Last night all the girls in the sauna were talking about Holly Willoughby’s row with Katie Hopkins over children’s names. I wanted to talk about the latest exercises women do to enhance the shape of their breasts, but none of ladies seemed interested in that topic. Strangely.
I guess by now you’ll have heard how the two blondes on Wednesday’s screening of This Morning engaged in a heated exchange after Hopkins had claimed it was okay to judge other people’s children based only on their names. She said that kids with names like Tyler, Charmaine and Chardonnay were not the kind of kids she’d allow her children to play with because their parents were obviously unintelligent chavs with the thinking power of headless Barbie dolls.
When Katie said she totally refused to allow her children to associate with the ‘lower classes’ because they where all trouble makers, the other guest on the show, Anna May Mangan, got terribly upset and called Katie an
asshole insufferable snob. Jump to the video below, it’s funny as hell.
Anyways, I got to thinking about the children of celebrities. Would you want your kids playing with them after school. No, you wouldn’t. Here’s why. It’d be way too expensive. Imagine your kids coming home with requests like, “Mum, can I have a new play station 65, cos Pacific Ocean’s got one” or, “Why can’t we have a Lamborghini Dad? Oscar Winner’s Dad has one.“
You know, one way to avoid that recurring nightmare is to think ahead. Before putting your kids into a posh private school ask to see the class register. Look for names like Shiloh Pitt or North West Kardashian, Blue Ivy Carter. Tu Morrow there’s another one.
Names like these say everything about their dumb-ass parents. It’s like their kids arrived here on a spaceship. I’m waiting for the first creatively minded celebrity to name their kid, Dunk My Head In The Toilet. I mean, who names their kid ‘Apple’ or ‘Capone’ (Gwyneth Paltrow!)
And for the record, naming a kid after a psychotic killer isn’t gonna make the playground any safer. The name ‘Apple’ is tougher than the name ‘Dancing Chocolate Bar’ I grant you but only just. She could have named her second kid ‘Godzilla’ and he’s still gonna get his ass whooped because his mum is in the papers on a daily basis lecturing the world on global warming and healthy eating habits.
Needless to say, Jamie Oliver hit a home run with “Petal Blossom Rainbow” and “Buddy Bear Maurice”. Those aren’t even real names, they’re crazy messed-up names you only see in fairy stories about hamsters that wear glasses and morning coats and have pocket watches.
There’s loads of examples of how completely innocent words, given the right set of circumstances, can be nightmarishly disturbing in the hands of the average dumb-ass celebrity. Like I say check the register before you put your kid in a school.