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Brit Awards 2015: Predictions.


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Once again the magnificent Brit Awards are upon us. Tonight. Those attending. Teenage girls, old ladies and strange foreign females with fake boobs that nobody will remember inviting. All the lady folk will go braless. Braless is the new trend in style. I suppose it’s better than wearing shiny little hats.

Most of these girls won’t belong at a music awards ceremony, but ditch their bras and they’re on every short list going, including the speed dial over at Operation Yewtree’s mentor program.

NMi’s advertisers still hate tits so I don’t know what they’re going to make of all those ‘accidental’ wardrobe malfunctions they’ll see spattered across tomorrow mornings papers.

Anyway, the giant wig-wam they now call The O2 is where you’ll find all the braless sparkles who’ll be attending the 2015 Brit Awards.

Later tonight you’ll be able to watch a bunch of sunken eyed anorexics talk about the Brit Awards on ITV. You can also listen to all the auto-tuned robotic sounding songsters streaming live through your Google Play.

And if that isn’t enough tomorrow morning you’ll have all the papers to sift through. Page after page after page….. nothing but Brit Awards. (Daily Mail, I’m looking at you.)

But what will happen tonight? Who will get what? And why?

Of course, I’m guessing but here are my predications.

Madonna will be given a lifetime achievement award. Then she’ll donate the award to her official fan club, the Madonna Army. They’re a bit like the Columbian Army but with trendy tops and skimpy skirts instead of the white powdered mood enhancer.

And then there’s Milly Pye. She’s the 18 year-old singer from Chester who once saw a real life @MillyPye mention turn up on Liam Payne’s Twitter feed. She will given an award for being a young influencer. Who she influenced will not be spelt out, so assume they mean underaged girls getting half naked in bedroom selfies.

Katy Perry will win an award for best lyrics, yet nobody will mention that she doesn’t write her own songs.

Rihanna won’t even turn up yet she’ll still win the Instagram Award. That’s right, it’s the same award you give to the hot work experience girl you’re trying to bone at your office.

Ed Sheeran will win an award for red people. He does a good job. Rita Ora’s interstellar boobs will win the Defied Gravity Award. Lily Allen will be there to collect her Stuffed Monkey Award. Harry Styles I’ll skip. And the thought of heckling Noel Gallagher after winning his Gimp and Sex Award makes me feel less than comfortable.

And the Brit Award for Best Female Not Yet Rated will go to Cali Lili™

And then we’ll come to tomorrow morning when all the PR newsflashes will tell us how the Brit Awards 2015 were great success.

None of them will say how the event would’ve been soooo much better if Chris Brown had escaped jail and come to the Brit Awards looking for his woman.

Yes, an angry Chris Brown chasing Rihanna around the Brits would’ve been epic.

Kanye West Visits London Fashion Week.


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Kanye West visits London Fashion Week: Before we throw a sloppy slut-ball at the ‘hood-twat’ all fashionistas are calling Mr Kanye West today I’d like to offer my commiserations to David and Victoria Beckham. Their beloved son Brooklyn has failed to secure an Arsenal scholarship.

The 15-year-old is currently enrolled in Arsenal’s youth academy and he had hoped to be given a long term contract with the Gunners. However, earlier this week the teenager learned that he will not be retained next season.

How sad. As a parent I’ve alway prayed that I’d be spared the pain of seeing my offspring crest fallen hurt and disappointed. My prayers were all in vain. They have been. Poor little things.

But onwards and upwards there young Brooklyn, things could always be worse. Lets face it nothing can be as bad as that selfie your Dad once took of himself in the mirror. (this)

Anyways. Now lets get on with this Kanye West Visits London Fashion Week post. And that sloppy slut-ball I promised you.

I don’t know what the fuck this miserable looking buffoon is trying to sell during his visit to London Fashion Week but if his show in NYC a couple of weeks ago is anything to go by using stolen children in nude bodysuits and vagina booties to model his life style clothing collaboration with Adidas hasn’t helped either of them.

Everyone hates Kanye’s latest dreary looking lifestyle attire. Seriously, I don’t know how Adidas ever got themselves involved in this collaboration with this pretender. His dreadful dallies are truly awful, little more than a sloppy slut-ball mess. The only place where Adidas can expect any potential sales at all are probably from within the caliphate of Islamic State where lifestyle clothing seems to be an orange coloured jumpsuit.

Lets face it after his disastrous NYC show any fashion snobs who mattered have now turned their noses up at Kanye’s cumbersome attempts at the art of cobbling and sewing. Perhaps if he grew a coloured handle bar mustachio or wore a bright little wig. Or something. Yes, that just might help him re-ingratiate his ‘hood-twat’ ass with the hierarchy of the fashion world.

Also, Kanye should stop trying to sell porny looking booties. It’s nasty.

Lastly, Kanye West should try kissing some ass occasionally. That always works. I know, it’s a huge of mountain for a hood-twat to climb but Kayne should at least make the effort. Anna Wintour’s scrawny backside isn’t that bad after all.

Actually I feel kinda sorry for Kanye because hearing all of fashion’s finest criticise your artistic creations must be like hearing Arsène Wenger tell you that your son will never make the first team.

ArtPopper Sound Hound.


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ArtPopper Sound Hound: Welcome to another slow-assed Tuesday. I have read all the gossip columns and apart from Michelle Mone cutting up her ex-husband’s clothes, trashing his Porche and fighting him over her bra empire there’s not much to talk about today.

Bra empires are for breasts right? Ok, lets talk about breast empires. Katie Price’s breasts are as big as empires. She’s always been very liberal about flashing them in public. On the beach, in the parks, any boring old place to be honest. Recently Katie said that her breasts had got totally out of control. So now she’s unplanted her implants and thrown them both away. I’m not sure where. Or why.

Perhaps she was worried that nobody in the press was paying her enough attention. Or maybe a group of ardent feminists showed up outside her door flashing their angry udders at her. Oh, the horror.

Whatever. When it comes to Katie Price’s breasts there’s not much left to talk about. Not anymore.

Some men call breasts puppies. And that of course reminds me of my little spaniel dog, Murphy. That’s him in the picture you see above.

Yes. When Murphy the little spaniel dog was a puppy and came to live with me I originally gave him a strippers name – Randi Mandi.

I thought that was such a cool name. Imagine. In the park.“Here Randi Mandi, here girl” – or – “Sit Randi Mandi sit”

Oh what fun.

Anyway, she turned out to be a he. In just a few short months Murphy grew some splendid looking nuts and a big ol’ doggie-dong. Unfortunately (for me) Murphy also started to smell like a fat mans poo. That’s why he lives in the tool shed a custom made komfi-kennel at the bottom of the garden.

Murphy loves his classical music so we had speakers and piped music installed in his kennel (no we didn’t). One day I caught Murphy with my camera. He was humming Beethoven in his head.

That’s why the picture you see above is entitled ArtPopper Sound Hound. It’s a picture of the music that plays in Murphy’s head.

ArtPopper Sound Hound is now available to buy at the ArtPopper online gallery. You can buy it as a cushion, a framed print, on a canvas board, on a sheet of metal or even as your mobile phone cover. (Sorry but you can’t buy it on a dog collar.)

Head over to ArtPopper.com where you’ll find ArtPopper Sound Hound in the Eyes gallery.

Every dog will have his day.


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This One Lives Here

 

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TMZ report (and so do The Daily Mail) that the cumbersome self applauding backside we know as Kim Kardashian has pissed her Mum off.

It’s true. A production source has told TMZ that while they were filming season 10 of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” the sex ferret face of Kris Jenner turned so red with anger that she ended up throwing a rock through a window of her daughters new home.

Here’s what happened. Apparently.

Just after Kummy Kim and Kunty Kanye moved into their new marital home Kim returned to Kris’ house and stole all her Mum’s pots, pans and silverware.

When Kris discovered the theft she stormed over to her daughter’s house to confront her. Kris hammered on the door but Kim wouldn’t open it. So Kris then screamed through the letter box:

“I gave you life and you stole my cookware!”

Kim returns fire. She shouts back at Kris that if she doesn’t back off then she [Kim] will have security remove her [Kris] from the premises.

Kris then loses it. She picks up a rock and throws it at a window The glass shatters. Then she screams;

“You won’t get rid of me this easily.”

Here’s the best part. TMZ also report that the entire bust up was scripted by the production company. They made it up. Probably for the Daily Mail. After all the Daily Mail ARE the Gods of Tabloid bullshit.

So. That’s that.

Now what shall we do?

Here’s an idea.

Q: Would you like to throw a rock through Kim Kardashian’s window? If you did throw a rock through her window you can be sure that the Daily Mail will make you famous. Really, they will. Ok, so that’s famous for just for one day. But still.

Oh good, you’ve thought about it and you’ve decided you would like to throw a rock through Kim Kardashian’s window. Right then. Go to Hidden Hills in California. You’ll find Kim’s house located in a gated estate. The door number is 666.

Here’s a map.

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Best of luck.