Ever since I told Little Spaniel Dog Murphy that Mistress HiDs was due home from LA he’s been sitting in the front porch. Since Friday. He said the door needed guarding to make sure crack-head Roy from next door doesn’t come in. Murphy. Silly little dog, but he sure does know the rules. HiDs banned crackheads from the house years ago.
This is why this week’s instalment of Murphy’s Paw is a day or so late. As HiDs is now home and crackhead hasn’t been seen since Friday (see above) I gave Murphy the subject of Katie Price to write about this morning. Katie has just got married but earlier today she tweeted something about legal action and the hotel where she and Keiran Hayler tied the knot.
Let me hand you over to Murphy who’ll take it from here.
Just to correct things it was MikeD. W’s idea to have me in the porch since Friday. He’s the one who lets our crackhead neighbour come in. Not me.
I got so bored that I nearly ate my own feet off. It’s amazing what you see through the letter box. I love the letter box. Every morning some dumb shit in a red jacket used to poke envelopes through it. I had him. Just the once. He don’t do that no more, so 10 out of 10 to me. Now I just look through it.
MikeD. W told me to bark at crackheads. I did see one, he was trying to steal a prostitute’s shoe. Can’t remember why. Anyway mistress H is home again so I’m off guard duty now but I hope that grey squirrel who kept flashing me his ass-hole has got my number, because it’s 666 bitch and you better KNOW it, I’m coming for you, you furred up mess.
Off thread? Well hardly.
Oh. Yes. Katie Price.
MikeD. W said he’d sniffed out a good little tale on the woman this morning. What’s he effing talking about? Sniffed out? There’s snow out there for god’s sake, he just followed the footprints. He’s the dumb-fuck of the century if he expects me to believe he put his nose into a pile of white powder and came up singing Katie Price’s name. No sir.
Anyway. He showed me this tweet (below) and asked me to throw a few words round it.
What is her problem exactly? Some pictures ‘commissioned’ by the Sun newspaper? Is that it? She writes a column for them doesn’t she?
Listen if I wanted to keep my dumb middle aged ass alive and well in the papers then I’d do the same thing. Phone the paps. Phone the papers. Phone my management. Phone every damn one until they all got the message. “Look at me being all relevant! “
You can see those pictures right here.
What does this bowl of bimbo dumbo expect to sue the hotel for anyway? How’s she gonna prove shit? And why isn’t she threatening to sue her employers for publishing them?
Yes, that’s right everyone Katie’s gone and deleted that tweet into a trash can labelled, ‘Failed publicity stunts by a stupid bitch bin’.
Anyways, I shouldn’t bite her rancid lady garden too hard. After all she’s got me writing about her shit. (I’m so much better than this)
Now then you dumb-ass squirrel. It’s snowing outside. Lots of footprints. I know what tree you’re in….
I got some scores to settle so if you’ll excuse me now, I’ll see you next week.
Tally Ho Woof.
Before Murphy left his work station and stomped off to the garden he wrote this post-it note and left it on his monitor.
I should also make a note. If I want to annoy Murphy, pull out a Marlboro. The more you know.
Source: Katie Price/Twitter