Tulisa Contostavlos

‘Cry Tulisa And Let Slip The LOLS Galore’.

by Mike D.W May 14, 2013

Cry Tulisa and let slip the LOLS galore because this is a an important moment in tabloid history. The Mirror’s 3AM column has made a funny. A joke. An amusing ditty. Emma Ledger writes that Tulisa’s new hair style, ‘looks a little reminiscent of spaniel’s ears’ Hahahahahaha! I doubt you if you’re much bothered by last [...]

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Tulisa Is Looking Pretty Today !

by Mike D.W April 3, 2013

Ten minutes ago I was having sex with a Swedish super-model and she asked me to tie a scarf around her neck. I did but then I couldn’t get the knot undone again. She started to turn blue so I ran downstairs to get some scissors. Then I sat down to quickly check my email [...]

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Tulisa Is Looking Very Grown Up.

by Mike D.W March 31, 2013

Welcome to another happy-assed Easter Sunday but if you don’t do Easter then welcome to sixth Day of the Passover! Today is the day we celebrate Jesus’ reincarnation into an Easter bunny, a rabbit that hides chocolate eggs in the gardens of the nation’s toddlers. This was a very VERY good thing that Jesus did when [...]

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The Camera Never Lies: Tulisa Insists She’s A Size 8.

by Mike D.W March 21, 2013

Well, after all the dramas this morning, (I found an otter under my daughter’s bed) I thought I’d post something more meaningful, not celebrity foolery, something more relevant and interesting. Maybe something about saving the planet from environmental disaster. You might think this is sad, I think it’s a clarity of vision. However, I’ve just seen [...]

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Tuilsa: Simon Cowell Hasn’t P45′ed My Ass.

by Mike D.W March 17, 2013

Forget everything I ever said about Tulisa Contostavlos. Forget that I ever posted about Tulisa being sacked from the X Factor. Last month the Daily Mail lied to us all. They said that Tulisa was fired, sacked, surplus to requirements, Job-Seekered and unemployed! Yes they did. Oh how can we ever trust them again? Tulisa, who is the [...]

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Tulisa: You’re Fired!

by Mike D.W February 22, 2013

Simon Cowell’s hand has been busy slapping Tulisa Contostavlos up down and OFF the X Factor today. The Daily Mail says that ITV has called the studio where the show is filmed and told staff to sanitise the seat where the N-Dubz singer once sat because she is never coming back into the building again. A source told [...]

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Brawls: It’s Come To This.

by Mike D.W February 4, 2013

It’s been way too long since we’ve featured twits and twats whoopin’ each other’s asses in the middle of a take-away restaurant. This time one of the dickbags is a celebrity who didn’t get just get messy…. he got all the rainbows punched off his faggot-face. The Sun have all the details but here’s a [...]

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Tulisa Unleashes Gangsta Barbie !

by Mike D.W December 23, 2012

Obviously I popped an imaginary bag of popcorn into my mouth while I read this article in today’s Sunday Mirror. It tells the tale of a bizarre wet seal, Tulisa Contostavlos, who pulled a little gem out of her no-no on Saturday night that will make all of our black hearts smirk with glee. Yes, Tulisa got [...]

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MC Ultra Banned From Celebrity Big Brother.

by Mike D.W December 19, 2012

As it’s my job to sit here, drink tea and say a bunch of ridiculous things about people who will probably end up dead on their bathroom floors one day I thought I’d tell you that being stuck in here is sucking me through the portal of doom that lies between the X Ray dept and the Alcoholics Anonymous desk. And [...]

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In Case You Missed It, Here’s Tulisa Talking To Dan Wooton.

by Mike D.W December 8, 2012

Sometimes watching someone chop their hair off just to make us laugh can be as entertaining as watching a bird trying to complete a Rubik cube, because that’s what Tulisa’s interview in today’s Daily Mail looks like. Actually, in this interview with Dan Wooton, those of you hoping to find a giggle or two will have to go down to your [...]

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Female Boss Flops!

by Mike D.W December 5, 2012

Her album’s flopped and her video’s suck. Tulisa should continue launching her nasty ass fragrances, design whatever rags she designs and stay indoors. Soon she’ll be on the cover of OK! in a perfect shade of tangerine under the headline TULISA! GONE MISSING. I’m grateful to the irrepressible Gordon Smart over at the Sun for bringing us [...]

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X Factor: War Of The iChavs.

by Mike D.W November 30, 2012

Will Simon Cowell ever stop patting his hairy chest while giggling over how much attention he’s getting. This morning all the tabloids are saying that Simon is so desperate to save his X Factor mess he’s now trying to toss millions of pound coins into Cheryl Cole’s paypal account in the hope that she’ll eventually agree to [...]

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Yo Ho Tulisa.

by Mike D.W November 21, 2012

Why do the intellectually challenged always resort to crying when presented with a dissenting opinion? One example is thunder thighs Tulisa, seen here looking like she’s been confused by a firework. I know if she ever read these pages she’d start bellowing “YOUSE IS JUST JELLIS OF MA JELLY at the top of her voice. [...]

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