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General Election – Now Hiring.


General Election,News-media-imges,By now everyone must know that the 8th June is the day that Britain holds a General Election. If you believe Teresa May then this is also the day that everyone wakes up to find themselves less fat, less unhappy and recycling has become sexy again.

General Election. Who to vote for?

I’m not sure who would ruin our country better? The Workers Socialist Party, Labour or the Conservatives. Personally I’m in favour of the United Voices of Samba Socialists. Not heard of them? Well head over to the Brazilian consulate where you’ll see models showing off their legs.

What is an election manifesto?

An election manifesto is a document which is published by a political party. It launches a series of political pledges on a range of different issues. These papers are then critiqued by anyone with an axe to grind. After the election these manifestos are torn up and largely ignored. 

This General election poses a number of questions for me and I’m not seeing them answered in any party political manifesto.

For example. Will ten thousand pounds pay my rent next month? Why is there no exchange rate for the Greek drachma? What does Jeden Biały Coffe proszę” mean?

What about the pollsters? They can read the prevailing winds like Victoria Beckham can read an OBE.

Seriously, they can. If the pollsters come out for Jeremy Corbin then it’ll be less about his political philosophy and more about a life-line for a scandal-plagued old fool that nobody likes.

What about the TV news stations? They’ll spend the next six weeks grabbing their viewers by the ankles and dragging them back to the chunky hellscape that was the 2015 general election. Although, compared to what’s happening now, I look back at those innocent, sweet days with a degree of fondness.

The voters.

Most over the age of 50 will bitch and posture. Then they’ll vote UKIP. If anyone younger than 30 actually bothers to vote, then the Green Party will be neck and neck with Plaid Cymru, after agreeing that cannabis should replace war and 90% is an appropriate tax rate.

The Politicians:

I have but one word for politicians. Narcissistic Bags of Delusion. I know, like politicians everywhere, I lied. That was three words.

 

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