Most women who have bumped parts with Simon Cowell pray every night that nobody in Fleet Street will ever find out, but the once beautiful and glamorous Paula Hamilton isn’t like most women.
Paula, who is best known around these parts for her battles with booze-n-coke, isn’t happy that her name appeared nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell’s life.
So what’s a fame whore to do when a biography writer won’t light her name up in neon lights and let her be famous? The Daily Star says she runs off to Celebrity Big Brother to tell them all about her precious moments with Simon. Is what.
Yes it’s true, The Daily Star say that Paula is all set to enter the Big Brother house tomorrow night, and (they say) like Jasmine Lennard before her Paula will spill lots of beans regarding Simon’s sex life.
According to my favourite Daily Star reporter Peter Dyke, Paula’s sexy times with Simon started when they met at the Licensed Victuallers School in Slough. She was 12 years old and he was 14. After a few fluffy fumbles they finally bumped parts when Paula turned 16 and she says they didn’t stop until her lady garden practically submitted a transfer request.
(I know, the math doesn’t work for me either, but I guess Peter put that 16 thing in for legal reasons.)
Anyway here’s what Paula had to tell him about her breathless times with Simon:
“I lost my virginity to Simon. He was very, very protective of me. I couldn’t read or write until I was 11 so I was called stupid and bullied.
“Simon was important to me because he stopped them picking on me.”
After Paula left school she went on to date billionaire Michael Ashcroft, but he sent her away to a rehab clinic in Florida because she was always drug-n-drunk’ed When she returned to England Paula stayed off the sweet nectar for nearly seven years, got engaged and then tried to hang herself from a chandelier. Fortunately the chain broke and it all came crashing down into a big old mess on the floor. You can read more of Paula’s disastrous encounters with drink drugs and men in her book, Instructions Not Included.
I wish I’d stayed on at the Licensed Victuallers School in Slough, (yes that’s my old school too), maybe I could have saved Paula from the nightmare her life was to become. I didn’t stay on, I left at 16 and became a football hooligan.
For those of you less familiar with Paula’s life story, you may appreciate watching a re-run of the Volkswagon Golf advert from 1987. Back then Paula was the epitome of beauty glamor and everything a football hooligan couldn’t touch. She reminded me of Diana.
( I’m kidding your asses, I was never a football hooligan, I failed the interview)