If Craig Revel-Horwood were ever to leave Strictly Come Dancing and take up blogging instead then I don’t know if his posts would be potent acts of bitchery mixed in with a little bitter sweet or just plain cruelness.
Eventually he’d post about the first time he played with an unmentionable that didn’t belong to him, how he flicked nipples in a little man-on-man action and since many would give a kidney just to lick the words Craig typed I know he’d be an instant success.
Well Ladies Gentlemen and Gays lube up your engines because The Star On Sunday says this could become a reality, they’re saying Craig is threatened to quit Strictly Come Dancing.
They’ve posted an entire interview with him and I have some of it for you below, but this bitch is long. So pour yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once Craig starts talking, he doesn’t stop.
Make sure to read it out loud too, you know in that precious aloof voice of his. Also try picturing him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at the reporter who faithfully typed his every word into a sparkly pink iPad. (you know it was)
On leaving Strictly:
“My real job is choreographing and directing – Strictly is my Saturday job.
“So I wouldn’t mind not judging at all. They can get rid of me if they want. I wouldn’t mind taking a year off from being a judge.”
On Strictly being better without Alesha Dixon:
“What’s great about the panel now is that every single person on it has devoted their life to dance.
“There are no gimmicks any more. We’ve all been passionate about dance our whole lives and that’s what qualifies us to be judges. Darcey is just fantastic.”
On mouthy dancer James Jordon (partnering Denise van Outen):
“We are getting on better than we have in the past but it will only take one false move on James’ behalf and it could all kick off.”
Now comes the best part so slip on your silver hot-pants because this is where Craig trashes ITV’s failing folly, The X Factor.
“We don’t need controversy like X Factor does. Strictly is a quality product and it’s a very classy event.”
“It adds a bit of glamour rather than the grotesque.”
“We don’t have a novelty act. We don’t need anyone like Rylan.”
This entire interview descends into a big bowl of laughs when Craig suggests he could use his very own brand of Crazy Glue to hold the show together if only Simon Cowell would drop £5m on him.
“If Simon Cowell offered me £5million I could give him advice that could save it. That’s hardly expensive – he probably spends that on the judges.”
This is why when Craig’s nutty bus comes rolling around the corner, I’ll run into the street and flag it down. Craig always makes for great entertainment and that’s what counts.
All Craig’s bitter bitchery via: Star-On-Sunday