X Factor

Thumbnail image for POLL Of The Week: Did Cheryl Mime On X Factor?

POLL Of The Week: Did Cheryl Mime On X Factor?

November 3, 2014 Celebrity

It took several blow dryers, a blow torch and a crow bar to kickstart Cheryl Fernandez-wotshername’s eyelash flutter on Sunday night, but it was worth it because one twinkling ‘flut’ means everything on the X-Factor. The national treasure and the most tattooed butterfly that Newcastle has ever produced, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini, became the Queen of the X-Factor this weekend when she brought her […]

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Thumbnail image for Cheryl and Kermit: Separated At Birth.

Cheryl and Kermit: Separated At Birth.

October 20, 2014 Celebrity

Since it’s another slow-ass news day this is probably the most interesting thing I’ve seen all morning. And yes, I’ve only been up for an hour, but still! On Saturday night’s X Factor, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini attempted to wow the nation by wearing a bright green Lanvin gown complete with gigantic ruffles on one shoulder. The Peoples of […]

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Thumbnail image for Say Something Nice: Mel B At The X Factor Auditions.

Say Something Nice: Mel B At The X Factor Auditions.

June 17, 2014 Celebrity

Why does Mel B always have to look like she’s been sleeping under a car? And not even a Lexus either. Bitch has looks like she’s been kipping under a ’91 Skoda. I’m serious, why doesn’t one of Simon Cowell’s paid-to-pamper cherubs just drop a coin into a toilet bowl so that Mel can dive in after it and […]

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Thumbnail image for X FACTOR: Mel B Or Not Mel B? Nooooooo Is The Answer.

X FACTOR: Mel B Or Not Mel B? Nooooooo Is The Answer.

April 29, 2014 Celebrity

Direct all your prayers to the people of Britain today, because a plastic clown-faced hillbilly has just secured Satan’s approval to terrorise our Saturday nights for an entire season of X Factor. Oh yes, you’ll be watching all right as yet another £1m dances out of Simon Cowell’s sagging bank account but it won’t take you more than about […]

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Thumbnail image for WTF FACTOR: Why Gary Is Out Of A Job. (by Simon Cowell.)

WTF FACTOR: Why Gary Is Out Of A Job. (by Simon Cowell.)

April 9, 2014 Celebrity

When Gary Barlow picks up a copy of today’s Sun newspaper he’ll want to run for the nearest church and dip his piping hot genitals in a bowl of holy water, because he knows he can’t take any more of Simon Cowell’s heat. In a two part interview with Fleet’s Street’s finest Simon Cowell humps the floor with whatever is […]

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Thumbnail image for This One Is No Longer Unemployed….

This One Is No Longer Unemployed….

March 11, 2014 Celebrity

The national predicament that you gave zero damns about is over. Cheryl Cole. One day she was out, the next day she was in, then she was out again and now she’s officially in. At a press conference later today ITV will confirm that Cheryl Cole’s dreams have been uncrushed by Simon Cowell and that she’ll be taking her […]

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Thumbnail image for Katie Hopkins Turns Her Raging Vitriol On Sam Bailey And The X Factor.

Katie Hopkins Turns Her Raging Vitriol On Sam Bailey And The X Factor.

December 18, 2013 Celebrity

I don’t know what kind of ‘medicinal herb’ Katie Hopkins was smoking just before her final appearance on This Morning but it needs to find its way into a can of Febreze because it’s taken her on a messed up journey that’s ended in her writing a column for Best Daily. This week (in the printed edition) Katie has unleashed […]

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Thumbnail image for James Arthur’s ‘Achy Break Heart’ Suffers Emotional Breakdown.

James Arthur’s ‘Achy Break Heart’ Suffers Emotional Breakdown.

November 29, 2013 Celebrity

It seems that James Arthur gets his ass posted on here every Friday. I know, he thinks I’m hating on him. Well no, not really but I do confess that every time I hear this music I think of James. Anyway that’s not the reason why James has got his glorious ginger grin on NMi today. […]

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Thumbnail image for Simple Simon Says I’m Coming Home.

Simple Simon Says I’m Coming Home.

November 22, 2013 Celebrity

Over there in America the future is not looking glamorously glorious for Simon Cowell and his X Factor show. After some baseball series booted his ass off the air for three weeks the New York Post suggested that Simon was called into the studio where they shoot the show and told to sterilise the stench left behind […]

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Thumbnail image for Drunker Than A Drunkerexic Monkey.

Drunker Than A Drunkerexic Monkey.

November 4, 2013 Celebrity

Before we know it this season’s X Factor will have come and gone. Some people won’t have realised that the show was even on air. Nobody seems to care anymore. Until now. Last night, X Factor did that thing where one of the finalists, (Kingsland Road) sang their final song and then got clapped off […]

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Thumbnail image for X Factor: Rejected Lorna Says The Show IS Fixed. Really?

X Factor: Rejected Lorna Says The Show IS Fixed. Really?

October 15, 2013 Celebrity

It’s been a quick minute since the X-Factor live shows returned to our screens and already the ‘losers tea party’ are pulling out their old publicity stunts. The show’s first reject, Lorna Simpson has played her ‘screw that bitch’ card by telling the Sun+ exactly how her mentor Sharon Osbourne and Simon’s scheming producers tossed her ass into the returns box […]

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Thumbnail image for X FACTOR: Joseph Talks To The Sun About The Sob Story Son.

X FACTOR: Joseph Talks To The Sun About The Sob Story Son.

September 25, 2013 Celebrity

While wearing a gold sequin headband, black thigh-hugging jeans, muscled-up nipples and leopard print briefs, X Factor hopeful Joseph Whelan casually told The Sun that giving the gays a late summer serving of “ooh là là”  is one thing, but telling them he likes peen is quite another. Actually Joseph didn’t say any of that. I made it up. (Nobody has […]

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Thumbnail image for The Cowell Cometh.

The Cowell Cometh.

September 14, 2013 Celebrity

Today is the day I say goodbye to the dining room table which has been the home of NMi ever since it opened in 2009 and began calling everyone in show business a “cheap ass fag”. It’s sad but true, my beloved HiDs (other half) says the time has come for me to paint out the […]

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