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Prince Harry – Shut Up Everyone!

Prince Harry, News, Media, Images,NMi, Royals,In Britain the royal watching minions are in a flutter of indignation because Prince Harry is dating an American – who also happens to be divorced. It’s considered to be quite a scandal.

This is one of the things that makes being Prince Harry suck. He didn’t ask to be born into an anachronistic family with millions of creepy servants doting on his every whim. His mother was practically hounded to death by the paparazzi and he can’t get with a party girl without someone selling the story to the tabloids. It’s tough.

Having said that he is definitely the more interesting of Diana’s two sons. 

As the younger brother he officially gets jack shit. Maybe that’s why he’s made it his mission to bemoan his regally born position. 

For some time now Prince Harry has been miffed by the media’s overly personal comments about Meghan. Last year he delivered a rather pointless speech demanding that they leave his family and girlfriend alone. He also went after the social media trolls who had made sexist comments about his beloved Meghan.

Well, good luck with that one Harry. Now what? Quit Twitter?

Unfortunately for Harry there’s literally nothing he can do about this because there are simply too many masters to be served. Owning a castle might help but making pointless pleas to a celebrity riddled press only makes him look weak. King Henry 8th knew how to handle gossipmongers. Flay one at the stake and the others will get the message.

Yeah, nobody really likes freedom of the press. Or a royal who whines.

Donald Trump – Trumpasaurus

Donald Trump,Paris Accord,President,NMi,Last week President Donald Trump had his pussy-grabbing hand swatted away by the First Lady. This week the semi-rational Twitter bird has used his Tic-Tac breath to create one of the biggest shit storms in modern history.

Yes, President Donald Trump has announced that his administration will pull out of the Paris agreement on climate change. This will make the United States of America one of just three countries not part of the landmark international accord.

Scientists have warned that by withdrawing from the Paris agreement America would create a “severe and long-lasting threat to our planet’s climate.”

President Trump’s decision could send another 3 billion tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere each year. Year on year that could be enough to melt the ice caps, raise sea levels and trigger even more extreme weather.”

Well if this isn’t another brilliant move by the White House’s ginger bobblehead. It seems to me that each morning he straps on his finest wig and then spends the day talking fluent gibberish and insulting everyone.

At the same time his wife wakes up each morning desperately seeking a way to get herself deported so she won’t have to be First Lady anymore. Well, slow down there melty-face you’re in the middle of the biggest shit storm in modern history. The American people need you.

Everyone must now do their part to stop this monster Donald Trump. Minus all the people who don’t give a shit and voted him into office. Obviously.

There aren’t many people left with less credibility than Donald Trump. In fact C-list porn stars might be the only ones. So yes, we must all get super angry now. His ex-girlfriends need to stop yelling about his semi-rational behaviour and start treating him like a faked orgasm.

Every country has a Donald Trump, unfortunately America has the Trumpiest.

Theresa May – A Devious Act Of War!

Theresa May, Politics, UK, Election, Conservative, Prime Minister, The British have always been generous towards their ‘pantsuit nation’ but will they ever accept Theresa May as a symbol of female empowerment? Maybe, but for me any woman wearing a village idiot grin and a meh-coloured dress is no friend of mine.

If Theresa May is elected as Prime Minister it’ll be hard to tell where the politics end and the sinister begins. Take Theresa’s tactical non-attendance at last night’s Leadership Debate. Some people (who have no understanding of modern politics) have called it an intolerable act of disrespect to the nation. I call it cowardice in the face of the enemy.

Oh dear, the fact that I’ve just said that now means my security clearance will be marked with a red sexist pen. Oops… now I’ll be be known as the individual who hates women. I’ll never work in this town again. Me, a Donald Trump plus ten percent. As much a cliche as it is a nightmare.

Reputations Matter

The entire purpose of being prime minister is to build an infallable reputation while sitting on their asse all day. Then when their political career slows down, they come out with the ugly truth.They plead for sympathy from the common man. Look, my horrific haemorrhoids….I’m one of you!

This makes sense, after all haemorrhoids are the last sanctuary of the unemployed.

Assuming she’s elected Theresa May might enact a law to protect the reputations of politicians. Then we won’t be able to read shit about them in the papers. Or mention their sordid affairs. Or take photos of them while they’re cavorting at a Premiere Inn.

Voice of the People

There was a time when the voice of the people mattered to politicians. That voice has now evolved into an e-petition – the new way to have our concerns heard by Parliament. Rather than volunteer at a local food bank start a petition condemning Theresa May and her views on non-gender specific toilets.

One can’t eliminate politicians like Theresa May from this world. They’re an unfathomable ruination of modern society. They will always be here, endlessly seeking high-minded rationale to cloak their personal inadequacies.

Make no mistake about it folks this General Election isn’t a political process, it’s an act of war – against you, the people.

Diane Abbott, Afro,Hairstyle,interview,Mi5, IRAAre you sick of hearing about the General Election? I certainly am. Have you heard anyone say anything interesting yet? Has anyone inspired you? No? Well how about the Jabba the Hutt of British politics, Diane Abbott?

Yesterday Diane Abbott told the the Andrew Marr show that her past support for the IRA was as out of date as her afro hairstyle. During the interview the shadow home secretary also refused to say why she once voted against banning Al Qaeda and calling for MI5 to be disbanded.

She was also questioned over her history of consistently opposing measures to toughen up national security.

Essentially all she could say was this;

“It was 34 years ago, I had a rather splendid afro at the time. I don’t have the same hairstyle now and I don’t have the same views.”

I don’t know much ‘splendid afros’ but I do know that listening to Diane Abbott is like a barbed wire enema for my ears. She’s an incompetent fool who blames her stupid remarks on anything but herself. Her attempts to pretend otherwise have largely failed.

One day in June the Labour Party will have a little groupthink about how they blew a supremely winnable election. Imagine that meeting, it’ll be super excruciating. Their cynical opportunism dressed up as uniting the country has failed. Ultimately they’ll blame their downfall on Jeremy Corbyn’s loyalty to Diane Abbott while his anorexic shadow shrieks denial from the corner.

Yes really, their meeting will be about as awkward as watching your pet poodle trying to hump a tree. They’ll have no idea why they’ve really lost but hey, there’s some nobility in keeping tight with your homies.

What’s clear is Diane Abbott is not going away. Who knows, this time next year she might have Jeremy Corbyn’s face tattooed on her arm. Good luck in the politics business Diane, you’re an amazing woman, you just gave Theresa May a standing ovation.

Donald Trump, tweets, Marla Marples,

The carousel of destruction that is the American political system spins faster with each passing day. That’s right, just when you thought Donald Trump couldn’t get any worse he opens his twattering mouth and twitters again.

Nothing is shocking anymore. President Donald Trump could punch a baby in the face or call Mother Teressa a zoo monkey and you’d just shrug your shoulders.

Last week, Trump went on another of his Twitter rants. In a series of tweets he admitted that he’d given classified information away to the Russians. A gift, a freebie!

Can this be true? A gibbering buffoon fresh from the rubber room can throw classified secrets at anyone on the planet and not be guilty of treason? This is beyond frightening.

This latest act of incompetence came hot on the heels of Trump firing his FBI director James Comey who, coincidentally was leading an investigation into his campaign’s ties with Mother Russia.

In an effort to assure the American people that the current threat level has decreased to WTF, Trump stated that the firing of Comey was not an attempt to obstruct the course of justice. No sir, Comey was fired because he was crap at his job.

So there you have it, masterful mockery at it’s finest!

The relationship that Trump’s election campaign may have had with Russia raises the thorney issue of Michael Flynn’s short tenure as his national security adviser. You’ll remember how Flynn was forced to resign after being caught giving hand jobs to the Russians on the very day Obama issued new sanctions against them.

Everyone is now looking at the Oval Office like, “hmmm,”

Most Unfairly Treated Politician In History

Yesterday President Trump faced another crisis. This time the word IMPEACH was thrown into the mix.

Al Green, a Democratic congressman from Texas has called for Trump’s impeachment citing his campaign’s ties with Russia and the dubious sacking of FBI director James Comey.

This was most unfair retorted Trump. Speaking (ranting) at a coastguard graduation ceremony in Connecticut the US President squawked that no politician in history” had been “treated worse or more unfairly” than himself.

Trump has also been excusing his aides for not giving journalists accurate information. He has threatened the “fake media” by suggesting that he may stop press briefings altogether.

Everyone is now waiting for Sean Spicer to hose the White House Press corps down with a fire extinguisher because they’ve been lying to him.

It’s worth Googling the names of people who expose things about Donald Trump that make him feel uncomfortable.

Take his ex-wife Marla Maples for example. According to a report she employed a ghost writer to write a tell-all book about her marriage to Trump. The book was scheduled for publication during the election campaign.

Marla’s book never made it to print.

It begs the question. How much would you pay to stop the world from knowing that your ding-a-ling is the size of a Cheeto? Clearly we’re looking at a baby carrot here. No, it’s fine, seriously it’s big.

Donald Trump is now spiraling out of control, a ludicrous buffoon trolling anyone outside of his immediate family. Please don’t start a war.

Election Day – You decide….

jeremy-corbyn,theresa-May,Election,Election day will be here soon but will we still be here or will the World have been blown to smithereens by then? After all Donald Trump has just got cross with Kim Jong-Un again. Donald hates Kim and is threatening to blow the fat off his face with the biggest bomb since Hiroshima. Let’s face it – things are not looking good over there in North Korea.

Election day is coming to Britain and deciding who to vote for isn’t as easy as spotting an elephant in a cupboard. No sir, some of the British public are still undecided on who will make the best Prime Minister. Even legitimate reporters and academicians seem divided over the true impact of this election.

So what’s going on? Your friends on Facebook are busy signing petitions so that refugees can set up bean shops in North London, while crotchety old men and angry college girls are protesting in the streets.

They’re obviously not protesting enough because the gap between those working for a pay cheque and those young and stupid enough to think they can change the world while Daddy subsidises their rent has never been wider.

Is this election about the political philosophy you cherish while drinking wine and discussing Karl Marx? Or is it more to do with control, power and money?

Who knows, perhaps it’s the latter.

So who do we want to be the next Prime Minister? Do we want a left wing socialist who is threatening to choke us to death on taxpayer funded steroids or do we want a true blue Tory who will keep us flush in false hope, monopoly money and little else?

Lets consider the candidates:

Tories – Theresa May.

Some people believe that it’s time for a female Prime Minister. Any female will do. Just pick one and we’ll pretend she’s amazing at everything she does. Honest, hardworking, selfless, sturdy, excellent legs.

You could ask Theresa May’s supporters to name her top three achievements but they will simply retort with their campaign slogan,  

I’m With Her – Any Her Will Do.”

That’s not a reasoned answer but this isn’t about reason. This is about electing a woman and it will change everything.

Theresa really wants to be the next Prime Minister and so do the vast majority of the media. Maybe that’s why they ignore her deplorable record and frightening facial expressions.

Labour – Jeremy Corbyn.

Despite the fact that thousands of young Labour party activists have declared Jeremy Corbyn as their hippy atheist god almighty, every pollster is predicting he will lose this election by a country mile.

I’m reluctantly forced to admire these young utopian dreamers. Before you get your first crappy job or unwanted pregnancy or lousy marriage this is the time to dream of a perfect world.

Yes, this is Jeremy’s world, where everybody chooses bikes over cars, the homeless are no longer hungry, alcoholics are misunderstood poets and the guy at Starbucks makes £40:00 an hour.

But Jeremy’s politics aren’t about childish dreams are they. No they’re about his manifesto being dropped in the trashcan of reality.

Finally, Brexit.

Has Brexit has made our people less tolerant or more open minded? What used to be reasoned debate has now been high-jacked by the five hundred people that you’ve friended on Facebook because they think just like you do. Now you’re certain you’re right. Debate has been replaced by emojis and likes.

It really doesn’t matter now. Soon your days of open travel to Italy for the amazing Venice festival will be over. You will need to get a visa at the airport.

Yeah, Brexit. The people have spoken. Was this democracy in action or will it ultimately prove to be repression at the hands of that vengeful Eurocrat Jean Claude Juncker?

You decide.