Mel B-Stephen Belafonte-separated-X factor-Speculation-Reports-Tabloids-The Sun-Legals-Sue-law-suitToday, while the world’s diamonds slowly lose their sparkle millions of ducks have begun quacking and it’s all because the Sun Newspaper have reported that Mel B has left her husband Stephen Belafonte.

Yes indeed, it’s a sad day for everyone when love between a duck basher and a vinegar-scented Barbie goes numb and dies.

However, while strolling through the Sun’s report today it was easy to see how their story is less of a factual account and more of a law-suit waiting to happen.

Essentially what the The Sun are saying is that Mel has walked out on Stephen. In an article published today, the Sun have quoted a ‘source’ as saying that her pals are now urging her to formally separate from the marriage.

They’ve stated that the pair had “a number” of massive rows last week and that their seven-year marriage is now “on life support.” They’ve also revealed that film producer Stephen didn’t visit his wife when she was admitted to hospital last Thursday and that the couple have not spoken to each other since. They’ve also implied that Stephen hit Melanie and yet he’s already denied that via his Twitter account.

How could the Sun possibly know all of this? Did Melanie tell them? Did Stephen? Are they mind readers or is their article just a melange of make up, lip gloss, evilness and wine infused guess work?

It’s true that the Sun have interlaced their article with a few undisputed facts the like of which Stephen’s lawyers will find difficult to sue their asses over. For example his lawyers will find it difficult to sue [the Sun] for stating that in 2007 Stephen admitted battering a duck to death with a brick outside his house in New Jersey. Nor will they find grounds to sue over the Sun’s statement that Stephen pleaded guilty in 2003 to a count of battery against his former partner, Nicole Contreras.

Both the statements made in the last paragraph are indisputable, matters of public record and therefore no publisher could be sued for publishing them. Unfortunately for the Sun the rest of their article is largely unprovable, made up and the kind of speculative headlining for which Christopher Jefferies managed to successfully sue eight newspapers for back in 2010. You’ll remember how Fleet Street all thought they ‘had him’ for the murder of Joanna Yates. But they didn’t, did they.

I’m no fan of Stephen Belafonte or for that matter men who batter their wives but the last time NMi filled it’s front page with speculation based on The Sun’s version of the truth we got our asses well and truly sued. Unlike Murdock’s sisterhood of evil NMi has no meaningful budget for the paying of defamation settlements to celebrities, preferring to pay our esteemed writer, Mike D.W a fair and reasonable salary instead… oh hahahahahahaha that’s a scurrilous lie right there.

Anyways, on a lighter note. In that picture above I had thought about photoshopping a stuffed duck into Mel B’s grimy paw, but then I realised I’ve already filled your quota of nightmares by making you look at her in her underwear.

I’m truly sorry about that.

Thumbnail image for Lily Allen Threatens To Leave Twitter.

Lily Allen Threatens To Leave Twitter.

December 14, 2014 Celebrity

Good morning everyone and guess what? In news that we’ll all continue to post about for years to come the Daily Mail has reported how Mel B missed her slot on last night’s X Factor. A tummy problem they say. Anyways, things may not going well for Mel B but they’re going SO WELL for all of us. Why? Because Lily Allen has threatened to quit social […]

Thumbnail image for RIDICULOUS STORY: Queen Arrested For Drugs.

RIDICULOUS STORY: Queen Arrested For Drugs.

December 12, 2014 Celebrity

Her Majesty The Queen was arrested last night for possession of illegal drugs and given a warning by London police. This was Queen’s second drug related arrest. Last year, she was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs after she was found passed out in her car near London’s Hyde Park. If you forced me to make up the worlds most ridiculous story, […]

Thumbnail image for BOE Publish New Mortgage Lenders and Administrators Statistics.

BOE Publish New Mortgage Lenders and Administrators Statistics.

December 12, 2014 Money Matters

The Bank of England, together with the Financial Conduct Authority have released the latest Mortgage Lenders and Administrators Statistics for the United Kingdom. The figures cover the third quarter of 2014. The data, which is published quarterly was compiled from the Mortgage Lenders & Administrators Return from information provided by regulated firms. The total of outstanding residential […]

Thumbnail image for Girl Online: Zoe Didn’t Quit The Internet.

Girl Online: Zoe Didn’t Quit The Internet.

December 10, 2014 Celebrity

Welcome to another slow-ass news day where nothing is going on except Kim Kardashian’s bottom, Katie Price’s boobs and some ugly bitches who clearly want a first-class ticket to hell. Oh where to begin? I’m writing a novel. It’s for children. I’ve written the first chapter. I get blogging but I’m not very good at writing novels. Not like Zoe Sugg, […]

Thumbnail image for Danielle Lloyd’s Marriage Gets A Decree Nisi Today.

Danielle Lloyd’s Marriage Gets A Decree Nisi Today.

December 10, 2014 Celebrity

Jamie O’Hara and Danielle Lloyd had 3 children during their seemingly happy marriage, but now those children are orphans (or whatever) because their Mum and Dad’s marriage is being rubber stamped with a Decree Nisi today. Danielle filed for divorce back in September after she saw pictures of her philandering husband enjoying a night out with […]

Thumbnail image for Sara Puts The X In XMAS.

Sara Puts The X In XMAS.

December 9, 2014 Celebrity

Santa’s eyes are smiling today because Sara X has just put the X in Xmas. In her latest video Sara delivers her boob-ballet to Jingle Bells and it’s no surprise that her video is already a viral hit. ITV should definitely slip Sara into Ant and Dec’s upcoming Christmas Show. More exposure for Sara. Make […]

Thumbnail image for Russell Brand: Tweets Private Telephone Number Of Fleet Street Journalist.

Russell Brand: Tweets Private Telephone Number Of Fleet Street Journalist.

December 9, 2014 Celebrity

In a business where everyone has such a ridiculous accent it makes them seem smart for precisely one sentence Britain’s broadsheets have excelled themselves today. All of them have reported on how Russell Brand has tweeted the private telephone number of one of their most hallowed journalists. Here you go. Yes. Mr Brand tweeted that photo of Neil Sears’ business […]

Thumbnail image for Daniella Westbrook Is Homeless – Living In Sheltered Accommodation.

Daniella Westbrook Is Homeless – Living In Sheltered Accommodation.

December 9, 2014 Celebrity

While a harem of naked boys bathe the cast of Eastenders in sesame oils while burning fifty pound notes in an onyx cauldron because the smell of burning money feeds their greedy souls, let us spare a thought for their former colleague, Daniella Westbrook who has fallen on hard times this Christmas. It seems that the former actress (and […]

Thumbnail image for Stamp Duty: What The Reforms Mean To You.

Stamp Duty: What The Reforms Mean To You.

December 8, 2014 Money Matters

Last week Chancellor George Osborne presented his Autumn statement to Parliament. He described the system of Stamp Duty and Land Tax as a “badly designed tax on aspiration.” He went on to say that with immediate effect the entire system would change. Up until now home buyers have had to pay Stamp Duty Land Tax (SDLT) on the entire […]

Thumbnail image for Isabella Cruise: Being A Hairdresser Can’t Be  Easy.

Isabella Cruise: Being A Hairdresser Can’t Be Easy.

December 8, 2014 Celebrity

Last year after his ex-wife, Katie Holmes had ejected Tom Cruise from their marriage an American glossy claimed that he had ‘abandoned’ his youngest daughter Suri. So Tom sued that glossy for $50 million. He sued them for defamation, libel, slander and anything else that meant ‘you’ve hurt my feelings now pay up.’  Bauer Publishing didn’t publish a sequel to that child abandonment story because they […]

Thumbnail image for It’s A Little Bit Funny….

It’s A Little Bit Funny….

December 8, 2014 Celebrity

Some of you may be feeling cloudy in the head this morning because you got lost in a weekend of debauchery. Well, don’t worry, that feeling is just life telling you that your spell in rehab hasn’t worked out. So pack up your feelings of self-pity and spare a thought for Sir Elton “dabbles in dick” John instead. Last night, […]

Thumbnail image for Russian TV:  Touch-A-Car Punch-A-Woman.

Russian TV: Touch-A-Car Punch-A-Woman.

December 7, 2014 Celebrity

If, even for fun you’ve made a list of female celebrities who deserve a punch in the face then you’d better tear that list up. Shred it and tear up the shreds because there’s nothing funny about a woman being punched. Leona Lewis got punched in the face once while signing copies of her new book. Not […]