Yesterday afternoon while I was getting drunker than a thousand Apaches in a cocktail bar the Internet exploded. Every website on Earth burst into a million pieces after naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Teresa Palmer, Kristen Dunst, Amber Heard, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kate Upton and others were splattered over the world’s digital servers.
What seems to have happened here is that due to a security lapse at iCloud (which acts as a back-up storage device for Apple users) an anonymous hacker was able to access the mobile phones of some A-List ladies. When the hacker passed through the security gates he immediately opened all the ladie’s private picture galleries. And guess what he found?
Yes that’s right, he found naked ass, naked boobs and naked minge’atouille! The hacker then stole all the ladie’s NSFWs and wallpapered the Internet with them for all to see. Oh what WOOKADOO day that hacker had.
Apparently he has stolen more than 60 NSFW pictures of Jennifer Lawrence alone. She’s furious and her rep pretty much confirmed her fury when she told TMZ that they’ve contacted the authorities.
“This is a flagrant violation of privacy. The authorities have been contacted and will prosecute anyone who posts the stolen photos of Jennifer Lawrence.”
The hacker, who could get more jail time than most rapists if caught, also claims to have a video of Miss Lawrence performing an unnatural sex act. He wants to sell it so he’s asking for donations to his paypal account. He also says that he has nipple pictures of, Ariana Grande Latte, Mary-Kate Olsen, Avril Lavigne, Selena Gomez, Winona Ryder, Hilary Duff, Kelly Brook, Cat Deeley, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna and on and on and on…..
Some of the ladies have denied that their pictures are real, calling them fakes, however Mary Elizabeth Winstead took to her Twitter and said:
To those of you looking at photos I took with my husband years ago in the privacy of our home, hope you feel great about yourselves. Knowing those photos were deleted long ago, I can only imagine the creepy effort that went into this. Feeling for everyone who got hacked.
You know, I agree. And so does Twitter who have threatened to suspend anyone who tweets these stolen artefacts to their followers. And you know I can’t show you these pictures either since I too have been threatened with the iron mask.
Of course, everyone is now screaming, “WHY KEEP PICTURES OF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS ON YOUR PHONE!” Again, I agree. I mean who wants their artistic nudies turning up on social media sites where shitty bloggers (why is everyone looking at me?) can Photoshop them into their columns of shame.
I mean WHO would do that?!