Last night ITV kicked off their new flagship show, Splash, a diving competition where celebrities are chosen to display all the necessary ingredients to create a perfect portrait of refined elegance. If for some reason you missed this highly important show, then I’ll give you a quick resume.
Like I say, Splash is a diving competition for has-beens, fronted by Vernon Kay and Gabby Logan. ITV’s idea is to give Olympic dive champion, Tom Daley the opportunity to teach a whole bunch of tricks and tramps how to dive with grace poise and elegance. Every Saturday night the celebrities will demonstrate what they have learned from Tom during the week. The dive off.
Any celebrity who belly-flops into the water will suffer the wrath of Andy Banks, comedienne Jo Brand and former Olympic diver Leon Taylor who make up the judging panel. Oh that’s right too, if Jo Brand gives you a thumbs down then clearly you’re doing elegance all wrong.
It’s a bit like Strictly, only in water.
Having watched last night’s performance’s I now know what it must have been like to watch Leonardo da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa. Sugababes star Jade Ewen, not to be confused with my personal favourite Omid Djalili, was the first to dive. And oh boy didn’t she just prove herself the modern goddess of class when she hit the water like a gannet after a fish.
Jade was followed by Jake Canuso (who?) who looked like a third rate male stripper with a few stained euros to spend on his work clothes. Awful and cringe-worthy. Then came comedian, writer and actress Helen Lederer, she was funny, but when she hit the water she knocked out power to millions of homes, which is why I missed the fourth contestant Jenni Falconer hitting the water like a flying plate in a Vietnamese restaurant.
Now for my personal favourite. Omid Djalili was trying to make Gabby Logan believe that deep inside his Victorian-like costume rests a monster that could beat Lisa Riley in an arm wrestling competition for the last pizza in the parlour. Omid climbed up to the 10 metre board and then performed his dive (known as The Swan) but he appeared to flip over so he hit the pool on his back. Hardly displaying a perfect portrait of refined grace.
However Omid was the first celebrity to go through to the semi-final after getting a whole bunch of ‘more laughs please’ votes from the public (and coming top of the judges leader board).
Here’s Omid’s dive.