After three months of entertaining us with annoying trash we are about see I’m a Celebrity, Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor disappear from our TV screens. Oh Britain, I won’t know you anymore!
For me there was nothing quite like lying on the couch on a Sunday afternoon nursing my hangover while watching Rylan Clark huff his lungs out via catch-up TV. We’re never getting back together now because Rylan’s gone.
It was a sad-ass day for everyone when we came to realize the only way Rylan would ever taste success was to lick it off of Gary Barlow’s microphone. This is why the world just doesn’t make sense. If it did then tacky trash trollops like Christopher Maloney would still be herding camels in Dubai. That bitch annoys the hell out of me I want to throw water balloons filled with rotten eggs at him.
Anyway, for the past week, the paparazzi have been aimlessly wandering the beaches of Southend, wondering what to do with themselves. Every now and again they come across a dead sea horse, it makes them break down in tears as they remember all the beautiful bikini moments they once shared with Rylan.
Well, the dark times are over for the paps, because Rylan is back on the slut circuit. Yes, Rylan has been reunited with his two true loves: the paps and bikinis, so it won’t be long before he starts texting them with his GPS coordinates.
What I really mean is Rylan is heading back to our TV screens via a new presenting job on ITV’s Daybreak.
Let me pass you over to Rylan who’s simply bursting to tell you the news:
“I can’t believe it. I only left X Factor a week ago and now I am joining Lorraine and Aled on the Daybreak sofa.
“I’m a massive fan of the show and it’s going to be so much fun sharing all the showbiz news and gossip with the nation each morning.
“I’m looking forward to keeping Richard’s seat warm while he’s swanning off on holiday, but I won’t be asking for any dancing tips just yet.”
I’m happy that Rylan is finally making a little money, which means he won’t be selling his internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why hasn’t Lucy Spraggen got her own show yet?