I’m guessing that Dress Disasters is the one NMi post that scares celebrities the most and the reason why my inbox fills up with e-mails from angry bitches screaming about my offensive jokes. I’m sure that if I just ignore them for long enough they’ll hyperventilate out of their knickers and we’ll all win.
(note to celebs: You might want to put a blindfold on before you read this mess.)
Last night London’s Leicester Square was the venue for the premiere of One Chance, a film about Paul Potts, the mobile phone salesman who won Britain’s Got Talent when he sang Nessun Dorma. The video then earned him 116m hits on YouTube and a whole new life.
All the pictures from the red carpet are now in, Claudia Winkleman looking like she’d taken a kitchen knife to her hair before throat punching a pixie, violinist Linzi Stoppard, looking like the inside of her mouth tasted of moonshine, brownies and rabbit pellets, Jemima Roope looking like Cinderella’s evil stepmother gone disco and of course Vanessa Feltz who’d turn up to the opening of a crisp packet if she thought there were photographers in attendance.
And no, I’m not saying shit about the beautiful and courageous Stella English – she knows my ass on Twitter is why. (good move kid)
And so to James Cordon and his very lovely wife, Julia Carey. It goes without saying that tongues will curl and nipples will moisten every time James hits the red carpet. But spare a thought of sympathy for poor Julia who really thought she was looking as hot as a bottom shelf not-as-glamorous Sharon Stone. But she wasn’t. No, Julia was wearing a giant diagram which would probably have made Vanessa Feltz’s wig jump off her head and cling to the ceiling had she crept up behind her.
No darling Julia, I’m afraid your dress was like watching a demon bulldog inhaling a whole face-full of dirty ass.
Now, my good friend over at WTF Fashion Shark will be posting an in depth assassination of the entire week’s dress disaster’s, so bookmark that link back there because WTF is a really really funny lady. In fact she’s so damn funny I once asked her to guest post for NMi. Bitch sent me the mad rhubarb stealing woman instead. See below. (NSFW)