Maria Sharapova is now working her way through the six steps of loss. Or whatever you call it when you lose all your sponsors because you’ve had your name added to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s (WADA) accredited list of dopes because you’ve been caught cheating.
Yes, it’s true. Last night, just hours after being suspended from women’s tennis, Maria Sharapova lost her lucrative deal with Nike, where she has her own branded clothing line. It was worth a reported $70million to her. According to Forbes, Maria also earns around $30million each year in endorsement deals with American Express, Avon, Evian, Porsche and Tag Heuer.
Jeez that’s an expensive hand in the medicine jar. No doubt Maria will be yanking at her hair this morning because she failed to open the WADA e-mail which declared Meldonium a banned substance. Which is understandable as an e-mail beginning with Stop Putting A Meldonium up your ass usually gets marked down as spam.
Maria says that she has been using Meldonium since the age of four. Lots of people suffering with angina (!?!) use the same drug. It stimulates the heart apparently.
Oh dear oh dear what will poor Maria do now? No tennis and an empty counting house.
There’s options, there’s always options. For example Maria could start a new sport. Fake tennis. This sport would allow girls who are not athletically gifted to compete. The girls wouldn’t have to hit a ball back and forth, no they’d just jump up and down in mini-skirts while screaming erotically.
I know, technically fake tennis wouldn’t be a sport but it would be a million times better to watch than proper tennis. It would also keep Maria fit and stop her growing into an obese Russian monster.
UPDATE: According to sources the online art gallery, ArtPopper has stepped forward in Maria’s hour of need. We understand that an offer of sponsorship has been made.
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