in a whole lot of booze after you’ve read the latest chapter in the messy and sad marriage that has become Katie Price’s latest pay cheque. For over a week now Fleet Street’s literary journal of truth, The Sun […]
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“Know when to shut-up” isn’t just one of the taglines for Lily Allen’s new single URL Badman. It’s also what everybody is saying to themselves now they’ve heard her latest contribution to the music industry’s growing mountain of turds. Lily is still trying to be a huge musical success story yet Britain is still trying to tell […]