Parking in London has changed. I said nothing when the City of Westminster got rid of all the parking metres in the West End.
And I stayed quiet when they began charging eight thousand pence for an overstayed visit to a parking metre that didn’t exist. After all those huge-ass potholes don’t just pay for themselves.
Nowadays you pay their asses by texting them your registration number and your credit card details. They don’t even issue you with a physical parking ticket anymore. I think the parking fine now comes through to your social media account.
I am now totally confused by this new virtual parking system. Not confused as in young boy gets confused as he watches woman undress. I mean confused as in why the hell did they ruin a perfectly good system of parking in the first place, kind of a way.
I mean, if you’re not going to at least provide me with a Somali born traffic warden to put a parking ticket on my window then you can fuck off.
And what about celebrities getting parking tickets stuck on their windscreens. You don’t see that anymore. I used to love seeing those tabloid pictures of a rich and famous person getting their parking ticket.
“Hold The Front Page! Celebrity Gets Parking Ticket. See The Riveting Video Here.”
I used to love reading those articles because they always reminded me that beneath all glittering veneer of fame celebrities are just like you and me.
But y’know, beautiful celebrities shouldn’t have to pay for parking. I mean look at Kelly Brook struggling with a parking meter in Los Angles. Kelly’s a big star now. She has a busy schedule, she can’t be circling around the streets all day looking for a parking space. Kelly Brook just needs to stop and then shop for her conditioner, lingerie and sex toys in peace. I’m just kidding, she doesn’t shop for that last one.
How is this world made better if Kelly were to start shopping online and the streets became filled with pensioners who motor down the road at snail defying speeds and forget to turn their indicators off for a week?
What we need is a system of parking which favours the beautiful and disfavours you know, those smarmy blue badge holders.
I think women with enormous cleavages and short skirts should get some kind of preferential treatment. This is how society could show how it values attractive women and how everyone should just shut the fuck up.