Theresa May Coughs Her Way To A P45.

Theresa May, Tory Party, conference, coughing, news, media, images,As a general rule, a political leader should avoid delivering a speech that even an eight year old can mock. Yesterday, at the Conservative Party conference in Manchester, Theresa May did just that.

Yes, Theresa May has probably delivered the most disastrous conference speech in British political history.

During her hour long speech our esteemed Prime Minister suffered a prolonged coughing fit. Cue knight in shining armour Philip Hammond. Like a glorious example of gentlemanly conduct he leapt from his seat and handed Theresa a lozenge.

What a good fellow Hammond is turning out to be but unfortunately like most things Phillip does, it didn’t work out… Theresa’s coughing fit continued.

Today the media are treating Theresa’s coughing fit as a huge story, one to turn politics on it’s head!

Oh I know, Theresa had a coughing fit during her speech, so what? I had the hiccups for 3 days in a row last week. How’d the media miss that story?

Anyway moving on….

A few minutes later things turned from bad to worse when comedian Simon Brodkin managed to breach security. Like a slivering jellyfish he slide up to the podium and handed the now struggling party leader a fake P45 – saying, ‘Boris Johnson told me to.’

Instead of retorting, “Why thank you, Photoshop made simple, how quaint, now F-Off” Theresa accepted the fake document and continued her sputtering to the party faithful.

F-Off? What an appropriate phrase that’s turned out to be because guess what happened next? That’s right, an F in the party slogan on the wall behind Theresa suddenly fell to the floor.

Indeed this was a tumbling prophecy of impending doom – an F off the wall.

It’s no surprise that Twitter went into meltdown. With the hashtag  trending like a celebrity up-skirt the comedians did what they do best – hating themselves. No, sorry, making jokes.

 Theresa May’s speech is what happens when you give the computer generated voice that calls the floors in the Premier Inn lift more words to say.

‘Theresa May’s fight to survive was broadcast from conference live; She had a bad cough. The wall said F off and May got a P45’.

‘Even Theresa May can’t swallow the bullshit within her speech’. 

Who To Vote For…

The fact is that before the dramatic scenes unfolded in Manchester, Mrs May had been making a bold bid to turn the tables on Labour by unveiling a series of policies designed to show the Tories are on the side of hard-working families.

This was a golden opportunity for the Conservative party to chip away at Jeremy Corbyn’s lead while the voters are still trying to work out which political leader is the devil.

It failed.

Anyway since we’re talking of the devil. Socialism – let’s see, do we really support Jeremy Corbyn who wants to keep us flush with monopoly money?

Not really, I mean putting Jeremy in charge is akin to putting your teenage daughter in charge of the family credit card. One’s only response is to drive Uber nights to cover the cost.

On the other hand I’m reluctantly forced to admire Theresa’s dreams of a new and caring society. Yes, before you get your first crappy job or unwanted pregnancy or lousy marriage or mortgage or cancer, this is the time to dream of a perfect world.

However politics isn’t about childish dreams. No, it’s about manifestoes being dumped in the dustbin of reality.


Having taken a somewhat sardonic approach to the writing of this story I cannot leave it without mentioning the ongoing struggle for supremacy of the Tory Party.

There is a certain Machiavellian ruthlessness in the devious blonde bumbler, Boris Johnson. He seems to encourage the maxim that “the ends justify the means”, even if the means are rather unsavory. This rather anthropomorphic fellow with a penchant for oversized jackets is, in fact, a sly, crafty and quick opponent who, with his guile, charm and resourcefulness will catapult his mistress to back benches for eternity.

I’m sorry but you’re on your own here, Theresa.

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