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Victoria Beckham – Fashion Flops.

Victoria Beckham,Fashion,accounts,

As George Osbourne continues to improve lives one rich person at a time the Daily Mail have at last reported something about Victoria Beckham which might have a fighting chance of being both poignant and interesting.

No, it’s not Victoria Beckham’s favourite toothpaste, umbrella, or ketchup. No, instead the Daily Mail have reported that despite the finest clothes, the finest shops and V.I.P. treatment to die for her fashion empire is failing faster that a dog can lick it’s own unmentionables.

Really, it’s true. When the 2014 accounts for Victoria Beckham Limited were lodged at Companies House recently they showed that the company had technically made a small profit. You’d think that would make Victoria Beckham grin from ear to ear. But no, unfortunately the truth is that her fashion business would have lost nearly £4 million had it not been for the money flowing into it’s coffers from her generous husband, David Beckham.

Naturally all this accounting jiggery pokery has caused the hallowed tabloid to wonder:

“Can Victoria really claim to be a successful entrepreneur in her own right, or is her fashion venture merely a vanity project for a wealthy woman blessed with an indulgent spouse?”

(via: Daily Mail)

HAHAHA whatever Daily Mail.

People are always mocking Victoria’s apparent self-misery because she’s rich and successful but this might explain why she has been looking like a released hostage lately. Yes, the perfect life ruined by the stroke of an accountants pen.

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Anonymous To Trump Trump!

In a series of inflammatory statements that only a pit bull with a biting problem could make American presidential candidate, Donald Trump has alienated the entire world. He has now lost the sanity vote, the Mexican vote, the self respecting vote, the moderate vote, the sensible vote and now the Anonymous vote. 

Anyone who’s studied Donald Trump knows that he feeds off controversy, aggression and hatred. Really, he does. Disagree with his nasty ass and he’ll come at you like an insanity goblin willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. Simply wishing Trump a good morning will cause his pancreas to shut down.

However, there’s some good news today. Donald Trump has made a new enemy and believe it or not this one doesn’t have any physical characteristics this looney tune can mock. Not unless he takes aim at a Guy Fawkes mask that is.

Yes folks, thankfully it’s true. In their latest video (released this week) the hacker group Anonymous has declared a “total war” on Donald Trump, stating that his “hateful campaign” has legitimized “appalling actions and words.”

Anonymous have already released Trump’s social security number and they now plan to shut down the geyser of chumpery that shoots out of jibber-jabbering mouth. Invoking the hashtag #OpTrump, Anonymous has called for all the citizens of the world to take action.

“We need you to shut down his campaign and sabotage his brand.”

One has to ask if Anonymous are playing with fire here. Seriously,  if elected, Trump may very well take the ‘War on Terror’ to its next logical phase – an outright war on Internet activism.

On the other hand if he does get elected then Anonymous could, in three quick clicks spill ‘President’ Trump’s porn history to the entire world. And that would prove grounds for impeachment.

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Kim Kardashian – Naked Backlash.

Kim Kardashian,naked,selfie,

There’s two ways to look at Kim Kardashian. One is drunk and laughing at her squat naked body. The second is to admire her brassy money making schemes that put so many dollars into her bank account that you have to call her the ‘cash-a-holic’ of the 21st century.

However, magic like this doesn’t happen in a vacuum. No, Kim Kardashian has a team of assistants who provide her with hair and wardrobe support together with the occasional Sal-Acid plaster for her unmentionables. Which brings me to nicely round to Kim’s social media, which she appears to manage all on her own.

Earlier this week in another bid to break the internet Kim posted a naked selfie to her Instagram. The world recoiled in horror. Such was the condemnation that Kim took to her all new pay-per-view website and penned a furious post defending the naked abomination.

In the post, Kim rallied against her critics insisting that they just won’t leave THAT sex tape alone. She wrote;

“I don’t do drugs, I hardly drink, I’ve never committed a crime – and yet I’m a bad role model for being proud of my body?

It always seems to come back around to my sex tape. Yes, a sex tape that was made 13 years ago. 13 YEARS AGO. Literally that long ago. And people still want to talk about it?!?!

I lived through the embarrassment and fear, and decided to say who cares, do better, move on.

I shouldn’t have to constantly be on the defense, listing off my accomplishments just to prove that I am more than something that happened 13 years ago. Let’s move on, already. I have.”

Unfortunately for Kim, Piers Morgan, Bette Midler and Chloe Moritz expected more from her. Why is unclear. Here’s what they had to say on Twitter. 

Kim Kardashian,naked,selfie,tweets,

For some people walking away into the sunset was not an option. Dropping their reproductive parts into the gutter seemed a more realistic choice. However, in the game of ridiculous the rules are pretty flimsy and yet chaos serves nobody. Except the cash-a-holic.

Seriously, there’s no better way to drive visitors to a pay-per-view website than a naked selfie. Instagram you reign supreme. I’ll start the Change.org petition now…

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Maria Sharapova Loses $70m.

Maria SharapovaMaria Sharapova is now working her way through the six steps of loss. Or whatever you call it when you lose all your sponsors because you’ve had your name added to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s (WADA) accredited list of dopes because you’ve been caught cheating.

Yes, it’s true. Last night, just hours after being suspended from women’s tennis, Maria Sharapova lost her lucrative deal with Nike, where she has her own branded clothing line. It was worth a reported $70million to her. According to Forbes, Maria also earns around $30million each year in endorsement deals with American Express, Avon, Evian, Porsche and Tag Heuer.

Jeez that’s an expensive hand in the medicine jar. No doubt Maria will be yanking at her hair this morning because she failed to open the WADA e-mail which declared Meldonium a banned substance. Which is understandable as an e-mail beginning with Stop Putting A Meldonium up your ass usually gets marked down as spam.

Maria says that she has been using Meldonium since the age of four. Lots of people suffering with angina (!?!) use the same drug. It stimulates the heart apparently.

Oh dear oh dear what will poor Maria do now? No tennis and an empty counting house.

There’s options, there’s always options. For example Maria could start a new sport. Fake tennis. This sport would allow girls who are not athletically gifted to compete. The girls wouldn’t have to hit a ball back and forth, no they’d just jump up and down in mini-skirts while screaming erotically.

I know, technically fake tennis wouldn’t be a sport but it would be a million times better to watch than proper tennis. It would also keep Maria fit and stop her growing into an obese Russian monster.

UPDATE: According to sources the online art gallery,  ArtPopper has stepped forward in Maria’s hour of need. We understand that an offer of sponsorship has been made.

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Prince William – Losing War With The Press.

Prince WilliamOver the last week a number of highly esteemed media outlets have been giving Prince William a lesson in humility. In a series of long overdue articles the “Fourth Estate” has called into question both his work ethics and his commitment to Royal duty.

I’m not sure that Prince William understands how the Fourth Estate works. Just so as you know the term “Fourth Estate” (or fourth power) is a societal or political force whose influence is not officially recognised. The term was first used back in 1787 when, during a parliamentary debate Thomas Carlyle told the house;

“There are Three Estates in Parliament; but, in the Reporters’ Gallery yonder, there sits a Fourth Estate more important far than they all.”

For the avoidance of doubt and for the sake of clarity “more important than they all” means – don’t upset the press. Clearly Prince William does not understand that.

Here’s why.

Back in 2012 Prince William decided to sue Closer Magazine after they published unflattering pictures of his wife Kate. He didn’t care what the fourth estate or the British people thought. Then last year he petitioned for and had granted a no-fly zone over Anmer Hall in order to stop the paparazzi from taking pictures of his family from their fleet of helicopters.

And no, lets say nothing about the cost to the public purse of renovating Anmer Hall and that private apartment of his in Kensington Palace.

Prince William’s disdain for the press is well-known. Nowadays any news coverage regarding his “Royal highness” is given an appropriate response by his ruthlessly controlled spin machine. Essentially that means ‘his people’ threaten the press with all kinds of unpleasantries.

But guess what? That’s right, the 4th and the British public alike have had just about enough of William and his bullying. So that’s why, with the help of a few courage building amphetamines the Sun newspaper decided to serve Prince William a helping of divine justice. Fleet Street style.

In an article published last week the Sun accused William of a dereliction of duty, his Royal duty to be precise. The Sun claimed that Willie had only worked 12 shifts as a helicopter pilot for the East Anglia Air Ambulance service since January 1. They detailed all his royal engagements which they then compared to those of his fellow royals. They then asked why William had only managed two royal engagements in 2016 while his fellow Royals had completed many more.

Such was the vehemence of the article it was broadcast across social media and beyond. But it wasn’t over yet.

The Sun then published another article in which they asked why Prince William spend the weekend shooting animals the day before launching a campaign to stop wildlife being slaughtered.

And in another article published this week the Sun seemed incredulous to learn that a former girlfriend, Rose Farquhar had to seek his royal permission before appearing on the BBC talent show, The Voice.

The Sun could say that William was an astronaut or a baker of magic pies and I’d now believe them. I guess he’ll be off to sub-Saharan Africa next where he’ll be fighting poachers or whatever tasks can be achieved by telling his butler to make them happen.

I don’t mind that they’re throwing shit at William, he’s never looked like a servant of important causes to me. But y’know England’s Prince’s were much cooler back in the old days when they their job description didn’t go beyond ‘vanquishing the French and befouling their women’.

Yeah, you’ve lost this round William.

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Hollywood Heartaches.

Hollywood HeartachesWhy is the world of show business so often filled with tears of sadness? Really, I have to ask because despite all their sparkling jewellery and bulging bank accounts many of our glittering celebrities have suffered the kind of relationship fails we call the Hollywood Heartaches.

Take these couples below for example. They’ve all broken up in the last twelve months. Yes, the Hollywood heartaches indeed.

Lets start with Cheryl Fernandez-Versini who has ended her 18-month marriage to Jean Bernard Fernandez-Versini. The Geordie beauty may not be Hollywood but none the less she began divorce proceedings last month by filing legal papers in which she cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason for the break down of her marriage.

Well I don’t know, what else can a lady say when the great love of her life has fallen apart? Yeah it was great, we had sex once a month and then he yelled at me for flirting with a waiter? Amazing that they fell apart. Not.

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Moving on. 43-year-old actress Jennifer Garner has had a sad expression on her face for what seems like forever. Her ex husband Ben Affleck has been spending time with actress Elle Fanning. Ok, it’s been time spent on the set of his latest movie (Live By Night) but sometimes that’s all a woman needs to hear before getting herself off to the gym for a few bum squeezes and stomach crunches.

Now we come to Gwen Stefani who broke up with Gavin Rosedale after discovering that he’d had a three year affair with their nanny. Rich English dads are always having affairs with the nanny so I’m not sure why it took three years for Jennifer to find out.

Let’s just say Jennifer has lost her Sherlock Holmes detective badge.

After eleven years of dating, five years of marriage and two children with that skinny chap from 90210, Megan Fox has cut her husband loose. Nobody will fully understand why a world class ‘sextress’ was hooked up with a one-show nobody when she could’ve hit the big time with any A-lister in trousers. According to the gossip columns, husband Brian Austin Green got tired of Megan’s obsession with film roles that took her away from finding his video game controllers under the couch cushions.

I’m sure you’ll come out fine in the end Miss Fox. However, I recommend you employ one of those reputation lawyers to expunge your former name, Austin Green from all Google searches. 

If there’s no love in your heart this year because you’ve been waiting for a single 32-year-old woman with a terrible attitude then I have good news for you. Dutch model Lara Stone has ended her five year marriage to David Walliams. It was all Gone in 60 Seconds during a hearing at the High Court of Justice in September of last year.

Well who can blame her, that man acts like he’s gayer than soya milk. More to the point, one could sit at home and practice being annoying in the mirror and still not do it any better than David Walliams.

The Hollywood heartaches continue with Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. The on-off reality show that knows no bounds. On Monday evening the Kardashian clan held a dinner to honor the late Robert Kardashian’s birthday. Scott Disick was there too. Later in the evening Kourtney and Scott were seen very much together on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat. Now everyone’s wondering if they’re back on again.

Kourtney Kardashian had to know there was something wrong with Scott Disick the first time he told her he was an an unemployed nobody. Sometimes you need to make babies before you can size up a chap’s potential. Not a good sign for the future.

According to friends of Kaley Cuoco, the Big Bang Theory actress wasn’t surprised by her recent divorce from husband Ryan Sweeting. After only 21 months it was the kind of marriage that gay activists point to as a heterosexual marriage fail. Really, it was.

There were good times of course but according to sources the divorce was a long time coming. Which is an odd thing to say after a year and a half marriage.

Last September Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced that they were done with each other. After nearly 40 years together I thought this was some shameless stunt to promote their new TV show. It may very well be a shameless stunt and if it is then they’re milking it.

Kermit the Frog’s new love is another pretty pig by the name of Denise. I guess Kermit must be a ‘porkosexual’ because he just can’t get enough of pigs. David Cameron please note!

And that brings us to the end of this round of Hollywood Heartaches.

PS: Just so as you know, my job is to sit here, drink tea and post acerbic commentary about the trashy headlines we see in the gossip columns. That’s my job. It’s all I do with my sad little life. (not really) However, were I a lawyer then perhaps I’d take a different view of celebrity break-ups.

Take Simpson Millar LLB Solicitors for example. Recently they published the infographic you see below. They have consider the legal aspect behind each of the aforegoing break-ups. Interesting read.

Infographic: 8 Celebrity Couples in Crisis

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