All week my Twitter feed has been alive with tweets about The Saatchi Strangler. At first most of the tweets out there were about Charles’ divorce from Nigella Lawson but then on Friday the Twittersphere exploded with tweets about what Phoebe, Charles’ 18 year-old daughter had said about her former step-mother.
As I haven’t posted on The Saatchi Strangler in like forever what better reason to lay down a few words than the news coming from the Mail-on-Sunday this morning about Charles threatening to strangle himself.
So, before we get into it in depth, let me remind your asses of the background:
In June of this year the Saatchi Stangler is caught in the act of strangling his wife Nigella Lawson during an argument at a Scotts restaurant in London. The Strangler then issues a statement saying that they were just playing. Then the police slap the Saatchi Strangler with a caution and let him waltz away to strangle again some other day.
During all of this Nigella keeps her mouth shut and doesn’t say a thing to support Charles’ ‘just playing around’ theory. She and the two children from her previous marriage then move out of the house. By not saying anything Nigella has actually said everything so the Saatchi Strangler sues her for divorce. Charles didn’t call or text to tell Nigella that he was divorcing her, so she probably found out by reading it in The Daily Mail.
And now their marriage is dead.
Anyways. Last Thursday Saatchi’s daughter 18 year-old daughter Phoebe issued a statement claiming that she felt ’abandoned’ by her stepmother Nigella. This caused everyone on Twitter to start LOLing like hookers on a carrot truck and suggest that in truth Charles himself had put Phoebe up to it in order to bring pressure on Nigella. But for what reason was the question on everyone’s finger tips.
Well the news from MOS today might go some way to answering that question. The paper are saying that Charles allowed his daughter to issue a statement to them accusing her stepmother of “behaviour that was potentially illegal”. They say the statement contained a number of criminal allegations that they could not substantiate so they didn’t report on the claims.
And they’re also saying that according to their sources, the Saatchi Strangler never really wanted a divorce and had hoped that by issuing proceedings Nigella would see sense and return to the marital home where he could set about strangling her all over again. Nigella has called his bluff and their marriage is in the trash and their sources are saying the Saatchi Strangler is now crying.
Apparently he’s been texting Nigella every hour of every day pleading and begging her to come home but Nigella has been laughing at his ass and dumping those texts in the trash without even reading them. Putain merde, can this be true!
However. The Saatchi Strangler did make a phone call to Nigella in which he threatened to strangle himself. So well well well. What will happen next?
Will the Strangler strangle himself or will true love prevail and la famille des Stranglers be reunited once more? Lets hope we get ‘another line’ on this soon.
And by line I don’t mean these idiot fools either.