Hollywood Heartaches.

Hollywood HeartachesWhy is the world of show business so often filled with tears of sadness? Really, I have to ask because despite all their sparkling jewellery and bulging bank accounts many of our glittering celebrities have suffered the kind of relationship fails we call the Hollywood Heartaches.

Take these couples below for example. They’ve all broken up in the last twelve months. Yes, the Hollywood heartaches indeed.

Lets start with Cheryl Fernandez-Versini who has ended her 18-month marriage to Jean Bernard Fernandez-Versini. The Geordie beauty may not be Hollywood but none the less she began divorce proceedings last month by filing legal papers in which she cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason for the break down of her marriage.

Well I don’t know, what else can a lady say when the great love of her life has fallen apart? Yeah it was great, we had sex once a month and then he yelled at me for flirting with a waiter? Amazing that they fell apart. Not.

Photography Prints

Moving on. 43-year-old actress Jennifer Garner has had a sad expression on her face for what seems like forever. Her ex husband Ben Affleck has been spending time with actress Elle Fanning. Ok, it’s been time spent on the set of his latest movie (Live By Night) but sometimes that’s all a woman needs to hear before getting herself off to the gym for a few bum squeezes and stomach crunches.

Now we come to Gwen Stefani who broke up with Gavin Rosedale after discovering that he’d had a three year affair with their nanny. Rich English dads are always having affairs with the nanny so I’m not sure why it took three years for Jennifer to find out.

Let’s just say Jennifer has lost her Sherlock Holmes detective badge.

After eleven years of dating, five years of marriage and two children with that skinny chap from 90210, Megan Fox has cut her husband loose. Nobody will fully understand why a world class ‘sextress’ was hooked up with a one-show nobody when she could’ve hit the big time with any A-lister in trousers. According to the gossip columns, husband Brian Austin Green got tired of Megan’s obsession with film roles that took her away from finding his video game controllers under the couch cushions.

I’m sure you’ll come out fine in the end Miss Fox. However, I recommend you employ one of those reputation lawyers to expunge your former name, Austin Green from all Google searches. 

If there’s no love in your heart this year because you’ve been waiting for a single 32-year-old woman with a terrible attitude then I have good news for you. Dutch model Lara Stone has ended her five year marriage to David Walliams. It was all Gone in 60 Seconds during a hearing at the High Court of Justice in September of last year.

Well who can blame her, that man acts like he’s gayer than soya milk. More to the point, one could sit at home and practice being annoying in the mirror and still not do it any better than David Walliams.

The Hollywood heartaches continue with Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. The on-off reality show that knows no bounds. On Monday evening the Kardashian clan held a dinner to honor the late Robert Kardashian’s birthday. Scott Disick was there too. Later in the evening Kourtney and Scott were seen very much together on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat. Now everyone’s wondering if they’re back on again.

Kourtney Kardashian had to know there was something wrong with Scott Disick the first time he told her he was an an unemployed nobody. Sometimes you need to make babies before you can size up a chap’s potential. Not a good sign for the future.

According to friends of Kaley Cuoco, the Big Bang Theory actress wasn’t surprised by her recent divorce from husband Ryan Sweeting. After only 21 months it was the kind of marriage that gay activists point to as a heterosexual marriage fail. Really, it was.

There were good times of course but according to sources the divorce was a long time coming. Which is an odd thing to say after a year and a half marriage.

Last September Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced that they were done with each other. After nearly 40 years together I thought this was some shameless stunt to promote their new TV show. It may very well be a shameless stunt and if it is then they’re milking it.

Kermit the Frog’s new love is another pretty pig by the name of Denise. I guess Kermit must be a ‘porkosexual’ because he just can’t get enough of pigs. David Cameron please note!

And that brings us to the end of this round of Hollywood Heartaches.

PS: Just so as you know, my job is to sit here, drink tea and post acerbic commentary about the trashy headlines we see in the gossip columns. That’s my job. It’s all I do with my sad little life. (not really) However, were I a lawyer then perhaps I’d take a different view of celebrity break-ups.

Take Simpson Millar LLB Solicitors for example. Recently they published the infographic you see below. They have consider the legal aspect behind each of the aforegoing break-ups. Interesting read.

Infographic: 8 Celebrity Couples in Crisis

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