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X Factor:The Bitch Slap To End All Bitch Slaps.


X Factor,Bitch Slap,Tulisa,Gary Barlow,Fag Ash Breath,Christopher Maloney,In the ratings war the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing has tried to stop ITV’s X Factor from seeing the light of our TV screens. However this morning there’s not much execs at the BBC can do except spill tea, contemplate their navels and await their fate because last night they lost as the X in X Factor now stands for Xtraorinary.

Yes it’s true, last night I ate an imaginary bag of popcorn while watching a bizarre bitch fight between a middle-aged man wearing house slippers – Gary Barlow and a 20-something manufactured chav – Tulisa, who’s personal shopper was obviously once the wash room attendant at Sea Life.

Here’s what happened. Following tantrum toddler Christopher Maloney’s performance Tulisa criticised Gary for the song he had chosen by saying:

‘Gary, how many of these eighties classics are you going to let him keep destroying?’

There are two things you do never do to a middle aged pop icon. You never change the oldies station on his car radio and you never roll your eyes at him. Gary promptly pulled a little gem out of his no-no which made my black heart smirk with satisfaction:

”I don’t know what’s offended me more – what you said or the fag ash breath!’

I love that X Factor is putting the pain Gary and Tulisa feel into words and I love the bitter bitchiness they’re throwing at each other, but do they realize that they’re fighting over Christopher Maloney???  That piece of trash isn’t worth fighting over. It’s like two hookers fighting over a guy with erectile dysfunction.

So please X Factor, keep seating these two next to each other and I promise I’ll never smoke weed again!!! (Okay, not on days ending in Y but all the others, I swear.)

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