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Pamela Anderson – Blogging On Monster May

Pamela Anderson-Theresa May-News-media-images-newsmediaimagesPamela Anderson may be a drunken slattern cake but she’s nothing like as vile as the British Prime Minister. The actress took to her blog last week and penned a scathing article which condemned Monster May as ‘the worst Prime Minister in living memory.’

In her article Pamela Anderson says that after her appearance at the scene of the Grenfell Tower fire Theresa May is on her ‘last legs.’

An excert from the post reads:

‘Theresa May, who is on her last legs. Theresa May, of the Pyhrric victory.

Theresa May, who won’t shake the hand of the victims of the Grenfell fire. Who doesn’t care about poor people. Who doesn’t care about justice or peace…

The worst Prime Minister in living memory.’

There you have it. Everybody is now playing their part –  plunging the knife into ‘Monster May’.

This might be provocative if it weren’t the millionth time that Monster May has been symbolically slaughtered in everything from graffiti wall paint to trending Facebook feeds.

Lets remove politics from the equation for a moment and remember that Pamela Anderson didn’t get where she is today by not recognising an opportunity.

No sir, Pamela Anderson seamlessly combines her two driving passions in a never ending round of braless appearances.

What would be Pamela Anderson’s greatest achievement? It’s hard to say because her passion for saving animals measures equally with her desire to throw back a couple gin and tonics.

Have any of Pamela’s achievements changed hearts and minds? I don’t know. We’re still eating hormone injected cows while the Japanese are still eating whale blubber with their Doritos. 

The animals have to be laughing at us. Damn it. Let’s eat.

Theresa May – Britain’s Day Of Laughter

Theresa May,politics,Election,results,UKWhen Theresa May asked the British people if they wanted another five years of counter-productive governance nobody expected it to end in a national day of laughter. But it did.

Thursday’s election results saw the Conservatives’ lose their parliamentary majority of 17, winning just 318 seats – eight short of the 326 they needed to create a majority government. Theresa May has now confirmed that she will form a minority government. It will propped up by Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party.

Theresa’s March to Defeat.

During the election campaign Theresa May made a stupendous fool out of herself. After announcing the election she turned from a competent, ambitious politician into a deranged Brexit crusader.

That caused her personal ratings to plummet to the worst ever recorded by a sitting prime minister. So Mrs May decided to act. She sacked her media and political strategists calling them,

‘Utter nincompoops who have made me look like a total vacillating ninny.’

Brexit Means Brexit. This patronising mantra seemed to give Theresa power until some murderous individuals started stabbing people in the name of religion. That awful reality turned her out of touch speeches into prophesies of doom.

Strong and Stable Leadership. This monotonous soundbite cut no sway with the electorate who pointed at her dubious record of cutting police numbers.

Dementia Tax. Theresa had hoped that those who heard about her despicable dementia tax would forget they’d ever heard about it. After all it would be one less thing for them to worry about – like where are my false teeth?

Hanging On By A Thread

Despite the Tories disastrous election results Theresa May miraculously remains prime minister. After holding an audience with the Queen, she told reporters outside 10 Downing Street that she intended to form a minority Conservative government. Mrs May confirmed she would work with “friends and allies” in the DUP in order to get her nasty agenda through parliament.

All this begs the question if this ‘difficult woman’ still believes herself to be the people’s champion. I think that ultimately Theresa will be remembered as an unlikable shrew who blew a supremely winnable election.

I for one am going to enjoy commentating on Theresa’s short lived time in office. Her beautifully broken body language, the tremor in her voice and that shuffly walk all speak volumes. It couldn’t happen to a nicer person. 

Prince Harry – Shut Up Everyone!

Prince Harry, News, Media, Images,NMi, Royals,In Britain the royal watching minions are in a flutter of indignation because Prince Harry is dating an American – who also happens to be divorced. It’s considered to be quite a scandal.

This is one of the things that makes being Prince Harry suck. He didn’t ask to be born into an anachronistic family with millions of creepy servants doting on his every whim. His mother was practically hounded to death by the paparazzi and he can’t get with a party girl without someone selling the story to the tabloids. It’s tough.

Having said that he is definitely the more interesting of Diana’s two sons. 

As the younger brother he officially gets jack shit. Maybe that’s why he’s made it his mission to bemoan his regally born position. 

For some time now Prince Harry has been miffed by the media’s overly personal comments about Meghan. Last year he delivered a rather pointless speech demanding that they leave his family and girlfriend alone. He also went after the social media trolls who had made sexist comments about his beloved Meghan.

Well, good luck with that one Harry. Now what? Quit Twitter?

Unfortunately for Harry there’s literally nothing he can do about this because there are simply too many masters to be served. Owning a castle might help but making pointless pleas to a celebrity riddled press only makes him look weak. King Henry 8th knew how to handle gossipmongers. Flay one at the stake and the others will get the message.

Yeah, nobody really likes freedom of the press. Or a royal who whines.

Donald Trump – Trumpasaurus

Donald Trump,Paris Accord,President,NMi,Last week President Donald Trump had his pussy-grabbing hand swatted away by the First Lady. This week the semi-rational Twitter bird has used his Tic-Tac breath to create one of the biggest shit storms in modern history.

Yes, President Donald Trump has announced that his administration will pull out of the Paris agreement on climate change. This will make the United States of America one of just three countries not part of the landmark international accord.

Scientists have warned that by withdrawing from the Paris agreement America would create a “severe and long-lasting threat to our planet’s climate.”

President Trump’s decision could send another 3 billion tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere each year. Year on year that could be enough to melt the ice caps, raise sea levels and trigger even more extreme weather.”

Well if this isn’t another brilliant move by the White House’s ginger bobblehead. It seems to me that each morning he straps on his finest wig and then spends the day talking fluent gibberish and insulting everyone.

At the same time his wife wakes up each morning desperately seeking a way to get herself deported so she won’t have to be First Lady anymore. Well, slow down there melty-face you’re in the middle of the biggest shit storm in modern history. The American people need you.

Everyone must now do their part to stop this monster Donald Trump. Minus all the people who don’t give a shit and voted him into office. Obviously.

There aren’t many people left with less credibility than Donald Trump. In fact C-list porn stars might be the only ones. So yes, we must all get super angry now. His ex-girlfriends need to stop yelling about his semi-rational behaviour and start treating him like a faked orgasm.

Every country has a Donald Trump, unfortunately America has the Trumpiest.

Theresa May – A Devious Act Of War!

Theresa May, Politics, UK, Election, Conservative, Prime Minister, The British have always been generous towards their ‘pantsuit nation’ but will they ever accept Theresa May as a symbol of female empowerment? Maybe, but for me any woman wearing a village idiot grin and a meh-coloured dress is no friend of mine.

If Theresa May is elected as Prime Minister it’ll be hard to tell where the politics end and the sinister begins. Take Theresa’s tactical non-attendance at last night’s Leadership Debate. Some people (who have no understanding of modern politics) have called it an intolerable act of disrespect to the nation. I call it cowardice in the face of the enemy.

Oh dear, the fact that I’ve just said that now means my security clearance will be marked with a red sexist pen. Oops… now I’ll be be known as the individual who hates women. I’ll never work in this town again. Me, a Donald Trump plus ten percent. As much a cliche as it is a nightmare.

Reputations Matter

The entire purpose of being prime minister is to build an infallable reputation while sitting on their asse all day. Then when their political career slows down, they come out with the ugly truth.They plead for sympathy from the common man. Look, my horrific haemorrhoids….I’m one of you!

This makes sense, after all haemorrhoids are the last sanctuary of the unemployed.

Assuming she’s elected Theresa May might enact a law to protect the reputations of politicians. Then we won’t be able to read shit about them in the papers. Or mention their sordid affairs. Or take photos of them while they’re cavorting at a Premiere Inn.

Voice of the People

There was a time when the voice of the people mattered to politicians. That voice has now evolved into an e-petition – the new way to have our concerns heard by Parliament. Rather than volunteer at a local food bank start a petition condemning Theresa May and her views on non-gender specific toilets.

One can’t eliminate politicians like Theresa May from this world. They’re an unfathomable ruination of modern society. They will always be here, endlessly seeking high-minded rationale to cloak their personal inadequacies.

Make no mistake about it folks this General Election isn’t a political process, it’s an act of war – against you, the people.

Diane Abbott, Afro,Hairstyle,interview,Mi5, IRAAre you sick of hearing about the General Election? I certainly am. Have you heard anyone say anything interesting yet? Has anyone inspired you? No? Well how about the Jabba the Hutt of British politics, Diane Abbott?

Yesterday Diane Abbott told the the Andrew Marr show that her past support for the IRA was as out of date as her afro hairstyle. During the interview the shadow home secretary also refused to say why she once voted against banning Al Qaeda and calling for MI5 to be disbanded.

She was also questioned over her history of consistently opposing measures to toughen up national security.

Essentially all she could say was this;

“It was 34 years ago, I had a rather splendid afro at the time. I don’t have the same hairstyle now and I don’t have the same views.”

I don’t know much ‘splendid afros’ but I do know that listening to Diane Abbott is like a barbed wire enema for my ears. She’s an incompetent fool who blames her stupid remarks on anything but herself. Her attempts to pretend otherwise have largely failed.

One day in June the Labour Party will have a little groupthink about how they blew a supremely winnable election. Imagine that meeting, it’ll be super excruciating. Their cynical opportunism dressed up as uniting the country has failed. Ultimately they’ll blame their downfall on Jeremy Corbyn’s loyalty to Diane Abbott while his anorexic shadow shrieks denial from the corner.

Yes really, their meeting will be about as awkward as watching your pet poodle trying to hump a tree. They’ll have no idea why they’ve really lost but hey, there’s some nobility in keeping tight with your homies.

What’s clear is Diane Abbott is not going away. Who knows, this time next year she might have Jeremy Corbyn’s face tattooed on her arm. Good luck in the politics business Diane, you’re an amazing woman, you just gave Theresa May a standing ovation.