It’s DIVORCE For The Saatchi Strangler!

by Mike D.W on June 23, 2013

in Entertainment

Nigella Lawson,Saatchi Strangler,Charles Saatchi,Divorce, papers,Vanessa Lloyd Platt, art,pictures,strangled,throat,Nigella Lawson is preparing to serve divorce papers on the Saatchi Strangler because he’s an impossible piece of trash who shouldn’t be allowed to take care of even a cracked smile.

The Sunday Mirror are reporting this one exclusively today, so let me hand you over to their un-named sources who have all the details:

Her heart is bleeding right now. She wants out.Neither she nor Charles are ­interested in counselling or trying to save the marriage. It seems they’re done and she is broken and desolate. 

The marriage has been under strain for some time but the ­choking incident was the end.

If anything it is a ­relief for her that it could all be over very soon. There’s a sense she has ­already moved on in her own head. Rather than ­dwelling on the past she is already thinking about life without him.

(Via: Sunday Mirror.)

Hands up who didn’t see this coming. Lets face it the entire world has been putting their magnifying glasses up to this situation and I think we’re all pretty much decided that Charles’ idea of a “playful tiff”  to “emphasize a point” is probably something he learned at the Chris Brown School of Lady Bashing.

Of course Nigella’s going to divorce Charles’ strangling-ass – that’s the whole point. Obviously Nigella could have made HER point by resting a bread knife under his soft dick-a-dilly, or by shoving a fork up his ass but you know, divorce is the best way for her to play the game.

After all didn’t the Saatchi Strangler once say, “Women make great house keepers, you divorce them and then they get to keep the house.

The Saatchi Strangler has an estimated worth of £120m but my favourite divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt ( hi Vanessa!) says that taking Charles’ pants down might prove difficult:

She would not be ­entitled to his assets because he amassed most of them before the marriage. Anything they have amassed during the ­marriage, such as ­property bought together, they’d divide equally.

I know Vanessa is good at her job (I really really do) but doesn’t she know that being broke ruins people? If I were Nigella and had just read that from Vanessa then I would immediately enrol in an art class. I would duplicate all of Charles’ fancy works of art and then sell the originals on the black market. You’ve got to get yours somehow.

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