≡ Menu

John Travolta – Toupee Tumble.


John-Travolta-No-Wig-Gym

Just as I was thinking that Scientology’s thetan of toupees, John Travolta always wore a well-ventilated wig to the gym someone on the internet goes and proves me wrong.

Yes, it now seems that whenever John goes for a workout he leaves his wig hair hanging on the rearview mirror in his car. Go imagine, but that picture above rather proves my point.

Actually I don’t understand why John Travolta bothers wearing a wig at all because that picture is as gay as a man can look without a penis in his mouth.

So, what’s this messy story all about? Let me hand you over to a Redditor from Florida who writes:

“I thought I was at the gym by myself at 3am, then this guy comes up to me and introduces himself.”

As you can see from the picture the lad posted to Reddit “this guy” was none other than John Travolta. But at 3am in the morning? I’m guessing now but whenever John Travolta introduces himself at that time of day he’s probably holding a tube of bottie lube in his hand. And that’s a worry for some folk.

Now the Daily Mail et-al have all asked lots of searching questions about this extraordinary news event. However, the one question none of those ‘terribles tabloïds’ have bothered to ask is the very question many of us want an answer to.

Why does John Travolta continue to behave like a horrific animal abuser by wearing a parched, tortured, half-dead Maltese doggie on his head? For example, a bit like this one (below) which he wore to the Living Legends of Aviation Awards in Los Angles recently.

John-Travolta-wig-pilots-awards

But you know, John Travolta getting friendly with a chap in a gym isn’t an unusual event, but letting the fellow take a picture of him without his weave most certainly is.

And you know what else? Stocks and shares in wig making firms are now in free-fall because canny investors know that if John Travolta is becoming comfortable  in public without his wig on then the market for wigs is in imminent danger of collapse.

Stephen Fry Is Now A Husband.


Stephen Fry-Marriage-Elliot Spencer

Stephen Fry Got Married: Earlier this month, 57-year-old Stephen Fry took to Twitter to say that he intended marrying his 27-year-old lover, Elliot Spencer.

Last week Stephen had claimed that no date had been set for the wedding after confirming his engagement to Elliot earlier in the month. Now it seems the pair have shown their middle fingers to the dark-sided, unholy types from Fleet Street and got themselves married in secret.

In the above picture taken at yesterday’s ceremony never mind that Stephen looks like a proud father beaming with pride while watching his son graduate from university, when I first saw it I thought it was a snap from the wedding rehearsal. It’s so plain and so non-opulent. I mean, that table looks like it’s been set for a governmental press conference.

And that hand puppet in the foreground. Was it placed there as a fuck-you to that bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un who’s just made homosexuality a capital crime in North Korea?

Who knows.

Anyway. After marrying Elliot in his home town of Dereham in Norfolk Stephen has become a husband for the first time. The couple had been dating for around a year. So, congratulations to Stephen Fry and his new wife? Is that right, is that what you say?

After the ceremony Stephen once again took to Twitter and left these messages for his adoring followers.

Stephen-Fry-tweets-marriage

Stephen’s reference to green carnations goes back to the Victorian era when gay men wore them on their lapels. It was Oscar Wilde who first made the flowers a symbol for all the ‘gay-n-proud’ chaps of the times.

However, I have no idea what “Gosh. Go into a room as two people…and leave as one” might mean. It sounds like Stephen ate Elliot.

Once again, congratulations to Stephen and Elliot. And congratulations to all those psychology students out there who now have a new case study to write about.

Perez Hilton Insults Everyone.


Perez Hilton_CBBPerez Hilton, the penis drawing blogger from America has escalated his feud with the human race on Celebrity Big Brother this week.

More specifically. Perez Hilton has been waging a bitchy slap fight with Alicia Duvall, Patsy Kensit, Cami Li and Katie Hopkins. The thing is no one knows why.

The latest drama erupted on Wednesday evening when he suggested that two female housemates should become fake lesbians in order to get more camera time.

Seriously, was Perez Hilton suggesting that ‘world famous stars’ like Alicia Duvall and Cami Li should start dreaming about tea-bagging each other? Now that is just obscure bitchy. How can you talk about being fake lesbians with ladies that even in your underground ass-bandit friends have never heard of?

Oh, no Perez. Unsmiley face. Jesus man, you’re 37. Despite wishing on every star in the universe, you’re not actually a school girl. Now, draw a penis on Katie Hopkins’ blouse and put this messy mess behind you.

Naturally directing suggestions like these at innocent cherubs is going to offend the viewing public. They just are. I mean, sixteen people have now complained to the media watchdog Ofcom. Sixteen!

The name Perez Hilton is also top of the bookies’ list for an ass-bouncing out the door and off the show.

By the way…. I do so love the way the Daily Mail have said this about Perez Hilton.

“Perez Hilton made a name for himself publishing vicious and mean-spirited coverage of the rich and famous on his self-titled blog….”

(via Daily Mail)

That’s so cool! I know, there by the grace of god go I.

Krazy Karl Lagerfeld – King Of Benefits.


Karl-Lagerfeld-king-benefits

For years the soulless tramps of the benefits culture have been confused about the meaning of their lives. They only have themselves to blame. Or so says controversial ‘cloth designer’ Krazy Karl Lagerfeld, 81.

Krazy Karl says he’s going to start caring about the feelings of those people who are unfortunate enough to be living on benefits. Krazy Karl is going to change their lives and he believes that without him there’s really no hope left for benefit kind.

Krazy Karl also says that people on benefits desperately need a new leader. Someone who can lead from the front, tell a dumb-ass what to do, set minimum standards together with a new code of ethics, behaviour and morals. You know, like an employee at McDonalds has.

In order to lead our people Krazy Karl says his subjects need to dethrone that impostor, Ian Duncan-Smith and then anoint him, Krazy Karl Lagerfeld as the new KING of BENEFITS!

So, if you’re on Job seekers, incapacity benefit, depressed, really obese or just can’t be assed then you’d better listen up. Your life is about to change. Here’s how.

Let me hand you over to Stylist magazine because Krazy Karl Lagerfeld has told them exactly what he’d do as the new King of Benefits:

“I would make myself King and we would fight fiercely against sloppiness. Being well turned-out is not a question of means. Benefits for families would be replaced by maintenance bonuses for those who make an effort.”

“Studying the dictionary should be compulsory. One page per day, like my mother made me do when I was little, with parents testing children in the evening.”

“I would make everybody learn two or three languages. Being trilingual is essential, it opens doors for you, opens your mind and helps you to avoid Alzheimer’s disease.”

Every heartless creature at Conservative party HQ can now breathe a sigh of relief because they know that Krazy Karl Lagerfeld is back to his ridiculous best but hey, let’s just pretend like this never happened at all.

FUN FACT: At this very moment Krazy Karl Lagerfeld is down in his dungeon trying to find the formula which makes plus size models grow mink hair.

Source: Daily Star

2015 – A Bad Year To Invest In Buy-to-Let?


Buy-to-Let-Property-NMi

According to the Financial Times 2015 is a bad time to invest in buy-to-let property in the UK.

Er why exactly?

According to estate agent, Savills buy-to-let landlords have never had it so good. Over the past five years buy-to-let landlords have made nearly £200bn in capital gains alone. Apparently.

Demand for rental properties has increased massively and why has demand increased massively? Because people who don’t already own a house can’t afford to buy one – is why. So they have to rent instead.

That reason alone has pushed rental values up and consequently made the market very attractive for investors who can afford to buy rental property.

So what are the FT on about?

The FT are saying that with an election looming property is becoming a political issue. They say (quite rightly) that when any industrial sector becomes political, it’s never good news for those investors involved in it.

But isn’t it an unspoken economic objective of any modern government to keep house prices stable or rising? Surely that gives the voters a feel good factor.

Borrowed money accelerates returns so, when prices go up you get lots of ‘got-rich-quick’ stories in the newspapers. Well that’s good news if you’re in government and hoping to get re-elected.

However, the FT say that the nervousness about 2015 is not all down to evil buy-to-let investors or ambitious politicians.

They’re saying that another factor to make the UK property market so toxic right now is the UK is one of the few property markets where ordinary folk are able to buy an investment property using money borrowed at low rates of interest for a relatively long period.

In other words people are using the equity in their existing homes to buy another one which they then rent out.

And why is that important?

Well it’s important because the UK housing market actually IS politically important. Should a housing crash loom then you can expect action from government or the Bank of England.

It’s a bit like the way the US Federal Reserve keeps an eye on their stockmarket. In America, people feel rich if shares are going up. This ‘wealth effect’ helps to keep the whole American consumer show on the road. In the UK, rather than stocks and shares it’s the property market which supplies that ‘wealth effect’.

The net effect of all this is that most people still believe that you can’t go wrong with bricks and mortar.

We’re as safe as houses, right?

So I ask again what are the FT on about?

Message from our Sponsor

This article was sponsored by ARG Financial Services Limited.

As independent financial advisors we deal with financial planning, mortgages, insurance, equity release, savings, investments and wealth preservation.

Our job is to help you realise your ambitions – whatever they may be. As professional financial advisers we can help you make informed decisions about your financial future, short, medium and long term.

For further information call us on 020 8989 9666 or complete our enquiry form which you’ll find HERE.

We look forward to hearing from you.

How Coleen Nolan Listened To Sexy Son.


Coleen-Nolan-Shane-Richie-Jnr-voicemail-sexColeen Nolan. Now would be a good time to light a WTF candle and pour yourself a glass of pick-me-up, because this story is all sorts of messed up.

Essentially the story is about is a son who left his mother a voicemail message at 4 am in the morning.

Yesterday, Coleen Nolan explained to her fellow panelists on ITV’s Loose Women how her son, Shane Richie Jr inadvertently left her a voicemail at 4am after accidentally pressing the redial button on his phone.

The following morning Coleen heard that message. It wasn’t just a play, listen and delete kind of a message either. You see, when Shane inadvertently hit the re-dial button he was getting deep down and dirty with his girlfriend. His hump noises were all recorded and sent to his Mum’s voicemail.

There’s moaning and then there’s moaning. Coleen told the nation how she listened to the sound of sex for 4 and a half minutes!

Let me hand you over to Coleen. In her own words….

Honesty + Live TV = Not always the best policy.

Poor old Shane, this was like his Mum had revealed they once had a multi-generational family rape camp with mongoloid babies locked in a basement. It was that kind of embarrassing.

And only 4 and a half minutes of sex?!? Wham bam thank-you ma-am? Was that the best Shane could do? That’s even more embarrassing.

Shane was aghast, shocked and humiliated. So he took to his Twitter – see below:

Shane-Richie-jr-tweet

Of course this could just be one of those weird close family things, but I still think a search warrant for a sweep of Coleen’s basement might be in order.

Anyway. In the meantime, the ticketing machine at the Circle Line of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Coleen’s name on it. Quite right too.

We’re back! Hosted By Khloe Kardashian.


Khloe-Kardashian

KHLOE KARDASHIAN: It’s been a long old while since NMi had a makeover. Since 2009 it’s been running around the world wide web without combing it’s hair or brushing it’s teeth.

Finally NMi has had a redesign and is debuting its new look today. It won’t be nearly as gorgeous as Khloe Kardashian, but then nothing is.

NMI has also switched themes, and it took Godhammer over there at Thesis some time to shove all our posts from the old theme into the new one. All hail to Godhammer to whom we give our eternal thanks.

The posting system is a bit different too which means we’re going to mess shit up for a while but please bear with us, we’ll get used to the new procedures. Eventually.

So, without further ado lets get back to what we do best – throwing digital shit-balls at the rich and pompous.

Because it was raining yesterday Khloe Kardashian was unable to go hunting in the woods for wild boar so she spent the day sweating like a pig and playing with her photoshop.

You’re right of course, nothing says “plastic tits like being flipped horizontal in Photoshop. Yes, 2 + 2 = 4. Four plastic tits ready to upload to Instagram. See above.

When you go to the afterworld and step out of the lift, you’ll see that image (above) hanging on the wall. Don’t be fooled by all it’s ‘happiness in white’. If you look closely, you’ll see Khloe’s soulless dead eyes. Then you’ll know you were tricked, that lift went down, not up, you’re not in heaven, you’re in the bowels of Hell.

Lets face it though, Khloe Kardashian has truly suffered to bring us this beautiful picture, so elegant, so timeless and so artistic. You’d think she ripped it from a page of Vogue Magazine circa 1985. But no, I don’t know why she decided to dress like that, maybe she’d just finished her shift as an afternoon go-go dancer at Cafe de Paris.

To be perfectly honest with you, looking at that picture I don’t know what’s the more hilarious, Khloe looking like a lesbian on the left or the 150lbs of pure satan on the right.

I also didn’t know that Adobe had produced a filter for Photoshop called Muscle Reduce either.

Nicola McLean & Sallie Axl – Twitter Wars.


Nicola-Mclean-Sally-Axl-Twitter-Wars

Nicola McLean and Sallie Axl. Ugh. Two pretentious boobsberries who make me want to vomit up all my favourite organs.

I don’t pretend to understand these smutty ‘celebsitutes’ but if Trolls-on-Twitter is a group you can declare war on then so be it.

Introducing:

Sallie Axl used to have a column in The Daily Star but she’s probably better known as a Twitter troll – a trolloping trollahollic who sends deliberately provocative messages to her fellow celebrities.

Nicola McLean also has a column, hers is in Closer magazine but she’s better known for her glamour modeling, which means she’s a ‘hot woman’ who can make a living by getting her tits out.

So. Last night a bunch of Z rated nobodies were given their free passes to a month of renewed fame courtesy of Channel 5’s painful reality show, Celebrity Big Brother.

As the show’s presenter, Emma Willis introduced viewers to the fourteen desperadoes who’ll compete in this dubious and dull event a messy nonsense unfolded on Twitter. It began the moment Emma introduced Alicia Duvall.

Sallie started the twitspat by directing some jolly trollity at Nicola McLean. You’ll remember how Nicola was forced to split from her husband, Tom Williams last summer following reports of cheatery with a woman in Las Vegas. Well that’s where Sallie began.

Sallie Axl: Begins….

tweet-Sallieaxl-1 copy

Nicola McLean: Responds…..

Nicola-Mclean-tweet copy

Sallie Axl: Replies….

sallie-axl-tweet-2 copy

And so it went back and forth all night. It’s still (sort of) going on now. Maria Fowler has been mentioned in proceedings this morning as has that ridiculously ignorant Aisleyne Whateverherslutnameis.  Actually I’m amazed that the woman can even read and write. She sure as hell can’t spell.

It’s not the first time these social media retards have taken their nitwit bitch battles to Twitter, The Daily Star reported on the last one back in May.

Maybe Nicole McLean will back down one day and consent to merge her self-described genius with Sallie Axl’s. Together they could create offspring, a child of epically annoying proportion. Yes, a little baby, the anti-christ of assholes, publishing self-reflective tweets through every poop filled nappy.

Y’know, someday these two will get locked up, sectioned in a place we cordon off for egotistic offenders. We’ll send Katie Hopkins in there to kick them in their bacon flavoured vagabons and to take pictures that will make us LOL. Yes, that is my dream.

Changing the subject, if Nicola McLean’s ex husband were planning on going on a killing spree, now would be a good time.