Once again the magnificent Brit Awards are upon us. Tonight. Those attending. Teenage girls, old ladies and strange foreign females with fake boobs that nobody will remember inviting. All the lady folk will go braless. Braless is the new trend in style. I suppose it’s better than wearing shiny little hats.
Most of these girls won’t belong at a music awards ceremony, but ditch their bras and they’re on every short list going, including the speed dial over at Operation Yewtree’s mentor program.
NMi’s advertisers still hate tits so I don’t know what they’re going to make of all those ‘accidental’ wardrobe malfunctions they’ll see spattered across tomorrow mornings papers.
Anyway, the giant wig-wam they now call The O2 is where you’ll find all the braless sparkles who’ll be attending the 2015 Brit Awards.
Later tonight you’ll be able to watch a bunch of sunken eyed anorexics talk about the Brit Awards on ITV. You can also listen to all the auto-tuned robotic sounding songsters streaming live through your Google Play.
And if that isn’t enough tomorrow morning you’ll have all the papers to sift through. Page after page after page….. nothing but Brit Awards. (Daily Mail, I’m looking at you.)
But what will happen tonight? Who will get what? And why?
Of course, I’m guessing but here are my predications.
Madonna will be given a lifetime achievement award. Then she’ll donate the award to her official fan club, the Madonna Army. They’re a bit like the Columbian Army but with trendy tops and skimpy skirts instead of the white powdered mood enhancer.
And then there’s Milly Pye. She’s the 18 year-old singer from Chester who once saw a real life @MillyPye mention turn up on Liam Payne’s Twitter feed. She will given an award for being a young influencer. Who she influenced will not be spelt out, so assume they mean underaged girls getting half naked in bedroom selfies.
Katy Perry will win an award for best lyrics, yet nobody will mention that she doesn’t write her own songs.
Rihanna won’t even turn up yet she’ll still win the Instagram Award. That’s right, it’s the same award you give to the hot work experience girl you’re trying to bone at your office.
Ed Sheeran will win an award for red people. He does a good job. Rita Ora’s interstellar boobs will win the Defied Gravity Award. Lily Allen will be there to collect her Stuffed Monkey Award. Harry Styles I’ll skip. And the thought of heckling Noel Gallagher after winning his Gimp and Sex Award makes me feel less than comfortable.
And the Brit Award for Best Female Not Yet Rated will go to Cali Lili™
And then we’ll come to tomorrow morning when all the PR newsflashes will tell us how the Brit Awards 2015 were great success.
None of them will say how the event would’ve been soooo much better if Chris Brown had escaped jail and come to the Brit Awards looking for his woman.
Yes, an angry Chris Brown chasing Rihanna around the Brits would’ve been epic.