Shame on everyone who voted Helen Flanagan off I’m a Celebrity last night. It’s a sad day when the goddess of cardboard boxes is sent home to the Manchester dolls hospital to have all her internal organs re-arranged back in their correct positions.
Seriously, watching last night’s episode was like watching a memorial service with neon lightning. Helen isn’t GONE! This has to be an act and those bitches Ant and Dec have to be trolling us.
When I heard the news I immediately ran upstairs and switched on my moving waterfall painting. When I plugged it in the entire painting lit up. The waterfall moved, the birds sang and the rainbow began to glow. Slowly my dead world came back to a life again. I dried my tears and tried to create a coherent thought from the nugget of dumb this sad news had turned my brain into.
I don’t know why Helen seemed so overcome with her reunion with the rest of us (unless she was crying warm tears of happiness) because she really is the winner here. She’ll be getting thousands of OK! dollars for her story, she doesn’t have to watch David punching baby ostriches in the head anymore and will no longer have to go to bed when News at Ten comes on.
The most awkward part of last night was watching the final group hug. Helen hugged everyone but didn’t even try to hug Eric properly. We all know that feeling. Sometimes you can’t hug a bitch that you hate, because you’re afraid you’ll squeeze that loser until all their organs pop out of their mouthes. Then you’ll do a dance on their insides and Helen probably felt that would be a little too much even for for reality television.
Oh Helen, you were so wrong in so many ways but I’ll miss your lazy sack
s of useless. Really I will.